Hand hold/AITA? (Relationship breakup)

[judsmum]

Hiya Fish,

I’m not very good at ‘tea & sympathy’ and I suspect you’re not really after that anyway, more of a confirmation that you’ve done the right thing.
You say you have a little girl - imagine that little girl growing into a beautiful woman and imagine that beautiful woman being subjected to the level of abuse (it is abuse) that you have been subjected to. What advice would you give her? You have absolutely done the right thing. He is a controlling bully and controlling bullies only get worse the longer you stay with them.
How fab are you for telling him to get to fuck? How much strength and courage does that take? LOADS! I’m sure things are feeling a bit bleak at the mo, that’s par for the course but things WILL work out and you’ll be happy and settled as the master of your own ship. Sail it wherever you want, it’s yours.

 

[SansaStark]

Hi Fish, I’ve just read your post and didn’t want to pass by without saying anything. I’m very sorry you’re going through this
From what you’ve said it does seem like he’s very controlling and emotionally abusive. From my experience this will not change and will only escalate. There is help available to you. Lots of services help women esp with children. Do you have someone you can stay with while you figure things out? As much as you love him, it’s not worth staying with someone who makes you feel this way. You and your childs safety is more important

 

[Be More Pacific]

You have made the right decision. 100%.

I know you say he would never physically hurt you but the most dangerous time is when a coercively controlling (or any abusive) relationship ends - which is absolutely what this is by the way - therefore I would be making steps move out as soon as possible.

Coercive control - Women’s Aid

What is coercive control? Domestic abuse isn’t always physical. Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. Coercive and controlling behaviour is at the heart of domestic...

www.womensaid.org.uk

 

[Fishnips]

Tonight I've told my partner of less than 2 years (we have a baby together) that I want to split up. I'm devastated because obviously he's the father of my kid and I do still love him massively. But his behaviour just really gets me sometimes and I think I'm really just looking for reassurance now that I'm not being dramatic and he is in fact controlling.

He's found reasons he hates most of my friends and I've stopped seeing them because he just makes me feel bad for it afterwards
He makes comments about everything I wear - if I wear a vest top he tells me I shouldn't go out in it and that everybody is looking at my boobs, if I wear skinny jeans he says they leave nothing to the imagination and he doesn't see why I have to wear them, not allowed to wear leggings or anything shorter than knee length or he goes mad. Not allowed to breastfeed baby in public. When she was 5 weeks old she had to have an ultrasound and he went mad at me for feeding in the waiting room - no skin showing plus a muslin draped over my shoulder/chest and her head but he said it was obvious I was feeding and I shouldn't want to feed in a waiting room "full" of men (there was a few men waiting with their partners as it was the pregnancy ultrasound unit). Throws a huff over any males on my social media. I wouldn't even dream of socialising with a male friend as he'd just go mad. He often "tests" me - for example he'll ask me if I know what something means and if I say yes he'll ask me what it means as if to prove to him, like he wants to catch me out or something. I've told him this upsets me. He persists. "Tells me off" for swearing in public or in front of the baby (I only really say the odd fuck, I don't swear much contrary to my posts ), but does it himself often. We went on a day out when baby was a few months old and I said that I wanted a picture of just me and baby and he went mad - told me I was horrible and he'd never dream of saying he wants a photo of just him and baby etc. I went down to a slim 10 after baby and he kept telling me I was too skinny etc (already was feeling shit about myself). Since baby of course I haven't wanted sex much but he just keeps telling me he's a very sexual person and he likes to have sex very often, despite me telling him it's quite uncomfortable and sometimes hurts.

Am I going mad or is this wrong? I feel horrible for breaking up with him because I really honestly love him but I don't feel like this is healthy and I don't want to raise my daughter around an unhealthy relationship.

Poor planning because I gave up my job (which he also didn't like me working because I worked with men) to stay home with baby and now we really have nothing. I suppose I just want some reassurance and maybe a little hand hold. I don't know where to go from here.

 

[Raininvain]

Hi,I know you said you don't want to contact them but Womens Aid will be able to advise about housing options etc.Its not just women being put into refuges etc, they give advise as well. You wont be reported to social services.
Like the others say don't be ashamed, what they do is become nasty/abusive gradually, so it creeps up on you.I had this for ages not with a partner but a friend and I couldn t get rid of them either. In the end I had to get the Police Involved as she kept screaming at me in the street after I ended the friendship. Its been worth it though because being with anyone in any capacity who is abusive is very bad news.It just drags you down.X

 

[theghosttown]

Tonight I've told my partner of less than 2 years (we have a baby together) that I want to split up. I'm devastated because obviously he's the father of my kid and I do still love him massively. But his behaviour just really gets me sometimes and I think I'm really just looking for reassurance now that I'm not being dramatic and he is in fact controlling.

He's found reasons he hates most of my friends and I've stopped seeing them because he just makes me feel bad for it afterwards
He makes comments about everything I wear - if I wear a vest top he tells me I shouldn't go out in it and that everybody is looking at my boobs, if I wear skinny jeans he says they leave nothing to the imagination and he doesn't see why I have to wear them, not allowed to wear leggings or anything shorter than knee length or he goes mad. Not allowed to breastfeed baby in public. When she was 5 weeks old she had to have an ultrasound and he went mad at me for feeding in the waiting room - no skin showing plus a muslin draped over my shoulder/chest and her head but he said it was obvious I was feeding and I shouldn't want to feed in a waiting room "full" of men (there was a few men waiting with their partners as it was the pregnancy ultrasound unit). Throws a huff over any males on my social media. I wouldn't even dream of socialising with a male friend as he'd just go mad. He often "tests" me - for example he'll ask me if I know what something means and if I say yes he'll ask me what it means as if to prove to him, like he wants to catch me out or something. I've told him this upsets me. He persists. "Tells me off" for swearing in public or in front of the baby (I only really say the odd fuck, I don't swear much contrary to my posts ), but does it himself often. We went on a day out when baby was a few months old and I said that I wanted a picture of just me and baby and he went mad - told me I was horrible and he'd never dream of saying he wants a photo of just him and baby etc. I went down to a slim 10 after baby and he kept telling me I was too skinny etc (already was feeling shit about myself). Since baby of course I haven't wanted sex much but he just keeps telling me he's a very sexual person and he likes to have sex very often, despite me telling him it's quite uncomfortable and sometimes hurts.

Am I going mad or is this wrong? I feel horrible for breaking up with him because I really honestly love him but I don't feel like this is healthy and I don't want to raise my daughter around an unhealthy relationship.

Poor planning because I gave up my job (which he also didn't like me working because I worked with men) to stay home with baby and now we really have nothing. I suppose I just want some reassurance and maybe a little hand hold. I don't know where to go from here.

Straight up abusive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. The thing with abusers is half the time you don’t even know they are abusing you. You are honestly doing the right. What’s more, you don’t what your daughter growing up with her thinking his behaviour towards you is acceptable. Once you have had time to process you will look back and recognise how toxic it is. The sort of behaviours you have spoken about become your normal and it leaves you questioning whether that’s actually just how relationships are - remember that they are definitely NOT. The problem is, these sorts of relationships take a hold on you and are terribly hard to move away from, as hard as it is stay strong and look forward. If you are struggling I would highly recommend looking into therapy. I wish I did after two abusive relationships I had, some of it still haunts me.

 

[DoctorWho]

This is outright abuse.
Can you contact a women’s refuge?

 

[Raininvain]

You need to leave him , you've done the right thing. I'd phone Womens Aid for some help and advice about moving on etc. You will meet new friends to go about with don't worry.Hopefully when all this ends you will be able to join groups etc with your baby.x Can you ask him to leave? if he starts being abusive don't hesitate phone the Police straight away.X

 

[Fishnips]

Thanks everybody. My concern with contacting women'said/refuge is that I don't feel I really need it and I don't want to take resources from somebody in a much worse situation than myself. I really do know he wouldn't lay a finger on me, and he is a caring, doting dad and I don't want social involved just because he's a rubbish partner. He's not generally the controlling type although he is grumpy, he's just incredibly insecure and that's where the control comes from. Not justifying obviously I just don't want anything to come between him and our little girl.

Hiya Fish,

I’m not very good at ‘tea & sympathy’ and I suspect you’re not really after that anyway, more of a confirmation that you’ve done the right thing.
You say you have a little girl - imagine that little girl growing into a beautiful woman and imagine that beautiful woman being subjected to the level of abuse (it is abuse) that you have been subjected to. What advice would you give her? You have absolutely done the right thing. He is a controlling bully and controlling bullies only get worse the longer you stay with them.
How fab are you for telling him to get to fuck? How much strength and courage does that take? LOADS! I’m sure things are feeling a bit bleak at the mo, that’s par for the course but things WILL work out and you’ll be happy and settled as the master of your own ship. Sail it wherever you want, it’s yours.

This is what it has come down to for me. I think about her future and I want her to grow up around healthy relationships and know what they look like. I don't think I should be with somebody if I wouldn't want her dating somebody like them.

He's saying he'll change and make things better but I know that's firstly probably not true and secondly it shouldn't have come to this for him to respect my feelings.

I grew up with parents still together so I suppose I'm just feeling really uncertain about how this will affect her in the future. I know it's better for her to have separated parents than unhappy ones, though.

Last night he told me to get my stuff and go but I made it pretty clear that won't be happening. I just don't know how to go about getting housing or anything now. I have poor credit score (previous ex partner ran up credit cards and payday loans whilst we were together in my name without my knowledge and everything defaulted for a long time as I moved and had no idea about the debts until they were passed on to collection companies etc) and no money for a deposit so not sure how I'd manage to rent, as well as having to go onto universal credit until I can get back into work and get baby into nursery ()

Thanks so much for the support everyone it really does mean a lot!

 

[Tree_]

You've made the right choice hun

 

[tskiry56]

I'll echo what the previous posters have said contact womens aid and get some support and advice.
Having come out the other side of a controlling and abusive relationship I can see the signs even though I couldn't when I was in it.
I hope you get the support and freedom you deserve.

 

[Sunflower91]

Echoing the others- what he’s been doing is emotional abuse and coercive control. You’re doing the right thing. If you don’t feel comfortable going to women’s aid I would recommend a bit of counselling- it’s hard to come to terms with this kind of behaviour and reconcile with yourself about it. Once you wake up to it, I’ve found that more and more instances come to mind.

 

[Fishnips]

I'll echo what the previous posters have said contact womens aid and get some support and advice.
Having come out the other side of a controlling and abusive relationship I can see the signs even though I couldn't when I was in it.
I hope you get the support and freedom you deserve.

I did see the signs if I'm honest. I'm ashamed of myself for letting it go this far.

Straight up abusive, manipulative and controlling behaviour. The thing with abusers is half the time you don’t even know they are abusing you. You are honestly doing the right. What’s more, you don’t what your daughter growing up with her thinking his behaviour towards you is acceptable. Once you have had time to process you will look back and recognise how toxic it is. The sort of behaviours you have spoken about become your normal and it leaves you questioning whether that’s actually just how relationships are - remember that they are definitely NOT. The problem is, these sorts of relationships take a hold on you and are terribly hard to move away from, as hard as it is stay strong and look forward. If you are struggling I would highly recommend looking into therapy. I wish I did after two abusive relationships I had, some of it still haunts me.

I think deep down I've known it's inappropriate controlling and maybe abusive behaviour, but being pregnant and now having a baby I think I fell into the "make it work for the kids" trap. He also has children from a previous relationship and I feel terrible that I'm breaking up that little unit too.

I won't be getting into another relationship for a good long while, but I do worry that I don't know what normal is anymore. I can't imagine what it's like being in a relationship without my clothes and social media and parenting being picked at.

I hope you're doing better now

 

[tskiry56]

I did see the signs if I'm honest. I'm ashamed of myself for letting it go this far.


I think deep down I've known it's inappropriate controlling and maybe abusive behaviour, but being pregnant and now having a baby I think I fell into the "make it work for the kids" trap. He also has children from a previous relationship and I feel terrible that I'm breaking up that little unit too.

I won't be getting into another relationship for a good long while, but I do worry that I don't know what normal is anymore. I can't imagine what it's like being in a relationship without my clothes and social media and parenting being picked at.

I hope you're doing better now

Dont be ashamed of yourself ... we can all feel regret and I also fell into that trap I got pregnant really early on and stayed with someone who I wasnt happy with for the sake of my son. At first it was little things but then they became big things.. I was forever hiding what was going on. My son at 3 even told my mum and still I stuck up for him.
Although it's not yet physical abuse it is emotional and mental and they are the hardest to get over. I bare them scars more than physical.
I know you wrote you dont think you should talk to womens aid but I think you should.
Tell them how you feel. I needed someone to tell me it was wrong.
You can be happy again .. I never thought I would be but i am. You just need to find the courage if you really want to leave him.
The question you really need to ask is can you see a happy future with him?

 

[DCICassieStuart]

You are absolutely 100% making the correct decision. Don't ever question yourself on it xx

 

[Fishnips]

Hi Fish, I’ve just read your post and didn’t want to pass by without saying anything. I’m very sorry you’re going through this
From what you’ve said it does seem like he’s very controlling and emotionally abusive. From my experience this will not change and will only escalate. There is help available to you. Lots of services help women esp with children. Do you have someone you can stay with while you figure things out? As much as you love him, it’s not worth staying with someone who makes you feel this way. You and your childs safety is more important

Thank you.

I don't really have anybody or anywhere. I don't have many friends and those I do have aren't in any position to help me. My narcissistic parents have shunned me following the birth of my baby girl so I'm pretty cut off from much of the family.

Just to make it clear for the thread me and baby aren't in any real danger. He's a good (albeit somewhat docile) dad and wouldn't lay a finger on me. His issues I think stem from abandonment (father) and insecurity due to cheating in previous relationships and he's also cheated on girls in the past. I know, red flags. It's probably just going to be very miserable until we are able to move.