Do I move on?

Welsh1 said:

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

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Honestly there is a man out there that will support you and actually treat you well whilst being just for you. You won’t let a decent man into your life until you let yourself go from the past.

Welsh1 said:

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

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You need to look at it as he was in your life for a reason, to show you things. Them things being, leaving your toxic relationship and giving you confidence.
That's it.
Just from that text you can tell he's manipulative. It is literally textbook.
Go back 6 years and it is almost like I'm reading about myself!
You need to do yourself a favour and cut ties with him.
He's feeding you bullshit simply for attention. Because he knows all this is what you want to hear

Welsh1 said:

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

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I’m sorry but as said before this is text book behaviour. He has made you emotionally reliant on him in a calculated way. Because In doing all of this he still hasn’t given you anything of himself. It’s lip service.

Please read this https://www.bustle.com/p/7-seemingly-charming-habits-that-are-actually-manipulative-8251149

Welsh1 said:

I think I've allowed myself to be treated this way because until today, I've never thought about it in the same way as someone does on the outside so I've never thought I was being treated badly especially when I compare how he is to me with how my ex was. My ex didn't support me with anything, when I ended up in hospital 5 months after giving birth, the man this post is about was there for me, I could have died. The man I was with at the time didn't support me at all. When I passed my degree, my ex didn't even say well done, the other guy sent me flowers to my work. And its not about material things for me, just having the support of him is something I've never had in any relationship. When my ex was bringing me down, he was bringing me up. He gave me the courage to leave a dangerous, toxic relationship. He makes me feel good about myself. I just need to find that in someone else I suppose.

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you need to separate the two men. Just because this guy isn’t as awful as your ex doesn’t make him a nice guy. Sending you a bunch of flowers doesn’t mean anything, I’m sorry but you have to start looking beyond it to start seeing it.

right now he’s in a relationship with his girlfriend. That’s a fact. If he genuinely didn’t love her and didn’t want to be with her he would walk away. It’s a simple as that. If he genuinely loved you he would be with you.

this has been going on for 12 years. And you could stick around being his bit oh the side for another 12 years but face the fact that he has a real life & a real relationship with his girlfriend, what you have with him is just words on a screen. He’s using you. You need to just accept it, draw a line under it, block him and move on with your own life instead of playing a minor role in his life.

Welsh1 said:

''I don’t think you’re a let down at all, I know the troubles you’re having and the reasons why you’re like this but you keep everything bottled up instead of talking about it which makes things worse and you know you can talk to me about anything. I love you so much and not seeing you on a daily basis kills me, I haven’t seen you properly in almost 8 weeks, do you not understand how hard that is for me?'' xxx

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Not about you, all about him. Emotional manipulation, reinforcing how much you need him, only him. Don’t you know how hard it is for him? Unbelievable!!!!

Be someone’s number one, not their “I can’t because....”

He has already choose. Not to have a life with you because..... why hang around when you can be someone’a no one

He hasn’t been there for you at all. Texts take seconds to type. You deserve so much better but you don’t need a guy.

I could send you a bunch of flowers right now. I could text you telling you I miss you. It’s meaningless. It’s just absolute bollocks.

Oh hun I feel for you, but he is clearly messing with your head and knows exactly what he is doing. I've been in a situation before when I was younger, I was the other girl and was completely infatuated with a guy. He had no intention of ending things with his partner and had no reason to, as I was always there when he messaged or called. Not proud of it at all and it only lasted a few months, but the point is he could see how involved I was becoming and he played on it big time.
This is what your guy is doing. If he really loved you and wanted to be with you then he would, pure and simple. He would take the risk. The fact that he hasn't in 12 years speaks volumes. I mean how do you know he isn't having a big old laugh everytime you message him, and thinking how he has you on a string.
It doesn't have to be about sex. Its the fact that he has control over you and he knows if he says jump you will say how high.
You deserve better. Move on, if its meant to be then it will be but 12 years on it surely isnt going to happen xxx

OP, you're getting loads of brilliant advice but I feel it's not really sinking in and you're determined to believe that you're star crossed lovers who are meant to be together.

To be blunt, you are a friends with benefits to him. The guy is a shit and a cheat and I'm sure like every other mistress you've convinced yourself he wouldn't cheat on you but that's not how it works. That nonsense about not being able to sleep with her because he's thinking of you turned my stomach. Can you not see he's feeding you the oldest lines in the book?

Please, for your own sake cut this guy loose and work on your self esteem and self worth.

He chose a mortage over you. That's not love.

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum, I would block him and have a fresh start.

I feel for you. I think that what happened in your previous relationship has left you in a bad place, and this guy is taking advantage of that.

Think about the wonderful guys you could be missing out on because you are closing yourself off to focus on him.

As others say, if he wanted to be with you, he would. Please tell him it is over. You are worth so much more than being someone’s bit on the side. You deserve to have someone who thinks you are the whole world.

Agree with what others have said. If he hasn’t chosen you in twelve years I’m afraid I don’t think he ever wil. Please don’t fall for his words his lies. Don’t listen go him when he says he was thinking of you whilst sleeping with his girlfriend. Do you really want someone who would cheat anyway. You’re better than this and worth so much more. Block him don’t even give him and explanation he doesn’t deserve it

I am also slightly curious, you said you did something not good and he got into a relationship.
Obviously don't answer if you don't have to but I'm curious whether this thing you did was more him blaming you and making you feel guilty?

He sounds like a classic narcissist, manipulative, charming, intelligent, lack of empathy...

Yes you might think that he’s empathetic, because he’s sending you flowers and sending you messages of support, but he doesn’t mean any of it, it’s all manipulation. He is doing these things to make himself appear charming and like he’s the good one in all of this. He’s clever, that’s why he’s doing it, he’s not doing any of it because he actually cares, it’s all a tactic.

Whatever you did years ago can’t have been that bad, I don’t think he ever had any intentions of having a proper relationship with you, he just used a mistake that made as his excuse to get out before you got committed so that he could manipulate you into being his bit on the side. He made himself into the victim so that you would feel guilt for the relationship going wrong, even though it was him that twisted it that way.

the line “don’t you know how hard it is for me” screams red flags of narcissism and manipulation. This isn’t something that most normal people say, he’s making himself into the victim so that you will feel guilty and then he will have you where he wants you. if it was that hard for him he would have left his girlfriend, simple as.

Cut all ties with him, please, you don’t deserve this. I’d also be very interested to see his reaction once he does know his grip is slipping.

What is your end goal in this? To be with him properly? If so, you've said you've never discussed him leaving his girlfriend?! I think thats very telling. If he hasn't mentioned leaving his girlfriend then how can you ever be together?

I don't think from previous replies that you will ever walk away from this situation without a resolution. So my advice would be to ask him outright what is going to happen and when. If he wants to be with you as badly as a he says he does then what is he going to do about it? When is he going to leave her?

How long can he string you along with excuses of mortgages and dogs? How long will you put up with it?

Hopefully you will get some answers xx

I agree with all the previous posters. Your self esteem is low, he is manipulating you and has you exactly where he wants you. I bet if you failed to respond to his texts and moved on you would get all the typical 'why are you being so cold you know how much I need you, I can't carry on without you'
I started off thinking he was just an arsehole but I'm starting to think he's much more sinister and cruel.

You deserve a full and happy life with a man being the icing on the cake not the 'be all and end all'.

Welsh1 said:

I have to agree with this comment. I really don't think I am ready. My head tells me its the right thing to do but my heart says, if he was using me why would he invest so much time in me. I never ever message him first, even though I know he's alone in the evenings, he's always done the chasing the whole 12 years, why would he support me and help me in so many ways if he just wanted sex which he rarely gets from me anyway. Other than the fact he's in a relationship, he has never ever done anything or said anything to hurt me, he is a constant positive in my life but I know I can't live this way forever. X

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You have a child right !? Fast forward several years and your child is in this position what would you be telling them!? Would you want them being a side piece !? No, you would tell them if they wanted you they would leave. Actions speak louder than words and he’s made his choice.
He knows you will always be there he knows you are insecure etc and he plays on that. Also think of girl code, imagine if you were the girlfriend with what she thinks is a happy life, and you find out he’s had a side piece for 12 years you would be crushed.
Honestly you know what you need to do but you don’t have the courage to do it. My heart breaks for his girlfriend.

Yayitsavaliable said:

Also think of girl code, imagine if you were the girlfriend with what she thinks is a happy life, and you find out he’s had a side piece for 12 years you would be crushed.
Honestly you know what you need to do but you don’t have the courage to do it. My heart breaks for his girlfriend.

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This. I really really cannot stand that women do this shit to each other. Knowingly being involved is fucking low. Just because you have a low self esteem, or youre bruised from past relationships - it doesnt justify or excuse doing shit like this. Be a grown up, and have morals. Definitely have more respect for yourself. No one should be sloppy seconds or a secret side piece.

And he hasn't invested so much time in you - he is spinning plates and returns to you for just long enough to keep you going.

I hope you listen but I don't think you will.