Direct cremation - Thoughts?

[Bluetomato]

My mum and I had this discussion on a Monday morning in April this year while we were out shopping. On the Thursday of the same week she became critically unwell and she died on the Friday - it was completely unexpected as she had been absolutely fine until the Thursday.
Mum had said that she wanted a pure cremation - she didn't think any one would come to her funeral, plus didn’t want all the fuss or expense. I come from a large family and after letting family and friends know of her death, there were so many people who wanted to come to her funeral. Although my mum had told me her wishes, we were the ones left behind, and as a family decided that we wanted to have a funeral for her. We needed the closure and a final goodbye.
Sorry if the above is a bit garbled, it’s still so raw and I miss her so much

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

This is exactly what I want. I don't believe that you need a funeral to say goodbye to someone. I've already had the conversation with my 3 adult kids and my husband. I believe money should be spent on the living, not the dead and to be perfect honest, I have no real life friends and only my husband and kids as family, so spending a whack on a funeral which only they will turn up at is a complete waste of money and a bit tragic. I've told them to spend the money on living their lives, not mourning mine.

Edited to add, the worst time of my life was organinsing my Dad's funeral when my Mum went to pieces. I was trying so hard to keep it together for her and my kids that it was just horrific trying to plan it and make decisions. I don't want that for my kids.

 

[jackolantern]

My Mum wants this and told everyone to remember her privately in any way they choose, but no formal service. I completely respect that. Unfortunately while it may be hard for some to accept, it is ultimately the choice of the individual (as it should be). You don't need to uphold a tradition to mourn and celebrate the life of a loved one. I personally feel if you need a public display - then you are making it more about your need to be seen than about the actual person you are grieving. That might sound harsh, but not having a funeral doesn't at all take away your ability to say goodbye, it just takes away financial burden and grief tourists IMO.

One thing I will say, is my Mum doesn't even want her ashes returned to us. I find that hard. While I don't think anyone should be made to compromise with their wishes on their own bodies after death, I do struggle to understand why she feels so strongly about it that she couldn't even allow us to spread them somewhere special. Again I will accept her choice, but I can't pretend to respect that one.

 

[Murphygirl]

When my mum passed away 18 months ago she was very clear when she found out she was terminally ill that this is what she wanted and I was happy to fulfil her wishes. My dad was very ill at the time and wouldn't have been able to attend a funeral anyway as well as covid restrictions. My cousin gave me a hard time about it but I don't think she understood how much my mum wanted this but she now understands. My dad also wants the same and when his time comes I'll do something to scatter the ashes together somewhere they loved. As there was no official ceremony to say goodbye, I planted a tree in the garden that flowers in April (her birthday) and bought a lovely tree of life plaque so I have a permanent place to remember her.
Although you don't attend, the funeral directors will tell you the day, place and rough time of the cremation

 

[melonpane]

I have lost both parents, and whilst they did request a funeral (cremation), I can understand how some might prefer to skip that. With loss, we concentrate on how we remember people, how we say goodbye, but for those choosing, before they pass, it can be a different thing altogether.
The tricky thing is how those two aspects meet. We might consider their wishes to negate our own.

We can only respect the wishes of those who are choosing. That in itself is a thing. To be able to accept that with grace and respect is all we really have. I didn't entirely agree with some elements of my parents wishes, but now, many years later looking back, I am glad I did.
This is the hardest thing in the world, to accept that we are all different and not tied to a particular ritual. The beauty lies in knowing that no matter which way someone wishes to be remembered or honoured, their preference was respected. In the long run, this doesn't take away from the living, when all is said and done.

And sometimes, reality takes over for you. My mum died during covid and due to being infected I couldn't attend the service. This was unthinkable and so painful for me until I saw the service on a webcam. Even though I coudnt be there, it was a beautiful experience in itself. Looking back now, two years later, I am content with that. You really never know.

 

[Facehugger]

My Dad wanted this. He wanted no fuss at all and left written instructions on the matter. Unfortunately my narcissistic stepmother decided she would go against what he wanted as the day should be all about her and her grief in front of an audience. She arranged the most long winded funeral ever. Service at one church, then a long drive round through hills and valleys following the hearse to a cremation at the end of it. The church service was at 11.30 am, the cremation was at 3pm. She did not do any food afterwards & most people had driven a couple of hours to get there to start with. Awful.
I don't want anyone upset on my account when I go or being forced to sit at a service just so nobody thinks they're rude, it's a complete waste of money as well. My belief is when you die you're gone & your body is only like the empty wrapper that's left behind that needs binning. I'm not particularly religious, I don't like funerals myself at all, I suppose if my lot hate me then they'll make me have a full church service with hymns & the works won't they just to spite me when I'm dead

 

[Zoombeeni2245]

I would like this when the time comes. I like the idea of people going out for a day out and hike somewhere beautiful in nature with a picnic to celebrate my life and then for my ashes to be scattered in that beautiful place. I’d like to minimise stress and ordeal for my family. This sounds more like me. I think they are a great idea.

 

[Shesaidwhat?]

Strange how I’ve just came across this thread, my grandad told us a couple of days ago this is what he wants when he passes and asked us what we thought?
None of us are really in favour of it but at the same time are thinking it’s selfish to go against what he wants if that’s his final wishes.
Being honest my grandad made some excellent points of why it would make sense “you all know me, you know who I am, why do you need a stranger to stand and tell you my life story to a room of people where half of them I could probably bump into tomorrow and they won’t even say hello?”
It’s just the thought of him being alone and no one there to say goodbye to him for me but then again when I said this he said “well I’ll be dead it won’t matter to me if no one is there or they’re lining the streets for me, I’m not going to know”.

I suppose they make a lot of sense when you weigh it up but I think because we’re all so used to the standard funeral, but for selfish reasons I can’t 100% get on board with them.

 

[gossipboy21.]

This is a very emotive subject I know.
In the last year we have had to arrange two funerals. A “traditional” funeral at a church and also a direct cremation.

After having to arrange both my partner and I have decided that we both want the direct cremation and then our families can scatter our ashes somewhere important to us.
The direct cremation was less stressful and when you are dealing with grief and loss, less stress is important.

 

[Calabria]

I want this when I die. I have been to so many funerals and hate the idea of people coming together to be sad about me going. I’d rather they take some time to go to places we loved or visited together (if they wanted to) and remembered me how they saw fit.

I also quite like the idea of separating my ashes so my different groups of loved ones can sprinkle me somewhere.

 

[LittleMissRuby]

I think its a fab idea. We didn't have a direct cremation for Mum but we did keep costs as low as possible. I think her funeral including director, cremation and a small tea after was approx £3000. We live in an area where anyone and everyone will attend a funeral jusr for the free food, I know right . My mum hated the idea of people she barely knew or didn't like pretending to be sad she was dead. So for that reason we didn't publicly announce details of her funeral and chose to inform close family and friends personally. So funerals can be small and intimate if you so wish, just gota not care about offending people

 

[CrystalWench]

This is what my dad wanted, I was fortunate enough to be with him right up to when he passed so I had said my goodbyes, however my siblings wanted a service. I found the funeral far more sad than when he died, I cried the whole way through and wished I hadn’t gone. Even worse it was being filmed as it was in the middle of the pandemic. It was everything he didn’t want. It made me decide I would like a direct cremation, I hate the thought of my son sat one day inconsolable at my funeral, it’s unnecessary and for me a really sad last memory rather than the memory of my dad just peacefully breathing and then suddenly at rest.

 

[petitspois]

I want this when I go. I want to be remembered of course but a church service led by a vicar I've never met makes no sense to me in this day and age. In fact, I find the idea of burial odd in itself. Surely graves are re-used or dug up after a certain period of time (100 years?) so the idea that they have buried their loved one in their final resting place seems odd to me. Each to their own of course and this is clearly something that should be the individual's choice.

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

My dad had a direct cremation because, in his words, he didn't want us crying in a Chapel watching the curtains close on his coffin while someone he'd never met spoke about him. On the day my dad was cremated we went for a family meal in a place that meant a lot to him. This was perfect for my dad and us. When we scattered his ashes more of the wider family was present so that everyone could say goodbye, my dad told us who he wanted present for that. It was actually quite a bit more fuss than he wanted but the thing that bothered him the most was the ceremony, he hated anything like that, he always felt things like that were false.

My mum can't make her mind up about what she wants, but she was swayed by the arrangements for my dad because it was so intimate.

I definitely want a direct cremation because I think a lot of the fuss around funerals is vulgar and flashy, you don't need to spend a fortune to say goodbye to loved ones. The funeral director that dealt with my dad said she definitely wanted what my dad had, she had seen too many people go into debt for big funerals.

 

[Slaybutter]

It is hard. All I keep thinking about is when they pass, the next time I actually have them around me is when they are in an urn. I hate even having to think about them passing away because I know like everyone does, I'm going to find it extremely difficult to come to terms with but now it's all I can think about after this conversation yesterday. I would really like to respect their wishes though so more than likely, this is what will happen regardless of my feelings about it. My parents explained that we could always have a little memorial after as a family, but without the cost of everything that comes with a funeral.

I would love to skip the burial portion and have an urn instead. Going to bury the body is the hardest thing ime.
I’m very sentimental so I decorate with things from loved ones that passed away. They’re my favorite pieces and whenever I look at them I feel surrounded by love.
My mom would no doubt saddle me with a Lenox Butterfly Meadow-style urn so I guess I should be grateful that she doesn’t want to be cremated.
An intimate dinner to remember my parents with their friends who I know would be the best thing imo. They could do the speeches. I would serve my parents signature dishes. It would be so easy.

 

[BaxterBillions]

I'd go for a direct cremation for myself. The cost of even a basic funeral that funeral directors can charge is ridiculous. My parents both died within a couple of years of each other and didn't make any plans for their funerals and other family members didn't want put their hands in their pockets to help out, but wanted to have a funeral anyway. Managed to get them both done - a burial and a cremation - done for £5K in total, but that was after finding a decent director who would do them.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

I wouldn’t have a problem with it, I agree with the person above who said about money being for the living. I wouldn’t want anyone (imo) to waste money organising a funeral when that money could be better used for them to enjoy. Where as my mum always said she wanted a proper funeral and not with the cheapest coffin as I said I’d get the cheapest for my dad as he hates spending money and is seen as a cheapskate so I think that would suite him . At least this way they get the ashes back so can have a mini get together to scatted the ashes where they can do a funeral type thing without the cost of the actual funeral e.g. they can have someone make a speech, talk about memories etc. Or what I’d like to do I think would get my ashes into one of them tree urns which they can plant and hopefully it’ll grow!

 

[Gossgirl12]

My mum and I had this discussion on a Monday morning in April this year while we were out shopping. On the Thursday of the same week she became critically unwell and she died on the Friday - it was completely unexpected as she had been absolutely fine until the Thursday.
Mum had said that she wanted a pure cremation - she didn't think any one would come to her funeral, plus didn’t want all the fuss or expense. I come from a large family and after letting family and friends know of her death, there were so many people who wanted to come to her funeral. Although my mum had told me her wishes, we were the ones left behind, and as a family decided that we wanted to have a funeral for her. We needed the closure and a final goodbye.
Sorry if the above is a bit garbled, it’s still so raw and I miss her so much

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum
Thank you for your response. My brother is fully on board with their decision but he's never been one for fuss but I'm back and fore with it at the moment as both my parents are well known and I feel it would be a shame to not say goodbye in the traditional way regardless of religious views.

I didn't know this was a thing either! I think it's a sign of the times as much as anything, so many traditions falling by the wayside.

I agree. I'm a very sentimental person so whilst I know there are many pro's to this decision, I'm just concentrating on the cons at the moment.

This is becoming more popular, I only heard about it about six months ago.

The family, at the wishes of the dead man, did this. His remains were taken straight from the hospital and the ashes returned to them about three days later. They then held a 'party for life' about a month after.

My husband has decided he would like this. I think I would still like a traditional church burial for me.

It's a good option for those who are not church worshippers.

The cost is also very good .

My parents aren't religious at all. So that's a pro for the decision, their neighbour also stated the cost which was £1495 which she has paid already and had her wishes added to her will. So there's a huge saving. I suppose it's easier on the family not having something so big to prepare for aswell. My parents have said they don't want any fuss but they would want to be scattered together and would rather myself and my brother didn't have to go through the stress of arranging it while already grieving.

 

[ATV2021]

This is what I want. I'd have done it for my Mum but I had family kicking off that I wasn't going to pay for orders of service as "people like to keep them", so can't imagine no funeral would have gone down well and i just couldnt be bothered with them lol Well I threw out about 10 OOS from Mums car, so people may keep....but never look at again because what you looking at?! & we had a humanist ceremony so there was nothing to read in the bloody thing either! I knew it would be hugely attended so I ordered 25 barely covered the front rows. I didn't want to go, I feel no better from attending it either and don't wanna go to another ever again lol

 

[Imsexy888]

I love this idea & have had experience of one.
They didn't believe in an afterlife so didn't see the need for a service. Instead there was a meeting in a pub for a party to celebrate his life once his ashes were returned.
In total including the returned ashes was £1450.00.