negetive people/ friend issues

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

Hey, I posted on here a few weeks ago that I was pregnant and then I sadly had a miscarriage people were so lovely and kind to me on here. I have a friend that I've known years and she did listen to me a bit but a lot of the time when I say I'm struggling or down she just says same/me too and talks about herself. And I find it difficult since whenever she talks about her issues I try my best to give her support/advice and offer suggestions but she often says oh you don't understand and that isn't what I meant. I just feel like it's always thrown back in my face and it's getting me so down, especially now, because I feel like she should let me talk about how I'm feeling sometimes without making it about her.

We both struggle with things mentally and I am really trying to get better and be more positive about things after what's happened I don't want to let it make me worse, but I always feel so drained and down after speaking to her - and have said to her before about how I think we should try and keep our chats a bit lighter but she still often talks about how rubbish things are/what's stressing her out but it can be more serious things like about self harm or her wanting to kill herself. I can be on the phone to her ofteb for four/five hours alot with her upset and then even if it calms down I sometimes say I need to go I'm going in the shower but then she keeps talking and I feel so guilty to say can I go again.

Anyone else been in a situation like this - honestly does it make me a bad friend feeling like this?

 

[iloveanimals]

Im sorry, but she sounds like an emotional vampire, and 5 hours on the phone is too draining for anybody. In light of what you have been through lately, you should really limit your contact with her. If shes talking about self harming she really needs to see a doctor, its not your job , you are not a psychiatrist. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but i have to be honest. I just know i couldnt put up with that, i would end up ignoring the phone. I would feel anxious every time it rang and it was them. I think you need to put yourself first at this time. Guide her towards the gp and if she doesnt do it, limit your contact. xx

 

[Raininvain]

Sorry about the loss of your baby that must be really hard for you. Due to this I think you need to put yourself first here.
Your friend sounds to be really suffering with her mental health and ill with it. I think I'd just tell her you cant support her emotionally at this time because you are grieving and its hard enough getting through the day yourself. I'd tell her she needs to go to the G.P for help and for her to ring the Samaritans instead of you.
Be firm and dont see her again until she gets better somewhat. You cant be listening to all that its not fair.

 

[iloveanimals]

Sorry about the loss of your baby that must be really hard for you. Due to this I think you need to put yourself first here.
Your friend sounds to be really suffering with her mental health and ill with it. I think I'd just tell her you cant support her emotionally at this time because you are grieving and its hard enough getting through the day yourself. I'd tell her she needs to go to the G.P for help and for her to ring the Samaritans instead of you.
Be firm and dont see her again until she gets better somewhat. You cant be listening to all that its not fair.

you are quite right, you put it better than me.

I am also very sorry for the loss of your baby , and i apologise for forgetting to add that to my post, but raininvain is quite right, you are grieving, you dont need all that on top xx

 

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

Thank you to you both, yeah she does have a counsellor. I'm glad you don't think I'm bad for saying this - it's just difficult to deal with I don't think she gets how hard it is for me to listen too but at the same time I don't want any argument or big fall out. And even if it's not serious things it's like she's always really negative I get we all complain sometimes and part of it is her mental health, but for example it can be little things like a bus being late she'll go mad about it for 20 minutes and it's her moaning at me about it then I feel like rubbish when I felt fine before she called me. It does feel constant and it's hard work but feel so guilty being like don't call me as well, hard ain't it xx

 

[iloveanimals]

You are not bad, it would do my head in! You dont have to tell her not to call you. Just dont answer every time, make yourself less available and if they ask why, say you were having a bad day yourself. x Sorry have just realised you said she has a counseller, well thats even better then. You dont need to feel guilty at all, shes already getting help. You could say you dont feel qualified, if you dont want confrontation too xx

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

Aw SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur, have been thinking of you since that post and wondered how you were doing. Hope you are okay. I have had so many friends like this and as I’ve gotten older and had kids, I’ve literally had to just ditch them. It was extremely gradual though as I’d never want to intentionally fall out and hurt someone, especially someone who does need that bit of extra emotional support but that’s not on you. I think definitely guide her to a GP or someone who can counsel her (Samaritans as someone said above) and explain to her that you’ve got a lot going on right now too and you are struggling if she still doesn’t understand that you need to create boundaries then I’d say just try and distance yourself as much as you can. Her problems are absolutely not for you to absorb. I’m such an empathetic person, I sponge other peoples problems to the point where they override what’s going on in my own life and it’s caused me endless struggles with my mental health when in actual fact the people I drained myself for are totally fine without me and thankfully no longer in my life. Really hoping you can have some space from her as it sounds like you really don’t need this stress xx

 

[Definitelyme]

Anyone who makes you feel drained isn’t a person you need to be around - especially now when you’ve been through such an awful few weeks. If you can, take a step back and use covid and social distancing as an opportunity to see less of her, and just some quick messages instead maybe?

I hope you have been keeping ok, I’ve thought about you a few times over the last couple of weeks x

 

[Mayday]

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. You're right - she sounds like a lot. I would just say to her that whilst you're here for her, at times its a bit much as you're dealing with your own stuff and so not sure you can be much help. Maybe see if you can limit to texting and not phone calls (especially if she's going to expect to talk for 5 hours) if you can? Or if she starts talking about suicide and self-harm, mention a helpline like Mind? I know you said she has a counsellor already but that might help too - being able to talk to someone who is trained and can actually help.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

That sounds awful given everything you’ve been through too.

my mum is very similar, if I ring her or if I see her and want to chat about something, she will make the conversation about one of her many illnesses or ailments. You can tell she hasn’t listened to a word I’ve said and she just goes on about herself. She does have depression and is a functioning alcoholic, plus she does have health problems, but it can be a drain to listen to. I don’t think I have one conversation with her without her mentioning something that’s wrong with her. She can also be quite aggressive and she will go on these awful rants about people which also isn’t nice.

I would honestly say the best way to deal with it is just to distance yourself and try and avoid speaking to her if you can. I can’t avoid speaking to my mum, because she’s my mum and I’m all she has, but you don’t owe your friend anything. You’ve gone through an awful time recently and she needs to set aside her own problems to listen to you and how you feel. If she can’t do that or won’t, then there’s not really anything you can do to help her at the moment. Id also just send her an honest message and just explain how you feel. If she reacts badly then she isn’t a friend you want to keep.

 

[SkinnyTurkeyDinosaur]

I am okay yeah I have struggled and cried and cried but feel like I am accepting more as the days go on there were things I didn't put in my pregnancy post about my relationship with the dad/mental health issues also the pregnancy wasn't really planned so yeah I was shocked when I first found out but so so happy when it hit me and did get so excited about being pregnant but I can also see that maybe it just wasn't the right time because of my current issues. I guess that helps me deal with it though (& I know alot of people hate the "wasn't meant to be" phrase so sorry don't want to upset anyone else by saying that but I guess for me if I don't think something like that I know id spiral and be a lot worse) so I try to just think that I will still be a mum one day. I guess that's what's making me friend being like this more upsetting for me too, maybe she just thinks I'm absolutely fine but I still sometimes wish she'd ask how I was coping with it all. It feels like total strangers on here care more than my friend does but I really do appreciate all your kindness. I can understand when she talks about her mental health issues that she's struggling as much as that can be overwhelming for me too but it's when she is constantly negative / complaining over little things like someone being rude to her in a shop for example and going on and on about it, I've felt close to snapping at her but I say like just let it go because your giving it so much of your emotional energy you don't even know them likely won't ever see them again. And she still is so raging angry I know we all have different levels of things we can cope with - but I'm someone who tries my best to be strong and can be annoyingly positive/hopeful at times but I've felt more down especially over lockdown and with us both having more time not doing anything we have spend more time talking then 9/10 times feel worse after getting off the phone to her than I did before. I have tried saying it to her but it doesn't seem to register she will agree to what I've said but then still be the same - but I feel so guilty about just cutting her out and worry it would make her even more depressed. Sometimes I feel like it would even be different if she just appreciated the help I gave her more like if I was upset or stressed about something and someone had listened to everything I had to say and offered me advice/tried to help me calm down I would be so grateful and thankful but she never even says like thanks for trying to help either x


Physically I've been so tired since though and I'm not normally like this, I'm normally someone who can be fine with 6 hours sleep but I've been sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day and I have no energy to do things I'd normally do. I'm awake all night and sleeping all day. Wondering if I'm maybe anaemic with the amount of blood I lost as I have been before, anyway just hope that gets better soon because it really is annoying being wide awake all night.

Thank you so much everyone xx

 

[1001 others]

That sounds awful given everything you’ve been through too.

my mum is very similar, if I ring her or if I see her and want to chat about something, she will make the conversation about one of her many illnesses or ailments. You can tell she hasn’t listened to a word I’ve said and she just goes on about herself. She does have depression and is a functioning alcoholic, plus she does have health problems, but it can be a drain to listen to. I don’t think I have one conversation with her without her mentioning something that’s wrong with her. She can also be quite aggressive and she will go on these awful rants about people which also isn’t nice.

I would honestly say the best way to deal with it is just to distance yourself and try and avoid speaking to her if you can. I can’t avoid speaking to my mum, because she’s my mum and I’m all she has, but you don’t owe your friend anything. You’ve gone through an awful time recently and she needs to set aside her own problems to listen to you and how you feel. If she can’t do that or won’t, then there’s not really anything you can do to help her at the moment. Id also just send her an honest message and just explain how you feel. If she reacts badly then she isn’t a friend you want to keep.

Beautifully said, and by someone who has a similar mother experience to mine!

It is very exhausting dealing with energy vampires. I agree with @Rippedjeanmaybe for the most part ... I wouldn't bother sending her the honest message though - instead, I'd recommend distancing yourself from your friend (don't take her calls and if you do happen to bump into her, just keep your pleasantries short and sweet - don't even ask how she is.

Have you considered joining a miscarriage support group? If not, I would strongly recommend it. In doing so, you would meet people who are going through exactly the same thing as you which in itself can provide great comfort.