Friendship Advice

[Littlemissnosey]

Hi all!

Just after a bit of advice on a friendship please, I want to know if I’m being over sensitive about it.
(Sorry it’s a long one!)

I’ll give you a quick overview...

I’d class her as my best friend, we’ve been friends for about 7 years.

We had our first babies at a similar time too, a couple of months apart in age.

My husband and her husband have been friends since childhood.

Our Children are now toddlers, and I’ve recently had a baby, 4 months now.

I’d like to have thought I’d always been there for my friend. Her and her husband have always had issues in their marriage (cheating, drug abuse, won’t go into deal on that) and I would be the first one round to console her, always on the end of the phone. I’ve babysat numerous times for her little girl, I’ve always been to all the events she’s hosted, always been their for her daughter, never missed a birthday etc. We’ve been to numerous baby classes together, play dates, the lot.

But since having my second child I’ve hardly heard off her.

She’s recently got back in touch with a couple of old school friends and seems to do absolutely everything with them. (One of which she hadn’t heard off for 6 years and didn’t come and meet her newborn)

I’ve suffered extremely badly with PND this time round, which she’s aware off. I’ve been having panic attacks every night for the last few months, I’m speaking to the GP about all of this and have been referred to a local team for help, so I know I’ll be getting help from the professionals.

I feel that now her daughter is a bit older, she has more ‘me’ time to come and go as she pleases. She spends a lot of her time going out drinking and socialising with her old friends (even during COVID which I think is wrong given the rules etc)

I try reaching out to her but she never seems to want to talk any more, if I ever ask to do something she’ll say, oh sorry I never think about asking you because you’re busy with the children.

Without sounding dramatic I feel like I’ve been used a bit just as a mum friend to get her through the first few years of parenthood?

Should I try anything more? Or perhaps just come to terms with the fact she’s not much of a good friend as I thought?

Well done if you’ve got this far!

thank you all xxxxxx

 

[Kim Mild]

Might she be jealous and want another baby herself. That was my first thought.
Other thought is that you are at different stages of life at the minute.

 

[Rosie878]

Did she want another child? Could it be painful for her seeing you with a new baby if she can’t have one or her relationship isn’t strong enough to cope with one?

it does sound like she’s been a bit selfish after accepting help from you for so long which makes me think there’s something more to it.

a lot of people have struggled with their relationships over lockdown. Is she having a particularly bad time with her husband?

I would be tempted to leave as it is for now but remain open to communication And maybe get in touch again when there are less restrictions and thing are less intense. Arrange to meet and have a chat sans kids so you can really find out what’s going on with her.

 

[HelloStereo]

So you have two children (one just four months) and she has a toddler?

Maybe she assumes you are busy with your baby and that's why she has started spending time with her old school friends. I wouldn't jump to think the worst of her or that she used you, but before you were both at the same point, but now you have another child.

Do you feel hurt that she has automatically assumed you would not want to go out because you have a baby? Perhaps you could just say "oh, I would really love a night out / to meet up for coffee etc, next time you are thinking of doing something I'd love it if you included me too" or something.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Why not just ask her directly what’s going on???

 

[Littlemissnosey]

Thank you all for taking the time to read and reply!

Her daughter is just over 3.5 yrs old and my sons are 3 & 4 months old.

I’d never even thought she might want another one, she’s always said she’s happy with the one, but perhaps I wasn’t taking that into account.

Things with her husband are fine now, funnily enough lockdown made them stronger which is good!

I think I just overthink things because of my anxiety, but it’s helpful to see things from the other perspective, so thank you all.

I reached out to her last week to say I was having a rough few days and if she was free to meet for a walk, she told me she had to work, but then I saw on social media she had met up with her other friends. I wouldn’t have minded, just would prefer the honesty..

 

[Raininvain]

Maybe she just feels that she has more in common with the others and that she cant be of any support to you at all. Some people really dont want to know at all if others are having any issues at all. That's even when the other person has been a great friend to them.
You could ask her but people I think don't often give straight answers when called out.
I'd leave her to it personally and if she wants to get in touch and do something then she will do. I wouldnt worry to much TBH.X

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I don't think you are necessarily being sensitive but it can be hard to tell somebody you don't want to hang out with them anymore. I think you might have to bite the bullet and ask her if she doesn't want to hang out anymore as you are feeling as if she is avoiding you. Make sure you stay calm when having this conversation and I suggest doing it in person if you can or at the very least a telephone call, no text.

You need to keep things in perspective and not take to heart if she is not that invested in the relationship anymore. There can be a million reasons why it has naturally come to an end, none of them to do with you as a person. And you know what if it is the end of the friendship it is ok to grieve for it.