How to deal with being left out?

[orla1989]

I’m really struggling being around my family and one sibling in particular constantly makes me feel left out. She is the one that has her entire life together so everyone is in awe of her. When she blanks me...and makes more of my other siblings...It’s so obvious it upsets me, and the rest of my family are around watching me.What should I do to not feel such pain when it happens to me?

Note - I have asked her several times have I done anything to upset her and she denies anything. Also I know I haven’t

Thanks

 

[Libbylulu]

Has anyone else in your family noticed her behavior towards you and the fact she’s deliberately leaving you out?

 

[Nebbymoo]

My husband started to be excluded by his sister when we got together years ago. Then his entire family did the same to keep her happy. she still to this day acts like theres no issue when clearly there is. Instead of being a part of that he walked away and weve not had anything to do with them since. Now things are changing almost 10 years later but we arnt interested and just dont want to know. Some people just arnt worth bothering with and his family are just that.
Dont let her grind you down. Just let her play her own game by herself.

 

[Cheapseats]

I had a sister in law like that married to my brother. Best to avoid these types of people as you do end up questioning your own worth.

Just know it's not you...it's her.

 

[TheScarletgirl]

I tend to avoid certain events to avoid this . My boyfriends family always leave me out so i just avoid any gatherings I can .I would rather spend my time with people who would like to spend time with me. I personally think it just rude .

 

[Sailorontheseasea]

I have sister in laws exactly like this and my partner is the only boy of 5, it is extremely hurtful and we have kids involved too but quite frankly we’re so close to just telling them to piss off completely. It’s the eldest one who is the ring leader and even his mum follows suit because it’s what she wants. Some people are just utterly vile through and through and you don’t deserve to be treated like that at all. Hope you can find some comfort in this thread OP xx

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I think it’s probably a fake illusion that she has her life together and she could be jealous of you in some way. She could have a good job, house and flash car for example but under the surface be very unhappy.

I’d have nothing to do with them in all honesty.

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

I think if you read about narcissistic behaviour and narcissism in siblings you may find your answer. Is your sibling the ‘golden child’? By making you look and feel bad, it probably makes them look and feel better. If they are a narcissist, you’ll never ‘win unfortunately. Best you can do is ignore and give them as little attention as possible.

 

[orla1989]

Wow thanks for all the replies

I have sister in laws exactly like this and my partner is the only boy of 5, it is extremely hurtful and we have kids involved too but quite frankly we’re so close to just telling them to piss off completely. It’s the eldest one who is the ring leader and even his mum follows suit because it’s what she wants. Some people are just utterly vile through and through and you don’t deserve to be treated like that at all. Hope you can find some comfort in this thread OP xx

Tbh I have found it comforting, I have a tendency of trying a lot to make her “ like me or talk to me” but it goes the complete other way. It’s just such a horrendous feeling, feeling left out all the time. It breaks my heart. Also she gets so smirky when she knows she is making me feel left out. It’s so weird. I wouldn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable like that it would make me feel awful about myself. For eg she suggests to my other sisters in front of me do they want to go to lunch etc, and I’m sitting there like I’m invisible.


I have said it to her many times. We are in our late 20’s but she looks thrilled it’s upsetting me, we used to get on brill all throughout our teenager years.

I suppose I need to not try as much...

Has anyone else in your family noticed her behavior towards you and the fact she’s deliberately leaving you out?

Yes a lot of my family have noticed her behavior of leaving me out etc. she never admits it when it’s clear as day- my parents have said It to her numerous times. It’s just ugh

 

[1001 others]

You can't change crappy people's behaviour. One of my SiLs is like this which wasn't always the case - when we first met, we got along great. Then something changed one day (not sure what). I felt the chill when she didn't invite me to her hen's party, then she said she wasn't going to invite us to one of their kids' birthday parties as they were tired of eating all my "healthy crap" (for the record, I have never not taken several dishes to her house when we've been there for parties or dinner, and despite taking sufficient quantities for everyone to tuck into, I've tended to only eat what I've taken, so she hasn't had to do a thing as far as I'm concerned). She told the kid concerned that we said we were too busy to go to his party (he used to be very close to us, staying on weekends and school holidays), which really upset him.

It used to bother me but then I decided to do the same to her - ignoring her at family get-togethers and what not, which seems to get to her (good!). I used to ask her parents if I'd done anything to upset her which, based on their reactions, I could tell she'd told them something ... but they'd just brush it off and say how busy she is (busy being a busybody perhaps, but otherwise no). Her witchy behaviour has since come out on more than one occasion though ... we had a big family gathering to meet the wife of someone who'd been living overseas, and she was caught making snide remarks about this lady in the kitchen by the lady herself (who was, understandably, really upset). I do believe other people soon see these characters' true colours - it takes time in some cases, but it does become obvious.

Don't spend another moment worry about her behaviour or trying to understand why she is as she is. She's just a crappy character. And definitely do NOT play nice with her - just blank her.

PS: @orla1989 I just love your name ... I have a hen named Orla, who - and I know I'm not really meant to say this - is my favourite!

 

[orla1989]

You can't change crappy people's behaviour. One of my SiLs is like this which wasn't always the case - when we first met, we got along great. Then something changed one day (not sure what). I felt the chill when she didn't invite me to her hen's party, then she said she wasn't going to invite us to one of their kids' birthday parties as they were tired of eating all my "healthy crap" (for the record, I have never not taken several dishes to her house when we've been there for parties or dinner, and despite taking sufficient quantities for everyone to tuck into, I've tended to only eat what I've taken, so she hasn't had to do a thing as far as I'm concerned). She told the kid concerned that we said we were too busy to go to his party (he used to be very close to us, staying on weekends and school holidays), which really upset him.

It used to bother me but then I decided to do the same to her - ignoring her at family get-togethers and what not, which seems to get to her (good!). I used to ask her parents if I'd done anything to upset her which, based on their reactions, I could tell she'd told them something ... but they'd just brush it off and say how busy she is (busy being a busybody perhaps, but otherwise no). Her witchy behaviour has since come out on more than one occasion though ... we had a big family gathering to meet the wife of someone who'd been living overseas, and she was caught making snide remarks about this lady in the kitchen by the lady herself (who was, understandably, really upset). I do believe other people soon see these characters' true colours - it takes time in some cases, but it does become obvious.

Don't spend another moment worry about her behaviour or trying to understand why she is as she is. She's just a crappy character. And definitely do NOT play nice with her - just blank her.

PS: @orla1989 I just love your name ... I have a hen named Orla, who - and I know I'm not really meant to say this - is my favourite!

Thanks so much for your wonderful reply. Your situation sounds so annoying and your SIL sounds horrendous. You def are taking the right steps in dealing with her.

I suppose as a person I feel everything much stronger than other people, I’ve always noticed how much more sensitive I am compared to others

Why can people make your life hell??

Aw that’s so cute... Orla is such a nice name for a hen

 

[Sheabutter]

I would talk to a therapist who can validate your experience. It is easy to cut off pain receptors in situations like these but I don’t know if it does any good in the long run. You’re entirely right to feel hurt by her behavior. I think like everyone else said, just don’t let her see it.

 

[1001 others]

Thanks so much for your wonderful reply. Your situation sounds so annoying and your SIL sounds horrendous. You def are taking the right steps in dealing with her.

I suppose as a person I feel everything much stronger than other people, I’ve always noticed how much more sensitive I am compared to others

Why can people make your life hell??

Aw that’s so cute... Orla is such a nice name for a hen

I'm very sensitive too ... blocking people is not something that comes naturally, but for my own peace and sanity it absolutely must be done.

You can't change how people treat you, but you can change your reaction - and I think it's best just to remove yourself from the equation in the first place. Life is tough enough without having to worry about crappy people.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I have similar, I have 5 older siblings, and I'm very much the black sheep of the family!

My eldest brothers wife hates me, when I was pregnant with my daughter, she stood next to me talking to my sister in law who was also pregnant and said I will never have a neice if your baby is a boy. I refuse to let my children call her auntie.

I've just given up, if I see them at my mums or nans I will be civil but I'm not going out my way to see them any more. The lockdowns really showed them for their real colours.

 

[Alexa Grady]

Newbie here - can really relate to this thread and wanted to share my situation.

I’m the youngest of four siblings and they all dislike me. I’ve always felt bullied and left out and I found out some home truths a few years ago about how much my arrival broke the family dynamic and finances. My grandmother also saved some particular vitriol for me every time I was in her presence and even from an early age I remember being confused as to why she was so mean. It was very subtle, but she was evil.

I have always had a deep-rooted unhappiness in life and at being part of my family. The only person who ever addressed the situation and admitted the truth to me was my father just before he died. I honestly think he was the only one who ever really knew how much of a broken human I am.

I try to get on with my mum. I know she loves me, but she’s a nightmare and is totally tone dead. When discussing who I will make benefactor of my will with her, she made a very flippant comment about why I shouldn’t worry about splitting the money between my siblings because she doubts they’ll even remember me! To which I replied that in that case I am officially no longer part of the family and wish them all well and don’t want to hear from them again.

I now have to avoid my mother’s calls and texts as I don’t want to argue, but I also don’t want to talk to her at all. I am really tempted to pack up and move away and not telling them where I’ve gone. I honestly believe that they are the root cause of my depression and BPD and I have withdrawn from the world so much because of this constant fear that everyone hates me. It’s so hard to try and cope with work and life and relationships when you have felt worthless all your life.

 

[orla1989]

Newbie here - can really relate to this thread and wanted to share my situation.

I’m the youngest of four siblings and they all dislike me. I’ve always felt bullied and left out and I found out some home truths a few years ago about how much my arrival broke the family dynamic and finances. My grandmother also saved some particular vitriol for me every time I was in her presence and even from an early age I remember being confused as to why she was so mean. It was very subtle, but she was evil.

I have always had a deep-rooted unhappiness in life and at being part of my family. The only person who ever addressed the situation and admitted the truth to me was my father just before he died. I honestly think he was the only one who ever really knew how much of a broken human I am.

I try to get on with my mum. I know she loves me, but she’s a nightmare and is totally tone dead. When discussing who I will make benefactor of my will with her, she made a very flippant comment about why I shouldn’t worry about splitting the money between my siblings because she doubts they’ll even remember me! To which I replied that in that case I am officially no longer part of the family and wish them all well and don’t want to hear from them again.

I now have to avoid my mother’s calls and texts as I don’t want to argue, but I also don’t want to talk to her at all. I am really tempted to pack up and move away and not telling them where I’ve gone. I honestly believe that they are the root cause of my depression and BPD and I have withdrawn from the world so much because of this constant fear that everyone hates me. It’s so hard to try and cope with work and life and relationships when you have felt worthless all your life.

I am so sorry to hear this that all sounds horrendous. Your life sounds so interesting and I mean that in a compliment. You are so brave Virtual hug and hope you get good luck on your way

 

[NovemberEcho]

I had a sister in law like that married to my brother. Best to avoid these types of people as you do end up questioning your own worth.

Just know it's not you...it's her.

My SIL didn’t wish me a happy birthday a few days ago but did post photos on fb on the day saying what a wonderful holiday she’d had especially as my BIL and his girlfriend visited My partner told me to ignore her… I try not to let it get to me but it does!

 

[orla1989]

My SIL didn’t wish me a happy birthday a few days ago but did post photos on fb on the day saying what a wonderful holiday she’d had especially as my BIL and his girlfriend visited My partner told me to ignore her… I try not to let it get to me but it does!

I can relate to this. I hope you were still able to enjoy your birthday

 

[NovemberEcho]

I can relate to this. I hope you were still able to enjoy your birthday

Thank you