Not seeing parent at Christmas

JLXRD · Nov 29, 2020

Hi all,

so a bit of back story; very strained relationship with my mother. History of her physically and mentally abusing me in childhood. She has an alcohol problem and has been diagnosed schizophrenic however her doctors now feel she more likely has a personality disorder.

I have considered going NC several times but struggled due to guilt as she can be nice sometimes.

Anyway, since being with my husband I have spent Christmas Day with his family - we have 2 young nieces and I just love seeing it all through their eyes.

I received a message from my mother along the lines of

‘you will be with me for Christmas this year as you haven’t the last 2 years and it’s not fair to be so selfish to people who care about you’.

I am not sure how to respond; I don’t want to spend Christmas with her and my stepdad and brother as all she will do is sit and drink all day. That’s not fun for me, even more so as we have to drive back home 45 mins from her so will need to be sober.

What should I say? I’m conscious no matter what I say, I will get a lot of abuse back. But I don’t know if I should be honest about my reasoning and the tone of her message not being suitable for your 27 year old daughter...

I would normally go see her Xmas Eve but due to covid bubbles I won’t be able to do that this year.

Any suggestions on how I could word my response in a brave but not too harsh way would be very appreciated! X

Lollypad · Nov 29, 2020

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. For what it’s worth, it isn’t selfish to do the right thing for you, particularly when doing the thing your mum wants you to do could cause you distress. I think you saying “no matter what I say I will get a lot of abuse back” is really telling - and I think you have to do what is right for you. It’s not like she’d be on her own. As hard as it is, it sounds like the best and most enjoyable thing for you is doing what you’ve already been doing.

What does your brother think about the situation, is he supportive?
On the wording, I would usually say it’s best to be honest but I do know how difficult that bit can be. Can you bend the truth a little and say that it’s because of the bubbles? Maybe arrange a half an hour video call during the day - so you know you’ll be in a safe environment, but you’ll still get to spend some time with her and the family?
Whatever happens though, please don’t feel guilty about doing the best thing for you, no matter how much abuse you get for it.

LaurieLaurie · Nov 29, 2020

“We’re staying at home due to Covid. Enjoy your Christmas”

Shut it down, don’t engage in discussion. End of.

LittleMy · Nov 29, 2020

I’d be as blunt as possible, if you’re expecting abuse regardless of what you say then I wouldn’t skirt around the issue.

judgejohndeed · Nov 29, 2020

Think your response depends on how much contact you want to maintain with her. People get so funny about Christmas at the best of times so I can imagine it getting really nasty in this situation. If you want to keep it friendly - 'we already have plans for Christmas, thank you for the offer. Really sorry we won't be able to see you on Christmas Eve as planned but maybe we can Zoom/Facetime/whatever.' If you're not bothered - more of a blunt approach as suggested above.

JoeBloggs · Nov 29, 2020

I agree, be blunt. Don’t engage or go for anything open, we already have plans is a polite but blunt. It’s your Christmas and don’t feel guilted into spending it with people you don’t want to.

Esme · Nov 29, 2020

I agree with everything said above. It doesn’t sound like it would be enjoyable for you to go there for Christmas and your feelings matter too.

This year more than ever we all need some happiness and joy - I’ve been feeling so emotional and tearful about Christmas this year, it’s been such a difficult year with barely any socialising and my daughter is 16 months so most of our friends and family haven’t seen her since January/February time due to distance and lockdown/restrictions. We’ve missed so much and it’s going to continue like this for a while yet.

However yesterday after my daughters nap we brought her into the lounge to see the Christmas tree twinkling in the dark and her reaction was just everything. Christmas will be special regardless of restrictions because it’s magic for her and we have to make the effort for her and ourselves.

You’re perhaps best to just explain you will be doing as you’ve done previous years and going to your husbands side, add in about the restrictions/family bubbles/Max of 3 households. You could add it has already been agreed and arranged and you don’t want to disappoint your nieces by not going and if you feel you need to, add in that you’ve barely seen them this year so Christmas is more important than ever to have some time together. Say anybody you aren’t seeing in person, you’ll do Skype/zoom with. I’d keep it short and firm, to make it clear you won’t change your mind about your plans. Be strong xxx

Say What · Nov 29, 2020

I wouldn’t even entertain her because I have interpreted that as someone looking for an argument. I would politely respond sorry I have made plans already due to COVID, enjoy your Christmas.

Barbie2020 · Nov 29, 2020

Enjoy your Christmas and spend with hubby’s family if that’s what will make you the happiest. Could you say the kids have been begging for you to go to theirs and you don’t want to let them down? Sorry you’ve had to put up with your mum being like that

Trolleydollycoffeelover · Nov 29, 2020

JLXRD said:
Hi all,

so a bit of back story; very strained relationship with my mother. History of her physically and mentally abusing me in childhood. She has an alcohol problem and has been diagnosed schizophrenic however her doctors now feel she more likely has a personality disorder.

I have considered going NC several times but struggled due to guilt as she can be nice sometimes.

Anyway, since being with my husband I have spent Christmas Day with his family - we have 2 young nieces and I just love seeing it all through their eyes.

I received a message from my mother along the lines of

‘you will be with me for Christmas this year as you haven’t the last 2 years and it’s not fair to be so selfish to people who care about you’.

I am not sure how to respond; I don’t want to spend Christmas with her and my stepdad and brother as all she will do is sit and drink all day. That’s not fun for me, even more so as we have to drive back home 45 mins from her so will need to be sober.

What should I say? I’m conscious no matter what I say, I will get a lot of abuse back. But I don’t know if I should be honest about my reasoning and the tone of her message not being suitable for your 27 year old daughter...

I would normally go see her Xmas Eve but due to covid bubbles I won’t be able to do that this year.

Any suggestions on how I could word my response in a brave but not too harsh way would be very appreciated! X

she’s trying to guilt trip you. Don’t rise to it. You’ll be a stronger person for it.

Web30 · Nov 29, 2020

I think I would just ignore the message and not give it a response. That's just me though, not sure its the best thing to do.

Mayday · Nov 29, 2020

I agree with others - just say due to Covid, you've made other plans. Don't let her make you feel guilty for not going and doing whats best for you - you're not selfish for putting yourself first. The fact that she's claiming as such is very narcissistic, and sounds like she's trying to control you and make you feel guilty.

JLXRD · Nov 29, 2020

Thank you all for the suggestions and kindness

I have considered ignoring it, but I do fee that might be a bit unfair for her in terms of getting food in etc

I just can’t cope with a big argument.

I am also a bit worried about saying covid as the main reason, as then next year if every thing is fine, it will be the same thing again - but I suppose I could cross that bridge when o come to it.

I’m wording a message back along the lines of ‘I won’t be coming for Christmas for many reasons, covid restrictions being one of them. I’m sorry if that hurts your feeling or doesn’t meet your expectations in some way.’

not sure if I should apologise though

just dreading the message back at this point.

Esme · Nov 29, 2020

If you’ve been to husbands side the last two years then I would expect her to already be expecting you to be doing the same this year. It’ll be horrible sending the message and waiting for a reply, I hate things like that

but you are doing the same as previous years so it shouldn’t come as a great surprise. If you don’t want to say sorry for not going, you can soften the end by saying you’re happy to video call. I always hope a positive end to a negative message helps to ease things

JoeBloggs · Nov 29, 2020

JLXRD said:
Thank you all for the suggestions and kindness

I have considered ignoring it, but I do fee that might be a bit unfair for her in terms of getting food in etc I just can’t cope with a big argument.

I am also a bit worried about saying covid as the main reason, as then next year if every thing is fine, it will be the same thing again - but I suppose I could cross that bridge when o come to it.

I’m wording a message back along the lines of ‘I won’t be coming for Christmas for many reasons, covid restrictions being one of them. I’m sorry if that hurts your feeling or doesn’t meet your expectations in some way.’

not sure if I should apologise though

just dreading the message back at this point.

You don't have anything to apologise for, so I wouldn't make it seem like you do, but then it does soften the blow. Perhaps - Sorry if that changes your plans?

Once this year is over, perhaps you need to make it clear you will always see your husbands family so it clears and thought of her doing this next year.

JLXRD · Nov 29, 2020

I sent it, with the apology.

I have had a message back about how I’m very selfish, all I care about is what I want to do, what will I do when she is dead, and that she is also going be messaging my mother in law to let her know ‘what I’m really like’

very much hoping the message to MIL is an empty threat, if only because it’s so embarrassing to have to explain. However if she does message my MIL I do think it’s a step too far and will mean I consider going NC with her.

Thanks for all the suggestions guys

Off to check my MILs online status for the next 2 hrs and hope I don’t get a message from her like ‘ummm I have had a message from your mum’

Esme · Nov 29, 2020

You are not being selfish! Don’t let her make you believe that. You are doing what is right for you, and just because you aren’t giving in to her demands means she’s trying to turn it back on you perhaps in the hope it’ll force you round, although surely it would be better for her to want you to go round

I’m so sorry about her threatening to message your MIL. In a way, if she does then it opens the door for you to say NC is the only way forwards.

Please try not to let her get to you. You are doing what is right for you and she will just have to accept it

look forward to your special Christmas and the magic with your nieces xxx

JLXRD · Nov 29, 2020

Esme said:
You are not being selfish! Don’t let her make you believe that. You are doing what is right for you, and just because you aren’t giving in to her demands means she’s trying to turn it back on you perhaps in the hope it’ll force you round, although surely it would be better for her to want you to go round

I’m so sorry about her threatening to message your MIL. In a way, if she does then it opens the door for you to say NC is the only way forwards.

Please try not to let her get to you. You are doing what is right for you and she will just have to accept it look forward to your special Christmas and the magic with your nieces xxx

Thank you, this was such a kind lovely message it’s made me a bit emotional

You are right on the message and I shall just try and look forward to my Christmas regardless. It’s actually a relief to have addressed it so I don’t have to keep dreading her asking now.

Lollypad · Nov 29, 2020

JLXRD said:
I sent it, with the apology.

I have had a message back about how I’m very selfish, all I care about is what I want to do, what will I do when she is dead, and that she is also going be messaging my mother in law to let her know ‘what I’m really like’

very much hoping the message to MIL is an empty threat, if only because it’s so embarrassing to have to explain. However if she does message my MIL I do think it’s a step too far and will mean I consider going NC with her.

Thanks for all the suggestions guys Off to check my MILs online status for the next 2 hrs and hope I don’t get a message from her like ‘ummm I have had a message from your mum’

I think (despite the fact it may feel a little embarrassing), your MIL won't feel any lesser about you from such a strange message if she receives it. Well done for sending the message, and again, I'm sorry you're in that position. You deserve to have a lovely Christmas, despite what your mother is telling you.

LittleMy · Nov 29, 2020

JLXRD said:
I sent it, with the apology.

I have had a message back about how I’m very selfish, all I care about is what I want to do, what will I do when she is dead, and that she is also going be messaging my mother in law to let her know ‘what I’m really like’

very much hoping the message to MIL is an empty threat, if only because it’s so embarrassing to have to explain. However if she does message my MIL I do think it’s a step too far and will mean I consider going NC with her.

Thanks for all the suggestions guys Off to check my MILs online status for the next 2 hrs and hope I don’t get a message from her like ‘ummm I have had a message from your mum’

Have a great Christmas and forget all about her (easier said than done I know). That’s ridiculous coming from the more senior adult. Textbook narcissistic behaviour.