Parents and favouritism

[User_name_100]

I'm fairly sure my family don't read here so I'm going to vent as it's getting to me. I'm also going to counselling about other issues and the counsellor wants me to open up more about my childhood to her too as she thinks some of my issues stem back to this too.

I think today I finally accepted my sibling is the "favourite" with my parents and it hurts. Not because I want to be in that position but because I've realised that my parents don't really care much about me, at all.

I've just had to babysit for my nephew today for 11 hours whilst my sibling and parents went on a nice day out Christmas shopping, out for a fancy lunch, quality time together as a family etc etc. I wasn't invited & I didn't even get a thank you for babysitting, not even a token gift like a box of chocolates or whatever. In fact they came home four hours after the time I was told they'd be back and couldn't understand why I was upset.

I've had this sort of behaviour before and I always just shrugged it off. My parents will call my sibling a few times a week for a chat, will visit them yet would never pop in to see me (I live 5 mins away...!) and it's almost as if I don't exist unless I make myself known. It's fucked with my self worth hence why I'm working through it with a counsellor.

I am thinking of distancing myself from them due to this behaviour which has been going on for years. Not an easy decision but one I think I need to make.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

 

[Snippysnips]

Oh I know am in this position,.my dad worked on the oil rigs so he was gone a ton an when home was mostly sleeping or working on the house, so it was mostly our mum that watched us or family members, an she definitely favoured my brother, he was an still is to this day "Mummys boy" even looking back videos when we were kids at bdays or Xmas am hardly in them, it's all focused on him, then when he started dancing it got worse as it was what she wanted us to do, I mean forget the fact I had already been forced to do it for 8 years by the time he decided to do it, suddenly it was "ohh my boys dancing, I've finally got my little dancer" when I finally gave it up at 18 after 16 years an my health permanently fked all hell broke loose an she never spoke to me for weeks saying I was a spoilt brat for wasting all that money an not making a career out it but when my bro gave it up then it was totally fine an acceptable cause he wanted to move on from it, now he's got a kid an he's even more special because he's given her a grandchild an all I hear about is how it's wonderful having a girly girl an how it's wonderful buying dresses because I never gave her that (I was a tomboy)

I honestly would love to cut her off tbh if my brother phones for somthing then she will drive all over the country for it or go out her way to do it, but if I asked a tiny favour I'd he a pest an why can't I do it myself, I always had to do the cleaning up as well as pay rent money when working but when he was working it was fine not to do a thing cause he had a job an he was allowed his free time to do whatever

I honestly have no time for my brother either, I love my neice an I'll take her, after all it's not her fault she's been brought into this tit family but I don't involve myself with my brother or his wife as much as I can

 

[Megansnarkle]

I'm fairly sure my family don't read here so I'm going to vent as it's getting to me. I'm also going to counselling about other issues and the counsellor wants me to open up more about my childhood to her too as she thinks some of my issues stem back to this too.

I think today I finally accepted my sibling is the "favourite" with my parents and it hurts. Not because I want to be in that position but because I've realised that my parents don't really care much about me, at all.

I've just had to babysit for my nephew today for 11 hours whilst my sibling and parents went on a nice day out Christmas shopping, out for a fancy lunch, quality time together as a family etc etc. I wasn't invited & I didn't even get a thank you for babysitting, not even a token gift like a box of chocolates or whatever. In fact they came home four hours after the time I was told they'd be back and couldn't understand why I was upset.

I've had this sort of behaviour before and I always just shrugged it off. My parents will call my sibling a few times a week for a chat, will visit them yet would never pop in to see me (I live 5 mins away...!) and it's almost as if I don't exist unless I make myself known. It's fucked with my self worth hence why I'm working through it with a counsellor.

I am thinking of distancing myself from them due to this behaviour which has been going on for years. Not an easy decision but one I think I need to make.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

Do you like and get on with your parents (favouritism issues aside)? Do you want to spend more time with them? Or is the issue actually the disparity in treatment?

I live miles away from the rest of my family but I'm sure that even if I lived close that my mum would still see more of my sister than me (nephew aside) as they're just more similar people and have more in common in terms of interests. And that's fine.

Distance yourself to the extent you want and are happy with. You can still be family and have a relationship with them but it sounds like you're bringing feelings from your childhood and resentment into your relationships as an adult.

 

[klarakluckbag]

I'm fairly sure my family don't read here so I'm going to vent as it's getting to me. I'm also going to counselling about other issues and the counsellor wants me to open up more about my childhood to her too as she thinks some of my issues stem back to this too.

I think today I finally accepted my sibling is the "favourite" with my parents and it hurts. Not because I want to be in that position but because I've realised that my parents don't really care much about me, at all.

I've just had to babysit for my nephew today for 11 hours whilst my sibling and parents went on a nice day out Christmas shopping, out for a fancy lunch, quality time together as a family etc etc. I wasn't invited & I didn't even get a thank you for babysitting, not even a token gift like a box of chocolates or whatever. In fact they came home four hours after the time I was told they'd be back and couldn't understand why I was upset.

I've had this sort of behaviour before and I always just shrugged it off. My parents will call my sibling a few times a week for a chat, will visit them yet would never pop in to see me (I live 5 mins away...!) and it's almost as if I don't exist unless I make myself known. It's fucked with my self worth hence why I'm working through it with a counsellor.

I am thinking of distancing myself from them due to this behaviour which has been going on for years. Not an easy decision but one I think I need to make.

Has anyone else been in this situation?

My family are relatively normal, but my husband's parents were dreadful people. His father favoured his stepson over his actual son (my husband), it has left my husband with lifelong trust issues, and he has worked hard to make sure that he is a better parent to his children than either of his parents ever were to him. Unfortunately, it has soured his relationships with his siblings, most of whom are always falling out with each other. I spent many years trying to encourage him to to be the "better person", but I've long since realised that he is much happier when estranged from the whole lot of them, their toxic childhood just seems to bring out the worst in each of them when they are together.

There is such a taboo around people who disengage from the traditional family ties, but it's not good for any of us to have to spend time with people that make us feel resentful. Knowing that you aren't the "favourite" is demoralising, and makes you feel worthless and unloved. Why would you want to spend time with anyone who makes you feel like that? There's no reason why you can't start distancing yourself from them, you don't have to explain yourself, you don't have to give any reasons why, it's entirely your choice. If you want to see your nephew, see him when it suits you (and him), not when it suits your sibling and/or parents.

But do try not to let this resentment affect your other relationships. To put it bluntly, your parents are arseholes of the highest order, this is absolutely not about you. Decent parents may well get on better with one child, more than they do another. But decent parents don't treat their children differently, they don't show favouritism, it's bad parenting, which has lifelong effects. Your counsellor sounds as though she understands what has happened to you, so it may well be worth exploring this in more detail with her. But yes, if it makes you fell better, definitely distance yourself from your family. You can't change their behaviour. But you can change your response to it.

 

[candyland_]

Are they planning to have a Christmas day out with you too? Did you enjoy the time with your nephew or was it an inconvenience?

I would probably distance myself too and I have in the past when I’ve needed space. My parents always check up on me after a few days if I fall off the radar but sometimes I need time away.

I’m always the one expected to help others but I realised it was to my own detriment so I have decided to stop being so helpful and put myself first before I help anyone else. I think people take it for granted.