In laws and my baby

[Drea1984]

I’ve had lifelong issues with my weight. I put this down in part to there never being chocolates and sweets in the house as a child as my mum was always on a diet. When I left home and could buy my own food I just went mad.
When I had my daughter I made it so nothing was “off limits” or for a “treat”.
Sweets and chocolate was just “there”. If she wanted it she could have it. Not for a “treat”- she was a child not a dog!!
She has always been slim and prefers savoury foods even now and doesn’t eat a lot of sweets.
It was a very conscious decision I made.

 

[Eyeofthetiger]

Your baby, your rules. Just say something before your in my situation, I have a mother in law just like that. She looks after the kids once a week and all they have all day is chocolate and cake. And juice. My youngest won’t even drink water now as she wants juice which we don’t keep in this house.
I even said no advent calendars this year and she turned up yesterday with 2 each. Honestly, fuck them and their feelings and make it obvious how you feel about YOUR child.

when weaning it is important to have good and bad so the bad isn’t a desirable treat, but you do you

 

[SunshineDreamer]

I had this to from my husbands parents and his grandparents. I was very cautious about what I fed my children and they were constantly poking their noses in. They still do it now. My children don’t eat a lot of sweets and would actually prefer fruit if it was offered to them over a chocolate bar but my mother in law will push chocolate, biscuits and cake on them as a ‘treat’ as they are at grandmas whereas I don’t like seeing those things as treats. If you want it, you can have it, it just so happens mine don’t want it. I have 3 very healthy children who quite honestly eat a more wide range of foods than the other grandchildren and myself! I found it really hard when they were babies as I got the same, what happens at grandmas stays at grandmas to the point I wouldn’t leave my children there without my husband or myself (luckily they live 4 hours away so it’s it too much hard).

We also had one occasion when my son was teething - I left the room to get my daughter and they put whisky on his teether to help. Very much a generational thing my I went mad. I literally threw both children into the car and drove home.
If you feel you can, explain to them why it’s so important to you that she doesn’t have these things just yet. Maybe Say you don’t want her to have processed sugars until she’s over 1. Unfortunately it’s not an easy situation and you’ll honestly never truly know what they give her if you do leave her with them. I will say it’s gotten easier as our children get older. If we are around there I’ve told my children they are more than welcome to eat what grandma gives them but at the same time they can say no as it’s their body and their choice what they eat (although that has got my into sticky situations when it comes to sprouts!).

 

[derbyshiregirl]

Thank you all for your advice and stories. I can remember when I was pregnant and one of my mother in laws was like ‘what, you’re not drinking at all?’ And I was like ‘err no I’m pregnant?’ And acted like I was a right party pooper, so that’s the sort of thing I have to deal with. My husband is totally on my side but feels stuck in the middle which I understand.

 

[Whaaaaat]

I struggle with this one.

I’m pretty chill with my son. I don’t have a huge amount of boundaries with him that I enforce on others. I try and think if I’ve trusted these people to have him (only my Mum and MIL) then I should trust their judgement on what they do with him when I’m not there. The only things I’m strict on is don’t let him run riot and make sure if he’s naughty you stop the behaviour.

In terms of food I’m pretty chill. I sort of think the more you hide them from these foods the more they will indulge given the opportunity. Some days my son has fish, veg and fruit, other days he has McDonald’s and chocolate. It’s all about balance IMO same as me and I’ve never been an unhealthy weight.

 

[Tublet83]

I think this is a very common generational issue.

My parents and in laws were the same, they don’t mean any harm but just dont get it. If they do any childcare I would send all the food and snacks in and say they don’t need to provide any food, easier for them as well.

Once my dad gave my 1 year old a pack of chocolate buttons at about 6pm and she was hyper and bouncing off all the sofas for hours, so they learnt the hard way why we limit sugar

 

[derbyshiregirl]

Hi, just wanted some advice really with a delicate situation.
my baby girl is six months old so I’ve just started to wean her, I’m only giving really healthy stuff like vegetables at the moment which luckily she polished off. I’ve always struggled with my weight/sweet tooth so I’m extra cautious that I want my child to have good eating habits from the start.

Anyway, I have two mother in laws (one blood and one step) who keep trying to butt in and react badly if they offer for example a sugary rusk and I say no and they keep joking that if they look after her she’ll be getting naughty goodies and what happens at granny’s house stays at grannies house. It’s annoying me because I know I’m probably coming across as uptight and I don’t want to be.

The other baby grandkids get fed crap like sausage sandwiches, chocolate and all sorts of stuff but I’m just not comfortable with that and I feel stuck. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Girlinabubble]

This must be so frustrating and upsetting, especially when you are determined to do your best for your baby - perhaps if you explained why you feel so strongly about instilling healthy eating, exaggerate how you struggle and don’t want that for your child they may be more understanding. Having said that as long as your child is eating healthily for the majority of the time it won’t be a huge problem so try not to get too anxious about it. I hope to be a grandmother soon and I would absolutely respect the parents wishes in all aspects of that child’s care. Enjoy this lovely time with a new baby !

 

[Saddlesoap]

I’ve had lifelong issues with my weight. I put this down in part to there never being chocolates and sweets in the house as a child as my mum was always on a diet. When I left home and could buy my own food I just went mad.
When I had my daughter I made it so nothing was “off limits” or for a “treat”.
Sweets and chocolate was just “there”. If she wanted it she could have it. Not for a “treat”- she was a child not a dog!!
She has always been slim and prefers savoury foods even now and doesn’t eat a lot of sweets.
It was a very conscious decision I made.

Agreed. My mum raised my siblings and I like this. Was always sweets, chocolate and biscuits in the house. It wasn't off limits and we rationed ourselves. Even now, I can take or leave chocolate. I still have half an Easter egg sat in the cupboard. My colleagues are baffled that I might eat half and chocolate bar and put the rest away for 'later'.

 

[Eyeofthetiger]

They are setting the stage to make themselves the "fun" family members and you the "mean" one, while setting your baby up to have an unhealthy relationship with food, associating junk with fun, freedom and love.

You need to be firm with this. You are the parent. Your in laws have no right to subvert you or disrespect you, or set you up for your child to see you in a negative light.

If I were you I would say that the jokes stop now, and baby won't be staying with granny or step granny at all until they can be trusted to respect your wishes.

Hopefully your partner will get on board, how easy this will be will hinge on him.

Exactly this, my MIL is always asking for sleepovers but I know the kids will be rammed full of chocolate and cake then left up til whatever time they want and I’ll have a nightmare getting them back into routine for the next week. They have stayed twice.
Now if I need someone to have them overnight it’s my mum who follows my rules and bedtimes and food ‘schedule’

 

[Narc ahoy]

They are setting the stage to make themselves the "fun" family members and you the "mean" one, while setting your baby up to have an unhealthy relationship with food, associating junk with fun, freedom and love.

You need to be firm with this. You are the parent. Your in laws have no right to subvert you or disrespect you, or set you up for your child to see you in a negative light.

If I were you I would say that the jokes stop now, and baby won't be staying with granny or step granny at all until they can be trusted to respect your wishes.

Hopefully your partner will get on board, how easy this will be will hinge on him.

 

[Sparks]

My MIL did something similar. My son had really bad eczema when he was a baby and our pediatrician told us to only bath him once a week and only in water. Not to let him sit in soapy water. We could at the end of his bath clean him with soap but then right away take him out.
Every time she would watch him she would give him a bath and wash his clothes. It drove me up the wall. First of all, he wasn't supposed to be bathed that much and second, I am perfectly capable of washing his clothes. Especially since I used a different detergent for his clothes that didn't irritate his skin. We would tell her not to and she would just say, but he loves taking a bath. I finally told my husband he needed to put his foot down. So he had a talk with her and told her if she did it again we would not let her watch him again. She finally stopped.

I would make your other half tell them because it is his family. And tell them if they don't respect his wishes they will not be able to watch the baby.

 

[lemonlime]

Don't feel guilty and imo you're doing the right thing. Keeping a healthier diet is much easier when it's what you're used to anyway. She might get treats and sweets occasionally when she's older but I agree with you that granny's house shouldn't become the land of gastronomical bacchanalia. In doing so, they risk portraying you as the restrictive parents who won't let her child eat what she wants. (For which you shouldn't apologize, if I ate everything I wanted as a child, I'd have a sugar addiction and no teeth by now.) Try to have a conversation with them when the food isn't the main subject. Meet for a cup of tea, have a chat on the phone, try not to ve confrontational or defensive but really explain why you do the things you do and why it's so important to you. Hopefully it will go well.

 

[Chandler Bing]

I don't have kids (and watching my MIL I am happy I don't!), but my husbands siblings do. MIL will tell me all about what naughty things 'stay at nannies' and with a shitty smirk on her face she will gleefully say how much DILs would hate it if they knew about the amount of shit she pumps the kids full of. I don't have a relationship with most of my SILs (I'm not good enough for them cos I don't have kids) but some days I wish I could say something. Apparently it's MILs right as a grandparent to do what she pleases and ignore the parents! That just makes me feel sick.

Please stick to your guns, you know what's best for your baby and get your partner to speak to them if it gets worse. They won't listen to you but hopefully will him.

 

[Hereforthegigs]

I tried being firm but it gets done behind my back which fucks me off even more!!! X

 

[judgejohndeed]

It doesn’t really matter if anyone thinks you’re uptight or not - it’s your baby and what you say goes. If not they don’t get to look after the baby alone.

I do really agree with everyone who has said having ‘treats’ off limit messes up your food though, I struggled with an eating disorder for a long time (binge/purge) and it was obviously linked to the way we weren’t ‘allowed’ things so I could only have them at other people’s houses.

 

[KerChing]

I had this with my in laws. We only saw them once a fortnight or less but they’d always try and give them loads of chocolate etc, even when very little. I’d mostly take it home and eat it My mum couldn’t be bothered to cut up grapes which terrified me. I just cut them up while she tutted.

 

[openbook1]

I tried being firm but it gets done behind my back which fucks me off even more!!! X

She should not see your baby alone then if she is not going to respect your boundaries. We've had problems with my MIL and boundaries (we do not have kids yet) and we would not put up with this shit. In fact my husband didn't speak to her for over a year. Your MIL is showing a disregard for your parenting. If she asks to see baby alone bring up the boundaries if she shows no sign of following them you say: "okay but you can not have him alone as you are not following xyz." Start now when they're young as otherwise she will keep being a nightmare. Don't let her gas light or manipulate you. Check out JustNoMIL on reddit. They offer good advice too.

 

[Justreading]

So I do quite agree with your baby, your rules! If you do feel strongly then you're absolutely within your rights to tell them no firmly!

But what I will say is, with my first I was very much like this, very strict on food choices, also not OP but another commenter mentioned strict routine/schedule etc. He is the fussiest child to feed, wont eat veg, would live on bread and chips if he could, he refuses most foods and trying something new is a battle. If he sees sweets he will cram them in before anyone gets a chance.

With my youngest, I was very relaxed! A 5 year gap meant I was completely different as a person in that time, nothing was banned, we followed BLW, no routine regarding meals etc, just fitted in around our lives, his main and pudding were served together 80% of the time. He will now eat anything! He would take a spag bol or chilli or omelette etc over chips, he will eat half the sweets of his brother and walk away. Will give anything a go!

Same regarding the routine, while I do like my evenings without children. My first was 7pm bedtime like clockwork, I'd meltdown if it was later. Hes now the one walking around until 10pm having 300 wees! My youngest again had to fit in, sometimes an activity for my eldest meant bedtime was 8-8:30pm. He sleeps like a dream! Don't sweat the small stuff

 

[Scvee13]

I don't have any advice. I have been there not only with inlaws but my own parents too. I had no choice but to rely on them for childcare and that made it difficult to raise my daughter how I wanted. I chose not to have anymore children as didn't want to go through it again.