Dieting/calorie counting and feel like I’m spiralling.

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Apple In My Pie

VIP Member
(TW: food, dieting calories etc)

I started calorie counting in 2016 and lost three stone, I made so many healthy adjustments to my diet which I enjoy and still have to this day. But I found out that over Christmas I’ve put about a stone back on.

So I’ve gone back into calorie counting but this time around I’m finding it really hard. I don’t enjoy eating any more, I just cry, and if I have a treat I just feel shitty afterwards or like I should make myself be sick (although I don’t do that because I’m an emetophobe, so then I just cry as I think about what I’ve just eaten).

When I was calorie counting the first time around i was really stringent measuring it down to the last grain of salt and in the end it turned into such a chore, I felt so anxious about everything food related and never really enjoyed anything, days out were a nightmare because I’d be planning for days beforehand what I’d have and what I wouldn’t. my family said I was falling into disordered eating. I used to laugh at them because I was eleven stone and flabby. But I was so sick of it I stopped calorie counting. For ages it worked really well because like I said I ate all the healthy sort of stuff. I managed to maintain my weight at 11st for ages and ages, a good year or so. Hell, before Christmas I was 10.13. I can’t remember a time I was ever 10st something.
(Not that eleven stone is my goal weight because I’m still flabby. Ideally I want to be like, 8 or 9 stone, which is the healthy area for my height. But getting there is really hard.)

I’m now getting the feeling I need to calorie count all over again. I feel like I’m out of control, like I don’t know what I’m eating and if I eat something I’m going to just balloon. So it seems like the only way I can get control back. I redownloaded My Fitness Pal and it’s already saying I’ve gone over my calorie limit for the day. I just feel so shitty and disgusting. Someone in my family ordered Taco Bell tonight for me as a surprise and I just sat there and cried when they told me to eat it, the thought of eating it makes me feel sick. I feel bad because they thought I’d like it but I can’t, I can’t eat it because then it ruins my diet plan. (Jacket potato, cheese, salad. No butter. Exciting 😅)

since lockdown, I can’t go out to exercise. Swimming was the only exercise I felt happy and capable of doing (disabled) and I think it’s one of the reasons I put so much weight back on. At uni I was easily walking 7000 steps a day just wandering around campus, there’s no way I could ever match that at home. I struggle to do exercise for long periods of time. I started stair stepping, walking up and down the stairs, but I can only manage five minutes at a time and I feel shitty about that too. I managed thirty minutes yesterday but can barely walk today 😅

I don’t feel like I can join a calorie counting group or thread (I know there is one here but this is why I haven’t just joined in) as I just feel so sad and down about it. I keep seeing posts on Instagram about good food and bad food and I guess it really triggers me. If not that I keep seeing posts of ‘what I eat in a day’, platefuls of pizza and chips and cookies and sweets and think how can you eat that, how can you eat that without caring about what it’s doing to you, how can you eat that and be happy with yourself?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest. I just feel so sad and out of control and I don’t really know how to help myself any more. I think my family were right when they said I was going into disordered eating, as stupid as it sounds. Like, if I do a diet plan I get obsessive, if I don’t I get fat. It’s a lose lose situation. I used to have a dietitician (weight issues have been a looooong ongoing thing) who was a patronising bitch and assumed all I ate was McDonald’s, it’s all ‘don’t eat McDonald’s, or chocolate’. Eh, no fucking shit?)

I wish you could just take a pill and the fat melts off of you like they did in Doctor Who. Oh how easy life would be.
 

ChampagneBox

VIP Member
(TW: food, dieting calories etc)

I started calorie counting in 2016 and lost three stone, I made so many healthy adjustments to my diet which I enjoy and still have to this day. But I found out that over Christmas I’ve put about a stone back on.

So I’ve gone back into calorie counting but this time around I’m finding it really hard. I don’t enjoy eating any more, I just cry, and if I have a treat I just feel shitty afterwards or like I should make myself be sick (although I don’t do that because I’m an emetophobe, so then I just cry as I think about what I’ve just eaten).

When I was calorie counting the first time around i was really stringent measuring it down to the last grain of salt and in the end it turned into such a chore, I felt so anxious about everything food related and never really enjoyed anything, days out were a nightmare because I’d be planning for days beforehand what I’d have and what I wouldn’t. my family said I was falling into disordered eating. I used to laugh at them because I was eleven stone and flabby. But I was so sick of it I stopped calorie counting. For ages it worked really well because like I said I ate all the healthy sort of stuff. I managed to maintain my weight at 11st for ages and ages, a good year or so. Hell, before Christmas I was 10.13. I can’t remember a time I was ever 10st something.
(Not that eleven stone is my goal weight because I’m still flabby. Ideally I want to be like, 8 or 9 stone, which is the healthy area for my height. But getting there is really hard.)

I’m now getting the feeling I need to calorie count all over again. I feel like I’m out of control, like I don’t know what I’m eating and if I eat something I’m going to just balloon. So it seems like the only way I can get control back. I redownloaded My Fitness Pal and it’s already saying I’ve gone over my calorie limit for the day. I just feel so shitty and disgusting. Someone in my family ordered Taco Bell tonight for me as a surprise and I just sat there and cried when they told me to eat it, the thought of eating it makes me feel sick. I feel bad because they thought I’d like it but I can’t, I can’t eat it because then it ruins my diet plan. (Jacket potato, cheese, salad. No butter. Exciting 😅)

since lockdown, I can’t go out to exercise. Swimming was the only exercise I felt happy and capable of doing (disabled) and I think it’s one of the reasons I put so much weight back on. At uni I was easily walking 7000 steps a day just wandering around campus, there’s no way I could ever match that at home. I struggle to do exercise for long periods of time. I started stair stepping, walking up and down the stairs, but I can only manage five minutes at a time and I feel shitty about that too. I managed thirty minutes yesterday but can barely walk today 😅

I don’t feel like I can join a calorie counting group or thread (I know there is one here but this is why I haven’t just joined in) as I just feel so sad and down about it. I keep seeing posts on Instagram about good food and bad food and I guess it really triggers me. If not that I keep seeing posts of ‘what I eat in a day’, platefuls of pizza and chips and cookies and sweets and think how can you eat that, how can you eat that without caring about what it’s doing to you, how can you eat that and be happy with yourself?

I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest. I just feel so sad and out of control and I don’t really know how to help myself any more. I think my family were right when they said I was going into disordered eating, as stupid as it sounds. Like, if I do a diet plan I get obsessive, if I don’t I get fat. It’s a lose lose situation. I used to have a dietitician (weight issues have been a looooong ongoing thing) who was a patronising bitch and assumed all I ate was McDonald’s, it’s all ‘don’t eat McDonald’s, or chocolate’. Eh, no fucking shit?)

I wish you could just take a pill and the fat melts off of you like they did in Doctor Who. Oh how easy life would be.
I haven’t got any advice just want to say I could have written this myself ☹
 

Clairer86

Chatty Member
Im so sorry you are feeling like this. It honestly sounds like me and how i feel!

Have you tried Nutracheck? I find that much better than my fitness pal tbh.

Ive always been petite and slim, and even after having 2 kids i went back down to 8stone/ 8st7. But last year was really tough for me and my mental health, and i was prescribed mirtazapine. Holy Shit that stuff is awful!! I legit went from 8 stone to 10 stone in less than 2 months!! And yet my doctor didnt seem to give a shit about how that was having a negative impact on my mental health! I have BPD, Bipolar 2, OCD, Body dysmorphia and a very long history of having a really really bad relationship with food.

The really really sad thing is because ive always been petite/slim, i used to think that was the only positive thing about me. So when i put on 2 stone i struggled massively with just being 'average'. I certainly dont love myself, quite the opposite in fact. And i felt like now i didnt have any positive things about myself. Im also a bit strange because when i see pics of women in bikinis, i dont even find the slim girls attractive tbh and i find the women with curves much nicer, and yet sadly i cant recognise that in myself. I also worry about posting because im currently a comfy size 10/ i can squeeze into my size 8's but im defo more of a size 10 now, and everyone tells me i look so much nicer and healthier but i dont believe them and i just think they are saying it without meaning it.

So ive been working on my mental health- apart from mirtazapine, my other meds do help as does my therapy. But honestly your story sounded scarily similar to my own story, i was obsessed with every tiny bit of food i ate, i measured everything out, and it literally took over my life. It was a horrible way to live to be completely honest. So now i use nutracheck and i do some exercise, but i dont beat myself up/starve myself if i dont exercise the way i used to do. And im trying to think about myself more positively, im even trying to love myself and be kinder to myself. Its hard work but after feeling like shit for almost all of my life, im really trying to build my confidence up- im 34 now, so of course i wont have the same figure as i did when i was 18. And in my heart of hearts i know a uk size 10 is not fat, but its bloody hard at times.

If you want some exercises i love Leslie Sansone walking on youtube, and i would defo reccomend Nutracheck. But most importantly you must try and love yourself, and give yourself a break. xx
 

TJ90

VIP Member
Not sure if this will help but the James Smith calorie calculator will give you a much more realistic amount of calories that My Fitness Pal ever will.
 

Bae56

Well-known member
This has been me. Have done it before but this time round has been a struggle. I had another baby at the start of lockdown and put all my baby weight back on over Christmas.

I've tried and tried, got nowhere. Although I was desperate to lose it and it was causing me stress it wasn't happening. I decided to stop thinking about it because my state of mind was blocking any progess. 3 weeks ago I ran out of all the shit that was making me fat and unhappy & I decided not to buy any more. I've lost 8.5lb.
About a week into it my husband asked me how many calories I had left and I instantly felt pressure and tight in my chest. I wasn't planning tracking, I wanted to do just eliminate the problem food but a few days after my motivation came back and I started feeling positive and have been tracking.
I've made it really easy for myself & I'm buying things that are ready made & simple to track but I plan on weighing this week now I'm in the swing of it. A month ago I thought I would never be here.

Advice: you can and absolutely will do it. You've only put on 1 stone & I know it feels a lot but you're still 2 stone down from when you started which is fantastic. You have lost more than you've gained. Take a breather from thinking about this for a bit & rest assured it will happen. It is mind over matter. When you put pressure on something like this and it doesn't happen you end up beating yourself up & blaming yourself then it clouds it all with negativity. You will do it.
 
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