Disagreements with partner

[MrsJones83]

This might go off on a few tangents so bare with me!

There’s not a lot we argue or disagree about, apart from one thing - sex. He has a much, much higher sex drive than me, it’s not really been an issue until recently. We have sex maybe 1-2 times a week, but I’ll admit on occasion I go with it because it’s easier than saying no.

When I go to bed I just want to sleep. He says I’m boring and miserable because I don’t always engage, and say no. I’m selfish because I don’t give him what he wants.

I’m 24 weeks pregnant, we have 3 children, I do 90% of the childcare, all the housework, laundry, cooking, food shopping etc, and then 3 evenings a week I work 6pm-11pm. I am physically and mentally worn out. I feel like I have a tonne of pressure on my shoulders, and I feel like he’s adding to it with his sexual demands.

He’s not spoken to me for 2 days because he asked to go down on me, and I said no. He got up, got dressed, and went downstairs in a sulk. He’s avoided me since.

I feel like this is some kind of emotional abuse. Am I being over sensitive? How do we get over this?

 

[Belulah]

In my experience he probably expected to be treated like a king for offering to do that! You have so much going on!

 

[Bgr101]

This might go off on a few tangents so bare with me!

There’s not a lot we argue or disagree about, apart from one thing - sex. He has a much, much higher sex drive than me, it’s not really been an issue until recently. We have sex maybe 1-2 times a week, but I’ll admit on occasion I go with it because it’s easier than saying no.

When I go to bed I just want to sleep. He says I’m boring and miserable because I don’t always engage, and say no. I’m selfish because I don’t give him what he wants.

I’m 24 weeks pregnant, we have 3 children, I do 90% of the childcare, all the housework, laundry, cooking, food shopping etc, and then 3 evenings a week I work 6pm-11pm. I am physically and mentally worn out. I feel like I have a tonne of pressure on my shoulders, and I feel like he’s adding to it with his sexual demands.

He’s not spoken to me for 2 days because he asked to go down on me, and I said no. He got up, got dressed, and went downstairs in a sulk. He’s avoided me since.

I feel like this is some kind of emotional abuse. Am I being over sensitive? How do we get over this?

1 to 2 times a week is a lot in my opinion...and plenty.

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

Witholding any sort of communication or affection because you dont want to have sex is emotional abuse.

Also having sex when you dont want to, to avoid him stropping or being in a bad mood is coercive grape.

Once or twice a week when you do all of the menial household tasks is an average amount. Maybe if he did his fair share youd feel more in the mood.

Id suggest couples counselling as none of this is ok.

 

[mochibean]

This is emotional abuse. He's giving you the silent treatment because you didn't give him what he wants.

You should be having sex on your terms, not his. If you don't want to, please don't force yourself!!

Honestly this isn't okay.

 

[CherryAcid]

This is not okay at all! Have you told him that you are exhausted as he doesnt help out around the house?

 

[judgejohndeed]

I can’t find any sensible advice that isn’t just ‘leave him’ which is obviously unhelpful especially as you’re pregnant. This is so abusive and I’m so worried for you saying you have sex because it’s easier not to. The sex issue aside, he sounds like a huge manchild doing nothing around the house, that really isn’t okay either. You’re definitely not being over sensitive about it.

 

[JakeM]

I feel like this is some kind of emotional abuse.

Unfortunately it is. He’s going downstairs because he thinks that you’ll change your mind. He thinks that if he keeps sulking he’ll eventually get his own way.

 

[MrsJones83]

Yes I’ve said that if there was more teamwork around the house I wouldn’t be so worn down, his go to response is that he’s at work all day and I’m at home so what do I expect.

 

[Lulu Goss]

Yes I’ve said that if there was more teamwork around the house I wouldn’t be so worn down, his go to response is that he’s at work all day and I’m at home so what do I expect.

Sorry but he sounds like an hole! No doubt while he’s at work you’re looking after the kids, as well as being pregnant? Him being at work is no excuse not to help out more.

As for the difference in sex drives, what he’s doing is manipulative. If you don’t want to have sex, that’s the end of it. He shouldn’t be sulking or saying nasty things to make you feel bad about it. Maybe you should tell him that when he reacts like that it just puts you off sleeping with him even more!

 

[Definitelyme]

He is totally out of line. Never mind any of the other stuff that is going on (which is a lot btw, I’m 23 weeks pregnant, also 3 kids, also have been working etc so I know just how knackered you are). No means no. And nobody should ever be made to feel guilty about it. Are any of your children girls? Ask how he would feel is a man was trying to coerce your daughter in to sexual activity after she clearly said no.

 

[Latala]

This is abuse & not acceptable at all.
If you have a daughter then please ask yourself what advice you’d be giving her right now.
My advice would be to leave, you are already doing everything at home so what do you need him for? You deserve better X

 

[Belulah]

Yes I’ve said that if there was more teamwork around the house I wouldn’t be so worn down, his go to response is that he’s at work all day and I’m at home so what do I expect.

You expect him to act like a decent human being!

 

[Raininvain]

He sounds a right pig,I'd have a serious think about leaving him, he will have to support you and the children. In the meantime I'd tell him I didnt want to have sex full stop and not to be pestering.

 

[CherryAcid]

I agree with everyone else, also you have to think about your children as well as your unborn child. Kids learn from their parents, how do you expect to teach them to be good little humans and how to respect others when their dad does sod all around the house and sulks when he doesnt get his way? As for your partner, it sounds like he just sees you as a housekeeper and bag piece, im sorry to say that.
I know its hard and its easy for us to say but is there anyone close to you that can offer support?

 

[Kim Mild]

Sorry but he sounds like an hole! No doubt while he’s at work you’re looking after the kids, as well as being pregnant? Him being at work is no excuse not to help out more.

As for the difference in sex drives, what he’s doing is manipulative. If you don’t want to have sex, that’s the end of it. He shouldn’t be sulking or saying nasty things to make you feel bad about it. Maybe you should tell him that when he reacts like that it just puts you off sleeping with him even more!

Exactly, nobody wants to sleep with someone who has pissed them off.

 

[2020two]

I went through something similar with my ex. He used to tell me if I didn't have sex with him or let him touch me every day then I didn't love him. He used to wake me up hours before I needed to be up just to sleep with me in the morning, or I'd wake up with his head already between my legs. Just going through with it seems easier doesn't it, I was heavily pregnant with twins and just saying yes to make life easier. It has taken me the majority of this year to learn this wasn't ok and this was emotional abuse.

I don't want to jump in and say "leave'" but you deserve far better than to be treated like this, like I did. I left, and on reflection I now understand how abusive he really was. Hope you're ok!

 

[Octopies]

Sorry lovely but I was nodding along with you until you mentioned that a) he is ignoring you because you didn’t want to have sex / engage in sexual activity and b) you are PREGNANT, keeping 3 humans alive already and working! What the hell!

It’s very normal to have mis matched sex drives and I am in a relationship where he wants to more than I do (I am 26 weeks preg so things are getting more uncomfortable) however we get over this issue by speaking about it like adults and communicating and most importantly respecting each other’s wishes and decisions.

Relationships are all about compromise, what is he compromising for you? And what are you compromising for him?

Like others have said this is 100% not normal in a relationship which I am sure you know deep down!

Don’t want to stress you out whilst you’re pregnant but if I were you I’d want a serious chat with him about love , respect and consent

 

[GiftedNotFree]

I agree with the other comments; it’s natural to have different sex drives but in an equal partnership where there is mutual respect you should be able to come to some agreement that works for both people.

Him going away and sulking, using “silent treatment” is wrong full stop. It’s emotional abuse and it needs to stop. I grew up witnessing my parents relationship where silent treatment was deployed regularly and it is 100% dysfunctional.

From your follow up comments, it doesn’t seem like your husband views you as an equal. Instead he thinks the work you do (childcare, housework, paid work in the evening) is somehow less of a burden than his paid work. He’s wrong and it shows a lack of respect for you.

Personally, I would set clear boundaries and tell him what behaviour you are not willing to tolerate, or else.

I’m really sorry you are dealing with all this, it’s the last thing you need on top of everything else!

 

[Bgr101]

I want you to know that although this is so so wrong it is quite common. Men are big babies, its all about them and what they want and if they dont get it they sulk and cant communicate. At least thats my experience and im sure im not alone. I doubt you want to leave him? Its about communication and respect. Neither of which he seems able or willing to do.

You take care and know your worth. Youre amazing.