Friend making some awful choices- help needed

[CoffeeMamma]

Right this is a long back story but it’s important. TW- domestic violence, mental health issues, child abuse.
Friend has a number of children …4 have been adopted. 2 are currently in foster care. Reasons why the kids have been taken have largely been placed on her “mental health” despite the fact she has received no NHS help as they didn’t think it was a problem-she’s paid for private therapy. Was married to dad of kids 4-6 but they separated due to alcoholism and DV. Kids were with dad but taken when it came out he’s sexually abused them and they’ve been in foster care since 2020, friend has had 1 hour per week supervised visits since then. January this year she got a new BF, I was picking up really sketch vibes but she seemed happy enough. Last month his dad died and he blamed her, then beat her to a pulp, this month he’s in trouble with the police. She left him but they were back together 48 hours later.
if she’s telling me the truth… the social workers know nothing of this. She has a parenting assessment with a view to getting the kids back and I’m panicking that these children are going to be dropped back into the same situation. She doesn’t work, she has numerous medical problems though such as epilepsy. I don’t know if there’s a way I can submit information anonymously or something? I’m pretty sure no one else knows what’s going on so she would know it was me who said something…

 

[judgejohndeed]

You can call and speak to her local authority if you want to, but like you say, she will almost certainly realise it's you. It is pretty rare that someone who only has 1 hour supervised contact at the moment will end up getting full living arrangements at the end of child proceedings though, I imagine everything you're talking about will come out through CAFCASS reports etc.

 

[candyland_]

Call them for the kids sake - they don’t need to be dragged into any more mess.

I wouldn’t care if she knew it was me or not because I’d be happy to tell her she’s a disgrace for putting another violent man before her kids. They are more important than keeping a friendship.

 

[WilmaHun]

Wow, what an awful situation. I agree with @judgejohndeed - if she's only getting 1 hour supervised contact currently, it would be extremely unlikely she'll get the children back full time at the moment. At most I would expect her supervised contact to be raised to more than a few hours.

I think if it was me, for the sake of the children, I'd say something. Yes, she'll be upset, but it could mean you end up saving those children any more trauma.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Thank you for your comments so far. My main worry is if she knows I said something and it prevents her children coming back that the violence will be directed at me. I have my family to consider

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you for your comments so far. My main worry is if she knows I said something and it prevents her children coming back that the violence will be directed at me. I have my family to consider

If you think this is in any way a possibility then you need to speak to the police. Tell them the whole story. Tell them everything and see what they suggest. This woman sounds like an absolute train wreck but her children don’t deserve to be put through any more of this crap and you MUST speak up now. duck your friend and frankly she can duck all the way off if she puts another abusive sack of tit before her children or her friend.

 

[Sheabutter]

Thank you for your comments so far. My main worry is if she knows I said something and it prevents her children coming back that the violence will be directed at me. I have my family to consider

Do you have a husband or boyfriend that you can talk to about your concerns?

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Do you have a husband or boyfriend that you can talk to about your concerns?

My husband said I need to keep to myself, but I’m so worried about these kids I can’t !

Okay so to update everyone- I’ve been in touch with my friend who works for SS. As you lot have said it’s highly unlikely they’ll just hand the children over. “Friend” has said that hearing is set for early next month regarding adoption so I will see what comes of it. I think regardless, my conscience will not let me allow those kids to go back into that situation and if it comes to it, I will speak up. Friend who works for SS has said you can call anonymously so that’s what I’ll have to do.

 

[This.is.me]

If you don’t want to contact the local authority you can contact NSPCC anonymously and they will pass the information on -

Report child abuse

If you have any concerns about a child, trust your instincts and contact our Helpline. Our specialist team will listen, advise and take any action needed.

www.nspcc.org.uk

 

[Mysteryy]

There will be a children and families social worker involved within the case. Do you know if she is admitting having a boyfriend? Do they live together?

It's likely that Social Work will review the background of the new partner. They can be quite good at picking up sketch vibes so you can always offer anonymous information about the bf being in trouble with the police, rather than disclosing anything that would clearly identify you as the source

 

[CoffeeMamma]

There will be a children and families social worker involved within the case. Do you know if she is admitting having a boyfriend? Do they live together?

It's likely that Social Work will review the background of the new partner. They can be quite good at picking up sketch vibes so you can always offer anonymous information about the bf being in trouble with the police, rather than disclosing anything that would clearly identify you as the source

As far as I know she actually told them when she had her first parenting assessment (which she failed, and that’s when they said they would put the kids up for adoption). She moved in with him to help care for his family when they caught COVID but he literally lives across the street

 

[HandTmum]

Firstly, so sorry to hear of this awful situation. I can only imagine what everyone involved has been through and my heart goes out to them.

I think you have a moral obligation to report it for the sake Of the children, you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if something happened.

I’m sure the information would be treated in the strictest confidence, however if you are worried about your and your families safety then I would mention this and the police can advise etc.

 

[Mysteryy]

As far as I know she actually told them when she had her first parenting assessment (which she failed, and that’s when they said they would put the kids up for adoption). She moved in with him to help care for his family when they caught COVID but he literally lives across the street

I'm sure they will be reviewing the circumstances then, as that is usually one of the biggest failing points of these assessments as they are aware of the impact of additional external influences.

If you're torn, I'd anonymously report concerns that don't implicate you that other people would know e.g. concerns regarding new partner. Take care and if at any point you're concerned about the safety of yourself or your family, report it to the police and ask specifically if they have a domestic violence unit. They are more equipped to understand the behaviours associated with DV perpetrators. Take care

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Hi everyone
So I have an update. Someone else has reported her to SS and they have ordered a number of assessments to go ahead. Therefore I felt no qualms about sharing the information I also have. I felt like Judas until I got a message blaming everyone except herself… I can’t believe I ever hesitated, those kids deserve so much more.

 

[Mysteryy]

Hi everyone
So I have an update. Someone else has reported her to SS and they have ordered a number of assessments to go ahead. Therefore I felt no qualms about sharing the information I also have. I felt like Judas until I got a message blaming everyone except herself… I can’t believe I ever hesitated, those kids deserve so much more.

I'm glad that SS are aware of the situation as the kids definitely deserve better. You've done right by the kids, and at the end of it all, that's what matters. Sorry that you've had to be a part of such a crappy situation but hopefully because of you and the others, the kids are able to get the right help and support.

 

[HandTmum]

So glad you have done the right thing, well done. It’s not always easy but morally you know you have done everything you can

 

[CoffeeMamma]

I just wanted to let everyone know that the kids have been removed for adoption, and will remain in long term foster care for now. I just want to say thank you for the support, I know Tattle has a bad reputation but you lot helped when I needed you (and people in real life were desperately unhelpful). I’m sad to see another 2 in the system but I also know it’s the only way that they can heal.

 

[Mysteryy]

It's hard to say this over the Internet without it sounding patronising, but genuinely well done for doing what you had to do. The right option is most definitely not always the easiest one, but because of you, those kids may have a better opportunity of healing rather than having further trauma to add to their existing complex trauma. I dont doubt how much this would have weighed on your mind and conscience but thank you for caring about them when the people who should have didnt

 

[CoffeeMamma]

It's hard to say this over the Internet without it sounding patronising, but genuinely well done for doing what you had to do. The right option is most definitely not always the easiest one, but because of you, those kids may have a better opportunity of healing rather than having further trauma to add to their existing complex trauma. I dont doubt how much this would have weighed on your mind and conscience but thank you for caring about them when the people who should have didnt

Thank you not patronising at all, I appreciate it.