Friend with benefits.

[Randy77]

There is a reason why you posted here for advice...something doesn't feel right. Follow your instincts and drop him.

You are sronger and better than you think.

 

[at-the-disco]

please just...no. this man will add no value or happiness to your life.

 

[lozzapaloozza]

Sounds like a child and is using you for sex. No adult man would act this way, if he thinks he can go through life avoiding conflict then he’s mistaken, he sounds like the source of the arguements to be honest which is ironic

 

[Lulu Goss]

I remember reading your other post, so glad you’re now out of that situation!

What I would say about this one is, don’t settle. You’ve listed a fair few red flags and things you’re not sure about there, and part of “seeing someone” is getting to know them and deciding if they’re right for you. And you’re allowed to decide they’re not!

Also, you’re definitely expecting too much. You’re previous situations don’t mean that you won’t find someone who’s perfect. I mean this in the nicest way, but why waste time with this guy if you’re not sure about him when there’ll be someone out there better for you?

 

[Scorpihoe]

This is just too many red flags to ignore...I wouldn’t even talk to him let alone get emotionally involved with him, please protect your feelings! He does not seem like a nice, respectful guy

 

[Be More Pacific]

Fucking hell, I can't believe you really need to ask.....?!?

 

[Welsh1]

Haha god 400 women.... what a load of rubbish. Where’s he shagging them? In the box room he sleeps in at his mums house?!!!!!

He mentioned something once about being involved in swinging at one point

In between taking his tik tok photos and checking how many likes he’s got

OP- get rid. He sounds awful, I’d be running a mile. Also if he’s slept with that many people I’d be conscious of his sexual health too.

I've blocked him. This site gives me so much help when it comes to men lol.

When you have been in abusive or toxic relationships previously, it can be hard to recognise a healthy relationship, or to recognise warning signs. It sounds to me like you can see those warning signs (or you wouldn't have made this post in the first place), but you don't quite have the confidence to trust yourself. I remember reading your last posts, and the emotional abuse/gaslighting that your ex used. You might find it helpful to do some research on healthy relationships/warning signs, just to give you a bit more confidence to follow your gut.
The "Freedom Project" is a good online resource which you might find helpful. It is aimed at victims of physical, but also emotional, abuse.
For what it's worth, everything you have described screams out warning signs to me. He warns you he has a bad temper, so that when you see it, he can say "I told you so", "you knew I was like this when we got together" et. His behaviour also screams warnings of steroid use. Just because they were a health risk to him doesn't mean he doesn't use them. They are addictive. Alcoholics return to alcohol repeatedly, knowing it could kill them.
I would step away from this one, quickly.

Thank you so much for your reply. I've now blocked him. After everything I've been through with my 2 exes, I think it was just nice to have some male attention but I just know there's so many bad points about this one so he's in the bin. I'm going to focus on myself and my son and if one day, I meet someone nice, fair enough, if not then that's OK to.

 

[BettyCrocker]

He was a steroid user back in the day when I first knew him however this gave him some serious health problems, clots on his lungs, sleep apnea amongst others so he now takes numerous medications so I know 100% that he doesn't use cocaine or steroids.

Dude. He’s a waster. What on Earth do you see in him? He’s in his mid 30s, lives at home with his mum, spends his time in the gym and posting lame videos of him self on tick tick, has a strop like a little bitch and ignores you for days on end.....! Come on. He’s got nothing going for him and he’s going to do nothing but mess with your head and cause you grief. He’s bad news. Walk away!!!

 

[BettyCrocker]

Hi all,
Long post here sorry but would be grateful for some advice.

I posted a few months back about being involved with a man for 12 years who was in a relationship. I ended it after coming here for advice. I'm in a much better place now after all of that but I feel like my view of men is a little bit tarnished now and don't know if I'm thinking in the right way.
A few weeks after that ended, an old friend with benefits of mine contacted me via Facebook. Ended up swapping numbers. Spoke for a while, we went on a date which was actually lovely. It was nice to spend time with a man where it wasn't about sex and just being in eachothers company. Nothing happened other than conversation and a nice time. We spoke constantly every day and then I got to a stage where I was feeling insecure and this then ended the conversation. Before that, he sent me some lovely messages, saying how he's always known he's had some sort of feelings for me and if there was ever a chance to be in a relationship with me, he would. After my little insecure moment, he refused to speak to me for a number of weeks. 2 weeks ago, he got back in touch saying he missed me, we met up again and sexual things happened, no sex though. He said he had a lovely night and was happy that he'd opened up and told me he missed me. We went 2 days or so without really speaking, his dog passed away and I know he was upset so I messaged him twice just saying I hope he's OK and he's left me on read. A bit of background about him, he's extremely intimidating to look at (very large muscly guy), he tells me he has a really bad temper but I've never seen that side of him, he's been single for years and has told me that he's slept with over 400 women (I asked). He can be very opinionated & sarcastic. He's also said that he can have really strong feelings for a girl but if there's an argument of some sort, he will completely cut them off. I asked why he does this and that in all relationships there will be an argument or indifference and that there's a possibility he could grow old alone if this is the case but in my opinion, he always likes to be right. He's also very vain, puts up videos of himself on tik tok and is so focused on how many likes he gets which I think is a bit sad. He lives with his mum and claims this is because of her illness and that he needs to be there for her which in a way is lovely, he's 33 and says he doesn't really intend on moving out. I'm seeing red flags but there's just something about him. I've made many mistakes when it comes to men, staying in an abusive relationship for to long, staying involved with a man for 12 years who was in a relationship and now this. Please give me all of the advice ladies and tell me how all of this sounds to a person on the outside. I don't know if I'm expecting to much.

He sounds like a lunatic. He also sounds like he’s probably on steroids.

just stop it now. You’ve got that gut feeling that it’s not right so just listen to it!!

 

[Truth2010]

He’s not worth it - especially in this delicate time.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

Run for the hills...

Seriously, I don’t doubt for one minute that he has a bad temper, with him doing steroids in the past, it doesn’t surprise me at all and I’d be very worried about that and what that could develop into if things ever progressed with you both...

as others have said, he also sounds like a massive loser, posting videos on tik tok and having strops like a baby because a woman dared to disagree and argue with him? He sounds VILE.

honestly he sounds like an overgrown brat who has been spoilt by mummy and is very used to getting his own way!

please walk away, in fact, run away, as quickly as possible.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I don’t have anything really to add but 400 women????! how’s he had the time?!

Haha god 400 women.... what a load of rubbish. Where’s he shagging them? In the box room he sleeps in at his mums house?!!!!!

 

[Dipstick]

When you have been in abusive or toxic relationships previously, it can be hard to recognise a healthy relationship, or to recognise warning signs. It sounds to me like you can see those warning signs (or you wouldn't have made this post in the first place), but you don't quite have the confidence to trust yourself. I remember reading your last posts, and the emotional abuse/gaslighting that your ex used. You might find it helpful to do some research on healthy relationships/warning signs, just to give you a bit more confidence to follow your gut.
The "Freedom Project" is a good online resource which you might find helpful. It is aimed at victims of physical, but also emotional, abuse.
For what it's worth, everything you have described screams out warning signs to me. He warns you he has a bad temper, so that when you see it, he can say "I told you so", "you knew I was like this when we got together" et. His behaviour also screams warnings of steroid use. Just because they were a health risk to him doesn't mean he doesn't use them. They are addictive. Alcoholics return to alcohol repeatedly, knowing it could kill them.
I would step away from this one, quickly.

 

[Readread]

Sorry but he sounds like a very typical player.

End things now before you get more emotionally connected to him. You're already seeing red flags which in itself is enough for you to walk away from it.

 

[Raininvain]

OP you're better off staying totally single until you meet someone who is decent partner material, don't be settling for these absolute losers you are taking up with. Your just going to be going nowhere with them and your self esteem will be non existent in the end. You said before you have a little boy, I'd just be concentrating on him and the Spring/Summer coming up, lockdown being lifted etc.
If this one pops up again, just fob him off or block him.

 

[Lulu Goss]

Thank you. I'm glad to be out of that situation to, I wouldn't say I'm completely over it as it was part of my life for a long time but I'm getting there. I do feel like I'm wasting my time with this guy, he just manages to suck me back in I guess. He's now essentially ghosted me for 2 days and I can't stand for that. It's not a nice thing to do but from previous experience, he'll always pop back up. I always question whether I'm doing the right thing or not and in a way, my last proper relationship taught me what I shouldn't stand for. Men seem to just know what to say to win some women round sometimes and I'm one of those women.

Men like that always do pop back up, I’ve experienced it myself! It’s so much easier said than done but I think the best thing to do is think about what you want from a relationship. Is he going to do those things? If the answers no, don’t bother with him. If his response to not agreeing with someone is to just cut them off, do you really want to be worried about that every time you might have a disagreement? That could become exhausting very quickly.

You’re not one of those women either - we’ve all been there! Some men know exactly what to say at the right time and I’m sure we’ve all ignored red flags to try and see something as more positive x

 

[judgejohndeed]

So he’s never learnt how to deal with conflict - major red flag tbh - and he doesn’t intend to move out? Seems like it’s going nowhere tbh

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

Thank you. I'm glad to be out of that situation to, I wouldn't say I'm completely over it as it was part of my life for a long time but I'm getting there. I do feel like I'm wasting my time with this guy, he just manages to suck me back in I guess. He's now essentially ghosted me for 2 days and I can't stand for that. It's not a nice thing to do but from previous experience, he'll always pop back up. I always question whether I'm doing the right thing or not and in a way, my last proper relationship taught me what I shouldn't stand for. Men seem to just know what to say to win some women round sometimes and I'm one of those women.

I remember your last thread. Glad to hear you moved on from that guy.

So this new guy is now ghosting for the second time?
Please follow other posters advice and stay away. It’ll probably keep on like this. He returns then ghosts but next it might be for 2 weeks instead of 2 days. You deserve so much more.

 

[Welsh1]

I remember reading your other post, so glad you’re now out of that situation!

What I would say about this one is, don’t settle. You’ve listed a fair few red flags and things you’re not sure about there, and part of “seeing someone” is getting to know them and deciding if they’re right for you. And you’re allowed to decide they’re not!

Also, you’re definitely expecting too much. You’re previous situations don’t mean that you won’t find someone who’s perfect. I mean this in the nicest way, but why waste time with this guy if you’re not sure about him when there’ll be someone out there better for you?

Thank you. I'm glad to be out of that situation to, I wouldn't say I'm completely over it as it was part of my life for a long time but I'm getting there. I do feel like I'm wasting my time with this guy, he just manages to suck me back in I guess. He's now essentially ghosted me for 2 days and I can't stand for that. It's not a nice thing to do but from previous experience, he'll always pop back up. I always question whether I'm doing the right thing or not and in a way, my last proper relationship taught me what I shouldn't stand for. Men seem to just know what to say to win some women round sometimes and I'm one of those women.

 

[Be More Pacific]

A lot of women cannot do FWB without developing feelings. My friend is experiencing it right now with a guy and my other friend who's a guy is seeing a girl who they agreed to be only FWB and she's falling for him and he's all freaked out. Especially when you've listed that you stayed in abusive relationships, so it shows codependency and will probably have feelings for this man when he's already said if you have any disagreements he'll be off. There's so many red flags listed there, I'd be off before you get feelings for this man and in too deep.

My personal opinion (and others may disagree), but it's too soon to be involved with someone else so soon when you only just are getting over such a long dramatic relationship. You need to heal and work on yourself and the codependency you seem to have before getting involved in men, with the genuine greatest of respect. If you really want some "company", why don't you wait until lockdown's over and have pure one night stands so that you get your fun and no strings at all attached. Trust me it won't stay as FWB, you'll get feelings for him and he'll drive you mad.

100% agree with all of this!