Scousebird Blogs #7 Rimming Rowe and Tory behaviour, has Bonmarchè as her new neighbour

[Bonmarche]

NEW DAB ALERT** - We are absolutely fuming, we have been told from our landlord Karen, that some absolute Tory Karen called Steph The Meff is moving in next door. But allegedly her successful shop in a precinct turns over a million pound, so finally we are getting a millionaire next door! One love Steph, one love Tory girl! xx

 

[Doll-Parts]

#8 Chrrriiistmas time, scranning arse and wine

 

[Sosig]

“I went for a massage because we’ve been working flat out in the shop for a month”

Try working 40 hour weeks from home since April on an ikea swivel chair you self entitled fat backed little cretin.

 

[Trollinell]

She’s vile she’s slept in that top too!! She’s a proper stinker!!

She looks like she absolutely reeks! Bangs on about how she only dates lads 6 foot and over, who wear grey trackies and drive with one hand. When in reality one ex is a headband wearing bum and her current fling is about 5 foot 2 and gets the bus. Proper embarrassment!

 

[Tomi2015]

Aye what happened to the range rover? Does she still live in that huge house in Crosby?

Yes the one that looks like a load of mentally ill chimpanzees decorated it

 

[Yerma]

Meet Fat Rowe

“Mum will you take a picture of my weight loss for instagram”

His nan in the living room “you’re still a fat twat lad, and get an haircut, ya grandad would be turning in his grave he fought a war for you to look like that”.

 

[FoxyNasa]

OMG I’ve just migrated over here from the kate Hayes / honey monster / truffle hog / north west’s most hated blah influencer thread. I’ve read about 5 pages do I need to start from the beginning. I can’t bare this cunt how do I become a DAB

 

[Bonmarche]

Ding Dong - Hi-De-Hi

Good Evening from Bonmarche, oh my word what a busy day we have had. We sold 3 blouses for £2.99 each, a pair of crocs for £1.99 and two autumnal ladies scarfs for £6.99

However from Bonmarche in Liverpool we have news!! Our earnings we so low today because we had a visit from the council and police. This afternoon we were doing a stock take (over £1 million turnover firm!) FACT, and Karen and Donna the two assistants heard a banging noise coming from the other side of the wall, with what can only be described as a loud woollen accent screaming and I am still shocked now at what she was saying:

"Oh Dave give it to me, now Wayne you get on top, oh Peter you from behind, oh Rowey you sit on my face, oh chef at that place I did my turps and sushi night you suck on my toes."

I immediately dashed from our shop into the new tenants building and into the cellar, disgusted in finding scousebirddog, basically been rammed by many men and at the same time she was eating what she supposedly said was a pasta!

Suddenly Rowey stopped and said "Stephanie McDog, are you not meant to pick your daughter up from school", I was flabbergasted, but all was ok as she responded "What are you on about, what daughter, now carry on and get your big fat belly in my face."

Myself, Karen and Donna both returned to Bonmarche the number one clothing shop that is NOT on Church Street and contacted the council and the constabulary. The basement of our tenants shop is also fitted with red lights.

I am sorry I need to go, I am at a loss that a wooleyback Tory is moving in next door and has many many men on her payroll.

God bless you all, we love America.

Bonmarche x

 

[Blair-Waldorf]

Oh my fucken god I bet it’s a scratch and sniff edition

Jan - the dock road
Feb - rowe’s arsehole
March - handbag vodka
April - piss alley
May - Spanish floor cleaner
June - cheeseburger pasta
July - eau de purple wheelie bin
August - sea water off Crosby beach
Sep - turps flavour gin
October - PSL
November - disco fanny
December - the aroma of sweet corn and sausages that have been cooked in a dishwasher

 

[LittleLizzy1985]

Very early thread suggestion but the new head and shoulders ad inspired me...

"Stephanie Johnson has the most fantastically shiny bald patch but my god she is an annoying personality vacuum"

Could also change the last bit to arse scranner

 

[oczymlody]

RECAP TIME
-Steph’s moving her shop to central town, as per DAB title, it’s actually on one of those street by Slaters and the casino, perfect territory for an al fresco rimming sesh
-#wherescora ? The search continues
-Steph used to vote Tory and openly defended Jimmy Carr for his tax avoidance but ‘fuck the tories’ hun
-Steph flouted Tier 3 rules to go to spitroast for a rimming sesh with the ‘well known’ comedian Adam Rowe (the one who publically humiliated a girl in McDonalds) she bragged in her stories but then got all defensive once questioned. She also accepted free food in a pandemic for ‘promo’
-Steph opened a food bank drop off after people here mentioned that she’d opened one after the election and it went to nothing. Now she’s got a queue out of her shop HAHAHAH!!
-Steph has turned over a million in her shop of tatt (apparently)
-Steph continues to be a crusty cow and has been seen in the same Halloween jumper since mid September

 

[Lexlexloulou]

Yes the one that looks like a load of mentally ill chimpanzees decorated it

I love u

Still at it! View attachment 296616

If he gets covid and ends up in the hospital where i work ill do us all a favour and smother him with a pillow #nurserachet

 

[whatsthetea123]

Hi Steph, I know you read this page. Many people are having to sacrifice seeing their families for the greater good. I know you don’t really have much of a relationship with your own family, including your daughter, but please try to have some empathy for those people who are doing the right thing. When you are twisting the guidelines to find loopholes (like going out to eat with Adam Rowe as a “business meal” and saying you’ll keep your shop open if we lock down non essential shops because you sell alcohol which means you technically can even though it’s against the spirit of the guidelines as 99% of your stock is not essential) it’s sort of like you’re telling the world you don’t care about the 40,000+ dead and that you care more about yourself than the community you live in. I know you think you’re untouchable because you think you’ve had it before (those foreign antibody tests you bought have been proved to be very unreliable FYI) but you probably saw the research suggesting immunity is short lived and people are catching the virus for a second time. You can also spread it unknowingly even if you are immune. Please consider the implication of your actions, as you have a large following and if everyone who follows you was to act as you are, it would mean that the lockdown measures will be more strict and last a lot longer. You are lucky in that if you did close your store, you have a substantial online following and an already established online shop which you could encourage people to visit to sustain yourself through a potential full lockdown.

 

[Ifearikea]

Sweetcorn on a roast ... not to mention anaemic sausages that look like they’ve cooked in a fucking kettle.

 

[Jimmy Corkhill]

‘Ta very much to our very own @Jimmy Corkhill ’ welcome to the DABs hun

Oh I can’t believe it. Wait till I tell my Jackie, she’ll be made up. Double denim tomorrow to celebrate
big DAB love

 

[Bonmarche]

Good Morning and Bonjour from Bonmarche, Liverpool.

I hope we all had a wonderful weekend and we are very busy putting plans in place to unfortunately close this Wednesday. Because we sell alcohol gel we thought that we could remain open, however we are not a delusional tat business that can remain open and do not hold an alcohol licence.

We wanted to post this morning in relation to some confusion in relation to our new tenant ScouseBirdDog. We have had reports from some of our loyal customers that she is posting on social media that she is going to be setting a new shop up on Church Street, the main through fare in the city centre where the money is spent.

This is highly misleading, our tenant must be told that the shop is on Williamson Street, however it is a hugely upmarket, trendy side street. Neighbours include Adapt Outdoors, an exclusive outdoor clothing store, however more importantly opposite ourselves and the soon to be scousebirddogs is Slots Jackpots Casino. This venue puts the Bellagio in Vegas to shame. Clients include drunks, sex workers and drug addicts, a wonderful clientele who often spill onto the street and have sex in front of the public, not a care in the world. We believe Ms Johnson will be very appreciative of this as we are lead to believe she likes a drink, and although she is not a sex worker we believe she has had more cock than cocks found on a farm. We welcome her to Williamson Street.

Another customer brought to our attention this weekend in relation to Ms Johnson posting a picture of her daughter on social media. Ms Johnson reiterated to us that she did not have any children as she only likes men in her bed. However we are reassured because after watching some of the videos we notice that this girl never uses the word 'mummy or mum', therefore we believe this was an aspiring young actress in her videos.

Have a jolly day.

 

[Tomi2015]

Thread suggestion
Crappy gin that tastes like water
Hello Steff where’s you daughter?

 

[MrsPurchase]

So, right, I had some stock delivered HAHAHHAHAAAA and got an email HAHHHAHAAAHHAHAHAAAA, right, and then some stock was supposed to go to the shop HAAAAHHAAAAA <literally cries with laughter> or my house HAAAHAAHAAAA HAAAAAHAHHHAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA

 

[Moira Roses Bebe]

Imagine a retail unit getting a big delivery in November... The month before Christmas. Absolutely mental, unheard of, never before in the history of retail has this happened.


I can see why it's just SO FUCKING HILARIOUS.

 

[Bonmarche]

Good Evening, the proud people of Liverpool, the wonderful friendly scousers. This is Mike Hunt, CEO of Bonemarche named after my 4th cousin Stephanie Johnson.

We apologies for been very quiet. There major things have been happening at our wonderful, boutique store.

Firstly we had to close for covid and this has given us an opportunity to get tradespeople in to look at the damp smell coming from our basement. The conclusion is good news, it was actually coming from the unit next door, where are neighbour called Scousebirddog who is not from Liverpool will be moving in soon. Anyhow after further investigation, 6 workmen at one time inspected her basement and confirmed it was mouldy, dirty, smelly and damp, as for the basement in her shop that is fine!

Secondly we have been sourcing some wonderful Spanish cleaning products for our store. We are looking at two main lines, Mayordomo and Suavizante. We have found a wonderful supplier in the UK latiendadedavid.com, ridiculously low prices. We have been made aware ScouseBirdDogs will be stocking this product in her store, but I am Mike Hunt wearing my Martin Lewis hat and can advice EVERYONE that she is OVERPRICING. This stock is more than HALF price, direct from the supplier! Please get word around, people of LIVERPOOL you are been ripped off by a woolyback reselling products via a middleman!

Finally and finally, we have had a young girl hanging outside our premises with a sign around her body, aka those people who say a new shop has opened up in town. Basically her sign says 'I think I have a mummy but am not sure, my name is Cora'. We were shocked by this and tracked down Scousebirddog as we were told that she is the blood mother of this child, when my assistant Dorothy asked Miss Divorced Johnson her response was 'what child?'.

Anyhow, everyone have a pleasant evening, time for poached fish and vegetables.

We have missed you.

Mike Hunt, CEO Bonmarche Liverpool. The best shop off Church Street.