Mum Guilt

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I have toddler twins and a 5 month old and am dealing with a serious case of mum guilt so I’m just wondering how those with little children deal with it.

I work (although been on mat leave and a career break) in a pretty high pressure job where, at times the hours can be long and unpredictable. My husband also works long hours, although without extenuating circumstances his shift pattern is pretty reliable. I’m now considering when would be the right time to return to work so we are at the point where we’d have to consider hiring a nanny to have some sort of reliability and I am feeling like the worse mum in the world over it.

I am in a position where I could stay home with the children, and for a while that’s what I was planning to do, however I absolutely love my job and don’t want to put the 6+ years of University to waste.

My husband has been absolutely amazing and said he’ll support whatever my choice is, I’m just wondering how other mums do it. I don’t want a nanny to raise my children so was just wondering how others strike the right balance.
 
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Hi I’ve got a 5 year old and 2 year old, I have a professional job with long hours and national travel frequently (and last minute). After baby no1 I went back 3 days and then went up to 4. After maternity leave no 2 I couldn’t cope with 4 days to get the work done and chose to go back to 5 days and I feel much better for it and calmer at work. I still have mum guilt that I’m not a “proper mum” etc and my youngest is in full time nursery (but loves it!). Do whatever works for your family, I’m a healthier person for working I need the challenge and to use my brain to stay stimulated.
 
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You don’t automatically lose your identity just because you become a mum, and you shouldn’t!

Your kids want a happy family and a happy mum and dad!
they want that now when they’re small, and also when they’re teenagers and adults themselves!

a nanny won’t be “raising” your kids,
child care is there to support YOU in raising your kids, you’re still mum!!

We have come a LONG way from the days when mothers gave up work and stayed home, you shouldn’t be shamed into any decisions!
do what makes you happy,

**whispers** there is NO shame in wanting to continue working on your career, you can love you kids but also love the fact you’re not spending every waking hour singing nursery rhymes. 😬
 
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I am also feeling serious mum guilt!

I have a 7 month old and I go back to work full time in January. Financially we could afford me to work part time but I’ve worked for 9 years to get where I am and it would really hold any future promotions back.

It’s breaking my heart, but I also want him to grow up in a home that’s financially comfortable and understand that if you work really hard then you get nice things.

I’m getting a cleaner as well so any time together is quality time and everything else can wait.
 
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Hi I’ve got a 5 year old and 2 year old, I have a professional job with long hours and national travel frequently (and last minute). After baby no1 I went back 3 days and then went up to 4. After maternity leave no 2 I couldn’t cope with 4 days to get the work done and chose to go back to 5 days and I feel much better for it and calmer at work. I still have mum guilt that I’m not a “proper mum” etc and my youngest is in full time nursery (but loves it!). Do whatever works for your family, I’m a healthier person for working I need the challenge and to use my brain to stay stimulated.
Brain stimulation is kind of what I am missing from working. Part time crossed my mind, however it would mean a demotion and I think if I'm going back, I need to go the whole hog.

You don’t automatically lose your identity just because you become a mum, and you shouldn’t!

Your kids want a happy family and a happy mum and dad!
they want that now when they’re small, and also when they’re teenagers and adults themselves!

a nanny won’t be “raising” your kids,
child care is there to support YOU in raising your kids, you’re still mum!!

We have come a LONG way from the days when mothers gave up work and stayed home, you shouldn’t be shamed into any decisions!
do what makes you happy,

**whispers** there is NO shame in wanting to continue working on your career, you can love you kids but also love the fact you’re not spending every waking hour singing nursery rhymes. 😬
I think you've hit the nail on the head with identity. I definitely feel like I have lost some of my independence, and although I'd do it one hundred times over for my children, I do want to get to the point where I end up resenting them.

I'm so used to the two polar opposites - you either have mum at home being the Stepford wife or you have the nanny who does everything. I think that's what I need to get out of my mind to have some sort of peace with the decision.

**whispers** Thanks. I think that is what I really needed to hear!

I am also feeling serious mum guilt!

I have a 7 month old and I go back to work full time in January. Financially we could afford me to work part time but I’ve worked for 9 years to get where I am and it would really hold any future promotions back.

It’s breaking my heart, but I also want him to grow up in a home that’s financially comfortable and understand that if you work really hard then you get nice things.

I’m getting a cleaner as well so any time together is quality time and everything else can wait.
It's nice (in the nicest possible way) to know I'm not the only one struggling with the decision. I think because we could afford for me to not work without changing our financial situation is making it even harder. However I want my children to know that whilst they are incredible lucky to be growing up in privileged life style with a nice house, private education, holidays etc, it is still important to work hard.
 
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I'm a SAHM (daughter was born with complex needs and we just couldn't manage all her appointments unless one of us stayed at home). Whatever you decide don't feel guilty! There are benefits to both situations. I love being at home but lack of career/pension worries me.
 
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I'm a SAHM and I feel guilty.

Am I a bad role model. Am I wasting my degree. Am I too intense and involved because she is my main job. Am I doing a good enough job. Am I doing the right thing sending to private school. Should I buy her the designer shoes her friend wants. Am I feeding her right. Ame I making her do too much. Is she too sheltered. Is she sheltered enough. Should I work so we have more money.

We're mothers, we're guilty from the moment of inception. My childhood also adds on a nice dollop of catholic guilt.

Do what is right for you. Happy mum, happy kid. Go back and try it, if its not for you stop. Or take the first few years off and go back to work when they're at school.

There is no wrong way to bring up a child (well maybe a few things we shouldn't do) but it takes a village. If you want to go back to work and need a nanny go for it.

The guilt, like genital warts, never goes away!
 
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I considered a longer break, however right now I’ve managed to keep my certification valid and I really do not fancy having to study again!

You’ve all helped my irrational worries though, so thanks!
 
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I am due to go on mat leave at xmas and as the maternity policy at my work has changed, I am taking 9 months off. Previously it was SMP and when I had my daughter who's now nearly 6 and I was back at work after 6weeks (she was 4weeks old as the little menace was 2 weeks late!!), I had to spread my annual leave out to get 2 days a week at home for a few months to help with the mum guilt. It was something to this day I've never got over and always make the time to attend school events as I missed so much in her early years!! On the plus side I think it helped her own independence and ability to not rely on me for everything.....she is more than happy to try things herself before she comes to me (as proud as I am it sets off the mum guilt again!!)
This time round I feel lucky to be getting 9 months off although I know when that time is up I will have to go back to work at least 3/4 days a week - and all that mum guilt is going to set in again like before.....I think no matter what we do we will always feel that guilt. You could return to work after a year and there will always be some mum you know that returns to works once the kids are at school....honestly, I now believe in 'happy mum, happy kids' and it has made like a little less guilt free!!
 
I miss work! I left after my 4th was born. He has asd and leaning difficulties. I couldn't earn enough to have childcare..So it it made sense to leave. But I miss the social interaction and my independence. Do what make for a happier family as a whole. I'm looking to volunteer, so I'm not commited if it the holidays etc, but I can get out and about too. X
 
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