Divorce...

[JellyWobbles]

Okay so seen as this is somewhat anonymous I figure I’d ask here.

I’m 31, been married nearly 10 years, have two kids, husband is father of the youngest. Youngest has severe complex needs, we live in adapted social housing. He is the breadwinner, I care for the home and youngest. Things are becoming more and more strained, it was this way before a few years ago but we worked on it, this time it seems worse. I have faults I’m not blameless but mostly he complains all the time, about everything. He barely listens when people speak to him, I have a chronic illness myself and his lack of empathy and care is quite chilling. He does not help around the house, he doesn’t cook or shopping he barely maintains his own Hygiene - We aren’t intimate. We are like friends. I don’t know. Yes I’ve bought up the depression thing but he refutes this, . I don’t want to upset my youngest as she has attachment to her daddy, and we need each other as a team for her care. But I am not happy, there’s so much more but I can’t even put it into words I’d be here all night. Bottom line do I feel loved or cared for? No. Is the answer.

I feel stuck though. This way. Even if we did separate then what? I can’t even get a job as her care needs are so great childcare is not an option. I don’t know if my mental health has got to a point where I’m taking everything out of context or it’s got to a healing point of realising this is enough sh!t to deal with

 

[hydeist]

I'm divorced but no children so things were very different for me.

But the way I saw it, and how I see it for you, is this - what if he left you and you weren't prepared and you had no way to survive? If nothing else you need to be thinking about what your single plans for the future could possibly look like, if even as an emergency case if he turned around tomorrow and told you he was done and it's over. While I don't have all the answers for what support or benefits or care help you might be able to get or qualify for, you have to put that in order even if just theoretically. I hope that someone else here will have the knowledge to give you some specific advice on how to move forward and I wish you a lot of luck.

It is extremely difficult, literally and emotionally, to go through the process but it is worth it forever in the long run not to be with someone who does not make you happy. I wish you so much luck.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Okay so seen as this is somewhat anonymous I figure I’d ask here.

I’m 31, been married nearly 10 years, have two kids, husband is father of the youngest. Youngest has severe complex needs, we live in adapted social housing. He is the breadwinner, I care for the home and youngest. Things are becoming more and more strained, it was this way before a few years ago but we worked on it, this time it seems worse. I have faults I’m not blameless but mostly he complains all the time, about everything. He barely listens when people speak to him, I have a chronic illness myself and his lack of empathy and care is quite chilling. He does not help around the house, he doesn’t cook or shopping he barely maintains his own Hygiene - We aren’t intimate. We are like friends. I don’t know. Yes I’ve bought up the depression thing but he refutes this, . I don’t want to upset my youngest as she has attachment to her daddy, and we need each other as a team for her care. But I am not happy, there’s so much more but I can’t even put it into words I’d be here all night. Bottom line do I feel loved or cared for? No. Is the answer.

I feel stuck though. This way. Even if we did separate then what? I can’t even get a job as her care needs are so great childcare is not an option. I don’t know if my mental health has got to a point where I’m taking everything out of context or it’s got to a healing point of realising this is enough sh!t to deal with

Contact your local citizens advice office and ask them to help you work out what benefits you may be elegible for if you were to separate. Ask them about housing options, social work support and outside support for your child. Once you’ve done that and have some more information I’d simply tell your husband that you aren’t happy with the relationship- be completely honest and tell him what youve told us. Ask him why on Earth he doesn’t help - why doesn’t he shower etc? It’s not normal. He’s clearly struggling himself but if he refuses to acknowledge it and won’t seek professional help that’s up to him but you do not have to put up with it. You are so so so young - you have your entire life ahead of you and you deserve so much more than this.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

You can check your benefit entitlement on entitledto.com this will give you some idea of what you might get. You can contact your local council to ask for extra support with your daughter's care needs too. You may be entitled to individual budget for your daughter too. If the local council can't help, there are charities that may be able to help. Living on benefits, with a disabled child is certainly doable, my niece is a single parent to two boys, the youngest is disabled and she copes really well with her finances

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I came across a therapist on Insta recently, she explained that the reason men are always surprised when their unhappy wives leave them is because they've been brought up to EXPECT her to be unhappy. So when you tell them all the reasons why you’re unhappy and what you want to change they don’t think they need to do something. Or if they made those changes then there would be something else anyway. (She says it much better of course).

The concept is all around us in tv shows and in music, common jokes about marriage etc. Once you realise it you see the 'unhappy wife' trope everywhere.

Not ANY excuse for anyone’s behaviour, I just found it eye opening and thought it might help with your understanding of what’s going on in what sounds like an incredibly frustrating situation.

the therapist is Corrin Voeller and that particular post i think is this one.

You deserve to feel loved and cared for

 

[JellyWobbles]

Thank you so much!
I’m going to take a look at the benefit calculator now, I’m going to book an apt at the CAB to talk through properly. My concern is he will become horrible and kick me out of the house, which then obviously leaves me without my daughter as the house is adapted for her needs. So I need to be a bit cautious about how I tread this. Xxxxx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you so much!
I’m going to take a look at the benefit calculator now, I’m going to book an apt at the CAB to talk through properly. My concern is he will become horrible and kick me out of the house, which then obviously leaves me without my daughter as the house is adapted for her needs. So I need to be a bit cautious about how I tread this. Xxxxx

What’s the housing situation like? Who owns it? Is it rented? etc

 

[JellyWobbles]

What’s the housing situation like? Who owns it? Is it rented? etc

its rented and owned by the housing association x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

its rented and owned by the housing association x

Do both of your names appear on the rental agreemen?

 

[JellyWobbles]

Do both of your names appear on the rental agreemen?

Yes xx

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Yes xx

Right well he can’t just kick you out then so don’t worry about that particularly if the house has been adapted for your daughter and you are her primary care giver.

 

[JellyWobbles]

Right well he can’t just kick you out then so don’t worry about that particularly if the house has been adapted for your daughter and you are her primary care giver.

thank you, I really appreciate your help
it’s going to be crappy for a bit but life’s too short..

 

[JellyWobbles]

Sorry me again.
I kinda wanted some input on this one.

last night I went out to a charity event, it was only a few hours and I literally never go out this is the first time in about five years. I was home by 11, prior to this my husband kept asking me what time it finishes, what time will I be home - I honestly didn’t know and he was getting irritable. Anyway I’ve attached a video of what I come home too,

this is what I get for going out and ‘expecting’ him to watch her and keep her entertained.
He lets our disabled daughter go riot and trash the room as you can see, it’s really f bad, and just sits there and leaves it for when I get home. I honestly felt like crying. Is this normal? It’s not is it?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Sorry me again.
I kinda wanted some input on this one.

last night I went out to a charity event, it was only a few hours and I literally never go out this is the first time in about five years. I was home by 11, prior to this my husband kept asking me what time it finishes, what time will I be home - I honestly didn’t know and he was getting irritable. Anyway I’ve attached a video of what I come home too,

this is what I get for going out and ‘expecting’ him to watch her and keep her entertained.
He lets our disabled daughter go riot and trash the room as you can see, it’s really f bad, and just sits there and leaves it for when I get home. I honestly felt like crying. Is this normal? It’s not is it?


View attachment 711989

No this isn’t normal. this is him “punishing” you for going out. This is a form of coercive control. This is domestic abuse. I’m sorry but you need help, please contact Refuge (link below) for advice & support.

Refuge, the largest UK domestic abuse organisation for women

Empowering women to live without violence & fear. Refuge is the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK. Supporting thousands of women & their children overcome the physical, emotional, financial impacts of abuse.

www.refuge.org.uk

 

[JellyWobbles]

No this isn’t normal. this is him “punishing” you for going out. This is a form of coercive control. This is domestic abuse. I’m sorry but you need help, please contact Refuge (link below) for advice & support.

Refuge, the largest UK domestic abuse organisation for women

Empowering women to live without violence & fear. Refuge is the largest domestic abuse organisation in the UK. Supporting thousands of women & their children overcome the physical, emotional, financial impacts of abuse.

www.refuge.org.uk

thank you.

 

[JellyWobbles]

Okay so seen as this is somewhat anonymous I figure I’d ask here.

I’m 31, been married nearly 10 years, have two kids, husband is father of the youngest. Youngest has severe complex needs, we live in adapted social housing. He is the breadwinner, I care for the home and youngest. Things are becoming more and more strained, it was this way before a few years ago but we worked on it, this time it seems worse. I have faults I’m not blameless but mostly he complains all the time, about everything. He barely listens when people speak to him, I have a chronic illness myself and his lack of empathy and care is quite chilling. He does not help around the house, he doesn’t cook or shopping he barely maintains his own Hygiene - We aren’t intimate. We are like friends. I don’t know. Yes I’ve bought up the depression thing but he refutes this, . I don’t want to upset my youngest as she has attachment to her daddy, and we need each other as a team for her care. But I am not happy, there’s so much more but I can’t even put it into words I’d be here all night. Bottom line do I feel loved or cared for? No. Is the answer.

I feel stuck though. This way. Even if we did separate then what? I can’t even get a job as her care needs are so great childcare is not an option. I don’t know if my mental health has got to a point where I’m taking everything out of context or it’s got to a healing point of realising this is enough sh!t to deal with

UPDATE : HELP??

the truth is I messed up. I posted adult pictures and content online of myself for two reasons, confidence boost & gratification from the attention I was receiving. I proceeded to talk 1:1 online to someone who lives in another country, sometimes smut sometimes general conversation.. it was an escape.

I can’t justify that I messed up but what I can say is it made me feel good, I have an autoimmune condition that means I’ve gained weight in the past two years and it’s extremely evident my husband no longer finds me attractive. I have tried speaking previously to him about it but his always denies it, the bedroom was dead, I tried lingerie and toys to spice things up but his completely unbothered by this. In actual fact he was disgusted I bought myself sex toys as I shouldn’t need them?!?!?!?!

So I posted online to feel good, and I got compliments on my body which made me feel less disgusting, it made me feel good in myself so i continued. He found these and I told him everything, in which he opened up and said that yes he does find me unattractive because of my weight gain, that years ago at a Xmas party he was in a hotel room with a colleague but knocked her back, that his done cocaine and weed on nights out.

It isn’t just all of this that adds up to my dismay. As all previously put he is the breadwinner and as such loves to tell me that I bring no income in at times, the house has often been messy simply because depression and chronic illness sometimes makes it hard to bare. He doesn’t help around the house. He also admitted with everything else that he thought I was being a munchie to deflect attention from my daughters disability - until the drs confirmed blood work. I mean. Even as I’m tying this I’m thinking WTF.

We said we’d try again, and as such we are still together. I have vowed to rid of my smartphone as he doesn’t trust me, he hasn’t made me do this but now I feel more isolated - I have no friends IRL. I’m using access to here while his at work.

I don’t know how I’ll cope if we separate, not just financially but as a support for our daughter, I don’t know if I’ll be making a huge mistake. Part of me imagines it and almost feels the weight being lifted from my shoulders and then reality sinks in and I doubt I’ll cope - I don’t know if this is myself doubt or something his drummed into me (single mom before meeting him, claims he ‘saved’ me).

Please help. I’m very very all over the place and I can’t come up with a straight solution, whether I’m being a narcissist or what.
I fucked up and I can’t help but feel I’m deflecting my mistakes, I don’t know if everything is in my head. I have been mulling over the thought of asking to separate and one minute I feel so relieved the next I feel like I’m making a mistake.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

UPDATE : HELP??

the truth is I messed up. I posted adult pictures and content online of myself for two reasons, confidence boost & gratification from the attention I was receiving. I proceeded to talk 1:1 online to someone who lives in another country, sometimes smut sometimes general conversation.. it was an escape.

I can’t justify that I messed up but what I can say is it made me feel good, I have an autoimmune condition that means I’ve gained weight in the past two years and it’s extremely evident my husband no longer finds me attractive. I have tried speaking previously to him about it but his always denies it, the bedroom was dead, I tried lingerie and toys to spice things up but his completely unbothered by this. In actual fact he was disgusted I bought myself sex toys as I shouldn’t need them?!?!?!?!

So I posted online to feel good, and I got compliments on my body which made me feel less disgusting, it made me feel good in myself so i continued. He found these and I told him everything, in which he opened up and said that yes he does find me unattractive because of my weight gain, that years ago at a Xmas party he was in a hotel room with a colleague but knocked her back, that his done cocaine and weed on nights out.

It isn’t just all of this that adds up to my dismay. As all previously put he is the breadwinner and as such loves to tell me that I bring no income in at times, the house has often been messy simply because depression and chronic illness sometimes makes it hard to bare. He doesn’t help around the house. He also admitted with everything else that he thought I was being a munchie to deflect attention from my daughters disability - until the drs confirmed blood work. I mean. Even as I’m tying this I’m thinking WTF.

We said we’d try again, and as such we are still together. I have vowed to rid of my smartphone as he doesn’t trust me, he hasn’t made me do this but now I feel more isolated - I have no friends IRL. I’m using access to here while his at work.

I don’t know how I’ll cope if we separate, not just financially but as a support for our daughter, I don’t know if I’ll be making a huge mistake. Part of me imagines it and almost feels the weight being lifted from my shoulders and then reality sinks in and I doubt I’ll cope - I don’t know if this is myself doubt or something his drummed into me (single mom before meeting him, claims he ‘saved’ me).

Please help. I’m very very all over the place and I can’t come up with a straight solution, whether I’m being a narcissist or what.
I fucked up and I can’t help but feel I’m deflecting my mistakes, I don’t know if everything is in my head. I have been mulling over the thought of asking to separate and one minute I feel so relieved the next I feel like I’m making a mistake.

Your relationship with your partner is over. It’s dead in the water. You cannot carry on pretending it’s all ok or pretending that either of you are happy. You both sound miserable and honestly life is way too short for this.
he’s not a good guy. he really isn’t. You deserve so much better.

do not - DO NOT - get rid of your smart phone. He’s trying to isolate you. I know you say it’s your choice but I beg to differ.

please today contact citizens advice to discuss all of your options - you need help regarding finances, benefits, support for you & your kids and housing. Contact your GP and your local council.

do you have anyone in real life you can talk to for support? Family/friends/neighbours etc?

 

[JellyWobbles]

Your relationship with your partner is over. It’s dead in the water. You cannot carry on pretending it’s all ok or pretending that either of you are happy. You both sound miserable and honestly life is way too short for this.
he’s not a good guy. he really isn’t. You deserve so much better.

do not - DO NOT - get rid of your smart phone. He’s trying to isolate you. I know you say it’s your choice but I beg to differ.

please today contact citizens advice to discuss all of your options - you need help regarding finances, benefits, support for you & your kids and housing. Contact your GP and your local council.

do you have anyone in real life you can talk to for support? Family/friends/neighbours etc?

no I have no friends and my family and I aren’t really close.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

no I have no friends and my family and I aren’t really close.

Did you contact citizens advice or anyone today??

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

How are things now? I ask because even though you ran a mile from questions last time, I know that things are not always OK. I mean, I found this thread searching divorce so...

If you have fixed things and have found a way through I'm really happy for you. Again, I only comment because I've been trying to find a way through for years now and ultimately have come to the conclusion it's no longer possible.

I've considered starting my own thread but it's hard when it's something so overwhelming.