Family situation

[OatMatchaLatte]

I'll try to keep it brief!

My dad was an alcoholic and my parents separated at 9, after which we were a single parent household with sporadic contact with my dad.

My mum met her now-husband when I was 20. We forged a bond, not father like, but to the point where I could ask advice etc.

Two years ago (after around 10 years of marriage) he had an affair and left, a lot of nasty stuff passed, and it was truly awful. My mum was in bits, he was vile to everyone. My mum took out a lot of the anger on me - which I took on the chin as I understand it was a difficult time. I did feel upset though, and I feel it damaged my relationship with my mum.

He returned after five months, at which point my sister and I were unable to visit mum's house. This went on for about eight months. He then emailed my sister and I to say he'd like to meet up. We did, he said he was sorry for his behaviour, but he kept going on about how my mum was isolated, she wasn't in a good place before the affair etc. Said he wanted to build bridges with me and my sister.

After that, we didn't hear from him for a few more months. I decided I wanted nothing to do with him, as far as I was concerned his behaviour - arrogant, entitled - was unchanged and actions speak louder than words. I got an email about my engagement about five months down the line, which I ignored. And then my mum started texting my bf to say I was making life difficult for everyone - because I hadn't replied to the email. She said nothing to me.

Obviously lockdown has meant I've not seen much of my mum, but I our relationship is now strained. We basically now speak about our cats and that's it.

I brought up the situation before Christmas, and she told me that I was making life difficult for everyone by refusing to see her husband.

I explained my position - I had done everything she asked of me during their separation (she'd asked me to email him ad say stuff like I'd be fine if he came back etc) - but I don't want anything to do with him. Too much time with inaction had passed, and the rot had set in. I'm not looking for him to grovel or apologise again, I don't want anything from him.

She has told me repetedly that I'm making life "difficult for everyone" - I said that I am making a choice, as a 36 year old adult, that I don't want someone in my life.
I'm really upset about it all. I stood by her through the whole thing, took so much tit, and now she's making me into the bad guy.

At this point, I feel like I need to cut contact with her right back. I'm sick of the crappy attitude / the pressure on me to have contact with that horrible man. I've enough strained relationships in my life - my dad being one of them - without adding yet another. I'm just so upset about the whole thing, and wish she would just accept that it's never going to be the same. I've not said a single bad thing about her husband to her since he got back, I've kept schtum, it's not like I'm slagging him off left, right and centre. I hate feeling so judged by her.

 

[BettyCrocker]

What exactly is she expecting from you? You are a grown adult, I mean how much time would you ordinarily be spending with your mum and her partner? I agree with you. You are an adult and you don’t have to have someone in your life you don’t want and equally as adults themselves they need to just get over it. I guess there may be some occasions when you may have to be around him - family occasions etc but again you can keep it pleasant and brief - there shouldn’t be an expectation that you will be his best mate!

 

[OatMatchaLatte]

Thank you for your reply. It feels like she just wants the "insta family" and for things to go back to how they were, eg me going round for dinner etc. Doing things as a three - me, her, my sister - doesn't seem to be an option either. You can't have someone behave like a tit and expect everyone else to carry on as if nothing has happened.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thank you for your reply. It feels like she just wants the "insta family" and for things to go back to how they were, eg me going round for dinner etc. Doing things as a three - me, her, my sister - doesn't seem to be an option either. You can't have someone behave like a tit and expect everyone else to carry on as if nothing has happened.

exactly. Take the high road. Just put it factually like that - tell her you love her and that you want a relationship with her & your sister but that you’re not keen to have that with him because of his behaviour and that’s it. Let them decide if they want to behave like adults or act like kids. I’ll say this though - if he’s done this once to your mum, he will do it again.

 

[OatMatchaLatte]

exactly. Take the high road. Just put it factually like that - tell her you love her and that you want a relationship with her & your sister but that you’re not keen to have that with him because of his behaviour and that’s it. Let them decide if they want to behave like adults or act like kids. I’ll say this though - if he’s done this once to your mum, he will do it again.

Thank you It's so good to get an outside perspective on things.
And yes, once a cheat, always a cheat. He did it to his first wife too. Not a nice man.

 

[birdiefly246]

You're not "making life difficult". You are reacting to a situation that you did not cause. You have every right to feel the way that you do and you have every right not to want them in your life if that's what you want.

Maybe cut contact for awhile while you heal from it? You're obviously hurt and it sounds like your mum has picked his side over yours. You can't control their actions and they've made their bed, they now have to get in it but you don't have to.