Help ex-partner getting involved in my dads funeral am I the asshole

[slippyfrog]

My dad passed away recently and we are arranging his funeral. My ex partner (separated nearly 20 years ago) we have a 23 year old daughter together, wants to pay for my dads funeral car. We wasn’t married and he wasn’t close to my dad.
I left because he was very controlling and it was the best decision I ever made all that time ago.
Hes remarried and I’m in a long term relationship so everyone’s getting on with their own lives. So by all means if he wants to support our daughter at the funeral I understand that but him getting involved in funeral arrangements & choosing the funeral car, I have a problem with that but it looks like if I say anything I’m going to seen as the bad one.
My dad would not want him choosing or paying for his car let or even at the funeral, he couldn’t stand him.

My family are happy to take his money even tho he abused me badly when we was together. Yes it was a long time ago. However told my family how it made me uncomfortable and they still happy to go along with his idea and take his money.
Am I the asshole on this ?

 

[Slaybutter]

No, you’re not and it’s definitely bound to upset you!! It does not sound like you’re given any options in this situation though, so if I were in your shoes, I would just wash my hands of helping plan the funeral. This way your ex cannot go around telling you or saying to anyone else that you took his money.

Do you have any idea why he wants to do this?

 

[HaloGirl]

My dad passed away recently and we are arranging his funeral. My ex partner (separated nearly 20 years ago) we have a 23 year old daughter together, wants to pay for my dads funeral car. We wasn’t married and he wasn’t close to my dad.
I left because he was very controlling and it was the best decision I ever made all that time ago.
Hes remarried and I’m in a long term relationship so everyone’s getting on with their own lives. So by all means if he wants to support our daughter at the funeral I understand that but him getting involved in funeral arrangements & choosing the funeral car, I have a problem with that but it looks like if I say anything I’m going to seen as the bad one.
My dad would not want him choosing or paying for his car let or even at the funeral, he couldn’t stand him.

My family are happy to take his money even tho he abused me badly when we was together. Yes it was a long time ago. However told my family how it made me uncomfortable and they still happy to go along with his idea and take his money.
Am I the asshole on this ?

I am so sorry for your loss. i don’t think you are being an asshole at all. I think it should be what your dad would want. If your Dad did not like him, and he was not close to him then your ex should not be there or contributing to his funeral. Your family need to be more considerate of your feelings.
It will be a very emotional day and you also need to think about yourself in terms of him being there.
Would he be able to take your daughter out for a meal instead that week?

 

[JulieScoobyDoo]

Sorry for your loss. I would thank him for the offer but tell him that wont be necessary. He might be your daughter's grandfather but that doesnt mean he needs to contribute financially. It's weird that he wants to do when you separated 20 years ago.

 

[slippyfrog]

No, you’re not and it’s definitely bound to upset you!! It does not sound like you’re given any options in this situation though, so if I were in your shoes, I would just wash my hands of helping plan the funeral. This way your ex cannot go around telling you or saying to anyone else that you took his money.

Do you have any idea why he wants to do this?

After 20 years of being separated I’m not sure what his reasons are other than to look like the good man and tell people he paid and arranged the car. To have some form of control in my life again or just know he can hurt me. I’m honestly don’t know, I have not seen him for a long long time or had any contact with him.
I tried bringing it up with my family how uncomfortable it would make me feel taking his money or him booking and choosing the car for my Dad & paying for the car.
All I got was no response, they just changed the subject, tried again no joy.I don’t want to push because I know everyone is upset but it seems very unfair to me that I have no say in it at all.
My dad was a great father to me and I know he wouldn’t be happy with all this.
I can’t talk to my mum because She is honestly not with at all and on sedatives.
I think I will end up taking a step back and having to leave the wake early and keep my distance.
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Sorry for your loss. I would thank him for the offer but tell him that wont be necessary. He might be your daughter's grandfather but that doesnt mean he needs to contribute financially. It's weird that he wants to do when you separated 20 years ago.

Ive said we should kindly reject his offer but I don’t get any response from the family when I mention it. They don’t need his money either. I find it odd that he wants to do also. My dad hated him so it wouldn’t be what he’d want either. I’m baffled honestly.
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I am so sorry for your loss. i don’t think you are being an asshole at all. I think it should be what your dad would want. If your Dad did not like him, and he was not close to him then your ex should not be there or contributing to his funeral. Your family need to be more considerate of your feelings.
It will be a very emotional day and you also need to think about yourself in terms of him being there.
Would he be able to take your daughter out for a meal instead that week?

My daughter is 23 so she can attend the funeral with her boyfriend and me and the family so he doesn’t need to be there at all. But it sounds like he’s coming regardless and choosing my dads funeral car and paying for it. I honestly think it’s so hurtful that no one is.considering my feelings at all.
I will just end up taking a step back, I can’t see any other option.
---
Thank you to everyone for all your kind words. Xx

 

[Slaybutter]

After 20 years of being separated I’m not sure what his reasons are other than to look like the good man and tell people he paid and arranged the car. To have some form of control in my life again or just know he can hurt me. I’m honestly don’t know, I have not seen him for a long long time or had any contact with him.
I tried bringing it up with my family how uncomfortable it would make me feel taking his money or him booking and choosing the car for my Dad & paying for the car.
All I got was no response, they just changed the subject, tried again no joy.I don’t want to push because I know everyone is upset but it seems very unfair to me that I have no say in it at all.
My dad was a great father to me and I know he wouldn’t be happy with all this.
I can’t talk to my mum because She is honestly not with at all and on sedatives.
I think I will end up taking a step back and having to leave the wake early and keep my distance.

You do what you need to do to take care of yourself As for your family, I’m sorry they don’t get it. And I’m so, so sorry for your loss.

 

[HaloGirl]

@slippyfrog Just wanted to check how you are?

 

[slippyfrog]

@slippyfrog Just wanted to check how you are?

That’s very kind of you. I’m very up & down still I’m off work until my dads funeral which is in a week’s time. Delays/backlog with funerals which hasn’t been good.
It all just happened so fast with my Dad, I’m just taking each day at a time. Really appreciate you checking in on me x

 

[Turmeric123]

That’s very kind of you. I’m very up & down still I’m off work until my dads funeral which is in a week’s time. Delays/backlog with funerals which hasn’t been good.
It all just happened so fast with my Dad, I’m just taking each day at a time. Really appreciate you checking in on me x

Sending you it's not easy especially when sudden. Take care of yourself xx

 

[HaloGirl]

@slippyfrog Go easy on yourself. It’s a massive shock when it is sudden. I hope you have managed to get things sorted for your Dad’s day. It’s hard wrapping your head around everything without additional hurt.

 

[slippyfrog]

@slippyfrog Go easy on yourself. It’s a massive shock when it is sudden. I hope you have managed to get things sorted for your Dad’s day. It’s hard wrapping your head around everything without additional hurt.

Thank you we managed to get all the arrangements sorted out and my Dads funeral was today. He was working right the way up to falling poorly. He’d been rushed to hospital with sepsis and pneumonia but after tests they found he had advanced cancer which had spread to his lungs, heart, neck, spine. So it all happened within 5,6 days very quickly and completely out the blue. My dad was a healthy 62 year old and get a new job which he was loving.
He was the life and soul of any party and so much fun to be around.

It was a really beautiful send off for him. The sun was shining for him too.

My ex did come to the funeral with his wife and his mum & they came to the wake afterwards. I did find that awkward since it’s been 20 years plus since we separated. I can understand him coming to the funeral to support my daughter but him coming to the wake as well wasn’t right.

But I managed to get through it the best I could but it did take a lot. Im off work for another 10 days and then I will decide if I’m ready to go back to work.
thank you for listening and your kind works

 

[HaloGirl]

Thank you we managed to get all the arrangements sorted out and my Dads funeral was today. He was working right the way up to falling poorly. He’d been rushed to hospital with sepsis and pneumonia but after tests they found he had advanced cancer which had spread to his lungs, heart, neck, spine. So it all happened within 5,6 days very quickly and completely out the blue. My dad was a healthy 62 year old and get a new job which he was loving.
He was the life and soul of any party and so much fun to be around.

It was a really beautiful send off for him. The sun was shining for him too.

My ex did come to the funeral with his wife and his mum & they came to the wake afterwards. I did find that awkward since it’s been 20 years plus since we separated. I can understand him coming to the funeral to support my daughter but him coming to the wake as well wasn’t right.

But I managed to get through it the best I could but it did take a lot. Im off work for another 10 days and then I will decide if I’m ready to go back to work.
thank you for listening and your kind works

So pleased your Dad’s send off was beautiful.
Wow … regarding your ex coming to the wake. I hope you were given lots of support. It is a very emotional day.
Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you have had a heartbreaking time. I am so sorry to hear about your lovely dad. That truly must have been a shock for you.
Speaking from experience, it is tough to deal with bereavement in sudden circumstances especially someone you dearly love. Try to eat and get plenty of sleep. It isn’t easy. Sending you and do post if you need to.

 

[HaloGirl]

Checkin on you @slippyfrog how r u?