Divorce - reasons why?

[Flowergirl14]

Having been through a very painful divorce, what are your thoughts on what I think....

When I look around at my friends/work colleagues who appear happily married (though, you never know what goes on behind closed doors), I notice a similar theme.

Those that remain married:
They have a traditional marriage, whereby the husband goes out to work and the wife stays at home and takes care of the children and home
They both go out to work, but they have no children

Those that divorce:
Both parents go out to work full time

Obviously, there are exceptions.
But I have seen this time and time again.

What are your thoughts?

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I don't think it's as simple as all that.

Of the couples I know that are divorced:

1) Two small kids. Both parents worked full time. Split up when the wife turned 40, decided to become vegan, give up alcohol, take up marathon running and said that she was 'tired of being treated like a 1950s housewife (she was far from it) She's still single, her ex husband has met someone else and now she has a major problem with that. I think very much a case of she doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. I think she definitely had some kind of mid life crisis.

2) One child who was 7 when they split up. He was working full time, she was a SAHM. He left her when he had an affair with someone else. She was devastated. He's now married to the woman he had the affair with and I've seen them have a row in public more than once. Grass isn't always greener.

3) 2 children who were high primary/low secondary school age at the time. She was a SAHM, he was out of work with mental health issues. They split up because of that. He's since passed away.

4) One child together (8) She has two teenagers from a previous marriage. Not actually married, but together for about 10 years. He was a SAHD, she worked full time. They split up after she had an affair.

5) 2 kids, both high primary school age. She works part time, he worked full time. They split up (didn't divorce) because he had a gambling addiction and was sacked from his job after stealing money from the company. She didn't know anything was going on. They're back together at the moment, but I can't see it lasting.

 

[HarderFaster]

Interesting that the common denominator seems to be kids @DCICassieStuart ! I reckon people with children face so many more pitfalls as they totally change the dynamic of a relationship.

 

[jazyblu]

I disagree, this is a hugely simplified view.

Also consider a SAHW's access to resources and finances, they can easily be less able to be a divorce instigator but that doesn't mean they are happy.

 

[GetOffMyLawn]

I know of couples who have divorced in the ‘traditional family’ you’ve depicted, as well as friends who both work full time, have children and are still together 20 years down the line.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and we’re still going strong. I work from home and he’s self employed but regardless, we have a fantastic relationship

 

[Flowergirl14]

Interesting that the common denominator seems to be kids @DCICassieStuart ! I reckon people with children face so many more pitfalls as they totally change the dynamic of a relationship.

I agree the interesting common factor is they have children.
How many couples are together until the children leave home, and then find they have nothing in common and divorce.

 

[She's back]

I'm married to my best friend, we have never even had an argument. People always seem really taken aback by that which is sad.

I think many people "settle" because they may feel pressure to from family or perhaps that's what they think is the normal thing to do...but so many people settle with the wrong person because of this.

I think those external issues you mention could have strains on a relationship but it wouldn't cause people to divorce unless the two people in that marriage couldn't work around it? It depends on the people. We are all so different and constantly growing and changing that no 2 relationships are the same.

I'm a big believer in trying to love yourself before loving somebody else and many of my relationships have failed due to me not caring for myself. If we all had some more self confidence and care for others with no outside influences I bet there'd be alot more successful marriages!

I swear people have forgotten how to have normal loving relationships since reality tv came about where everyone's cheating and being toxic

 

[Pinkblush]

I know of the following
Wife asked for divorce. He started new job and was working with a few weekend cyclists types. He ended up being influenced but it was nothing to do with keeping fit. It was more of a competative ego thing. He couldn't get a regular bike, he jad to spend a grand on one and then lots more money on all the top end lycra gear and footwear. He became completely obssessed. She felt his cycling club came first. He then entered races and the selfishness became worse. Again probably thru influence he became vegan and expected her and the kids to eat vegan too. She said the cycling was his mistress. Basically fours years on she's with someone else now and really happy.

The other one was where the man left. He and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy when he was twenty five and not ready to settle down. He said he just grew out of the relationship by the time he reached his mid forties. He resented feeling tied down and caged in at a young age . Babies were not in his plan but he waited until the twins were older before moving on. She was devastated by it and is still single. He now lives with someone ten years younger and he can see the kids whenever he wants because they're adults now. Its hurts the ex that they've all been on holiday together too. She gives the impression she's not over it.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

It's not always couples with kids though. I think it just seems that way because there are probably more couple that have kids than couple that don't.

A friend of mine is married to the most useless man ever (they don't have any kids) They both work full time. He only ever seems to come home for food and bed. She does EVERYTHING in the house. He's too lazy and bone idle to lift a finger. She doesn't ever talk to anyone about it, but ended up crying and telling me everything one night when I was there because he sent her a message telling her he wouldn't be home because he was going out with 'the boys'. 'The boys' are all in their forties.

She's 44, was mid 30s when they got married, they did try for kids but it didn't happen. Apparently he didn't really want kids anyway (I think he would have been a useless father and she would have ended up raising them as if she was a single parent anyway)
I have no idea why she doesn't divorce him. She has a very good job, earns an excellent salary and definitely doesn't rely on him financially for anything. Her parents live almost 3 hours away and she ends up going to stay with them most weekends because he's never at home and she's obviously lonely. She hasn't seen them a whole lot this year obviously and that's affecting her too.

His (single) brother is mid thirties and a lovely guy, she gets on great with him. I think she married the wrong brother.

I don't know why she stays with him. Maybe she really does love him, but can you really love someone and want to be with them when they're making you so unhappy and miserable all the time?

 

[MrsSoprano]

I know of the following
Wife asked for divorce. He started new job and was working with a few weekend cyclists types. He ended up being influenced but it was nothing to do with keeping fit. It was more of a competative ego thing. He couldn't get a regular bike, he jad to spend a grand on one and then lots more money on all the top end lycra gear and footwear. He became completely obssessed. She felt his cycling club came first. He then entered races and the selfishness became worse. Again probably thru influence he became vegan and expected her and the kids to eat vegan too. She said the cycling was his mistress. Basically fours years on she's with someone else now and really happy.

The other one was where the man left. He and his girlfriend had an unplanned pregnancy when he was twenty five and not ready to settle down. He said he just grew out of the relationship by the time he reached his mid forties. He resented feeling tied down and caged in at a young age . Babies were not in his plan but he waited until the twins were older before moving on. She was devastated by it and is still single. He now lives with someone ten years younger and he can see the kids whenever he wants because they're adults now. Its hurts the ex that they've all been on holiday together too. She gives the impression she's not over it.

My good friend recently split up from his wife, they have 2 young children, she was the one to leave him and he said to me he was always planning on leaving her when the youngest turned 18 and I thought how selfish, I understand it would be hard to not live full time with your children but to do that to someone made me so pleased she left while she is still young and can meet someone who will appreciate her.

 

[Hendrix]

About 15 years ago my best friends parents divorced when she was 15 and her younger brother was 13. Both worked full time in very good jobs.

Had a lovely 4 bed detached house in a very sought after area. I was so shocked when she told me they were splitting, out of our friendship group her parents were the ones who we never seen argue and my friend said she never heard them argue.

Shortly after they split her dad announced he was seeing someone else who he worked with so put 2 + 2 together and realised he’d been having an affair.

It got very weird after that, as they still lived in the same small town they could never be in the same room together without an argument or fight breaking out. Eventually they both moved on with other people and the only time I’ve known them to be in a room together civil was at their kids weddings. So sad when it turns out like that.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

Ive been with my husband for 19 years. We still enjoy spending time together and he makes me laugh loads. He's always got my back. We've had rough periods but we've got through them.

We both work, I don't think it's as simplistic as that. Though amongst all our friends the overwhelming theme is that those who have split tended to sleep with other people,and those that didn't are still together.

 

[Flash]

That is extremely simplistic. People get divorced for all sorts of reasons and in all sorts of circumstances. My first husband decided he’d had enough of me/marriage after 18 months (we’d been together for 8 years before getting married). Both worked full time and no kids. I’ll probably never know his true reasons for leaving, because he refused to discuss it or speak to me at all once he’d decided to end the marriage.
My now-husband’s first marriage ended in very similar circumstances, albeit his ex managed to stick around a bit longer than 18months.
A friend of mine ended her marriage because she didn’t want kids and her husband did. They both worked full time.
Another friend chucked her husband out after his behaviour became more and more unreasonable. She then discovered he had been, and still was, having an affair (the twit texted her a lovey dovey message by accident when it was meant for his side piece). They have one child, he works full time and she part time.
Those are just a few examples and quite a range of circumstances within that.
Why do you ask, OP?

 

[littlepup]

I know couples that have divorced where the woman stays home and where they go out to work. I also know really happy couples in both situations. Both with and without kids.
There are a million reasons relationships break down and I don’t think there’s any one recipe for success or disaster, people change over time too.

I do think it’s easier to have a happy relationship when you’re not knackered though. I’m sure not having the stress and time drain of working FT (particularly while trying to raise children) allows the stay home party to spend more time making the other feel cared for, they feel supported in return making for a better relationship.
Being furloughed I’ve done pretty much everything round the house, packed lunch, made dinner, laundry, made sure he’s got the necessities, not had to go shopping, pretty much taken care of anything that’s not work. Fortunately he’s super grateful and shows it, it’s really nice for both of us. It’s a much easier life than trying to work out who’s home first to start dinner or put the laundry in the dryer, which of us is closer to passing a shop because we’ve run out of loo roll. And we don’t even have kids to think about yet.
I will say he’s not financially supporting me and I know he’d pull his weight in the house if needed so it’s not the same as being ‘stay at home’ that I could see may come with it’s own resentments.


That said I am also aware of quite a number of couples (farmers mostly and a couple of lawyers) where the woman stays home BUT knows her husband treats her like tit or cheats. She was either raised to accept/expect it, accepts it for the lifestyle or can’t cope on her own financially even with a job. It’s simply keeping up appearances, a mutually rewarding agreement, neither are happy. In my experience, this happens almost exclusively when the wife is stay at home.
(I’m aware this is not the norm. We get quite a few marriages for the name/connection or women who’s life ambition is to marry money around here)

 

[WilmaHun]

I work in family law, and it's really not as black and white as you've put it. In the last month here's just some of the circumstances I've seen divorces commenced for:

1. Both work full time, have 2 children. Woman had an affair with colleague. (Husband petitioned)
2. Man works full time, woman takes care of 3 young children at home. Man drinking in the evenings so heavily to the extent it causes arguments on almost a daily basis. (Wife petitioned)
3. Both work full time, no children, just fallen out of love and decided to separate. Been living pretty separate lives for two years anyway despite living under the same roof. (Wife petitioned)
4. Man stays at home to care for child under age of 4, woman works full time. Man gambling whilst woman at work and also spending money on dating sites. (Woman petitioned).
5. Neither work, both on benefits due to ill health. 3 children. Woman petitioned for divorce after finding he was leading a completely separate life with another lady whilst he was telling the wife he was going for physio.

The point I'm trying to make is that there really is no pattern to who is more likely to get divorced. At work I've come across couples who have got divorced and seemingly had the perfect life (nice house, nice cars, good income, children etc). I just think there's often a lot more to it with divorce than who goes out to work, who has the kids, whether they have any kids etc.