Loved ones moving far away

[Sally1993]

Does anybody else have loved ones who now live a long, long way away? How did/do you feel about it? How did you cope with them leaving? Why did they move? When did you start to feel better about it?

I have a sibling who moved to New Zealand. They weren’t sure what they wanted in life and went to live with someone they met on holiday. They’ve since settled down and had a baby. It’s all been very quick.

I absolutely understand that everyone has the right to make their own choices in life and to be happy. However, I struggle with feelings of loss/abandonment, almost like a bereavement. My loved one is terrible at keeping in touch. We’ve had approximately three FaceTime calls over the year.

Some shared stories would be great. X

 

[BettyCrocker]

Does anybody else have loved ones who now live a long, long way away? How did/do you feel about it? How did you cope with them leaving? Why did they move? When did you start to feel better about it?

I have a sibling who moved to New Zealand. They weren’t sure what they wanted in life and went to live with someone they met on holiday. They’ve since settled down and had a baby. It’s all been very quick.

I absolutely understand that everyone has the right to make their own choices in life and to be happy. However, I struggle with feelings of loss/abandonment, almost like a bereavement. My loved one is terrible at keeping in touch. We’ve had approximately three FaceTime calls over the year.

Some shared stories would be great. X

Yes I have lots of family & friends who live far away and I have also been the person who has moved away and left family at home.

there are many reasons why people move away - practical stuff like work or moving to be close to a partner etc or more emotionally charged reasons like the need to explore the world, find something they can’t seem to find back home, a fresh start etc

it’s natural to miss people and to feel a certain sadness that they are not physically close but it shouldn’t be something that you dwell on or that consumes you or that makes you feel abandoned. I’d say if you have those kinds of feelings towards it you Would benefit from some kind of counselling or similar.

if you feel you would like more communication with them have you asked if that’s possible? Just tell them you miss them and would love it if there could be more regular contact - even suggest a date each month for a regular FaceTime so you have something planned in to aim for each month.

but more importantly is that you lead your own life Wherever you live. Having a bond with siblings or family is wonderful but at the end of the day you are individual independent adults and leading your own life should be your priority.

 

[Misty bananas]

I have 2 siblings who moved away in the last 2 years. Both to the opposite side of the world. One left to marry a girl who he had really only dated long distance so I can empathise with your situation. It feels quick although they dated for a few years. Their wedding is planned for a months time and is going ahead pandemic or not so its upsetting to think we may not be there.
Another sibling went travelling then met a local and has fallen head over heels whi knows when we will see him again.
I find it upsetting but I agree with the poster above l, they are entitled to live their own lives and its up to me to make the best of my own too.
The hardest part for me is that my parents are devastated and talk about it as a "berevement" and their "grief". I understand and try to be supportive but it hurts that my family is not enough and that their focus is what they dont have not what they do have. I may be selfish in my attitude here.
It's a bit tit anyway all round especially in the current climate with travel so restricted.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I have 2 siblings who moved away in the last 2 years. Both to the opposite side of the world. One left to marry a girl who he had really only dated long distance so I can empathise with your situation. It feels quick although they dated for a few years. Their wedding is planned for a months time and is going ahead pandemic or not so its upsetting to think we may not be there.
Another sibling went travelling then met a local and has fallen head over heels whi knows when we will see him again.
I find it upsetting but I agree with the poster above l, they are entitled to live their own lives and its up to me to make the best of my own too.
The hardest part for me is that my parents are devastated and talk about it as a "berevement" and their "grief". I understand and try to be supportive but it hurts that my family is not enough and that their focus is what they dont have not what they do have. I may be selfish in my attitude here.
It's a bit tit anyway all round especially in the current climate with travel so restricted.

With the greatest of respect but your parents are being ridiculous. Calling it a bereavement. For goodness sake! How melodramatic!!! No wonder that makes you feel a bit tit.

 

[Misty bananas]

With the greatest of respect but your parents are being ridiculous. Calling it a bereavement. For goodness sake! How melodramatic!!! No wonder that makes you feel a bit tit.

I completely agree I'll have a rant now but I've been going through a rough patch the last while (haven't we all) and I feel totally unsupported while they moan about the "loss"

 

[Definitelyme]

My husband’s entire family live away from us, including his sibling in New Zealand (he only has one sibling). She is terrible at keeping in contact, despite our best efforts over the years. She now has children we have never met, which I know my husband feels horrible about. We were due to see them last year but of course couldn’t. His parents feel her absence very much, and even though they don’t see us much either they don’t seem to miss us as much as her.

My older kids know who she is and have spent time with her over the years, however my youngest has no idea who she is at all. She makes time to FaceTime her parents a few times a week, but rarely responds to my husband’s requests to FaceTime with her, so the kids never get to see her even on there.

Probably different as it’s not my sibling (I’d be gutted if one of mine left, not that they ever would!) but I do feel she makes no effort to stay in touch so we (the kids and I) kind of just forget about her as she obviously isn’t interested in being part of their lives.

 

[Pinkblush]

The dictionary definition of bereavement.
See the last sentence.

Bereavement is a period of mourning or or state of intense grief, especially following the death of a loved one. Bereavement is often a process that includes going through several stages of grief.
Bereavement can also be used more generally to mean the state of having lost something very dear.


Feelings of loss, grief and bereavement aren't exclusive to death.

 

[BettyCrocker]

The dictionary definition of bereavement.
See the last sentence.

Bereavement is a period of mourning or or state of intense grief, especially following the death of a loved one. Bereavement is often a process that includes going through several stages of grief.
Bereavement can also be used more generally to mean the state of having lost something very dear.


Feelings of loss, grief and bereavement aren't exclusive to death.

well ok. But I’m sorry someone carrying on about feeling bereaved because a family member has moved away is a ridiculous over reaction to a very normal situation. It’s in no way a normal measured response, yes obviously when someone moves away a period of adjustment can follow and yes of course you miss people who live far away but calling it a state of bereavement? No.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

The dictionary definition of bereavement.
See the last sentence.

Bereavement is a period of mourning or or state of intense grief, especially following the death of a loved one. Bereavement is often a process that includes going through several stages of grief.
Bereavement can also be used more generally to mean the state of having lost something very dear.


Feelings of loss, grief and bereavement aren't exclusive to death.

My best friend moved to Australia 12 years ago and it was a bereavement. I went from seeing her everyday to hardly seeing her. It was totally the best thing for her to do (abusive family) and I love seeing how happy she is but it still hurts that she's so far away. We can't afford to go to see her, she comes back every couple of years but I do grieve for the loss of my friendship. Its not the same over Skype etc. Everytime she comes over and then goes again it breaks my heart. I say this as someone who has suffered a lot of death bereavement in her life so I'm not being over the top.

My sister moved abroad too and I missed the first year of my nephews life (we spoke weekly on skype). She has been back for the last 20 yrs but is looking at going out again. I'm not going to lie, I'm already dreading it and secretly hope she doesn't go.

 

[TJ90]

My husband’s entire family live away from us, including his sibling in New Zealand (he only has one sibling). She is terrible at keeping in contact, despite our best efforts over the years. She now has children we have never met, which I know my husband feels horrible about. We were due to see them last year but of course couldn’t. His parents feel her absence very much, and even though they don’t see us much either they don’t seem to miss us as much as her.

My older kids know who she is and have spent time with her over the years, however my youngest has no idea who she is at all. She makes time to FaceTime her parents a few times a week, but rarely responds to my husband’s requests to FaceTime with her, so the kids never get to see her even on there.

Probably different as it’s not my sibling (I’d be gutted if one of mine left, not that they ever would!) but I do feel she makes no effort to stay in touch so we (the kids and I) kind of just forget about her as she obviously isn’t interested in being part of their lives.

In laws on the other side of the world. You are living my dream

 

[Pinkblush]

My best friend moved to Australia 12 years ago and it was a bereavement. I went from seeing her everyday to hardly seeing her. It was totally the best thing for her to do (abusive family) and I love seeing how happy she is but it still hurts that she's so far away. We can't afford to go to see her, she comes back every couple of years but I do grieve for the loss of my friendship. Its not the same over Skype etc. Everytime she comes over and then goes again it breaks my heart. I say this as someone who has suffered a lot of death bereavement in her life so I'm not being over the top.

My sister moved abroad too and I missed the first year of my nephews life (we spoke weekly on skype). She has been back for the last 20 yrs but is looking at going out again. I'm not going to lie, I'm already dreading it and secretly hope she doesn't go.

I fully agree. It may not be full on bereavement that comes with death buts its still a grief of sorts

 

[Definitelyme]

In laws on the other side of the world. You are living my dream

They don’t live that far, just in the “next country” over, we have to fly to see them though. We actually get on well enough, I do wish they were closer. My MIL is definitely a good one!

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I’ve done and had both. I’ve moved away and also had my only and closest family move away. Not quite as far as yours though. Mine is still at least within Europe. It was hard at first, but it was for a better way of life, which they now have, and I’ve always got somewhere to go on holiday . It’s not you they’re leaving so try not to take it personally, they just want a different life. Be happy for them, which I’m sure you are. Maybe explain that you’d like a bit more contact. I wouldn’t think it’s not that they don’t care, they’re probably just getting on with their lives. I don’t speak to my family abroad religiously, but I know they’re always there and I’m there for them and our relationship hasn’t changed x

 

[Ohchristmastree]

Me, I’m the one who has moved away. I moved from the U.K. to Belfgium so not a huge distance but it may as well be the other side of the world with current restrictions. I must admit that me and my husband both would love to move to New Zealand but that’s just too far. When we went on holiday and wanted to speak with family it was just so difficult with the time difference, at least here the time difference is only one hour so we are all awake at the same time.
I must admit I found it hard maybe the first five years or so but it’s just something you put to the back of your mind. It is difficult with ageing grandparents, especially not seeing them for more than a year now. But in normal circumstances I could easily nip back for a weekend. My quality of life is better here, I have an entry level job at a company and my salary is £29k, I have a great work life balance. And my parents know that and don’t want me back

 

[Noseyoldcow]

My husbands twin brother and his family emigrated 10 years ago - it was SO hard for my husband.
We’ve been over to visit twice and they’ve been over twice but it is difficult due to the time difference etc. Also they’ve not had it particularly easy so money’s been really tight for them. A lot of people think the grass is greener.