Should I be single? How?

[Amyb97]

I had to tell him that I was having doubts about our future together because it ended up manifesting in physical anxiety for me (anxiety attacks which would build up all day and accumulate in a panic attack each evening, literally for weeks it was awful) and I obviously couldn't hide that from him. We thought it could just be from spending 24/7 together through lockdown so he went back to his parent's house and we had a 'break' although still spoke most days. Essentially, I felt relieved when he was gone and didn't miss him much even after a few weeks but still had anxiety about being in the relationship. I had to break up with him over facetime as his parent's house is over 2 hours away. I felt awful that I couldn't do it in person but the strain on my mental health was just too much to wait. I basically just explained that the anxiety I had was telling me it wasn't right, even though I couldn't pinpoint a specific reason why which was hard for him. I also told him that he deserved someone who was 100% sure of their feelings and that couldn't be me, and that it genuinely was me - not him, as cliche as that sounds. I think being honest is the only way to go or you risk hurting him more if he finds out you told someone else the real reason or whatever.

We spoke on/off for about a week after but I had to ask to go no contact in the end as texting each other was more of a habit that needed breaking - I knew I didn't want to get back together and didn't want to give him false hope. Despite being the one doing the dumping I was still a wreck for at least 2 months as he was my first love and I felt so so so guilty for breaking his heart as well as feeling incredibly lonely after having someone with me 24/7 for months. I just didn't realise how much of a stress it was thinking I would be with my first love forever lol I know that sounds stupid but I really felt pressure to stay together because he didn't do anything wrong!

It has been around 9 months now and I'm so glad I made the decision to end things, even though life atm isn't going great for me due to other factors at least I'm not stressing about a relationship

That’s really brave of you to end things. You’re right in that there is a certain pressure. People tend to ask “why” when a break up ends. Like they expect some kind of scandal. I’m pleased you feel better for ending the relationship and hope that the other areas of your life do get better for you x

 

[poollounger]

That’s really brave of you to end things. You’re right in that there is a certain pressure. People tend to ask “why” when a break up ends. Like they expect some kind of scandal. I’m pleased you feel better for ending the relationship and hope that the other areas of your life do get better for you x

This is so true. I found myself almost wishing he had been a prick and done something wrong/hurt me so I wouldn't feel like such a horrible person for breaking up with someone who was nothing but nice to me.

All I say is take your time figuring out how you're going to end things and set boundaries with contact afterwards & possible conflicts that might come up. I'm really glad that our breakup was civil with no big arguments and I think it's because I didn't lie or sugarcoat how it was ie. 'we are not getting back together in the future and I would prefer if we didn't talk for at least a few months'. Saying that, don't leave it too long! I promise you'll be happier in the long run x

 

[NMK]

Oh hunny this was me, I was 24, unhappy about to leave we both knew it was never right! I fell pregnant we both absolutely adore our daughter but unfortunately when she was a few weeks old we split up! Was horrible horrendous and honestly SO SO much harder when children are involved! Having her away from me while she is with her daddy is horrendous I miss her so much. I have since met someone new at work 2 years later + we now live together and I’m extremely happy in the relationship I had that fear of never meeting someone new don’t stay + be unhappy 🤍

 

[Amyb97]

Could it just be because of how mundane life has been over the past twelve months? What about planning date nights and little trips? Spending time with others so that your time together is more fun and appreciated.

I would always make sure I was 1000% certain because sometimes you can’t go back once the decision has been made.

I’ve tried date nights unfortunately. It would be easy to stay. Because it is fine.

 

[mindlessness]

You've had some great advice already. I wanted to add, if people ask questions afterwards, feel comfortable telling them to mind their own business! You're right that by nature we all love a bit of a scandal, but that doesn't justify someone being nosy or wanting all the gossip disrespecting your boundaries.

I hope that moving forward both you and your partner can find happiness and enjoy the rest of your 20s, whether that is together to apart.

 

[rememberwayne]

Girrrrl.. take it from someone who have been there... If you're asking all these questions... you are already out of the relationship.

Don't waste your precious time.

Very much my thinking too

 

[Amyb97]

I think it's so easy to stay with somebody just because of the routine and it's what you're used to. Change can be scary, especially if you share friendship groups etc. But ultimately, what's important is your happiness. There's no point keeping yourself in an unhappy situation just because of the unknown. In some ways, it would be easier if you'd had a massive row, or found someone else etc, because at least then you'd have a reason to leave but that's still not a reason to stay. Don't sit around waiting for something to happen to give you an excuse to go, you've got to put your happiness first.

The first thing I would do is have an open and frank discussion with him about how you feel. Ask him how he feels. It's better to be honest. Once you've spoken to him, you'll have a much clearer picture of how he feels and how he sees the relationship progressing. At the end of the day though, if you really don't feel happy and you're questioning it, then you know what you have to do. You say he's your best friend, so being honest and open with him will be the best way to help you maintain that friendship, even if the relationship has to come to an end. You don't have to lose him completely.

This is the hardest part that there is no real reason... it’s just the way I feel. Thank you for your advice

 

[DoctorWho]

If you’re asking these questions then I’m afraid that says it all 24 is so young, you have your whole life ahead of you! Don’t settle for average x

 

[Amyb97]

I know exactly what you mean and I've been there. You think there won't be anyone else.. no one will get you like he does.. but does he really?
Are you afraid of the unknown? because let me tell you.. there will be someone else, if u give him the time to understand you he will....

But dear... don't you even start looking for someone else before you find yourself... see that inspirational crap and quotes on instagram about how you won't find happiness with someone else until you're happy alone? well that shit is TRUE!

Take time for yourself to know you! travel (whenever that will be possible again), go to clubs, help in charities, go to singing clubs, help in an elderly house, join a book club, whatever YOU like, get a cat! get a dog, get a fish lol ... don't be defined by the man in your relationship that shit is dangerous! take it from me

Love this! Also I know it sounds like fluff but I do need to find myself. I’m one of those people pleasers that agrees with everyone else’s opinion . I kinda suck!

 

[squiggle91]

I’m sort of in the same place I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years this year we planned to start trying for a baby after a devastating miscarriage last year however lately I’m just doubting I even want to be with him at all I don’t feel attracted to him anymore physically and I can’t help but think he’s boring and too clingy he’s currently living with his dad due to him having poor health and every time he suggests meeting up I make up excuses so I don’t have to see him which is awful and when we do meet we don’t talk we have sex which doesn’t last long at all and then cuddle then I leave to go home.

he’s the perfect guy on paper but I just don’t feel it anymore which is terrible I have wondered if it’s me I’ve been on the frontline working with covid all year and to be honest I’m exhausted all I want to do is sleep also my mood has been so low lately i suffer with depression and my mood can change quick.I just don’t know what to do a part of me feels I should break it off another part of me wonders whether there’s something wrong with me or a rough patch we’re going through.I also can’t help but compare myself to friends and sisters my older sister has two little boys and a lovely house my younger sister is currently looking for a house with her boyfriend to buy and I still live at home with my mom out of guilt of not leaving her completely alone.

I’m also 30 in October and worry I’ll never have a baby if I leave him or meet someone else which is a awful excuse I sometimes think if I feel like this now how will I cope feeling like it with a newborn baby

sorry for the rambling to be honest it feels nice just to get it all out

 

[Amyb97]

I was in the exact same position last summer. Was with my ex for 4 years since I was 17, we were living together but I was so bored of the relationship and couldn't see myself with him forever. There was nothing explicitly wrong with him or us, he treated me well, it was cosy and we were generally happy but I just had this feeling I knew it wasn't for me anymore. It was such a hard decision because I kept thinking this is the kind of relationship I'd want in my 30s and he'd be a great partner to have kids with etc. - but you can't base a relationship off of things that might happen in the future, or because you think you won't find something better.

It sounds like you know what you need to do and I wouldn't waste any more time. I felt really guilty when I broke up with my ex as he was a great guy but it helped to remember that he deserves to be happy and with someone who loves him completely without doubts, and you can't offer him that. Good luck!

Do you mind me asking how the break up went? I don’t want to hurt him. I know ultimately I will, but the best at way to do it x

 

[Bubble And Squeak]

You never know he could be feeling the same but doesn’t want to admit it to himself or doesn’t realise it yet. I’m 23 and my boyfriend of 4 and a half years broke up with my last year - yes I was upset, but at the same time it was kind of a relief. I don’t think I would have ever broke up with him cause I would have been to scared - but good on you!!! However, I probably didn’t want to be with him either but just didn’t want to admit that to myself, now I’m much much happier and glad that he done it

 

[Amyb97]

I second this. As soon as you get these thoughts it's usually the end. Sounds like you have outgrown the relationship.

It will be hard to end it but I think you will feel relieved once it's done and you can move on.

Good luck.

It’s very hard as I feel like he knows me the best out of everyone. But also he doesn’t know me that well because I feel the way I do

 

[Amyb97]

Yes! If you’re not happy and don’t think there is a way of it changing/ you don’t love him then get out. You’re only early 20s and got loads of life in front of you.

I was 22 when my 3 year relationship ended but he dumped me I was gutted but only because I didn’t know anything else. We had the same friends so obvious that was awkward. I met someone else about a year and half later, we clicked and it was true love. We get married in 3 months yeh it’s not always easy no matter what relationship you’re in but if we ever argue or have had a rough patch we want to work it out cos we are in it for the long haul.

Life is so short and you deserve to be happy!

Thank you! I used to think I was in it for the long haul now I’m not sure

 

[Amyb97]

I think if you are having these doubts it’s probably time to end things

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 11 years and have never had these thoughts about him , so it’s definitely not usual .. it sounds like you’ve outgrown the relationship and 24 is a great age to realise that

good luck with it all xx

Thank you xx

 

[Flossy2019]

This is the hardest part that there is no real reason... it’s just the way I feel. Thank you for your advice

Sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason. When I was 21 I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. He wanted marriage kids Etc and I just didn’t want him. I woke up one morning and just didn’t want it. Just means he’s not the right one for you or that the relationship isn’t giving you what you want anymore