How to help diabetic friend

[Youre a wizard Harry]

My friend has recently been diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes and is struggling to come to terms with it.
I really want to help her, and so far I think I have been supportive, but I’m starting to feel like I’m either saying the same things to her or I’m being patronising/ dismissing her fears.
I know a little bit about diabetes as my mum is diabetic, but she was diagnosed in her early fifties and she wasnt feeling well for a while before- although there have been times when she’s struggled with telling people she needs to eat, looking back she accepted it pretty quickly and almost took it in her stride. My friend on the other hand is late 20s and it’s come out of the blue so I don’t want to make too many comparisons. She has also suffered with anxiety for a long time.

If anyone has any suggestions on how I can help her/ say to her (or things to avoid saying to her), it would be appreciated.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Does your mum have type 2 diabetes? If so it would explain the different reactions. Both are serious and have big life changes, but type 1 can be very tough. It will affect most things that she does now, constantly having to check her blood sugars, counting her carbs so that she can inject her insulin, making sure her levels are correct for when she goes to sleep, checking key tones.
Type 1 can be a death sentence if it’s not handled correctly and it’s understandable your friend would be really struggling, I would too.

Important things to note are, don’t do toxic positivity, so don’t say things like, “everything will be okay” or “I know other people with diabetes and they manage okay” ect ect, I always find it isn’t helpful and it doesn’t make the person feel any better.

also don’t try and encourage her to feel a certain way, so don’t say things like, “it could be worse” or “it’s not that bad”
and just try to be empathetic, all she will want is a shoulder to cry/moan on, just listen, that’s all people want when they are down, just someone to vent their feelings too. Nothing you can say or do will really change her feelings, she will need to accept it in her time. Just be there, send a card or a long text explaining you’ll be there or maybe some flowers, just show her she has a friend in dark times.

oh and I think you sound like a good friend for asking advice on how to help, I’m sure she’s lucky to have such a good friend.

 

[Youre a wizard Harry]

Does your mum have type 2 diabetes? If so it would explain the different reactions. Both are serious and have big life changes, but type 1 can be very tough. It will affect most things that she does now, constantly having to check her blood sugars, counting her carbs so that she can inject her insulin, making sure her levels are correct for when she goes to sleep, checking key tones.
Type 1 can be a death sentence if it’s not handled correctly and it’s understandable your friend would be really struggling, I would too.

Important things to note are, don’t do toxic positivity, so don’t say things like, “everything will be okay” or “I know other people with diabetes and they manage okay” ect ect, I always find it isn’t helpful and it doesn’t make the person feel any better.

also don’t try and encourage her to feel a certain way, so don’t say things like, “it could be worse” or “it’s not that bad”
and just try to be empathetic, all she will want is a shoulder to cry/moan on, just listen, that’s all people want when they are down, just someone to vent their feelings too. Nothing you can say or do will really change her feelings, she will need to accept it in her time. Just be there, send a card or a long text explaining you’ll be there or maybe some flowers, just show her she has a friend in dark times.

oh and I think you sound like a good friend for asking advice on how to help, I’m sure she’s lucky to have such a good friend.

My mum is type 1 diabetic (which for her age at diagnosis was unusual).
You have hit the nail on the head with what you have said about toxic positivity- those are exactly the things I have avoided saying so I am glad you’ve said not to say those things too, I have also avoided saying it could be worse... I think I’m just worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting her.
I think I will send her a card, she works in a hospital and nobody is at home during the day so sending flowers might not be practical. I could buy her some next time I see her
Thank you for your reply!

 

[120clemon]

A lot of considerations but one thing to consider is that while knowing about your mom's diabetes give you some reference points to understand what your friend is going through, there is so much heterogeneity in diabetes 1, 2, 1.5 whatever so I would be cautious for excessively sharing aspects of your mom's experience, e.g. "well, my mom..." because sometimes patients feel that they aren't right kind of patient or that things are going really badly if their experience differs. So asking if she wants to know about your family's/your mom's experiences can avoid that situation. Even just telling her upfront that you are thinking of her and would like to do what you can to offer her support and what she might like. Support groups are great even just for knowing many other people are going through the same experience.

II think fundamentally the age also makes a big difference. If your friend is diagnosed in her 20s, she might be thinking about pregnancy, travel or how complications can show up 15-20 years down the line when she'd still be in the prime of her life. Or if she had been diagnosed after ketoacidosis, that's a kind of medical emergency and going through that is tough. I can imagine how someone with anxiety might be thinking through all the thousands of scenarios. Diabetes is a chronic disease, she doesn't have to figure it all out at once. Ask her--what is hardest for her and if she just wants to work on accepting the diagnosis vs. reaching out to other resources and hopefully become empowered with what she can do to manage the diabetes. I think for a young person who otherwise would feel invincible such a potentially life altering diagnosis is really jarring. It will take time. She might be mourning the loss of her previous "healthy identity."

 

[Youre a wizard Harry]

A lot of considerations but one thing to consider is that while knowing about your mom's diabetes give you some reference points to understand what your friend is going through, there is so much heterogeneity in diabetes 1, 2, 1.5 whatever so I would be cautious for excessively sharing aspects of your mom's experience, e.g. "well, my mom..." because sometimes patients feel that they aren't right kind of patient or that things are going really badly if their experience differs. So asking if she wants to know about your family's/your mom's experiences can avoid that situation. Even just telling her upfront that you are thinking of her and would like to do what you can to offer her support and what she might like. Support groups are great even just for knowing many other people are going through the same experience.

II think fundamentally the age also makes a big difference. If your friend is diagnosed in her 20s, she might be thinking about pregnancy, travel or how complications can show up 15-20 years down the line when she'd still be in the prime of her life. Or if she had been diagnosed after ketoacidosis, that's a kind of medical emergency and going through that is tough. I can imagine how someone with anxiety might be thinking through all the thousands of scenarios. Diabetes is a chronic disease, she doesn't have to figure it all out at once. Ask her--what is hardest for her and if she just wants to work on accepting the diagnosis vs. reaching out to other resources and hopefully become empowered with what she can do to manage the diabetes. I think for a young person who otherwise would feel invincible such a potentially life altering diagnosis is really jarring. It will take time. She might be mourning the loss of her previous "healthy identity."

Thank you for your reply. I should have been clearer in my original post that the reason I mentioned my mum being diabetic is that I have a bit of knowledge about what diabetes is as a condition (ie difference between types, what hypos are, symptoms/complications and treatments)- not that I want to compare what my friend is going through to my mums experience. (if that makes sense) as I appreciate everyone is different.
I hadn’t thought about the mourning of her previous healthy identity but thinking about what she has said, it may be that she is feeling that way. I check in on her and tell her that I’m there for her and will support her, it’s difficult at the moment not being able to see her in person with Covid.
Thanks again!

 

[120clemon]

I get what you're saying about not trying to compare, I just threw in some general thoughts as you said, everyone can be quite different. You seem like a very caring and thoughtful person and anyone would feel really lucky to have you as a friend!