Child never happy

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

I'm getting really exhausted and upset with my daughter's attitude and I don't know what to do to improve things.

She's 4 and a half and is never happy, constantly got the face on, moaning, in a grump, ungrateful and jealous.

For context she lost her dad a year ago to suicide but she thinks he just got sick. However lots of these behaviours pre date her dad going.

I can take her somewhere for the day and she just finds things to be miserable about and refuses to enjoy herself. We went to the zoo and she sulked in her little brothers buggy all day. She's insanely jealous of her little brother. If I carry him all she does is sulk that she's too tried and can't walk. Her gran bought her a toy and her response was I want the other one. She goes to an expensive club every week. While she's there I walk the dog with the little one, she's now kicking off that she's wants to come with us and doesn't want to go to the club. Yet if she came with us she would moan that she doesn't like walking.

She is never happy, I can't win with her. I take her places she asks but if the slightest little thing isn't to her liking she's then in a mood.

It really scares me because that was how her dad was, everything had to be his way otherwise he was in a grunmp, he could never just go with the flow or make the best of things and have a laugh. And he ended up killing himself.

I just don't know what to do. I want her to be happy but at this point I feel like she's spoilt and I need to stop treating her until she can just be grateful for what she has.

Anyone got any ideas. How do you teach a child to be grateful and just enjoy life. That she can't always have everything exactly her own way.

 

[Megansnarkle]

I think there's a lot to unpack here.

I think you need to be realistic about what to expect. I'm not sure you can expect your daughter to be grateful for what she has, but you cam expect and teach politeness. For example, if her response to her gran buying her a toy was 'I want the other one' then you should address that, as she needs to understand that the response is 'thank you' even if it's not quite what she wanted. However, if you're expecting her to be grateful that you are paying for her to go to an expensive club ir happy that she'staken to certain things, I think that's probably asking a bit much from a four and a half year old with no real concept of expense, opportunities etc.

There's not a lot you can do about her natural demeanour but what you can do is consider how much is her naturally and how much perhaps comes from something else. From what you've written she has jealously issues with her little brother, not wanting to go to the club in favour of spending time with you, for example. This may not be about her little brother per se, but his need for a lot of care and attention as a baby may have got tied up with the loss of her father as well. Do you spend quality alone time with her? I'd really work on tactics to deal with the jealously and relationship with her and her little brother and with you. She may never be the happiest child but hopefully she can be a secure one.

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

I think there's a lot to unpack here.

I think you need to be realistic about what to expect. I'm not sure you can expect your daughter to be grateful for what she has, but you cam expect and teach politeness. For example, if her response to her gran buying her a toy was 'I want the other one' then you should address that, as she needs to understand that the response is 'thank you' even if it's not quite what she wanted. However, if you're expecting her to be grateful that you are paying for her to go to an expensive club ir happy that she'staken to certain things, I think that's probably asking a bit much from a four and a half year old with no real concept of expense, opportunities etc.

There's not a lot you can do about her natural demeanour but what you can do is consider how much is her naturally and how much perhaps comes from something else. From what you've written she has jealously issues with her little brother, not wanting to go to the club in favour of spending time with you, for example. This may not be about her little brother per se, but his need for a lot of care and attention as a baby may have got tied up with the loss of her father as well. Do you spend quality alone time with her? I'd really work on tactics to deal with the jealously and relationship with her and her little brother and with you. She may never be the happiest child but hopefully she can be a secure one.

I guess I just see other kids her age and they are happy and playing and she seems to always be in a mood about somthing. It makes me feel like I've failed as a parent.

She's actually alright at home, it's as soon as you try and do anything with her. You can give her everything she wants and she will still find a reason to be miserable.

But no she doesn't get any one to one time really. We usually stay up and watch a movie once a week and do her nails but that's about it because if you do something with one they both want to get involved.

She was alright when her brother was first born, I guess because he didn't do much other than sit in a sling and drink milk. It was as soon as he wanted to play. She wouldn't let him play with any toys.SSuddenly wants to jump on your lap if he's being picked up. If he's got something she wants it. Jealous of him in a buggy. Her dad was never very involved, too wrapped up in himself. But she doesn't remember that. I guess she probably does think that if she had another parent she would get more attention.

I just want her to be happy but it's like she can only focus on these tiny little things that upset her. She can't see how much she has because she's so wrapped up in jealousy over her brother getting carried when she has to walk. I keep telling her even if he wasn't here she would still have to walk because she's too heavy to carry.

But at the same time she won't leave her brother alone. When he tries to play on his own she keeps trying to push her way in and take over. He then ends up getting aggressive with her because she ignores him when he shows him he wants to play alone.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I think she's been through a lot, it makes sense she might feel unsettled. You are not failing as a parent.

Routine and more routine.

Her toys could just be hers. She doesn't have to share with the baby.

I also would really suggest teaching her emotional regulation skills. Sit down on the floor with her without her sibling. Focus on breathing and calming her body down. What can she hear? What can she see? It's called grounding in therapy talk.

Most children don't have a idea of what they're feeling. Print out a chart with different emotion faces which one does she feel represents her?

Also work on soothing and creating a safe space to go if she feels overwhelmed. Could be through a pop up tent. Put a blanket and pillows in. Some sensory toys. She can come out when she's ready.

Do you also mention her father? If she's missing him perhaps a bear with his photo of a T-shirt could be comforting. She could hug it when she felt sad.

What support and help have you also had? Can you get time away from the kids and have someone else watch them?
---

 

[Snippysnips]

I think you have to put yourself into her shoes, she's just lost a parent an she feels like the only parent she has left is giving all their attention to her brother, she could be feeling lost an left out an also grieving an this is how her emotions are coming out

I'd maybe look at seeing if there's a grieving service for kids, I know there's plenty for adults but kids go through this as well an perhaps having that will help her to process what's happened, especially since this death will have been very sudden, her whole world has probably been turned upside down, some one on one time as well might help since if she's asking to miss the club to go a walk then it's her way of saying she wants to spend time with you

I also agree with the other poster about teaching her how to be polite with what she's getting, kids have no idea the value of things an it isn't really fair to say she's ungrateful because she's going to a expensive club when she has no idea about money

 

[rainbowlemon]

Also this is aimed at adults, but gives you tips on how to actually cope with distress.

 

[Jellybean093]

I'm getting really exhausted and upset with my daughter's attitude and I don't know what to do to improve things.

She's 4 and a half and is never happy, constantly got the face on, moaning, in a grump, ungrateful and jealous.

For context she lost her dad a year ago to suicide but she thinks he just got sick. However lots of these behaviours pre date her dad going.

I can take her somewhere for the day and she just finds things to be miserable about and refuses to enjoy herself. We went to the zoo and she sulked in her little brothers buggy all day. She's insanely jealous of her little brother. If I carry him all she does is sulk that she's too tried and can't walk. Her gran bought her a toy and her response was I want the other one. She goes to an expensive club every week. While she's there I walk the dog with the little one, she's now kicking off that she's wants to come with us and doesn't want to go to the club. Yet if she came with us she would moan that she doesn't like walking.

She is never happy, I can't win with her. I take her places she asks but if the slightest little thing isn't to her liking she's then in a mood.

It really scares me because that was how her dad was, everything had to be his way otherwise he was in a grunmp, he could never just go with the flow or make the best of things and have a laugh. And he ended up killing himself.

I just don't know what to do. I want her to be happy but at this point I feel like she's spoilt and I need to stop treating her until she can just be grateful for what she has.

Anyone got any ideas. How do you teach a child to be grateful and just enjoy life. That she can't always have everything exactly her own way.

I don’t have any thing to give apart from I also have one of these which is now a teen, but that’s just her personality. We get the odd smile, but I know she’s happy, she’s just miserable (if this makes sense)
She also isn’t a fan of her younger brother, but dotes on the other 2. It was just me and her for years until Mr B came along and we had children together
I’ve planned days out and even holidays and she always looks ungrateful, but says she had a great time. Although I did have to take her home early when she was much younger from a theme park because she threw her drink on the floor, and that was the last straw for me
She hadn’t had any loss on her life (apart from me and her dad splitting) which even though she was only 1 at the time, I think she’s always wanted us to be together
I hope you are ok though. It is bloody tough!!

 

[alwaysdreaming]

I am so sorry what you are going through.
It’s a tough situation as a single parent.
I would implement a routine and structure into her life. Also discipline. Next time she should be corrected and tell her grandmother thank you.
I love what someone mentioned above the character emotions poster.
I would stop the club and take her to therapy. Also you may need some advice how to cope with a child who has lost her parent.
Your daughter is going through a lot and probably doesn’t know how to deal with it.
Of course we want our children to be the happiest. I wouldn’t compare her to other children as they may have not endured the same experience as your daughter.
Also I would dedicate once a week where your daughter can pay tribute to her father.
That way he’s never forgotten and maybe from there she can start to express her feelings as best as a 4 year old can.
I pray that everything gets easier for you. Don’t expect too much from a 4 year old.

 

[Megansnarkle]

But no she doesn't get any one to one time really. We usually stay up and watch a movie once a week and do her nails but that's about it because if you do something with one they both want to get involved.

She was alright when her brother was first born, I guess because he didn't do much other than sit in a sling and drink milk. It was as soon as he wanted to play. She wouldn't let him play with any toys.SSuddenly wants to jump on your lap if he's being picked up. If he's got something she wants it. Jealous of him in a buggy. Her dad was never very involved, too wrapped up in himself. But she doesn't remember that. I guess she probably does think that if she had another parent she would get more attention.

I just want her to be happy but it's like she can only focus on these tiny little things that upset her. She can't see how much she has because she's so wrapped up in jealousy over her brother getting carried when she has to walk. I keep telling her even if he wasn't here she would still have to walk because she's too heavy to carry.

But at the same time she won't leave her brother alone. When he tries to play on his own she keeps trying to push her way in and take over. He then ends up getting aggressive with her because she ignores him when he shows him he wants to play alone.

It sounds like she's crying out for your attention. I would definitely carve out some proper mother-daughter time, not watching a film/TV but time when you properly give her your full attention and she knows that. Try and set it up in a way that it's a set regular time and you don't move it (can you for example get their gran to watch your son for a while?).

I'd also try and find accommodations to give her your attention too even when you're dealing with her brother. So if you're carrying her brother why not emphasise what she can do because she's bigger and able to do things, so if you're on a walk then play a game with her that only she can play because she's walking, like, finding a number of things - a stick, a stone, a leaf in a good shape, a flower, etc. If she's playing nicely alone or with her brother then make sure you praise her for playing nicely.

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

Thank you for all your replies.

I think maybe her getting so upset about silly things maybe more about her feeling sad about her dad.

She does struggle to express herself so the emotion chart is a good idea.

I do need to make more time just me and her. It's really tough though because my mum's the only person I have to babysit and there is a limit to how much she can help.

I asked social services for support when it first happened and they said the school do a referral if she's struggling but the school say she's fine.

She does have her own toys and I do seperate them if either wants to play alone.

It's just so hard to know what to do. I just see her missing on so much because she's got a grump on. Sometimes i wonder if it's when we go out because she sees other kids with their dads. The thing is her dad never came on family days out anyway. But I guess she doesn't realise that.
---
With the club it isn't so much the cost, it's more that it's something that she enjoys, but now suddenly doesn't want to do and is kicking off that she wants to come with me to walk the dog. Which is purely jealousy over her brother. And I know if she did come with us she would just moan she doesn't want to walk.

 

[Dipstick]

It is not at all uncommon for the most secure of children to become jealous when a younger sibling is born. They're no longer your number one, your baby, your priority. Lots of children regress and go back to younger behaviours (wanting to be carried for example) to try and get attention. Even negative attention (being told off) is attention.

Not only is your daughter potentially dealing with those emotions, but her father has died without warning. In her eyes, he has just left her. That is earth shattering for a child that age to comprehend. She will be having no end of emotions that she doesn't know how to process. Maybe she is worrying that you will die suddenly/leave her without warning too?

You will also have been different emotionally, while you grieved (this is by no means a criticism of you, just the reality. As much as we try to shield children from sadness etc, we can't hide everything and they pick up on things). So she will have been getting different responses from you sometimes, to what she is used to. All of this is incredibly complex for her.

She is probably craving some one to one time with you, as others have suggested. She needs to know she is still the centre of your world, but that she can share you with her sibling. She needs to know you're not going anywhere. Has she just started school this year? If so that's another huge adjustment for her, whilst perhaps she thinks her sibling gets to stay at home with you.

I suspect this is all about loss, and insecurity. She will be absolutely fine, she just needs some help. Maybe check out Winston's wishes, who are a great child bereavement charity. And don't let School say she's "fine". You know her better than they do, and you know she's not. Public resources are tight, but try and make sure the school/children's services get her the bereavement therapy that she needs and I think you'll start to see a happier little girl again.

And be kind to yourself. You're clearly a great mum who had been through a lot. Good luck.

 

[littlepup]

Have a look for child bereavement charities and do a self referral. They would really be able to give you some professional insight.

It sounds like she's trying to cling to everything, you, her past (by being too little to walk), her possessions. Is she scared that you'll leave her too and sees time with her brother as you pulling away? She's in self protection mode, don't get too happy because it could be taken away.
"I want another one" could be spoilt or it could be her trying to cling on to things, know she has value, control a situation, needing more in everything in case one goes away - I'm just throwing things out there but there could be more to it.
I think 1-2-1 time would be a good place to start, even if it's having her help you cooking, doing laundry etc but really doing it together and asking her opinion so she knows she has choices, that not everything is beyond her control.
Could you get a cheap double buggy from facebook to show her that your accommodating her, she's still your baby too?

 

[Brigitjonesbuttcheek]

She is very possessive over toys. There have been two very violent outbursts on her brother over toys. She insists on taking a toy everywhere with her, that she usually then loses.

I was concerned she would feel like other people might just die. I do try and reassure her that what happened to her dad is really rare and no one else is going to die. I also told her it's common for daddy's to not stay with their kids but mummy always stays (I know it's not true but thought that would reassure her).

She definitely doesn't like being treated differently to her brother. It took a lot of positive reinforcement just to get her to dress herself because she wants dressing like her brother.

They are actually both in preschool together. I could swap on session over so they have a session seperate then she gets one day a week just me and her.

I don't actually use a buggy at all any more. The little ones never wants to go in so I find it easier to just carry him when he gets tried. And I didn't like her always wanting to go in it.II felt like if she doesn't walk she'll never get used to it.

I'm gonna look up some charities and see if we can get some help.