Really struggling with partner in lockdown 😔

rosieflowers · Jun 3, 2020

Hi,

We are late 20s and our first baby is due in 4 weeks, great timing with this pandemic

we bought our house in Oct and its needed quite a lot of work which we've had to rush cos of the baby coming.

I have been WFH the whole time and he has been furloughed. It's really brought up the differences between us mostly that I like to do things like home improvements (all you can do at the moment), go out for walks and he likes to lie around and play xbox lol. I naturally get up around 8am for example whereas he has been staying up every night til 2am on xbox and getting up at 10.30.

Now I know that lockdown isn't normal times so I've been biting my tongue as much as possible. However as my due date gets closer I am so worried and anxious about what it will be like when the baby is here. Will I be stuck downstairs on my own under a breastfeeding baby while he dashes off upstairs to fit in a game of COD. When he's on the games I have to ask for every little favour, he can't hear me becaise his headphones are in so I have to go all the way upstairs which just won't be possible, I'm worried I will basically be doing it all on my own and end up hating him and hating being a mum

I am also so so gutted about what I'm missing out on cos of lockdown and just want things to get back to normal e.g. cuddles with family, days out, going to the shops, pubs and restaurants. I'm mad that ill have wasted a month of maternity leave stuck in the house doing duck all I. E. the same as I've done the last 10 weeks

To make matters worse since lockdown has been eased BF has gone crazy with it, meeting big groups of friends at the park to drink with a couple of times, playing golf and football as much as possible as an excuse to socialise and drink, he had his family over here and they all hugged etc.

When we spoke about this last night and I requested that for the first two weeks of the baby's life there is no xbox, he went off the deep end, saying he can do what he wants etc and also that lockdown is over so he doesn't know what I'm crying about, I'm being ridiculous, he is going to carry on seeing friends and family now etc. I don't even dare suggest he cut down on meeting different people as I know it would go down like a lead balloon.

I am not usually an anxious person but with vulnerable grandparents who I can't hug and a new baby who will be missing out on all the cuddles, me missing out on family support, and the risk of giving a tiny baby coronavirus, I just don't know why he can't understand my views and why he finds it so difficult to reassure me and take some steps to show me that when the baby is here he will be there for us. Instead he gets angry at me for being upset and says its all over now you're being ridiculous.

I am so tearful the past couple of days, I feel like he is showing his true colours but am also so so resentful of this whole coronavirus crisis for ruining everything

. With time running out til the baby comes it all feels like a crisis point.

I wanted to know if anyone can help me see things from his point of view or had any advice as to how I can get my point across?

Thanks for reading such a long post, I hope you are all well and coping with lockdown too.

TriviaNewtonJohn · Jun 3, 2020

He sounds like a complete tool. Putting you and your baby at risk.

I don't understand the gaming thing. Why is a grown man staying up all hours playing games?! He should be doing everything he can to sort out the house and make sure you're comfortable before the arrival of the baby.

rosieflowers · Jun 3, 2020

TriviaNewtonJohn said:
He sounds like a complete tool. Putting you and your baby at risk.

I don't understand the gaming thing. Why is a grown man staying up all hours playing games?! He should be doing everything he can to sort out the house and make sure you're comfortable before the arrival of the baby.

Hey thanks for your reply, I mean I agree but I have to see the point of view that in lockdown especially at the start there wasn't much else to do (apart from the stuff round the house...) and I wouldn't want to police all his time.

It's just its become such an entrenched thing now - straight after dinner at say 7pm til 2am - and affects the next day too, and it's so incompatible with having a baby, and also with when I start my maternity leave on Friday, that it is now a problem, like I say I have bit my tongue up til now.

I just want me and the baby to be put first during this special but also worrying time. He says I'm worrying about something in the future thats not going to happen but when it's all I've seen for the last ten weeks and he's not exactly been amazing round the house (I've had to sort out ordering all the baby stuff as well for example), I feel like it's natural to need some reassurance that things will change.

Especially in these strange times were living in

TriviaNewtonJohn · Jun 3, 2020

Sorry I know my reply wasn't very useful but I didn't want you to doubt how you're feeling. Does he claim that once the baby is here he'll pull his socks up then?

Whatever123 · Jun 3, 2020

Firstly, I’m sorry to hear you feel this way when it should be such an exciting time for you.

Honestly, I feel like Xbox/ PlayStation are such an issue in so many relationships! Don’t feel like you are alone with this.
what was he like pre-lockdown?? Did he play every day?

I think asking for 2 weeksno games maybe rattled him because no one likes being told what to do.(but i think you are completely right to ask!)

perhaps Next time you speak, you need to be really clear with how you feel, but also make a point that you are aware it’ll be a big change for him too and you want to make sure you’re supporting each other when baby arrives. - basically, make him feel it’s about him too.

regarding seeing friends, I get it m, he has been cooped up so yes, fine to see friends but not all the time, his priority should he you and baby.

God I hate gaming!! I have been tempted to smash my boyfriends PlayStation so many times!

I feel my situation has been similar to yours - minus pregnancy.

essentially, I feel with men you need to make it about them to make them listen. I know it’s pathetic but I just don’t think men think like women!

Orange Creme · Jun 3, 2020

Hi, sorry to hear you're feeling tearful but it's good you've shared your worries even if it's just with us tattlers

In answer to your question I think the only way to find out his point of view is to sit and have a chat about how he is feeling about the baby coming. E.g. "are you worried about anything once the baby comes"? "How do you think we'll cope with sleepless nights"? I think sometimes it's how we say things and not what we say which can get someone's back up.

Did you have any discussions when you decided to try for a baby?

One of my favourite things to do is have a cuppa with my husband and have a chat, could you do anything like that?

I got up at 6 this morning, my husband and 2 of my kids are still in bed, it doesn't bother me when he gets up.

Jelly Bean · Jun 3, 2020

Oh dear - he isn't being at all fair. He does sound immature. The evenings must be very lonely for you.
He maybe is looking on this time as sort of calm before the storm - and then he'll get his act together? But he really isn't being at all kind or reassuring with you. Especially as everything seems to be on his terms at the moment.
I don't know what you can do as it sounds like you've been more than reasonable. Is he OK about being furloughed or anxious about losing his job with a new house and baby on the way? My OH is appalling at being honest when he is worried and like yours gets quite cross when I am anxious as it makes him feel guilty (even if it has nothing to do with him).
I can only suggest you become selfish and start really concentrating on you and your lovely baby. Really look after yourself and try to do what you want. Hard I know in these times - because it isn't all over yet at all really. Not sure where he got that idea.

Raininvain · Jun 3, 2020

I think you know what to do OP. Explain to him what you expect going forward seriously and if he doesn't do it then leave him.Thats it. I'm sorry but he sounds a wick, his priority should be you and the baby when it arrives not an x box.

my_escape_from_the_ads · Jun 3, 2020

Oh you poor thing. I’m so sorry. I feel angry for you that he is dismissing your fears. You are right this should be an exciting time.
Personally I do think why shouldn’t people be able to have a little Xbox etc, men are basically big kids

but obviously there should be a balance. Just make sure you get some me time later and leave him to it

Anyway I am concerned about this lack of respect towards you. My ex used to diss my concerns about certain things, and then one day, sadly for him I fell in love with someone who just made me feel respected and was loving and kind etc. Now my one thing I’ve learnt from this in my life is that I should have dealt with my worries and concerns with my ex properly rather than just putting up and shutting up. I would recommend after lockdown and baby that you go to relationship counselling. There you can speak freely without him talking at you and telling you what they think and why YOU are wrong and he may see things from another perspective. I left it too long and I feel a failure for that but I am happy now, but loss of a relationship and not growing it is a sad thing. Especially where kids are involved.

In the meantime, try not to worry and relax. Prepare for the baby in your safe home. You can do this baby thing you will be great

even if he’s not that helpful ... be firm about what you need him to do when you need him to help you and just see how it goes. He will be going through a big change too won’t he? Maybe that’s why he’s getting all the Xbox time in now??? Men are such silly souls sometimes and can’t verbalise stuff properly. Hope that makes sense. I would recommend counselling I really would as it helps iron out all those thoughts.

wishing you love and calm
Xx

Fishnips · Jun 3, 2020

I think my partner and your partner are the same person.

I had my babe before lockdown and my partner hasn't been furloughed but had a lot of time at home (paternity, then Xmas, then he had to self isolate, then had a week off, then injured his back and was off for two weeks with just a few weeks of sork between it all) and tbh is exactly the same. I had an emergency section and once I was home (less than 48 hours post section) I had to go back to normal doing all the cooking and cleaning etc because it just wouldn't have been done properly otherwise. When he's had time off this year he's stayed up until 2am playing games and moans he's tired in the mornings, by the time he gets up baby has usually had breakfast and a bath, and is nursing ready for am nap. If I leave her with him to take a shower or anything, he just sits her on his lap whilst he plays his game much of the time. It is annoying, but I can tolerate it because it means he's not always interfering. He clearly loves her, he's just not a pro-active person at all where as I am and I like to keep busy.

The going out in lockdown would be an absolute no-go for me, though. I'd literally lock him out. You're at a heightened risk during pregnancy and it puts your newborn baby at risk.

Have you got support around you when baby comes, breastfeeding support etc? The first weeks can be really hard, but it's so worth it.

rosieflowers · Jun 3, 2020

Hey all,

Wow thank you so much for such helpful replies, I am really overwhelmed and so grateful so many people understand. I used to read Mumsnet and on there it's all 'why are you putting up with this tit, what in your life makes you accept so little, LTB immediately' which is just not realistic

I feel like lockdown/ especially furlough has changed our identities so much, in normal times he goes out to work, works hard and worries about his job, spends a few evenings a week playing sport or seeing friends, and I am exactly the same, so the time we can spend together is valuable and we make the most of it. He's never been that interested in DIY etc but is decent round the house, probably does 40% of stuff with some nagging

but lockdown has restricted life to just the crap things and the baby coming has exacerbated it all.

Whatever123 said:
Firstly, I’m sorry to hear you feel this way when it should be such an exciting time for you.

Honestly, I feel like Xbox/ PlayStation are such an issue in so many relationships! Don’t feel like you are alone with this.
what was he like pre-lockdown?? Did he play every day?

I think asking for 2 weeksno games maybe rattled him because no one likes being told what to do.(but i think you are completely right to ask!)

perhaps Next time you speak, you need to be really clear with how you feel, but also make a point that you are aware it’ll be a big change for him too and you want to make sure you’re supporting each other when baby arrives. - basically, make him feel it’s about him too.

regarding seeing friends, I get it m, he has been cooped up so yes, fine to see friends but not all the time, his priority should he you and baby.

God I hate gaming!! I have been tempted to smash my boyfriends PlayStation so many times!

I feel my situation has been similar to yours - minus pregnancy.

essentially, I feel with men you need to make it about them to make them listen. I know it’s pathetic but I just don’t think men think like women!

So many of my friends have this same problem, it's ridiculous! You are so right that it was probably the asking for two weeks that rattled him, it brought out the teenager responses 'you sound like my mum', 'I can do what I want' etc. And I totally get that people haven't seen family/ friends and are absolutely dying to, I am too, it's just the huge groups, hugging and not keeping distance etc that worry me.

I don't think any of the things he is doing are wrong full stop, I just wish there was a bit more moderation. I need to think about how to put things for the next time we talk like you say. Hope you're managing OK too.

Orange Creme said:
Hi, sorry to hear you're feeling tearful but it's good you've shared your worries even if it's just with us tattlers

In answer to your question I think the only way to find out his point of view is to sit and have a chat about how he is feeling about the baby coming. E.g. "are you worried about anything once the baby comes"? "How do you think we'll cope with sleepless nights"? I think sometimes it's how we say things and not what we say which can get someone's back up.

Did you have any discussions when you decided to try for a baby?

One of my favourite things to do is have a cuppa with my husband and have a chat, could you do anything like that?

I got up at 6 this morning, my husband and 2 of my kids are still in bed, it doesn't bother me when he gets up.

Hey, thanks for your reply, honestly it feels so good to have an outlet especially with people you know won't judge. The support from family and friends just isn't there/ isn't the same at the minute! Yes we need to sit down and have a chat. The problem is as the poster below says his communication style whenever I bring up any worries or am upset is to get really defensive and basically turn it on me so it's difficult to have conversations like that

my_escape_from_the_ads said:
Oh you poor thing. I’m so sorry. I feel angry for you that he is dismissing your fears. You are right this should be an exciting time.
Personally I do think why shouldn’t people be able to have a little Xbox etc, men are basically big kids but obviously there should be a balance. Just make sure you get some me time later and leave him to it
Anyway I am concerned about this lack of respect towards you. My ex used to diss my concerns about certain things, and then one day, sadly for him I fell in love with someone who just made me feel respected and was loving and kind etc. Now my one thing I’ve learnt from this in my life is that I should have dealt with my worries and concerns with my ex properly rather than just putting up and shutting up. I would recommend after lockdown and baby that you go to relationship counselling. There you can speak freely without him talking at you and telling you what they think and why YOU are wrong and he may see things from another perspective. I left it too long and I feel a failure for that but I am happy now, but loss of a relationship and not growing it is a sad thing. Especially where kids are involved.
In the meantime, try not to worry and relax. Prepare for the baby in your safe home. You can do this baby thing you will be great even if he’s not that helpful ... be firm about what you need him to do when you need him to help you and just see how it goes. He will be going through a big change too won’t he? Maybe that’s why he’s getting all the Xbox time in now??? Men are such silly souls sometimes and can’t verbalise stuff properly. Hope that makes sense. I would recommend counselling I really would as it helps iron out all those thoughts. wishing you love and calm
Xx

Hey thank you for the lovely message and advice. I totally agree that people should be able to play XBOX etc, it's just kind of taken over in lockdown and with the big change of the baby on the way it just can't carry on. Thanks for the last part of your message, as a first time mum I am so missing the support of family and friends. I am hoping to God it will soon be OK to meet indoors and hug etc. It's all the uncertainty and waiting that's also making me focus on the problems in my own home I suppose.

Fishnips said:
I think my partner and your partner are the same person.

I had my babe before lockdown and my partner hasn't been furloughed but had a lot of time at home (paternity, then Xmas, then he had to self isolate, then had a week off, then injured his back and was off for two weeks with just a few weeks of sork between it all) and tbh is exactly the same. I had an emergency section and once I was home (less than 48 hours post section) I had to go back to normal doing all the cooking and cleaning etc because it just wouldn't have been done properly otherwise. When he's had time off this year he's stayed up until 2am playing games and moans he's tired in the mornings, by the time he gets up baby has usually had breakfast and a bath, and is nursing ready for am nap. If I leave her with him to take a shower or anything, he just sits her on his lap whilst he plays his game much of the time. It is annoying, but I can tolerate it because it means he's not always interfering. He clearly loves her, he's just not a pro-active person at all where as I am and I like to keep busy.

The going out in lockdown would be an absolute no-go for me, though. I'd literally lock him out. You're at a heightened risk during pregnancy and it puts your newborn baby at risk.

Have you got support around you when baby comes, breastfeeding support etc? The first weeks can be really hard, but it's so worth it.

I'm so glad someone can identify! Also I'm so sorry that your partner is the same

it's really not ideal is it. The thing is with lockdown and the baby coming I feel kind of trapped, it's no good issuing ultimatums or anything as I have to be realistic (both to get through this and because we're not in normal times) which in a way means accepting his crap ways which feels tit. If that makes any sense!!

My family are all about 45mins away which isn't ideal, my aunty was going to be my main BF support as she's really experienced with it, but she is anxious about coronavirus so at the minute doesn't want to meet in person

I'm so glad you say it's all worth it though, I am just not looking forward to it at the minute

Raininvain · Jun 3, 2020

Your not trapped at all OP, you have options even with a newborn baby. Can you talk to your parents or other close family/friends and get some support from them? If it was me I would be lining up other options as well regarding going and where to if you need to. Hes not a child and you do not have to put up with his crap at any time. At the moment its still difficult for everyone hes no exception. I hope all goes well for your birth and going forward.

Fishnips · Jun 3, 2020

rosieflowers said:
I'm so glad someone can identify! Also I'm so sorry that your partner is the same it's really not ideal is it. The thing is with lockdown and the baby coming I feel kind of trapped, it's no good issuing ultimatums or anything as I have to be realistic (both to get through this and because we're not in normal times) which in a way means accepting his crap ways which feels tit. If that makes any sense!!

My family are all about 45mins away which isn't ideal, my aunty was going to be my main BF support as she's really experienced with it, but she is anxious about coronavirus so at the minute doesn't want to meet in person

I'm so glad you say it's all worth it though, I am just not looking forward to it at the minute

Just try explain to him that you're a bit worried about getting everything done. If he's like my fella this will evoke a better response than "I feel like I'm going to do everything on my own" because he'd definitely spit his dummy out about that

But I entirely get what you mean. I really just accept now that we have different attitudes to life (I.e. he's a bit lazy

) and it's my choice whether I tolerate that or leave. I love him, so here we are.

If you're on Facebook the Breastfeeding Yummy Mummies group is invaluable for BF support

And I think your aunt is right to be cautious - but honestly, even having somebody to text or call who really understands really helps. Other than 1 friend I don't have anybody around me who breastfed, and my partner doesn't know anybody who did either (he has 2 kids from prev. relationship and nieces and nephews), so when I was struggling I didn't really want to reach out as everybody just told me "it's ok to formula feed" which absolutely it is. But having somebody who could honestly say "you're doing fantastic - this day is going to pass - just keep going" really meant the world.

If you're having latching problems or anything, you can always use video call. And look into if the hospital (if you're having a hospital/alongside unit birth) has a lactation consultant team.

Midwives and HVs aren't particularly qualified to give BF advice so keep that in mind.

Please don't let any of this put a damper on things. Forget about the Xbox, the cleaning, covid. I know that's easy for me to say. But giving birth, learning to nurse and raising your own tiny human really is the best experience in the world, try savour it if you can.

My daughter's birth was complicated and the start of nursing wasn't easy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat! Hopefully your partner surprises you.

Also when my daughter was first born and constantly feeding, taking her to bed and just cuddling up (safely co sleeping!) on our own for a few hours was blissful tbh so you might be glad of him staying up until 2am on his xbox like I eventually was

rosieflowers · Jun 3, 2020

Fishnips said:
Just try explain to him that you're a bit worried about getting everything done. If he's like my fella this will evoke a better response than "I feel like I'm going to do everything on my own" because he'd definitely spit his dummy out about that But I entirely get what you mean. I really just accept now that we have different attitudes to life (I.e. he's a bit lazy ) and it's my choice whether I tolerate that or leave. I love him, so here we are.

If you're on Facebook the Breastfeeding Yummy Mummies group is invaluable for BF support And I think your aunt is right to be cautious - but honestly, even having somebody to text or call who really understands really helps. Other than 1 friend I don't have anybody around me who breastfed, and my partner doesn't know anybody who did either (he has 2 kids from prev. relationship and nieces and nephews), so when I was struggling I didn't really want to reach out as everybody just told me "it's ok to formula feed" which absolutely it is. But having somebody who could honestly say "you're doing fantastic - this day is going to pass - just keep going" really meant the world. If you're having latching problems or anything, you can always use video call. And look into if the hospital (if you're having a hospital/alongside unit birth) has a lactation consultant team. Midwives and HVs aren't particularly qualified to give BF advice so keep that in mind.

Please don't let any of this put a damper on things. Forget about the Xbox, the cleaning, covid. I know that's easy for me to say. But giving birth, learning to nurse and raising your own tiny human really is the best experience in the world, try savour it if you can. My daughter's birth was complicated and the start of nursing wasn't easy, but I would do it all again in a heartbeat! Hopefully your partner surprises you.

Also when my daughter was first born and constantly feeding, taking her to bed and just cuddling up (safely co sleeping!) on our own for a few hours was blissful tbh so you might be glad of him staying up until 2am on his xbox like I eventually was

I think you may be right, I think they may be the same person

he totally spits his dummy out if I say something like I feel like I'm gonna have to do it all myself! He can be so moody after we've had an argument, I know today will be awkward as hell until I make it all up and breeze over it....

Thank you sooo much, you've helped me to refocus on the hopefully really nice bits of this which will be falling in love with the new baby, thanks for the BFing advice too, I was really relying on having loads of support in place and it's obviously been an adjustment realising it won't be the way you planned.

The baby totally wasn't planned - I missed three days of my pill when we were moving house in Oct and I went away for the weekend - so it's all been a bit make-do and get on with it which I don't suppose helps. However saying that my BF has always been really keen, he'd have had a baby years ago if I'd let him and he's used to them, he has five siblings aged 5-15 so it's not that he wasn't sure about having the baby, it was more me that is nervous.

I was loving having family around me who were so excited about the baby, it was really getting me excited too, obviously corona has taken all that away.

I've been so positive for most of this lockdown really getting on with things but have had about three of these patches of feeling anxious, I guess I've been pinning my hopes on things improving and as it gets closer obviously time is running out.

We were actually due to get married in early May, had it all booked and planned, and then a honeymoon/ babymoon in Spain, which obviously all went down the pan too!

Fishnips · Jun 3, 2020

rosieflowers said:
I think you may be right, I think they may be the same person he totally spits his dummy out if I say something like I feel like I'm gonna have to do it all myself! He can be so moody after we've had an argument, I know today will be awkward as hell until I make it all up and breeze over it....

Thank you sooo much, you've helped me to refocus on the hopefully really nice bits of this which will be falling in love with the new baby, thanks for the BFing advice too, I was really relying on having loads of support in place and it's obviously been an adjustment realising it won't be the way you planned.

The baby totally wasn't planned - I missed three days of my pill when we were moving house in Oct and I went away for the weekend - so it's all been a bit make-do and get on with it which I don't suppose helps. However saying that my BF has always been really keen, he'd have had a baby years ago if I'd let him and he's used to them, he has five siblings aged 5-15 so it's not that he wasn't sure about having the baby, it was more me that is nervous.

I was loving having family around me who were so excited about the baby, it was really getting me excited too, obviously corona has taken all that away.

I've been so positive for most of this lockdown really getting on with things but have had about three of these patches of feeling anxious, I guess I've been pinning my hopes on things improving and as it gets closer obviously time is running out.

We were actually due to get married in early May, had it all booked and planned, and then a honeymoon/ babymoon in Spain, which obviously all went down the pan too!

I know it feels hard to be positive right now, but it really will all come together. My partner didn't want more kids, I didn't plan to have kids at all, I was on the mini pill so a big surprise, at the time I found out I was pregnant my partner was sofa surfing and I lived with my mum and dad (who I don't get along with and haven't seen since baby was born) Severe sickness kept me off work for nearly the whole pregnancy. I spent 40 weeks drowning in anxiety about how I'd cope, if I'd be a good mum, if our relationship would cope, where I was going to find money to buy her everything she needed, etc. I think a lot of first time mums do! By the time she was 5 days old I realised all a baby needs is a clean bum, a full tum and cuddles with mum and I'd wasted 40 weeks panicking for nothing when I should've been enjoying it. Even if it's hard, you just find a way, frankly because you have to!

Your family are still there. Reach out if you need to. But to be honest, the best thing you can do (especially if you're planning to breastfeed) when baby arrives is nest down, nurture your baby and enjoy not having to worry about visitors or anybody interfering. Lockdown will pass. Focus on your little one and your own recovery. Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy & birth - I'm so jealous.

Raininvain · Jun 3, 2020

I wouldn't be in a rush to get married to him either. He sounds like he would be better off walking down the aisle with the X Box.

B192020 · Jun 3, 2020

Things will become clearer in the years after baby arrives. You will really focus on your priorities and either he steps up or he doesn’t. It’s awful that it happens but relationships often break down after a baby arrives because of differing priorities. I was at home with my lovely newborn thrilled to watch her grow and my (then) husband was having an affair with a work colleague and complaining when I asked him to hold baby for five minutes in the evening so I could pee without a baby on my boob

I hope you’re ok. Reach out if you need help. He sounds like an overgrown man child.

CosmicCreepers · Jun 3, 2020

I'm really sorry to hear how anxious you are, you definitely don't need all the stress of this with a baby on the way! This might sound strange but could there be a possibility your OH has some mental health issues going on? I know it sounds weird but playing video games could be a way of him distracting himself from his thoughts. But I'm sure once lockdown is lifted even more, and you can see your friends and family again then everything will feel much much better. I have anxiety myself and it's been the worst I've ever had in lockdown. I hope you're okay

onmylunchbreak · Jun 4, 2020

I really feel (mostly from reading threads on here) than gaming is a huge issue in marriages and relationships. My husband isn’t a gamer and I’m feeling increasingly grateful for that fact. I’d be the same as you and I think gaming that much isn’t healthy for him, you, or your relationship.

As far as being worried about how things will change once baby arrives, I think you should do all you can to prepare yourself and your home, and just wait to see how he responds and changes. When our first was born, it was like a switch flipped. My husband had a mini breakdown the day of the birth because the sudden huge responsibility hit him like a train. Not in a bad way even I just don’t think men have the same bond with the baby during pregnancy that women do.

If after baby arrives he is still gaming, not adapting... let him know that you are unhappy and would like to try counselling. If he is dismissive and refuses to make any changes, and won’t acknowledge your feelings, then I feel it will be time to really think about whether you are willing to tolerate the relationship as it is, or to move on.

As far as the DIY thing, I find the thing that kicks my husband up the bum is starting things myself. As soon as he sees me dragging the lawnmower out he jumps up to help. If I had asked him to cut the lawn or nagged , he would dig his heels in and do the ‘in a minute’ thing.