wafflesnwings
VIP Member
I'm new to the thread - and have read everyone's posts with deep interest because I relate so much to what's been said. I'm sorry for the long post; it opened up a lot for me. I come from a culture where you're expected to be married and have children by a certain age (usually young) and if you don't, then it's presumed that there's 'something wrong' with you, which is very hurtful because I've had that line thrown at me a lot - when there's nothing wrong with me - as well as people asking whether or not I'm a lesbian. Someone posted a situation where they were asked this by work colleagues and sadly I experienced the same. I took them an employment tribunal and thankfully got a good compensation: even if I were a lesbian, my sexuality isn't anyone's business. I am in my 30s and pretty much considered to be 'on the shelf' in comparison to my cousins, friends etc. because I'm unmarried and have no children. I don't get as much stick from my family - an argument about it a while ago gave me such a bad panic attack that they seem to finally understand - but I know so many of my cousins who regret getting married and having children when they did. They just won't say it because they're afraid to be judged by others and are scared to stand up for themselves.
I've always loved children. There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for my nieces and nephews, but when it comes to having children of my own, it's a big no. I have a lot of reasons for it, lots of you have mentioned them, as well as an illness I have which has a huge impact on my daily life and mental health, which will probably get worse as I age. I know I wouldn't be able to give a baby the attention, the love, the good life/education, the fun memories of a mother who is fully present and able to keep up, that it deserves. I've seen too many unwanted, neglected and unloved children: I don't want to add to that because it is soul-destroying to harm and cause damage to a child who didn't ask to be born. I grew up feeling ignored and invisible, so that also plays a role behind that thought. I feel like becoming a parent is a huge responsibility that not enough people think through and just do because it's expected of them. I've seen some very careless parents who should have never had children, and far too many stable couples who can't conceive or who lost their babies.
EDIT: to the person asking why this thread exists, I can't speak for everyone here but only myself. I don't come across many people who think or feel the way I do with regards to having children. I'm from a background where your sanity is questioned and you are often isolated if you are a woman who does not want to have children, as well as becoming the base of cruel remarks, because so much of the thinking around women being expected to have children comes from a combination of religious beliefs, superstition and traditional attitudes (which do get used and abused). You are seen as a 'failure' or a malignant person for choosing to be child-free (the attitudes around infertility are nowhere near as shocking or cruel).
It makes for a very lonely, limbo-like and unhappy space to be in - I personally am relieved the thread exists and where people can talk about their experiences without being silenced, shamed or guilt-tripped for the choices they make and the reasons they have for not having children
I've always loved children. There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for my nieces and nephews, but when it comes to having children of my own, it's a big no. I have a lot of reasons for it, lots of you have mentioned them, as well as an illness I have which has a huge impact on my daily life and mental health, which will probably get worse as I age. I know I wouldn't be able to give a baby the attention, the love, the good life/education, the fun memories of a mother who is fully present and able to keep up, that it deserves. I've seen too many unwanted, neglected and unloved children: I don't want to add to that because it is soul-destroying to harm and cause damage to a child who didn't ask to be born. I grew up feeling ignored and invisible, so that also plays a role behind that thought. I feel like becoming a parent is a huge responsibility that not enough people think through and just do because it's expected of them. I've seen some very careless parents who should have never had children, and far too many stable couples who can't conceive or who lost their babies.
EDIT: to the person asking why this thread exists, I can't speak for everyone here but only myself. I don't come across many people who think or feel the way I do with regards to having children. I'm from a background where your sanity is questioned and you are often isolated if you are a woman who does not want to have children, as well as becoming the base of cruel remarks, because so much of the thinking around women being expected to have children comes from a combination of religious beliefs, superstition and traditional attitudes (which do get used and abused). You are seen as a 'failure' or a malignant person for choosing to be child-free (the attitudes around infertility are nowhere near as shocking or cruel).
It makes for a very lonely, limbo-like and unhappy space to be in - I personally am relieved the thread exists and where people can talk about their experiences without being silenced, shamed or guilt-tripped for the choices they make and the reasons they have for not having children
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No hate, just a bit curious about why the need for this forum. The same with the child free Reddit forum.
