Kids or not?

[LittleMy]

Some people’s’ lives do change drastically though when they become parents. Not everyone has a reliable support system they can fall back on. It’s rare that my husband and I get a day off from being parents, there’s always one of us with the children because of work (I’m night shift he’s day). All those excited offers of babysitting duties peter out the moment they’re no longer in the cutesy baby stage, and are practically non-existent when your children have high needs. We’re not whining about it, we’re used to it, but that’s our reality. That’s why I’m looking forward to my oldest son starting primary school next week and my youngest starting nursery in September, because it will ease things up a bit for us.

 

[KerChing]

I got married in my mid-20s & never wanted kids. I briefly wondered if I was missing out on the meaning of life & decided I wanted one when I was about 32/33. I have 2 now (planned!) and I love them to bits, but I do think if you don’t massively want them, as in very strong urge, don’t have any. They take over your life

Edited to add we don’t have any family help whatsoever. So we never have a night just us two. No grandparents picking them up from school, no sleepovers with nanny etc. I didn’t know it was going to be like this when we had them. We have good friends who babysit for us to have a meal for birthdays etc. I think it’s easier to be a parent if you have some family support. The flip side is that we’re really close as a family I guess.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I’m so sorry you experienced that, so sad. I suppose as a person who was loved by my own parents (they weren’t perfect but I always felt loved) and as someone who loves my own children (again not perfect but I always shower them with love as much as I can) it’s difficult for me to imagine how it could ever be different. But that was ignorant of me to assume all people are the same so I’m sorry about that.

It's ok don't worry!

I had 2 sets of amazing, caring grandparents who made up for the lack of actual, caring parents.

However I do get triggered by all the 'unconditional love' type comments. Sometimes that just isn't the case and to be honest I don't think that's talked about enough (but that's not the subject here).

 

[Hello Kitty]

I'm 31 and I am the exactly the same as you - one minute I do, then I don't. I can see myself with a child, so maybe in a year or so. I just hate the constant asking from people that I'm not even close to. Someone at my work asked about 6 months ago and I think he could tell that it annoyed me as he apologised after. I don't understand why everyone automatically thinks that everyone wants children, some people don't want them, some people can't have them and some are trying.

I know for a fact that I will never turn into an insta mum and post 50 stories and posts a day - very annoying and weird if your profile is public for anyone to see.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

Pros
- watching them grow and develop is really rewarding.
- all the ‘firsts’ you can think of.
- Doing stuff ‘as a family’ like days holidays and stuff. Holidays with kids are different but that’s not necessarily a bad thing
- Christmas is fantastic with kids especially when they’re old enough to understand the whole Santa thing
- Surprising them with things (not just material) you know they will love and will bring them joy.

Cons
- broken sleep in the early day’s, they often do start to sleep through as they get older but not always.
- They are expensive to clothe, feed and to provide entertainment (Toys etc), plus clubs and activities.
- it doesn’t get cheaper as they get older
- Nursery fees are extortionate
- not being able to sleep in till what ever time you like and often being up at the crack of dawn every day
- having to plan almost everything around the children or at least with them in mind
- if you don’t have good family support it can be pretty much impossible to get a night to yourself
- parenting is relentless for years and years.
- you doubt yourself a lot (well I do)
- when you become a parent everyone suddenly has an opinion especially when they are babies
- childbirth hurts

Even thought my ‘cons’ list is longer than the pros I definitely don’t regret having children. The pros imo strongly outweigh the majority of the cons and are far more valuable to me than say, getting to sleep in every weekend. It’s definitely worth really having a think about whether it’s something you truly want however if you think too much you will end up even more confused I think. It’s tricky, I don’t think anyone should just rush into having kids but also don’t believe there is ever a ‘perfect time’ to have them and that there will always be a reason not to have them, if that’s makes sense.

Those of you who know they don’t want kids should definitely stick to their guns and embrace the freedom that choice gives you. I took that time for granted before I had kids I must admit.

 

[KerChing]

I never said I had it easy, and you don’t know me so don’t assume that, thanks I have so many friends that do exactly the same as I do. I just wanted to make the point hat having kids doesn’t mean your life is over, it’s just different and you can live your life the way you did with some adaptations. Obviously everyone’s experiences are different but surely if you are looking for pros and cons of having kids logistics/childcare etc would be something you’d really think about beforehand

I’m assuming you from your post that you have family who can look after your child? This makes being a parent a LOT easier. I’m not making it hard for myself by not going away with my husband - we simply do not have this option. You are very lucky. My full time job involved nights away, lots of driving around the country & generally being out 7am-7pm. My husband works similar hours. This is not possible with children unless you have help. Obviously I considered this before getting pregnant & quit my job. I don’t want people to think it’s a walk in the park; it’s not.
I saw a lot of posts during lockdown about “when are they grandparents allowed to reopen” etc & I feel sad my kids don’t have that relationship and that we don’t have that break! We choose who goes to a wedding based on whose friend it was first (when you’re friends as a couple, If that Makes sense)

 

[onmylunchbreak]

As someone who spent a hefty portion of their childhood having a parent tell me every single day how I ruined their life, I was a mistake, I should never have been born, how they wanted to kill themselves just to get away from me etc etc I do disagree with your statement.

I'm approaching 36 and kids are a no for me. I made this clear to my husband before we even got together and he is free to make his choice. If he changes his mind I won't begrudge him if he leaves to go do that with someone else.

I’m so sorry you experienced that, so sad. I suppose as a person who was loved by my own parents (they weren’t perfect but I always felt loved) and as someone who loves my own children (again not perfect but I always shower them with love as much as I can) it’s difficult for me to imagine how it could ever be different. But that was ignorant of me to assume all people are the same so I’m sorry about that.

 

[Lauren1994]

I’m 30 and married, and I’m not sure if I want kids? One minute I do, then the next I’m not sure. I enjoy my life as it is; going on holidays, festivals, meals out, drinks, spending money on what I want. I’m actually content with my life at the moment.

None of my friends have kids, so there’s no pressure as such to catch up with them. I have nieces and nephews that I spend time with. I do get questions all the time from people asking when I’m having kids which is super annoying. But as I’m 30 I’ve been thinking about whether or not it’s something I want.

What are the pros and cons to having children? Do you have kids and do you actually enjoy it? Or have you decided not to have kids, if so how do you feel about it? Happy or regretful? Anyone else feeling the pressure at all? Just want to hear other people’s experiences really either way!

30 is still quite young for kids, obviously the later you leave it the more risks there are but I know quite a few people who have had kids in their 40’s. Having a baby will never stop your life, you can still do all the things you love doing but you’ll need to reduce them majorly as a baby is very time consuming.

I think everyone that’s getting older or has been in a relationship for a long time will keep being asked when they’re having kids as it’s whats “normal” or expected. Don’t feel pressured because of the things other people say, you always need to do what’s right for you.

con’s -
- time consuming
- you can’t do what you want when you want
- it’s not as easy to have a “break”
- sleepless nights
- they can be very challenging!
- they can be expensive
- you always have to put being a mum first before anything.

pro’s -
- you get to watch someone grow
- it’s like having a “mini-me”, they’re just a better version of yourself
- you can experience all their “first times” with them
- having a baby makes you more considerate towards others and less selfish
- they’re cute and when you need to cuddle someone they love being held so you can always use them!
- their happiness is your happiness
- you will never be able to create something as beautiful as a child if you don’t have one
- fun!

I have one daughter who is 10/11 months and I also have 5 nieces and one nephew. Two of my nieces are young like my daughter and they play very well together, it’s nice watching them all grow up together. I feel the happiest I’ve ever felt when I’m with my daughter. The small things that used to annoy me now doesn’t because all my attention is on her. I’ve become less argumentative with other people, I don’t hold so many grudges and I’m just happier within myself. With a child you can get postpartum depression but you also get this happiness and love that no one else has ever made you feel before. My daughter doesn’t compare to anyone else I’ve met. I don’t think anyone would regret having their child and if you do regret having them you can always look into adoption.. there are so many people who would love to have children! Even one of your family members might be open to adopting. For the first time in my life I enjoy waking up, I enjoy starting my day knowing I get to spend my time with someone who means everything to me.

I’ve never felt pressured to have children as I’m only 26 and in the process of buying a house (coronavirus has slowed things down!) but I also have a long term illness and I wanted to spend as much time possible with my child as I can. If you are happy with your life now then I recommend you waiting to have children. You always need to put yourself first. If you don’t end up having children then want one later in life (when you can’t) you could look into fostering?

I don’t think you’d ever regret having your child but you may regret the time you had them as they can “pause” your life. Have you spoken to your partner about what they want? That may help with your decision.

 

[onmylunchbreak]

For me the biggest pro is that life just feels more meaningful now. The depth of feelings I have for my children are like nothing I’ve experienced with anyone else. I adore them and couldn’t imagine life without them, it would seem empty to me, almost like the lights only turned on fully when I became a mum.

I think so much good can come from parenthood. It does something positive to your character, that sense of caring so much for someone else. You would die for them in a heartbeat. It makes you into a less selfish person and more compassionate to others generally. It’s always good to focus on others needs before your own - character building.

they are fun. And funny!



cons

- expense. Children are really really expensive to feed, clothe, clubs, holidays. Especially as they get older, and you have to go in school holiday time, and they want consoles and phones and things.
- hardly any time to yourself. This is a big one. You don’t get to even go to the toilet alone, or have a shower when you want.
- the mess. It’s insane.
- Less time with my husband, less sex. This can take its toll on a relationship.
- going to work and the childcare juggle. It’s hard, and I can see why so many women just give up work. If you have two children in nursery, it’s generally not worth it to go to work; unless you have a really high paid job.

When you weigh it up, it seems so easy to talk yourself out of having kids but I wouldn’t change it and I don’t think anyone who has had children would ever ever regret doing so. Sure you can be annoyed about the way it negatively affects your life but I can’t imagine anyone truly regretting their children’s existence.

Something that I think makes child rearing easier is having hands on grandparents. if you have two sets of grandparents who are a) willing to have your children regularly and overnight, and b) aren’t ‘troublesome’ characters in terms of a mother in law that runs you down or a bigoted father/in law, then that would make a real difference. We don’t have the luxury of it and I definitely miss out in terms of retaining my own life and hobbies... compared with my friends with very hands on grandparents.

 

[OatMatchaLatte]

I'm 36 and have never wanted children. I think deep down you just "know" ... although I am someone that listens to my gut for a lot of things. I was open to changing my mind, I wasn't so set against it, but now I feel like if I was going to want them, I'd feel some kind of maternal pull. Truth is, when I see a baby/toddler/child, all I can think is "my god, what a lot of hard work"

I don't lead a particularly exciting life, but I like my gym / work / yoga / holidays ... and something there would have to give. I do think it's pretty much the only decision you can't undo once it's made - especially for women.

 

[LittleMy]

My mum was desperate to become a grandmother, so excited when I fell pregnant and always buying stuff and making out like she would be there all the time and taking them overnight etc but since I’ve had my kids she barely sees them. She will keep my eldest on the rare night here and there, but refuses to take youngest (he is wild tbf and has always been very clingy to me). But still, it’s not the point. They make out like they can’t wait to be hands on grandparents and when the time comes they’re nowhere to be seen.

 

[SusanBoobson]

I’m 30 and married, and I’m not sure if I want kids? One minute I do, then the next I’m not sure. I enjoy my life as it is; going on holidays, festivals, meals out, drinks, spending money on what I want. I’m actually content with my life at the moment.

None of my friends have kids, so there’s no pressure as such to catch up with them. I have nieces and nephews that I spend time with. I do get questions all the time from people asking when I’m having kids which is super annoying. But as I’m 30 I’ve been thinking about whether or not it’s something I want.

What are the pros and cons to having children? Do you have kids and do you actually enjoy it? Or have you decided not to have kids, if so how do you feel about it? Happy or regretful? Anyone else feeling the pressure at all? Just want to hear other people’s experiences really either way!

I have 3 children and my youngest is disabled.
Being a parent has had it’s ups and downs.
We have loved the day trips, holidays and christmases etc but it’s also been 14 years of stress and worry.
If we were childless we could take any holiday we liked, buy what we liked, sleep as much as we wanted, relax whenever we wanted and live wherever we wanted.
I think a lot of people have this fantasy idea about babies and families with the idea that it will compete their life. Yes if things go smoothly and you manage to have 2 perfect children who are well behaved, healthy and do well at school then life as a parent is going to be that bit easier but 9/10 it’s never like that.
You never know what extra needs or difficulties your child will have. It’s a gamble with every pregnancy.
Being a parent is the most exhausting and worrying experience of my life.
My advice is do not do it unless you are really strong and adaptable and don’t mind making huge sacrifices.

You’ll be surprised how easily you adapt to having kids. I haven’t given up anything, but I’ve just had to find a new way of doing things! I think people have this mentality that once you have children your life is over, which just isn’t the case at all.

for some it doesn’t change things. If you have supportive family and babysitters, healthy children etc then great but for many it does change life. I have 3 and a disabled child, I have no babysitters, my husband works all hours and I literally don’t have a second to myself for the last 14 years.

 

[~vix~83~]

I’m 37 and my husband is 44.
we don’t have children for a few reasons., my husband is paralysed and the chances of convincing is very slim, IVF is a option but I’m so scarefd needles it wouldn’t work and also child birth scares me to death lol we said if it happened naturally great But don’t want to force it. Husband has on going health problems so have to factor
That into it too.
wr can’t afford to have children, on benefits as it is and people will judge us etc
We love the freedom
We’d have to move from our little 1 bedroom flat in a great village and we’ve just had a adapted kitchen fitted after years of fighting for it.
We have a niece n nephew who we see a lot and older ones too, and a great nephew.
I love babies and it was always in my life plan, but then I met my husband and my life path changed.

we had a cat and she was our baby But sadly passed away and it broke our hearts,

 

[HinchythetwattyGrinchy]

I’m 23 and my child turned one last month. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I do regret it. I miss my old life - not having to worry about an extra mouth to feed, not having to plan things around the child, having to be careful with money, not being able to just do whatever the hell I want, whenever I want.

I’m not too fussed about going out on night outs as such, I went out ALL the time when I was 18/19... literally every weekend I’d be at the pub. Besides, a glass of wine is much more rewarding now when I’ve put the child to bed!

Again, I just miss my old life. I wish I had waited a little longer and seen the world a bit more - I’ve always wanted to travel, I guess I can still do that but it’ll have to be when my child is at an age where she can look after herself and not rely on her parents. I do love parenting, but sometimes it really does become tedious and stressful!

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I sometimes see pictures and vlogs of the influencers children and they make motherhood seem a breeze and like it’s so easy, but then I spend time with other people’s children and I quickly realise how much I don’t suit being a mum.

I am mid 20’s, have been in a relationship for 5 years and we both agreed at the start we weren’t interested in children, however I do know that if I wanted a child, my other half would go ahead with it and he would fall in love with child.

his reservations are, I have one parent that I have to care for as she has mental and physical health problems, he has two parents, one who works full time and the other who isn’t overly maternal, plus he also has a sister. In his eyes we lack support massively, which I do agree with.

my reservations are, my own parents were very cold and distant, I wasn’t shown love as a child and as a result, I can also be cold and distant. I’m not always like that, I’m usually quite loving towards my partner, but I have my moments and I don’t think I’d cope with the lack of personal space that comes with a child and also think I would struggle to show love towards them. I have seen this with my half sister, she was very cold and distant to my nephew and we had a similar upbringing.

my other issue is, I have ASD, I don’t think I’d cope if I had a child that did too, plus I lack patience and I get frustrated very quickly, not very good qualities for a parent.

Newborn to 20 months I could probably manage, but after that I’d just find it a huge challenge I feel.

 

[openbook1]

What's very personal to one person is small talk to another though. Lots of people ask are you married? do you have kids? or have you a partner? etc as just everyday conversation. Everyone's boundaries and what they are prepared to discuss are different.

I think it is the wording... The word "when" is inappropriate in my opinion because you are assuming they want or can even have kids. It is one thing, if someone doesn't know you and they ask if you have kids.

 

[tskiry56]

I'm sure there was a similar post to this a few months ago
I'm 32 and have a 6 year old son. I dont regret having him I regret the circumstances. I was with my ex for approx 6 months. We ended up living between 2 houses for a year. Then I bought a house with the help of my parents. I worked fulltime from when my son was 5 months old.
For nearly 3 years I hid emotional/physical abuse and coercive behaviour. I found the courage to admit the truth when my 3 year old witnessed the final act of violence I couldn't hide it anymore.
Stupidly he was the reason I stayed with my ex but he was also the reason I left.
I don't remember much of my sons first few years because of the abuse.
The one thing I find hard is my son having contact with his dad and that constant tie to a person who never had any respect for the mother of his child.
I hope to have children with my current boyfriend who treats my son like his own.

 

[openbook1]

For a long time, I was staunchly in the childfree by choice category. But in the past few months, I've opened up more to the idea of having a child, although still not 100% sure... I don't know why my mind has changed. I don't really like other people's children...i think I would be one of those people that only likes their own . I am not saying I will definitely have a kid now but I am not as closed off to it as I was before. I do like my own space and having peace and quiet, love going on vacation when we want, sleeping in etc. We will see. I am still totally opposed to people asking others if they are having kids. It is no one's business apart from those in the relationship. I just had surgery for endometriosis so even if I did want children before, it is an extremely sensitive topic. You never know what someone could be going through fertility wise and anyone that is bold enough to question a woman about wanting children or mentions the biological clock needs to be given a shake. I don't hesitate to let someone know that I don't like that question and neither does my husband. In fact, his mother brought it up last yr and he said we don't know and it is no one else's business. I was proud of him for shutting down that conversation. Lol.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I have two children and they are best things that ever happened to me. I had a bit of a wild past but one thing I always knew was I wanted to be a mum I honestly think having them turned my life round. Don't get me wrong they can be little brats at times but they are my little brats.

 

[NitrousOxide]

No kids and I'm thrilled about it, as is my partner. It's great to not have to worry about what our kids will do when climate change forces the youth of today to choose between burning, drowning and running out of food. I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of the awful future they are probably going to have. Also we like free time.