Friend in a bad way.

[mochibean]

I need some advice regarding a friend, she was someone I considered a best friend but I just can't anymore. It's draining for me and our friend group in general.
I'll add a trigger warning here, just in case anyone is effected by drugs/alcohol.

A bit of background before the issue. She's 27, still lives at home. At one point had an amazing partner and they've been broken up about 3 years, she wasn't ready to settle down and they broke up. She's had another relationship since which has since fell apart, and over the course of this new relationship and the break down of her past one she went off the rails. She isn't diagnosed with any MH issues but I highly suspect something is very wrong.

Basically.
She's been abusing drugs and alcohol for a long time now, she buys 3 bags of c and takes it alone.. in her bedroom. All she talks about is drugs when we're just chilling together. It was a thing I did when I was like 20-22 but I then grew up and got over it. I'm actually teetotal now as alcohol effects my mental health badly. She has no hobbies, goals, interests, currently on furlough and she's spent every day drinking. To the point she had a seizure!! She doesn't see it as a problem at all.

We've tried our best to help but she doesn't care. It's embarrassing for us when we have other friends around to hang out as they don't care about taking drugs and she is also bringing them around to my friends house (who has kids asleep upstairs!) It's totally unacceptable.
Kind of at the point now where I'm over it, but I do feel bad. She needs therapy, proper help, but she doesn't see it.

Me and my friend have now distanced ourselves a bit. It's a lot to deal with and all the drug talk is exhausting. I have 0 interest.
Is there anything we can do?

 

[Definitelyme]

There is a thread on here about alcoholism, which a lot of people who are loved ones of addicts are part of. Reading through some of that may help with how you are feeling yourself.

In terms of getting her help, unfortunately there isn’t much you can do if she refuses. If she is not ready to accept the help, then anyone suggesting it is going to be stonewalled, and it can often turn nasty. What do her parents think?

It’s so hard, but I know from my own experiences of an addict that sometimes for your own sake, mental health and well being, you have to distance yourself from them. If she isn’t ready to seek help, you can step back and say “ok, that’s fine, but I’m not going to be part of this any more” and distance completely, as you’ve started already.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Sorry to hear that, what a worry. There is help that you can encourage her to connect with, Narcotics Anonymous consider alcohol a drug so if she wanted to stop that would be a good starting point and there is Alcoholics Anonymous for just the drinking. But she really has to want to do it. From my own experiences with alcohol and mental health, I think she is 100% running from something or desperately needing to change how she feels - it’s a concern that she can’t sit in her room alone without taking something. But until she can acknowledge that (or whatever it is), there’s nothing much you can do to change it.

Unfortunately that also works with her Doctor etc and that doesn’t help with you feeling helpless with the situation.

I don’t have any experience of the situation you’re in but I’m a recovering alcoholic and I know from making my amends and speaking to my friends later that I was difficult to be around because I was in such a bad way that it wasn’t good for them so they had to step back. (I hated that at the time! But now I see it differently). It might be worth finding out all the contact details (AA are definitely doing zoom meetings and I’m sure NA are too) and reassuring her that you’re there for her but are struggling to deal with it.

You’re a great friend but she has to want this. I wish both of you all the best

 

[mochibean]

There is a thread on here about alcoholism, which a lot of people who are loved ones of addicts are part of. Reading through some of that may help with how you are feeling yourself.

In terms of getting her help, unfortunately there isn’t much you can do if she refuses. If she is not ready to accept the help, then anyone suggesting it is going to be stonewalled, and it can often turn nasty. What do her parents think?

It’s so hard, but I know from my own experiences of an addict that sometimes for your own sake, mental health and well being, you have to distance yourself from them. If she isn’t ready to seek help, you can step back and say “ok, that’s fine, but I’m not going to be part of this any more” and distance completely, as you’ve started already.

Thank you so much, I will definitely have a look through it!

That's the problem, she doesn't seem to think of it as an issue. She calls it 'having fun' but it doesn't look like fun to me. Her parents drink a lot themselves, but they've kind of had enough and are on the verge of kicking her out. Which tbh I think will only make things worse! The type of family they are, they seem to have a lot of issues. She had some issues with her brother (also a big drug user) when she was a child - I'm sure you can see where this is leading and I do think that plays into it a lot. When she is drunk she brings it up a lot, she never had any support through that period of her life. Her parents don't believe it happened. Denial I guess.

Yes, as much as I don't want to leave someone like this, there's really nothing I can do. I just hope she knows when she is ready to get help we are here to support her! I just worry a lot that her life is going down the drain, she's achieved nothing and that feeds into her hopelessness. I'm scared one day she'll end up dead I really am.

Thank you, I will definitely look through that thread and just keep backing off for now.

 

[BettyCrocker]

I need some advice regarding a friend, she was someone I considered a best friend but I just can't anymore. It's draining for me and our friend group in general.
I'll add a trigger warning here, just in case anyone is effected by drugs/alcohol.

A bit of background before the issue. She's 27, still lives at home. At one point had an amazing partner and they've been broken up about 3 years, she wasn't ready to settle down and they broke up. She's had another relationship since which has since fell apart, and over the course of this new relationship and the break down of her past one she went off the rails. She isn't diagnosed with any MH issues but I highly suspect something is very wrong.

Basically.
She's been abusing drugs and alcohol for a long time now, she buys 3 bags of c and takes it alone.. in her bedroom. All she talks about is drugs when we're just chilling together. It was a thing I did when I was like 20-22 but I then grew up and got over it. I'm actually teetotal now as alcohol effects my mental health badly. She has no hobbies, goals, interests, currently on furlough and she's spent every day drinking. To the point she had a seizure!! She doesn't see it as a problem at all.

We've tried our best to help but she doesn't care. It's embarrassing for us when we have other friends around to hang out as they don't care about taking drugs and she is also bringing them around to my friends house (who has kids asleep upstairs!) It's totally unacceptable.
Kind of at the point now where I'm over it, but I do feel bad. She needs therapy, proper help, but she doesn't see it.

Me and my friend have now distanced ourselves a bit. It's a lot to deal with and all the drug talk is exhausting. I have 0 interest.
Is there anything we can do?

is there anything you can do? Honestly? No. There isn’t. An addict will only start to change if and when they want to. I honestly think the only thing you can do here is protect yourself and steer clear of her, she’s making the choices she’s making and unfortunately there’s nothing anyone can do really to stop her.

what do her parents make of it all? Can you speak to them?

 

[mochibean]

Sorry to hear that, what a worry. There is help that you can encourage her to connect with, Narcotics Anonymous consider alcohol a drug so if she wanted to stop that would be a good starting point and there is Alcoholics Anonymous for just the drinking. But she really has to want to do it. From my own experiences with alcohol and mental health, I think she is 100% running from something or desperately needing to change how she feels - it’s a concern that she can’t sit in her room alone without taking something. But until she can acknowledge that (or whatever it is), there’s nothing much you can do to change it.

Unfortunately that also works with her Doctor etc and that doesn’t help with you feeling helpless with the situation.

I don’t have any experience of the situation you’re in but I’m a recovering alcoholic and I know from making my amends and speaking to my friends later that I was difficult to be around because I was in such a bad way that it wasn’t good for them so they had to step back. (I hated that at the time! But now I see it differently). It might be worth finding out all the contact details (AA are definitely doing zoom meetings and I’m sure NA are too) and reassuring her that you’re there for her but are struggling to deal with it.

You’re a great friend but she has to want this. I wish both of you all the best

Yes, it used to be a going out thing, you know go to a club take some drugs and drink and have fun. Of course that's off limits now but once you start doing it alone just to pass time it does seem to be a problem. Who needs to take a stimulant to sit in their room? I'd love to help her through this, she just doesn't want it. We've approached the situation and she is so dismissive in regards to her issues.

As I said in the post above, her family aren't the best. She had some issues with her older brother (also a drug user) when she was younger and she never had any support or help through that. Her family didn't even believe her. They're now on the verge of kicking her out. Which I only know will make her problems a million times worse!

Well done on you being in recovery, I've also used drugs in the past and got clean and it was tough but I was never at this level of addiction. I always knew it was a problem, whereas she doesn't. Or at least she won't admit it is. I appreciate your opinion on stepping back, I can see how it might be hurtful but it's difficult to be around someone when they're in this situation and I'm glad you see it much differently now! The last thing I want her to think is that we don't care, as it's very much the opposite. I'll definitely speak to her, give her some reassurance.

I'll look into some information as well, especially regarding NA/AA. For future reference if anything so when she's ready, so am I and everyone around her. She just needs professional help badly. </3

Thank you so much, and congrats on your recovery!!

is there anything you can do? Honestly? No. There isn’t. An addict will only start to change if and when they want to. I honestly think the only thing you can do here is protect yourself and steer clear of her, she’s making the choices she’s making and unfortunately there’s nothing anyone can do really to stop her.

what do her parents make of it all? Can you speak to them?

Her parents imo are part of the problem. Where they've tried to be supportive in the past they've brushed serious issues under the rug which have harmed her mentally. (sexual abuse from a family member) Now they're threatening to throw her out.

I'm in no position to be in any danger or risk of trouble, just the type of situation where it's draining for all of us involved. And of course my friend doesn't want drugs around her children that is the only danger really!

I just feel if we all ditch her entirely it'll only make the situation worse. I'm not the type of friend to just run, but I'm definitely creating a lot of distance between us until she's ready to get her tit together.

 

[Definitelyme]

Thank you so much, I will definitely have a look through it!

That's the problem, she doesn't seem to think of it as an issue. She calls it 'having fun' but it doesn't look like fun to me. Her parents drink a lot themselves, but they've kind of had enough and are on the verge of kicking her out. Which tbh I think will only make things worse! The type of family they are, they seem to have a lot of issues. She had some issues with her brother (also a big drug user) when she was a child - I'm sure you can see where this is leading and I do think that plays into it a lot. When she is drunk she brings it up a lot, she never had any support through that period of her life. Her parents don't believe it happened. Denial I guess.

Yes, as much as I don't want to leave someone like this, there's really nothing I can do. I just hope she knows when she is ready to get help we are here to support her! I just worry a lot that her life is going down the drain, she's achieved nothing and that feeds into her hopelessness. I'm scared one day she'll end up dead I really am.

Thank you, I will definitely look through that thread and just keep backing off for now.

It is so hard loving an addict. It sounds as if she has been through some really rough times, and hopefully when she is ready, she can address these through counselling and that will be a start to healing.

If she sees no problem with what she is doing, there is absolutely nothing you can do. Let her know you will be there for her whenever she is ready to ask for help, but she has to really hit rock bottom first, and want that help.

In the past we have tried ultimatums, corrosion etc to make our addict seek help. And it just doesn’t work if they don’t want it.

You sound like a great friend x

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

You cannot help an addict until they are ready to accept the help. Does she think she's got a problem? Have you talked to her about getting help?

I had a cousin with a serious drug problem and he ended up OD'ing on his nans morphine when we all thought he was sober. We distanced ourselves from him (his immediate family didn't) because dealing with an addict is very painful. He put his parents through absolute hell.

My advice would be that if you have mental health issues you should ask if she needs help and if she agrees try and find it but if she refuses you need to cut her out. I struggle with MH and know that this can be triggering.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

She lives at home, step back and leave it to her parents. Harsh but there’s enough going on atm.

 

[mochibean]

You cannot help an addict until they are ready to accept the help. Does she think she's got a problem? Have you talked to her about getting help?

I had a cousin with a serious drug problem and he ended up OD'ing on his nans morphine when we all thought he was sober. We distanced ourselves from him (his immediate family didn't) because dealing with an addict is very painful. He put his parents through absolute hell.

My advice would be that if you have mental health issues you should ask if she needs help and if she agrees try and find it but if she refuses you need to cut her out. I struggle with MH and know that this can be triggering.

She doesn't think she has a problem at all. Despite it being the ONLY thing she talks, thinks about and does.
I do find it quite triggering tbh, MH issues aren't simple and I don't want to ruin the immense progress I've made.

That sounds really difficult, thankfully she's not on any sort of opiates but still, I really don't want her to overdose or have another seizure.
She's really denying she has any issues, I'm going to take a step back but make sure that she knows when she is ready I am here!

She lives at home, step back and leave it to her parents. Harsh but there’s enough going on atm.

I wouldn't mind leaving it to her parents but quite frankly they're just not great people. Ignored her abuse, took drugs in front of her, had affairs, were just all round neglectful when she was growing up. I'm surprised she's lasted so long at their house.

They drink a LOT and don't seem to see it as an issue either. Honestly, if they weren't useless I'd feel better about it. Just feel a bit guilty but her addiction isn't MY problem.

 

[BettyCrocker]

She doesn't think she has a problem at all. Despite it being the ONLY thing she talks, thinks about and does.
I do find it quite triggering tbh, MH issues aren't simple and I don't want to ruin the immense progress I've made.

That sounds really difficult, thankfully she's not on any sort of opiates but still, I really don't want her to overdose or have another seizure.
She's really denying she has any issues, I'm going to take a step back but make sure that she knows when she is ready I am here!



I wouldn't mind leaving it to her parents but quite frankly they're just not great people. Ignored her abuse, took drugs in front of her, had affairs, were just all round neglectful when she was growing up. I'm surprised she's lasted so long at their house.

They drink a LOT and don't seem to see it as an issue either. Honestly, if they weren't useless I'd feel better about it. Just feel a bit guilty but her addiction isn't MY problem.

there really isn’t anything you can do. It’s a tragic and awful set of circumstances but ultimately she’s an adult and if she wants to waste her life snorting coke on her own in her parents house.... that’s her choice.

 

[mochibean]

there really isn’t anything you can do. It’s a tragic and awful set of circumstances but ultimately she’s an adult and if she wants to waste her life snorting coke on her own in her parents house.... that’s her choice.

You're not wrong. It's just sad tbh.