Husband doesn't act like he lives in a family home and I'm beginning to resent it.

[Kim Mild]

I feel like my husband's life wouldn't change if me and the kids weren't there. Like yesterday, he got up and played on his xbox and my toddler was asking for the TV on . Then he was upstairs with music on. It's me who has to get kids ready unless I tell him to.

I don't think he treats the house as a family home ( he lived there on his own before I moved in). He has things that should be 'away' out in the living room and I'm always getting them off the kids and putting them away ( like game/ records etc). He'll buy beer or junk food and it will be in the fridge taking up room for our food for meals .

I feel like he behaves selfishly. Like he wants to get a high performance car that we won't all fit in and I have to drive a people carrier I hate (half empty cos my oldest is at school and he is at work) and I'm stuck with it on the off chance we all need to fit in together .

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I think I was a bit lenient with him because my oldest and I moved in with him and he earns more than me but I can't imagine spending the rest of my kid's childhood like this.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Sorry that you have to put up that, you really shouldn’t have to.

My partner and I have no children and we bought our house together, but I’d soon be having words with him if he didn’t do his fair share. Thankfully he’s always been great, cooking, cleaning, washing and making sure things are done that need to be. We are a team, I’m not a house elf.

sadly I don’t know if it’s something you can ever change if your partner is just naturally selfish, which it sounds like yours is. It doesn’t sound to me like your partner is just exhausted and forgetting to help, it just sounds like he’s a generally selfish person as it is. That’s something he needs to change, he needs to want to get involved with his children and with the running of his house.

I can say though, that if I was in a similar situation, where I had moved in with my partner and he wasn’t helping. I would have been having words straight away, I would say to him if you don’t do the fair share of washing and cooking, then I’ll cook and wash my own clothes until you start making an effort.

 

[Tui]

It sounds like he is treating it like a house share and you his housemate. Does he do anything to help? My husband and I don’t have kids yet (baby on the way) but we make a pretty good team. We plan our meals together, he does the shopping since COVID as I’m not able to drive at the moment but before that I did it on my day off. I do the bulk of the cleaning and tidying up/washing up but he does the bulk of the cooking. I think it helps we are both a bit Type A and husband liked to have a say in how house is run.

 

[champagnemami99]

I feel like my husband's life wouldn't change if me and the kids weren't there. Like yesterday, he got up and played on his xbox and my toddler was asking for the TV on . Then he was upstairs with music on. It's me who has to get kids ready unless I tell him to.

I don't think he treats the house as a family home ( he lived there on his own before I moved in). He has things that should be 'away' out in the living room and I'm always getting them off the kids and putting them away ( like game/ records etc). He'll buy beer or junk food and it will be in the fridge taking up room for our food for meals .

I feel like he behaves selfishly. Like he wants to get a high performance car that we won't all fit in and I have to drive a people carrier I hate (half empty cos my oldest is at school and he is at work) and I'm stuck with it on the off chance we all need to fit in together .

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I think I was a bit lenient with him because my oldest and I moved in with him and he earns more than me but I can't imagine spending the rest of my kid's childhood like this.

You definitley need to confront him about your issues with him and how serious you are. Your partner/ husband should ADD to your life not TAKE.
You are meant to be a team, 50/50 overall.
Yes, none of us are perfect. Does he make up for it in other important family departments?

 

[HockyRorror]

I wonder if this is a symptom of moving in with him and the fact that he earns more means that you are both treating it like it’s his house and you are staying there, especially as how you described being lenient with him and whether you’re being unreasonable or not (you’re not). I also don’t think that you cooking your own meals and washing your own clothes will help because this seems like deeper roots than just simply washing and cleaning. From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like he’s there.

Realistically, if you sat down and had a proper talk about it and laid it on the line that things had to change, but they didn’t, would you be prepared to walk away from this marriage or would you continue the way things are?

Out of interest how long have you been married for?

 

[ThePowderMonkey]

I feel like my husband's life wouldn't change if me and the kids weren't there. Like yesterday, he got up and played on his xbox and my toddler was asking for the TV on . Then he was upstairs with music on. It's me who has to get kids ready unless I tell him to.

I don't think he treats the house as a family home ( he lived there on his own before I moved in). He has things that should be 'away' out in the living room and I'm always getting them off the kids and putting them away ( like game/ records etc). He'll buy beer or junk food and it will be in the fridge taking up room for our food for meals .

I feel like he behaves selfishly. Like he wants to get a high performance car that we won't all fit in and I have to drive a people carrier I hate (half empty cos my oldest is at school and he is at work) and I'm stuck with it on the off chance we all need to fit in together .

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable. I think I was a bit lenient with him because my oldest and I moved in with him and he earns more than me but I can't imagine spending the rest of my kid's childhood like this.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I am sick of men getting away with stuff like this and women even questioning whether it’s reasonable to complain. He sounds like a child. You must be so exhausted and I really feel for you.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I wonder if this is a symptom of moving in with him and the fact that he earns more means that you are both treating it like it’s his house and you are staying there, especially as how you described being lenient with him and whether you’re being unreasonable or not (you’re not). I also don’t think that you cooking your own meals and washing your own clothes will help because this seems like deeper roots than just simply washing and cleaning. From what you’ve described it doesn’t sound like he’s there.

Realistically, if you sat down and had a proper talk about it and laid it on the line that things had to change, but they didn’t, would you be prepared to walk away from this marriage or would you continue the way things are?

Out of interest how long have you been married for?

This is why I said I would have done it straight from the beginning, not washing his clothes and cooking his meals. Because that way she could have seen if he was willing to change, but sadly it’s gone on that long I doubt he will as he just sounds selfish.
He doesn’t even sound interested in his child/children, things are definitely not right.

 

[Raininvain]

Sadly there's a lot of very lazy and selfish men about.
You just need to tell him what he needs to be doing, and that its not fair to be carrying on like this when hes a married man. Hes not a student in a house share.
If he doesn't step up, I'd be off otherwise you will end up hating him.I'd be telling him as well its no longer the 1950s where women do everything and that nowadays men have to do a least half.

 

[Kim Mild]

We've been married 4 years , lived together for 6 @HockyRorror .

I think cos me and my child moved into his house I've let him get away with things because I felt like a bit strange about it. I'd always tried to not make him look after my oldest too much cos he he's not their dad if you know what I mean. We were planning to sell this house and buy 'our' house but it never happened ( not through lack of trying).

He does DIY and stuff .
I try to get him to do specific tasks for our 2 little ones so I don't feel like I'm nagging in general.

 

[Kim Mild]

Someone on another thread was saying how fed up they are with being in the house on furlough and I think that is part of my problem. I'm still on maternity and I'm in the house a lot and every day is the same . I'm sure I'm finding things worse with the situation

 

[HockyRorror]

Someone on another thread was saying how fed up they are with being in the house on furlough and I think that is part of my problem. I'm still on maternity and I'm in the house a lot and every day is the same . I'm sure I'm finding things worse with the situation

I was going to ask, after seeing your response, has this been the way since you got together? Since you got married? Since you had children with him? The furlough and working from home situation is different for us all, but before this, when he wasn’t working (I’m just assuming working from home isn’t normal, but if it is this none of this applies) was he like this in his free time?

 

[BettyCrocker]

We've been married 4 years , lived together for 6 @HockyRorror .

I think cos me and my child moved into his house I've let him get away with things because I felt like a bit strange about it. I'd always tried to not make him look after my oldest too much cos he he's not their dad if you know what I mean. We were planning to sell this house and buy 'our' house but it never happened ( not through lack of trying).

He does DIY and stuff .
I try to get him to do specific tasks for our 2 little ones so I don't feel like I'm nagging in general.

your relationship and whole family dynamics sound so very unbalanced. I appreciate that he is not the biological father to your eldest child but he IS your son’s step father, he is one of the main care givers for your son. He has a responsibility to your son. You shouldnt have to feel that asking him to parent any of his children (biological or otherwise) is nagging him. That’s honestly outrageous. He is a father and a husband and the two of you are supposed to be a team, taking the responsibility of the family 50/50. Him sitting there on the Xbox when he’s got children to look after is nothing short of ridiculous. He sounds like a man child.

forget this notion that this is “his” house and that you have to live “his”way - no. This is YOUR HOME. It is the family home. It stopped being his house the day he asked you to live with him.

I think you need to sit down with him and have it out with him. If he’s not prepared to make changes then you have your answer.

 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

 

[ChuckaBuckaBingBong]

Maybe I'm in the minority but I'm confused as to why you had children with him. I wouldn't expect children to change someone drastically. If he couldn't prioritise things that are important to you before kids I don't see why he would after having kids. It seems like maybe you aren't compatible in terms of lifestyle choices. I hope you can find an answer x

 

[Clickbait]

I feel like my husband's life wouldn't change if me and the kids weren't there. Like yesterday, he got up and played on his xbox and my toddler was asking for the TV on.

I don't think he treats the house as a family home (he lived there on his own before I moved in). He'll buy beer or junk food and it will be in the fridge taking up room for our food for meals.

I feel like he behaves selfishly.

I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

Interesting terminology of ownership - his xbox and your toddler. I think you mentioned he is step-dad to your eldest child but I presume the toddler is your child together. I wonder if you’re more (subconsciously) possessive and attentive towards the children and either he takes a step back because of that or he takes advantage of it to carry on pleasing himself when he comes home or has time off.

It is not unreasonable to want support with housework. And the junk food/beer thing screams single guy behaviour. Is there a big age difference between you?

Maybe I'm in the minority but I'm confused as to why you had children with him. I wouldn't expect children to change someone drastically. If he couldn't prioritise things that are important to you before kids I don't see why he would after having kids.

I’d be interested to know whether his behaviour has changed or it’s been a constant. Either way, I think you need to have a chat about making some changes so you feel less of a slave and more of an equal partner. Good luck

 

[Scvee13]

I had a 7 year old daughter when I met my now husband. We moved after living together for just over a year as he moved in with us and didn't feel like it was his home as we'd lived there for 5 years on our own. We don't have any kids of our own but he's always done everything I do for my daughter. To us money isn't a factor, previously I made more money and now he makes more but it doesn't change anything, we are a team. My ex was like this he'd come home from work put his PlayStation on, wouldn't care what type of day I'd had, watch his daughter for 30mins so I could have a bath etc. We weren't a partnership and looking back it was always that way I just didn't see it till I had a child to put first

 

[Kim Mild]

I think sometimes I try to do it all myself so it's done properly, but I don't mean everything.

I think his behaviour is more apparent now we have the little ones. My oldest was 9 when we moved , so they were more independent and did their own thing a bit more.

@Clickbait that's a typing error. Toddler and baby are husband's. We are similar ages , both mid 30s although I'm a couple of years older.