Older partner & wanting a baby

Likkleone · Dec 4, 2020

Hi all,

I’ll great straight into it.

my partner is 20 years older than me, he’s been married and divorced (before we met) and we’ve been through some things together which I’ve shared a bit in previous threads. We’ve had a rough year but we’ve overcome huge hurdles and are in a good place.

the issue is - I am incredibly maternal. I’ve unfortunately experienced a miscarriage recently which broke my heart but I’ve had to heal from. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but I have always known I wanted a baby, sooner, rather than later. I’ve landed my dream job this year which is HUGE in the current circumstances. But I am one of those people that ‘know’ they want to have a family. Given the age gap between me and my boyfriend, I also feel that time is not on our side. I have older parents too and I dread to think about having children without my mum here.

My partner is very methodical and always needs plans or to do things ‘by the book’ if that makes sense? He’s scared to make big decisions because he’s had a bad childhood and doesn’t want a child in a broken home. So everything needs to be ‘perfect’?! Whereas I honestly do not believe in there being a right time and financially and emotionally I know our baby would not go without.

i think I’m scared that I wait for years and he turns around and says he doesn’t want a child? The older people get, the more likely they get stuck in their ways.

sorry, I don’t speak to friends about this so this is one HUGE ramble. But I feel quite alone and this constant desire for things to be perfect with my partner, when they never will be, scares the hell out of me. I’m 27, experienced a miscarriage and I am very well aware of the issues people go through when TTC. The longer we wait, the older everyone gets, the more chances things go wrong. Perhaps that sounds stupid but I hope someone understands.

openbook1 · Dec 4, 2020

Nothing is going to be "perfect" when it comes to having a child. I really feel this is a sit-down conversation that you need to have with him. You don't want to wait and then for him to say he doesn't want children, that will make you resent him. You know you want a child and he seems unsure. You both need to be on similar pages. It really can be a make or break thing for a relationship. Perhaps he needs to speak to a therapist about his bad childhood and the fears he has from that - totally normal and may help him.

Likkleone · Dec 4, 2020

openbook1 said:
Nothing is going to be "perfect" when it comes to having a child. I really feel this is a sit-down conversation that you need to have with him. You don't want to wait and then for him to say he doesn't want children, that will make you resent him. You know you want a child and he seems unsure. You both need to be on similar pages. It really can be a make or break thing for a relationship. Perhaps he needs to speak to a therapist about his bad childhood and the fears he has from that - totally normal and may help him.

Thank you for your reply. I totally agree, I think this is a mental block that he has to work on because he would make an amazing Dad.

Difficult subject but I think we will sit down to discuss this tonight.

HoneyBee29 · Dec 4, 2020

I fell pregnant unexpectedly over the first lockdown and it was unplanned. Knew we both wanted kids in the next few years but wasn’t expecting it to happen that quick. There is never a perfect or right time whether I fell pregnant now or a few years from now there would be something I’d think currently isn’t perfect or find some other reason why it ‘isn’t the right time’ but it is defiantly something you both need to be on the same page about if you want a child and he doesn’t that’s a difficult situation but hopefully you can both talk it out

Raininvain · Dec 4, 2020

Sorry I'd ditch him and get someone younger. Hes way, way too old for you. If your feeling now he's set in his ways what's it going to be like in a few years time when hes a really old man and you are still young? How are you going to manage looking after a child, him because he will be an old man and elderly parents as well?

LaurieLaurie · Dec 4, 2020

I’d dump him aswell. He’s already set in his ways and basically already told you no kids without being blunt.

EyeSpy88 · Dec 4, 2020

I have a similar age gap and I’m 32 and have a 5 year old son with my partner, he was a very happy accident, we had talked about children as I knew I wanted a baby (he has two sons from previous relationship) but he was hesitant with age and we also were long distance at this point, he was in process of selling his house with his ex etc.
it wasn’t the right time on paper & it was hard but we have made it work, now all in the same location and very happy!
Id just be completely honest and let him know there will never be a ‘prefect’ time. Lots of luck xxx

Fizzwhizz2020 · Dec 4, 2020

Do what’s right for you. I’ve always wanted children and for one reason or another it’s not happened. Met a lovely guy after a long term relationship a few years ago, I was honest and said I wanted kids from the start. He didn’t and that was his choice but I said to take it or leave it. He took it. I’m ok if it doesn’t happen, but at least I know the option hasn’t been taken from me by someone x

Alexaj · Dec 5, 2020

He's been married before and chosen not to have children with the ex, do you think it's fair to force the issue with him when he's clearly not as keen? I'm reminded of Friends and Monica/Richard. He eventually gives in and says he'll have children with her because she wants to, but she's sensible enough to turn down the offer because she wants to be with someone who wants children as much as she does.

Fizzwhizz2020 · Dec 5, 2020

Alexaj said:
He's been married before and chosen not to have children with the ex, do you think it's fair to force the issue with him when he's clearly not as keen? I'm reminded of Friends and Monica/Richard. He eventually gives in and says he'll have children with her because she wants to, but she's sensible enough to turn down the offer because she wants to be with someone who wants children as much as she does.

Mine was married before and didn’t want children too. I said that I’m a different person and this is what I want and I was not willing to compromise (not quite as blunt)

. But it’s what I want. I’m stable, I have a home and a job and I realised that I was a catch (not bigging myself up. But realised that I don’t want anyone else to dictate what I can and can’t have). We’ve been together 2 years and he’s happy trying. If it happens it happens if not, then that’s ok. I just think you need to go for what you want. It’s not about tricking anyone it’s just about being honest with yourself xx

Alexaj said:
He's been married before and chosen not to have children with the ex, do you think it's fair to force the issue with him when he's clearly not as keen? I'm reminded of Friends and Monica/Richard. He eventually gives in and says he'll have children with her because she wants to, but she's sensible enough to turn down the offer because she wants to be with someone who wants children as much as she does.

And also, there aren’t many men jumping up and down at the thought of having kids. It’s not forcing someone if you give them the option. If they know the score from the start and you’re honest. Is it fair for them to say no and you give up what you want? flip it round. I’m just not the type of person who will accept someone saying no. It’s their choice to say no of course, I respect that. It’s also my choice to say no and walk away if I’m going to miss out on something that’s important to me x