Do I move on?

The only reason I'm posting here is because it's anonymous and I am under no illusion that what I've done here is wrong but I really need advice.
I've been in a situation now for nearly 12 years. I started meeting up with a guy who was in the same friendship group as me, we started what was initially a bit of fun, slept together a few times etc then I did something not so great which rocked the boat and he ended up in a relationship with someone else. He was in this relationship for 3 years but was sleeping with me throughout. I then ended up in a relationship where we had a child together however this relationship was very toxic, manipulation, emotional and mental abuse aswell as financial abuse. I didn't cheat physically with this guy whilst in a relationship but for the duration this other guy was there for me emotionally throughout. His words and support actually gave me the courage to leave. He has always been the loveliest man, tells me im beautiful, how he will never be able to live his life happily without me, he tells me he loves me all whilst he's in a relationship with someone else. He has explained that his current relationship is more a situation of they have a mortgage together and a dog, they both have good jobs but its more like a friendship. I'm in love with this man. I know everyone says, if he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you but I honestly don't believe he would. To have been there for me for 12 years, and still here, even at times where I've completely pushed him away due to the affects my past relationship has had on me mentally, I've told him I hate him etc and he still doesn't leave, he knows that I don't mean it. He messaged me last night to say he will never be able to let me go, that whilst he knows what he's doing is wrong, im worth the risk, that I do things to him that no woman ever has and that he will love me forever. I know in my heart of hearts that we will probably never be together as he would lose a lot if his girlfriend was to find out but I have 2 options now, completely cut him off knowing how much I would hurt him or continue as we are. No man has ever made me feel as respected, supported or loved in my life and im in my mid thirties so that says something. Not to mention, the sex is incredible, I'm a larger lady with insecurities but he makes me feel so comfortable that they just go out the window when I'm with him. Thinking about him sleeping in bed with another woman every night breaks my heart. I don't know what to do for the best. Advice please ladies x

I strongly believe that if a man really wants to be with a particular woman then he would, so he’s not leaving his current relationship for the sake of a dog and mortgage?? I could kind of understand him staying for kids, but not a mortgage, so he’s basically making out that you are the love of his life but he doesn’t want to end his mortgage and leave the dog, his actions don’t match up with his words, give him an ultimatum, ask him to be with you properly or cut off contact completely

Cut it off. He has the best of both worlds. A life set up, with his bit on the side. Dont let this man, or yourself, keep you hanging on any longer. 12 years is already too long. If someone wants to be with you, they will. He hasnt respected you. Far from it.

Focus on you. Work on your insecurities. Feel happy and confident in yourself.

Sounds like he’s keeping you exactly where he wants you, as a previous poster has said, he would be with you if he loved you the way he says he does. It’s horrible to hear but I really feel like he’s just leading you along and using you at his convenience. No one deserves that. You may think this is love, but in a few years when you look back, you will see it for what it was. Wish you all the strength in the world to get over this man.

Move on.... Having his cake and eating it but.... If you do get with him makesure your finances are separate so your not in the same position as his poor wife. Sometimes your heart overrides your head but just know you deserve better and someone is out their that will treat you the way u should be treated.

Thank you ladies. To the person who posted about his wife and finances, they aren't married. The thing that makes it harder for me is that we don't see each other very often in person, due to his life commitments and im also a full time working, single mother so if anything, we only see each other once every few months so I've never felt used sexually. We talk nearly every day and if we don't, I'll always wake up to a message which will say he misses me. Am I being used on more of an emotional level? I really feel like I need to give him the ultimatum now. Even though it will break my heart and probably his x

Welsh1 said:

Thank you ladies. To the person who posted about his wife and finances, they aren't married. The thing that makes it harder for me is that we don't see each other very often in person, due to his life commitments and im also a full time working, single mother so if anything, we only see each other once every few months so I've never felt used sexually. We talk nearly every day and if we don't, I'll always wake up to a message which will say he misses me. Am I being used on more of an emotional level? I really feel like I need to give him the ultimatum now. Even though it will break my heart and probably his x

Click to expand...

Personally, I wouldnt even bother with an ultimatum. If he actually loved you, respected you and wanted to be with you; he wouldnt have hurt other women in the process and he would be with you now. Will you actually respect him after 12yrs of being, essentially, his pen pal? Please put yourself first. You are a single mother working hard, he is some gobshite lying to his partner and emotionally cheating. You're worth far more than that.

Welsh1 said:

We talk nearly every day and if we don't, I'll always wake up to a message which will say he misses me. Am I being used on more of an emotional level?

Click to expand...

Sorry to say but it does sound like it. If he really wanted to, he could leave his current relationship - a mortgage isn’t that difficult to come out of.

12 years is such a long time, you deserve much better

You deserve better. Move on and find someone who makes you feel just as good / sexy / supported / loved, but one that can and will give himself fully to you.

You are giving yourself to a man who is giving himself to you and another person. Ultimately are you happy to spend the rest of your life paying second fiddle.

Cut him off, he's stringing you along, they all say what he is saying to you.
It doesn't matter how big or small you are there will be a man out there for you, who doesn't have someone else on the go as well. Hes probably messaging you everyday because he likes the attention, but actions speak much louder than words. If he wanted you then he would be with you full stop. Just block him now off everything, no need for any explanations with this toad. What good is a pen pal to you? Hes using you sorry.X

I agree with everyone. Unfortunately he is taking you for a ride and if he really wanted to be with you, he would have been with you a long time ago. Move on. Let him go.

Sorry but if he actually wanted to be with you, he would be with you. That’s the cold hard truth. You need to accept that. He’s taking you for a mug - he’s been your physical & emotional crutch for years, he knows he has a hold over you and there will be a part of him that gets off knowing that. He’s cheating on his partner so I’m sorry but he’s really not this Mr Wonderful that you think he is!!!!!!! Don’t think either that you are the only other women he’s got on the go.

You’ve wasted over a DECADE on this guy. Wake up. It’s never going to be anything more than what it is. He’s using you. Stop letting him. Cut him out of your life and find someone who deserves you - all of you.

Having been in a similar situation myself with the constant comments on how their relationship is more like friends and they just stay together for whatever reasons.
And fed constant things like you've been fed but it was all rubbish. He never intended to leave, he never wanted me. He had me exactly where he wanted and I stayed there.
And that sounds exactly what this guy is doing to you.
He has you exactly where he wants you. He gets the best of both worlds and you stay there

WhatABore said:

Having been in a similar situation myself with the constant comments on how their relationship is more like friends and they just stay together for whatever reasons.
And fed constant things like you've been fed but it was all rubbish. He never intended to leave, he never wanted me. He had me exactly where he wanted and I stayed there.
And that sounds exactly what this guy is doing to you.
He has you exactly where he wants you. He gets the best of both worlds and you stay there

Click to expand...

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.

Welsh1 said:

He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that.

Click to expand...

No offense, but who is to say that’s even the case? It could be a line he’s spinning you. If he wants only you and there are no children involved on his side, then what’s stopping him? Sounds to me like someone who’s having their cake and eating it, and knows exactly the right things to do and say in order to get it. Men aren’t dumb, especially when it comes to getting sex, and they know how to play to a woman’s emotional side. Even if - hypothetically speaking - he did bin off his wife for you, do you think you could ever fully trust him knowing how he carried on with you behind his wife’s back?

Having been in the shoes of the wife/girlfriend in this type of situation, can I just say that what he tells you probably doesn’t reflect how she views their relationship. I was happy in my relationship, thought everything was fine and dandy, had no reason to suspect it wasn’t, and it transpired that he’d been cheating on me with several other women. I was devastated.

Welsh1 said:

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.

Click to expand...

Im not saying this to be harsh but.....
He’s text book stringing you along!!!!! “We haven’t had sex since March and even when we do, all I’m thinking about is you” ——— seriously??? Come on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why are you listening to this?! It’s horseshit. He’s got a lovely life with his mortgage and his live in girlfriend and his dog and he’s banging her and then when he’s bored or needs his ego stroked he’s in contact with you. He’s a text book arsehole. This situation is never ever ever everrrrrrr going to resolve itself - he’s never going to leave her. He has no intention of ever leaving her. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you. You deserve better than this.

If you don’t believe me - call his bluff. Tell his girlfriend everything- see what happens.

You really don’t sound like you are ready to let him go, you almost sound like you are thinking of reasons not too?
Are you scared of giving him an ultimatum in case he doesn’t choose you?
Im worried you are putting your life on hold for him and it sounds like you deserve a lot better

As above. This is 100% text book. He’s not supporting and loving you, he’s manipulating you and has totally got you fooled. He is not a good person. I’m sorry

Welsh1 said:

Thank you for your advice. He never makes comments about his relationship unless I ask. He mentioned last week that they haven't slept together since March. His reasoning was that she has no sex drive, but that he doesn't feel any sort of emotion when they do sleep together because all he thinks about is me. From what I can gather, I'm very like him sexually and very open minded, she doesn't seem to be interested at all in that. But then I can't say he uses me for sex because we don't see each other often so I don't feel like im even filling that void. I've never even asked the question of whether he would leave her for me. I really don't want to be a homewrecker either. I feel terrible enough with being the other woman, I just haven't been able to cut him off as yet because I genuinely believe every thing he says to me, he makes so much effort with everything, he is always there when I need him, he worries about me as at times my mental health hasn't been great, he was there when my grandparents passed away and when I lost my best friend so I don't think I'm being naive that he's only involved with me for his own gain. Because he has done so much for me. Obviously, he's a cheat, he's disrespecting his partner and they are bad points but he's never given me any reason to think badly of him in any other way. It's just so hard. I really do appreciate everyone's advice, its nice to get more perspective on it as nobody knows about us at all.

Click to expand...

That's exactly what this guy said.
That they never sleep together.
Sorry to disappoint you but if he really was that into you, he'd have been with you a long time ago and certainly end his relationship now regardless of house or dog