Regulating kids emotions

37BBL · Jul 18, 2023

Would really appreciate no judgement on this.
My 11yo son plays football, he has done for years and loves it. He plays 4 times a week and up until recent months we have never had an issue.
Recently he has been quite emotional and hard on himself and I'm after any advice, recommended resources or just words of wisdom.
If he makes a mistake, which they all do, in a game, he focuses on it and can't shake it off. He has become really emotional and his head drops and we have had tears on occasion. He then cannot shake his mood for the rest of the day and is super self critical. We have given him a break from it for a few weeks and gone back to it, but it hasn't got any better.
I have suggested perhaps he doesn't continue but he absolutely loves playing and is adamant he doesn't want to give up. Plus he is an excellent player and has a real talent.He isn't like this in any other aspect and I work in children's services so I know there is no undiagnosed need there.

I am wondering if this hormones coming into play and he doesn't know how to handle his emotions, and I really want to help him. I will add, myself and my husband put no pressure on him and he has always known that win or lose we are proud of him. He has two lovely coaches who support him and are great if he gets upset.

Can anyone recommend how to help them through this phase? Any books? Activities? Conversations?

I'll give anything a go!

Snippysnips · Jul 18, 2023

Could he be going through a bit of perfectionism? It can usually cause stress an anxiety an be why his emotions are coming out, it sounds like he's got great support which rules out that it's pressure from others

Is there anyway you could ask him if he's hard on himself because hes expecting himself to be perfect? Maybe let him know that's not how life is that life's full of mistakes an even professionals will make the same mistakes, hormones could also be playing a factor since I assume puberty will be coming soon but it sounds like he's stressing himself out because he doesn't want to make a mistake

Is there a way you can record his matches? When I was in the dance world I used to have my competitions recorded, if I felt it had went badly then I'd watch the footage with my coach an we would talk through what went wrong, why it went wrong an what we could do next time to not make the same mistake or limit it happening again, we would also talk about what kind of mood I was in, how my emotions/stress/anxiety was an see if those also played into it all, it was great for helping me understand my mistakes an how to work on them

FlipFlop0706 · Jul 18, 2023

Oh bless him. I’d have a word with his coach if he has one and ask him if he can boost his confidence and take him aside to hype up what he is doing well.

Do you think he is comparing himself to the other boys on the team? If so, I’d remind him that teams are made up of everyone working together and no one is better than anyone else. As long as you are doing your best then that’s all anyone can ask for. You win together, you lose together. I know it’s not football but Lewis Hamilton is a good role model for this.

Research some of his favourite footballers or teams and work on resilience. I bet his favourite team have lost a few matches- it’s not because of one player. It might help lessen the pressure for him to be a perfectionist and help the self criticism.

rainbowlemon · Jul 18, 2023

Have a look at DBT. The one below is for adults but they also have something for teens. It can be adapted and just teaches you how to actually cope.

37BBL · Jul 18, 2023

Thank you all.
His team do record his games and we do watch them back, he isn't as critical then, its almost like at that point he's over it and he'll sometimes acknowledge it wasn't worth getting upset over.
I will give that workbook a go, thank you.
Hes honestly such a lovely boy, super kind and sweet, he's just very sensitive lately

and seems to over think things. Hoping I can nip it in the bud x

rainbowlemon · Jul 19, 2023

37BBL said:
Thank you all.
His team do record his games and we do watch them back, he isn't as critical then, its almost like at that point he's over it and he'll sometimes acknowledge it wasn't worth getting upset over.
I will give that workbook a go, thank you.
Hes honestly such a lovely boy, super kind and sweet, he's just very sensitive lately and seems to over think things. Hoping I can nip it in the bud x

Maybe you could also take him out to Starbucks or go for long walks just the two of you to encourage him to open up more. Being a teenager is hard.

Would he be willing to talk to a school counsellor?