(Just gonna put a disclaimer, my post talks about mental health, can I just say, I’m safe and sound and I don’t necessarily need any recommendations to mental health organisations as this isn’t the right place or time, if I’m in a crisis, I know where to go, I’m just here to vent emotionally, thank you)
I’m so used to being lonely, my family life and childhood has caused this to see loneliness as a good thing (when it clearly isn’t). I’m 24 years old. With no social life. I suffer with mental health issues and I’m autistic. I’m not a person who’s open about what’s going on with me mentally but do try if I’m definitely not coping well. My father didn’t have friends. That was his choice and his behaviour that made him that way. We weren’t allowed to have friends around or out of school, it was very rare they were allowed around and it wasn’t his decision; my mother took that decision on, my dad was either too busy stealing her wages for his alcohol at the local shops or down the pub drinking alcohol with her wages. I think he saw us having any social life or friends a risk that we may tell them that he was abusive towards certain siblings of mine and my mother and was afraid of that said friend to blab to their parent(s). My parents divorced when I was 13/14, so all of the things I wasn’t used to (or saw as normal) like having that social life and having friends coming over and inviting me over, was uncomfortable for me. It’s also the fact that I wasn’t popular at school and because I felt this deep sense of worthlessness and weakness that my dad drilled in my mind when I was young that I really think they only hung out with me for circumstance and didn’t feel good leaving me “alone”. It also didn’t feel good because I was always sort of left out from anyone giving me trust with their secrets and private business in the inner circle of my friends at school. They did find out what my dad was like and because I was still seeing him at that time and because it was a messy relationship from the start, they may have not trust me? I don’t know. I’m not friends with these girls anymore. They’ve moved on. One of them lives seconds away from me but doesn’t even know how I am or what’s going on in my life. She does bump into my mother a lot and talks to her but that’s it. It happens. In my life, today, it’s different but the same except for the fact that this sheer desperation and anxiety to hold onto these friendships is there. What is the point? Who am I doing this for? It’s an ongoing battle of begging and giving up with begging and moving on. My best friend, whom I’ve been friends with since I was 5 or 6, is slowly distancing herself away from me, I can feel she’s getting bored of me and wants to explore other friendships and other life choices which is absolutely fine but she’s not being brutally honest with me and I’m absolutely petrified to be honest to her. I’m not a confrontational person, so these things are difficult. I haven’t seen her since last year, since the pandemic began to become serious. She’s extremely clinically vulnerable and I don’t want to risk her health. We do message each other but it’s more of the fact that she leaves me on read and I just message. I’m getting a little tired of the no response thing, it’s been this way for a while and I’m afraid I’m giving up, unless she messages me again, I’ll message her back, see how she is. It’s crazy because in my mind at that point it’s “I’m not expecting for anyone to stay, I’m not begging them, it’s their choice to stay in my life, if not, they can leave if they want to” which is true because it’s a side of me being honest. It’s the same with another friendship group I have, we’re all good with each other, their all closer to my brother though, so I don’t really see them as close friends, except for two people, one of them has become close friends to our family since we’ve known her. The other has always been close friends with us. Our families go back since as long as I can remember. There’s one girl who I don’t think I can get along with because we just don’t get along but I do talk to her when it comes along but I wouldn’t class her as a friend. I don’t see these friendships to be saved or to keep going. I see them as short-lived and it comes back to when I was a kid with my father and how he has influenced my mind on how friendships are. I am desperate to just give up, move on and just move away from it all but how can I? Where would the money for that be coming from? My mother, who is still battling with the reality that I’m no longer a child anymore and wants to move on from wherever that is, doesn’t want me to. It all stems from her past and of course mine and my siblings past, she doesn’t want me to move on and is clinging on me because she knows that I’m mentally not ready to move on. I think it’s trauma and abandonment from her own family as she was growing up. I know I shouldn’t say this but I find it quite guilt tripping of her, yes, I know mother’s are like this but it’s more than that. It’s suffocating but I can’t say this to her. Our relationship means a lot and I’m not losing out on it again. She’s not getting any younger. Time’s going quick. I just wished she understood that growing up and still living where I live isn’t going to help me, how will I plan this? I don’t know, I’m not even at the first post yet. I need to move somewhere and start afresh. My father loved to be alone. In his own company but for his own toxic behaviour. I sometimes enjoy my company and love to be alone because I have nothing to lose and I and others won’t get hurt in the process. It sounds selfish, I know but I also get that painful feeling of loneliness. It’s very empty. It isn’t pleasant. That I fear I’m going to end up dead alone. With nobody there to leave anything behind to but weirdly, it feels normal? I don’t know. I’m emotionally venting for someone to relate more than just advice at this point.
Please be gentle with me, I haven’t ever been open to others about my loneliness because why should I be or feel lonely? I have family and friends and that’s more than others have but it’s difficult and I feel like running in one big circle and just getting tired from all the running.
I’m so used to being lonely, my family life and childhood has caused this to see loneliness as a good thing (when it clearly isn’t). I’m 24 years old. With no social life. I suffer with mental health issues and I’m autistic. I’m not a person who’s open about what’s going on with me mentally but do try if I’m definitely not coping well. My father didn’t have friends. That was his choice and his behaviour that made him that way. We weren’t allowed to have friends around or out of school, it was very rare they were allowed around and it wasn’t his decision; my mother took that decision on, my dad was either too busy stealing her wages for his alcohol at the local shops or down the pub drinking alcohol with her wages. I think he saw us having any social life or friends a risk that we may tell them that he was abusive towards certain siblings of mine and my mother and was afraid of that said friend to blab to their parent(s). My parents divorced when I was 13/14, so all of the things I wasn’t used to (or saw as normal) like having that social life and having friends coming over and inviting me over, was uncomfortable for me. It’s also the fact that I wasn’t popular at school and because I felt this deep sense of worthlessness and weakness that my dad drilled in my mind when I was young that I really think they only hung out with me for circumstance and didn’t feel good leaving me “alone”. It also didn’t feel good because I was always sort of left out from anyone giving me trust with their secrets and private business in the inner circle of my friends at school. They did find out what my dad was like and because I was still seeing him at that time and because it was a messy relationship from the start, they may have not trust me? I don’t know. I’m not friends with these girls anymore. They’ve moved on. One of them lives seconds away from me but doesn’t even know how I am or what’s going on in my life. She does bump into my mother a lot and talks to her but that’s it. It happens. In my life, today, it’s different but the same except for the fact that this sheer desperation and anxiety to hold onto these friendships is there. What is the point? Who am I doing this for? It’s an ongoing battle of begging and giving up with begging and moving on. My best friend, whom I’ve been friends with since I was 5 or 6, is slowly distancing herself away from me, I can feel she’s getting bored of me and wants to explore other friendships and other life choices which is absolutely fine but she’s not being brutally honest with me and I’m absolutely petrified to be honest to her. I’m not a confrontational person, so these things are difficult. I haven’t seen her since last year, since the pandemic began to become serious. She’s extremely clinically vulnerable and I don’t want to risk her health. We do message each other but it’s more of the fact that she leaves me on read and I just message. I’m getting a little tired of the no response thing, it’s been this way for a while and I’m afraid I’m giving up, unless she messages me again, I’ll message her back, see how she is. It’s crazy because in my mind at that point it’s “I’m not expecting for anyone to stay, I’m not begging them, it’s their choice to stay in my life, if not, they can leave if they want to” which is true because it’s a side of me being honest. It’s the same with another friendship group I have, we’re all good with each other, their all closer to my brother though, so I don’t really see them as close friends, except for two people, one of them has become close friends to our family since we’ve known her. The other has always been close friends with us. Our families go back since as long as I can remember. There’s one girl who I don’t think I can get along with because we just don’t get along but I do talk to her when it comes along but I wouldn’t class her as a friend. I don’t see these friendships to be saved or to keep going. I see them as short-lived and it comes back to when I was a kid with my father and how he has influenced my mind on how friendships are. I am desperate to just give up, move on and just move away from it all but how can I? Where would the money for that be coming from? My mother, who is still battling with the reality that I’m no longer a child anymore and wants to move on from wherever that is, doesn’t want me to. It all stems from her past and of course mine and my siblings past, she doesn’t want me to move on and is clinging on me because she knows that I’m mentally not ready to move on. I think it’s trauma and abandonment from her own family as she was growing up. I know I shouldn’t say this but I find it quite guilt tripping of her, yes, I know mother’s are like this but it’s more than that. It’s suffocating but I can’t say this to her. Our relationship means a lot and I’m not losing out on it again. She’s not getting any younger. Time’s going quick. I just wished she understood that growing up and still living where I live isn’t going to help me, how will I plan this? I don’t know, I’m not even at the first post yet. I need to move somewhere and start afresh. My father loved to be alone. In his own company but for his own toxic behaviour. I sometimes enjoy my company and love to be alone because I have nothing to lose and I and others won’t get hurt in the process. It sounds selfish, I know but I also get that painful feeling of loneliness. It’s very empty. It isn’t pleasant. That I fear I’m going to end up dead alone. With nobody there to leave anything behind to but weirdly, it feels normal? I don’t know. I’m emotionally venting for someone to relate more than just advice at this point.
Please be gentle with me, I haven’t ever been open to others about my loneliness because why should I be or feel lonely? I have family and friends and that’s more than others have but it’s difficult and I feel like running in one big circle and just getting tired from all the running.
