Okay so seen as this is somewhat anonymous I figure I’d ask here.
I’m 31, been married nearly 10 years, have two kids, husband is father of the youngest. Youngest has severe complex needs, we live in adapted social housing. He is the breadwinner, I care for the home and youngest. Things are becoming more and more strained, it was this way before a few years ago but we worked on it, this time it seems worse. I have faults I’m not blameless but mostly he complains all the time, about everything. He barely listens when people speak to him, I have a chronic illness myself and his lack of empathy and care is quite chilling. He does not help around the house, he doesn’t cook or shopping he barely maintains his own Hygiene - We aren’t intimate. We are like friends. I don’t know. Yes I’ve bought up the depression thing but he refutes this, . I don’t want to upset my youngest as she has attachment to her daddy, and we need each other as a team for her care. But I am not happy, there’s so much more but I can’t even put it into words I’d be here all night. Bottom line do I feel loved or cared for? No. Is the answer.
I feel stuck though. This way. Even if we did separate then what? I can’t even get a job as her care needs are so great childcare is not an option. I don’t know if my mental health has got to a point where I’m taking everything out of context or it’s got to a healing point of realising this is enough sh!t to deal with
UPDATE : HELP??
the truth is I messed up. I posted adult pictures and content online of myself for two reasons, confidence boost & gratification from the attention I was receiving. I proceeded to talk 1:1 online to someone who lives in another country, sometimes smut sometimes general conversation.. it was an escape.
I can’t justify that I messed up but what I can say is it made me feel good, I have an autoimmune condition that means I’ve gained weight in the past two years and it’s extremely evident my husband no longer finds me attractive. I have tried speaking previously to him about it but his always denies it, the bedroom was dead, I tried lingerie and toys to spice things up but his completely unbothered by this. In actual fact he was disgusted I bought myself sex toys as I shouldn’t need them?!?!?!?!
So I posted online to feel good, and I got compliments on my body which made me feel less disgusting, it made me feel good in myself so i continued. He found these and I told him everything, in which he opened up and said that yes he does find me unattractive because of my weight gain, that years ago at a Xmas party he was in a hotel room with a colleague but knocked her back, that his done cocaine and weed on nights out.
It isn’t just all of this that adds up to my dismay. As all previously put he is the breadwinner and as such loves to tell me that I bring no income in at times, the house has often been messy simply because depression and chronic illness sometimes makes it hard to bare. He doesn’t help around the house. He also admitted with everything else that he thought I was being a munchie to deflect attention from my daughters disability - until the drs confirmed blood work. I mean. Even as I’m tying this I’m thinking WTF.
We said we’d try again, and as such we are still together. I have vowed to rid of my smartphone as he doesn’t trust me, he hasn’t made me do this but now I feel more isolated - I have no friends IRL. I’m using access to here while his at work.
I don’t know how I’ll cope if we separate, not just financially but as a support for our daughter, I don’t know if I’ll be making a huge mistake. Part of me imagines it and almost feels the weight being lifted from my shoulders and then reality sinks in and I doubt I’ll cope - I don’t know if this is myself doubt or something his drummed into me (single mom before meeting him, claims he ‘saved’ me).
Please help. I’m very very all over the place and I can’t come up with a straight solution, whether I’m being a narcissist or what.
I fucked up and I can’t help but feel I’m deflecting my mistakes, I don’t know if everything is in my head. I have been mulling over the thought of asking to separate and one minute I feel so relieved the next I feel like I’m making a mistake.
particularly if the house has been adapted for your daughter and you are her primary care giver.
