(TW: food, dieting calories etc)
I started calorie counting in 2016 and lost three stone, I made so many healthy adjustments to my diet which I enjoy and still have to this day. But I found out that over Christmas I’ve put about a stone back on.
So I’ve gone back into calorie counting but this time around I’m finding it really hard. I don’t enjoy eating any more, I just cry, and if I have a treat I just feel shitty afterwards or like I should make myself be sick (although I don’t do that because I’m an emetophobe, so then I just cry as I think about what I’ve just eaten).
When I was calorie counting the first time around i was really stringent measuring it down to the last grain of salt and in the end it turned into such a chore, I felt so anxious about everything food related and never really enjoyed anything, days out were a nightmare because I’d be planning for days beforehand what I’d have and what I wouldn’t. my family said I was falling into disordered eating. I used to laugh at them because I was eleven stone and flabby. But I was so sick of it I stopped calorie counting. For ages it worked really well because like I said I ate all the healthy sort of stuff. I managed to maintain my weight at 11st for ages and ages, a good year or so. Hell, before Christmas I was 10.13. I can’t remember a time I was ever 10st something.
(Not that eleven stone is my goal weight because I’m still flabby. Ideally I want to be like, 8 or 9 stone, which is the healthy area for my height. But getting there is really hard.)
I’m now getting the feeling I need to calorie count all over again. I feel like I’m out of control, like I don’t know what I’m eating and if I eat something I’m going to just balloon. So it seems like the only way I can get control back. I redownloaded My Fitness Pal and it’s already saying I’ve gone over my calorie limit for the day. I just feel so shitty and disgusting. Someone in my family ordered Taco Bell tonight for me as a surprise and I just sat there and cried when they told me to eat it, the thought of eating it makes me feel sick. I feel bad because they thought I’d like it but I can’t, I can’t eat it because then it ruins my diet plan. (Jacket potato, cheese, salad. No butter. Exciting )
since lockdown, I can’t go out to exercise. Swimming was the only exercise I felt happy and capable of doing (disabled) and I think it’s one of the reasons I put so much weight back on. At uni I was easily walking 7000 steps a day just wandering around campus, there’s no way I could ever match that at home. I struggle to do exercise for long periods of time. I started stair stepping, walking up and down the stairs, but I can only manage five minutes at a time and I feel shitty about that too. I managed thirty minutes yesterday but can barely walk today
I don’t feel like I can join a calorie counting group or thread (I know there is one here but this is why I haven’t just joined in) as I just feel so sad and down about it. I keep seeing posts on Instagram about good food and bad food and I guess it really triggers me. If not that I keep seeing posts of ‘what I eat in a day’, platefuls of pizza and chips and cookies and sweets and think how can you eat that, how can you eat that without caring about what it’s doing to you, how can you eat that and be happy with yourself?
I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest. I just feel so sad and out of control and I don’t really know how to help myself any more. I think my family were right when they said I was going into disordered eating, as stupid as it sounds. Like, if I do a diet plan I get obsessive, if I don’t I get fat. It’s a lose lose situation. I used to have a dietitician (weight issues have been a looooong ongoing thing) who was a patronising bitch and assumed all I ate was McDonald’s, it’s all ‘don’t eat McDonald’s, or chocolate’. Eh, no fucking shit?)
I wish you could just take a pill and the fat melts off of you like they did in Doctor Who. Oh how easy life would be.
I started calorie counting in 2016 and lost three stone, I made so many healthy adjustments to my diet which I enjoy and still have to this day. But I found out that over Christmas I’ve put about a stone back on.
So I’ve gone back into calorie counting but this time around I’m finding it really hard. I don’t enjoy eating any more, I just cry, and if I have a treat I just feel shitty afterwards or like I should make myself be sick (although I don’t do that because I’m an emetophobe, so then I just cry as I think about what I’ve just eaten).
When I was calorie counting the first time around i was really stringent measuring it down to the last grain of salt and in the end it turned into such a chore, I felt so anxious about everything food related and never really enjoyed anything, days out were a nightmare because I’d be planning for days beforehand what I’d have and what I wouldn’t. my family said I was falling into disordered eating. I used to laugh at them because I was eleven stone and flabby. But I was so sick of it I stopped calorie counting. For ages it worked really well because like I said I ate all the healthy sort of stuff. I managed to maintain my weight at 11st for ages and ages, a good year or so. Hell, before Christmas I was 10.13. I can’t remember a time I was ever 10st something.
(Not that eleven stone is my goal weight because I’m still flabby. Ideally I want to be like, 8 or 9 stone, which is the healthy area for my height. But getting there is really hard.)
I’m now getting the feeling I need to calorie count all over again. I feel like I’m out of control, like I don’t know what I’m eating and if I eat something I’m going to just balloon. So it seems like the only way I can get control back. I redownloaded My Fitness Pal and it’s already saying I’ve gone over my calorie limit for the day. I just feel so shitty and disgusting. Someone in my family ordered Taco Bell tonight for me as a surprise and I just sat there and cried when they told me to eat it, the thought of eating it makes me feel sick. I feel bad because they thought I’d like it but I can’t, I can’t eat it because then it ruins my diet plan. (Jacket potato, cheese, salad. No butter. Exciting
since lockdown, I can’t go out to exercise. Swimming was the only exercise I felt happy and capable of doing (disabled) and I think it’s one of the reasons I put so much weight back on. At uni I was easily walking 7000 steps a day just wandering around campus, there’s no way I could ever match that at home. I struggle to do exercise for long periods of time. I started stair stepping, walking up and down the stairs, but I can only manage five minutes at a time and I feel shitty about that too. I managed thirty minutes yesterday but can barely walk today
I don’t feel like I can join a calorie counting group or thread (I know there is one here but this is why I haven’t just joined in) as I just feel so sad and down about it. I keep seeing posts on Instagram about good food and bad food and I guess it really triggers me. If not that I keep seeing posts of ‘what I eat in a day’, platefuls of pizza and chips and cookies and sweets and think how can you eat that, how can you eat that without caring about what it’s doing to you, how can you eat that and be happy with yourself?
I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest. I just feel so sad and out of control and I don’t really know how to help myself any more. I think my family were right when they said I was going into disordered eating, as stupid as it sounds. Like, if I do a diet plan I get obsessive, if I don’t I get fat. It’s a lose lose situation. I used to have a dietitician (weight issues have been a looooong ongoing thing) who was a patronising bitch and assumed all I ate was McDonald’s, it’s all ‘don’t eat McDonald’s, or chocolate’. Eh, no fucking shit?)
I wish you could just take a pill and the fat melts off of you like they did in Doctor Who. Oh how easy life would be.