Cheating on my partner with two men.

[Scorpihoe]

Hey, so getting a little help from an unlikely source. I ended things with gym guy then had a little, sorry, massive cry the other night at the bar guys house. I ended up telling him everything and he was incredibly sweet. Turns out he works in mental health with the military and he has referred me to a civilian colleague. We are scheduling an online counseling appointment. Bar guy has been unbelievably supportive. I’m not optimistic yet but it’s a start I think.

Have you considered talking to your husband about what’s been going on? Sorry it seems a little unfair to me that he has no idea...

Not even the cheating, but considered telling him you’re struggling with the relationship and being apart right now, so you’re getting some counselling?

 

[Laur91]

I don’t know why you don’t just end it with your partner (sorry I don’t know if he’s your husband or not but doesn’t really matter) - what’s the point of your relationship and what are either of you gaining from it? I don’t get why sometimes people act like relationships are life sentences, stringing each other along for what reason? Just do both of yourselves a favour, end it and you can both then focus on yourselves.

 

[Markle Debarkle]

Thank you all for the kind words. They feel very undeserved. Actually just writing all this down and putting it out there has made me think more about ending the affairs. I just don’t want to be alone right now.
Sadly my partner and I are from different countries and work and travel restriction mean it’s really just impossible to get into the same country right now. We have whatsapp and Skype etc... we message most days but have not spoken properly for a few weeks. Sadly there’s just not much to talk about after all this time.

 

[judgejohndeed]

I tried, shortly before breaking down on Bar guy the other night. He changed the subject and said he didn’t want to feel more depressed. He’s not the easiest man to have tough conversations with.

I agree with the person above - I'm not sure why you're clinging onto this relationship having read some of these posts. He's far away, doesn't sound like he understands or is what you need. You've got someone at home who sounds understanding and wants to help you, why are you clinging to this person abroad? That's a genuine question not confrontation. I know it's hard to let go but it sounds like it's run its course and the relationship isn't what you need right now.

 

[Gertrude]

100%. My ex partner was cheating on me without protection. He gave me 3 STD’s. One of which I have for life. He also gave me chlamydia which scarred my Fallopian tubes... so I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died. My tube burst and I had to have it removed.

What an awful thing to go through. All of it

 

[MrsDoyle’sScones]

Honestly we are doing all we can to get into the same country, we’ve taken professional help, he’s asked to transfer out. Professional licensing is different to the UK and the lack of public healthcare mean that many foreign hospitals are on hiring freezes. It’s just not going to happen this year and there is nothing we can do about it which makes me crazy. I tried to be patient and accepting for as long as I could and then I snapped. Now I’m either at work, at the gym or with a man. I can’t bare to be alone, I can’t eat or sleep properly when I am. Most of my friends are coupled up, with new babies, moving out of the city or still distancing as much as possible. This doesn’t feel like a dilemma for a zoom call to them.
I have thought about telling him/how to tell him but if it has to come out I’d rather do it in person.
I was with the guy from the bar today and had a moment where I felt like I’d rather just be home alone with tea and a book. Maybe this could just be a terrible phase after all.
And again, thank you everyone, you really are helping to bring some clarity to this.

I think you’re having an issue between your current situation and what your ideal situation would be, which often results in depressive thoughts because you’re not able to attain the ideal.

As someone who’s also “gone off the rails” at one point in my life, I genuinely believe that sometimes we all have to go on a journey to understand ourselves and grow. Forgetting social rules/monogamy for the moment, I think by having your affairs, you’re exploring yourself. Perhaps question whether it’s fake happiness, or whether this is a new chapter in your life you’d like to pursue. Sometimes you need to go with the motions and decide what is best for you by choosing an alternative/rebellious route, to then revert back to your original path if that’s what you need.

Remember that we aren’t all perfect and there’s not one way of dealing with stress. Don’t beat yourself up, just think logically about what you genuinely want.

 

[Base2019]

I don’t mean to sound horrible but it’s not a case of him not being easy to have tough conversations with.. he deserves to know. I also find it terrible that you tried to have this conversation with him and as it failed went round to see bar guy. Sorry if this comes across as harsh but as someone said, If this was a guy doing this stuff they would be slated

 

[judgejohndeed]

Just a point I don't think I've seen anyone else make - I would tell him first and foremost because there is really no point in either of you trying to move heaven and earth to get to the same place if you are then going to split up. You sound relatively settled in your respective countries and it would be awful and distressing for either of you to have to disrupt your life to move elsewhere, only to then split up and be kind of astray in another place you didn't really want to be in. I think if I were your partner I would probably try to forgive this as it sounds like you're having a really hard time right now and your communication isn't great, so it's not like a normal cheating scenario at all.

 

[Laur91]

I will stand by my point, if there was a chance she had slipped up and caught something, that is JUST as important and should be addressed as priority. For herself and everyone she sleeps with from here on in. You can’t mess with another persons health like that.
anyway I rest my case.
@Markle Debarkle I hope things are improving for you.

You’ve quoted my comment but it had nothing to do with sexually transmitted infections or disease so I’m not sure why you need to stand by your point. You seem really hung up on this point maybe for your own reasons but I can’t even see anything from the OPs post where she said she didn’t use protection. I thought I even saw her reply saying she had been careful so surely that settles it?

 

[Freebies_come2me]

100%. My ex partner was cheating on me without protection. He gave me 3 STD’s. One of which I have for life. He also gave me chlamydia which scarred my Fallopian tubes... so I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died. My tube burst and I had to have it removed.

I also haven’t had sex for years since what he did to me because I have to disclose to the next guy what he’s given me. So much shame.

So yeah, my sexual health is royally fucked for the rest of my life because of his selfish behavior.

He also gave the same excuse. That he couldn’t be alone.

Fuck cheaters.

I am so so so sorry to hear this happened, wishing you all the best

 

[Laur91]

In an odd way I feel like your relationship is the least of your concerns right now, the cheating and affairs is just the way that your struggles are manifesting themselves. Stop thinking so much about the cheating and the other men etc and look a little deeper.

it’s clearly more about how you’re feeling and your mental health right now, it’s awful you’re dreading time off because you will be alone and can’t see anyone etc. Even if that’s due to Covid is there no one you can form a bubble with as you live alone? No friends or family nearby at all? If you’re sleeping with random men though I assume that’s not a concern as you’re meeting them in person still.

making friends and having a support system to help you with these hard times is so important, start looking into counselling and focus on getting better.

 

[Milliehaha123]

The affairs are definitely concerning but I think it’s more telling that you and your partner haven’t spoken for a few weeks? Is this still a functioning, supportive, loving relationship? Lack of intimacy is one thing but it sounds as though you’re having a total communication breakdown. I’m sorry if this seems harsh and I honestly don’t mean it to - I would be seriously thinking about whether the relationship is worth saving at this point. Like Betty has said - surely there must be something that you can do to live together? I know I would do everything I could to stick with my partner, no job comes before a life long relationship IMO. Either way, best of luck to you and I’m sure you’ll work it out x

 

[Oohthedrama]

100%. My ex partner was cheating on me without protection. He gave me 3 STD’s. One of which I have for life. He also gave me chlamydia which scarred my Fallopian tubes... so I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died. My tube burst and I had to have it removed.

I also haven’t had sex for years since what he did to me because I have to disclose to the next guy what he’s given me. So much shame.

So yeah, my sexual health is royally fucked for the rest of my life because of his selfish behavior.

He also gave the same excuse. That he couldn’t be alone.

Fuck cheaters.

Nothing about the first post suggested protection was priority, I understand the OP has cleared that up and actually took my post in the manner it was intended, as someone working in healthcare I’m glad she answered as she did and didn't seem offended,
But if you’re reading that post and not worried about the medical fall out and not just the emotional I don’t understand that way of thinking.

 

[Bae56]

Things may be better when you can join your partner abroad. It must feel like your relationship is on pause to some degree.
Sometimes absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder, out of sight out of mind.

If you stay with your partner & are treated well your conscience will likely kick in & you'll feel some guilt. It's natural, as hard as it may be.
Once you're properly with your partner you'll know how you truly feel. Of course you can come back from it, you're just in unusual territory at the moment. These men are filling a void, will that void always be there if you remain in your relationship?
I can't give much advice but if you can foresee the guilt becoming too much then it might be a good idea to put the brakes on.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’ve been faithful for the 15 years we’ve been together. Up until two weeks ago I was never even tempted. We hoped I’d find work as the spousal immigration process would take even longer and I can’t go there without a job or a visa. Sadly now no one is hiring and we don’t have any real options to get him back to the UK either as his industry is taking a huge hit. He just needs to hang on to his job and ride this epidemic out before we can consider moving.

I’m surprised that if you work in a hospital you can’t find work at the moment. In that case start the spousal visa asap.
The issue is the longer you carry on doing what you are doing the more numb you will become and the chances are that it might repeat in the future.
If all else fails go see a councellor to talk it through

 

[Markle Debarkle]

@CarrieW24 whilst that was my initial reaction too, I don’t think I can put this thing out online and expect only kind responses. Most, if not everyone has some experience of cheating or being cheated on and I doubt it’s a good experience.
Most of what people have said has been really good advice or just things I needed to hear. Not so sure about the person comparing seeing her husband once a week and not cheating to my situation. That stung a little as I’d probably chew my arm off if it meant I got to see my partner once a month, god knows if that were the case I wouldn’t be doing what I’m doing. But yeah, I don’t think you can ask the internet for advice and expect to like all of it.

 

[Beansprout]

Can say from personably experience in my teen years that sleeping with random men and cheating to cope with any sort of emotion will haunt you for the rest of your life, the shame will eat you alive even years after you overcome it. Get your husband back or go over for a few months, or leave him and find happiness in yourself. Xx

 

[Markle Debarkle]

Have you considered talking to your husband about what’s been going on? Sorry it seems a little unfair to me that he has no idea...

Not even the cheating, but considered telling him you’re struggling with the relationship and being apart right now, so you’re getting some counselling?

I tried, shortly before breaking down on Bar guy the other night. He changed the subject and said he didn’t want to feel more depressed. He’s not the easiest man to have tough conversations with.

 

[Mfranks]

What if he's having affairs, or living the single life too? It might be better if you speak with him about the relationship first, and how is he feeling about it. If neither of you want to make the effort, and both of you are seeing other people, the conversation may need to be had to finish the relationship.

If hes not doing the same, and being committed - I dont think he deserves to be treated this way & I think you should come clean. He has a right to make a decision on the person he's going to spend his life (potentially) with.

If the relationship ends, would you be that upset or would it be a weight lifted?

Also, you don't need to put yourself through this, the guilt must be awful. You can have a decent relationship (if you need / want one) with someone in your own country, and him with someone in his.

I hope you do whats right for both of you x

 

[Laur91]

Stop shagging random men. Get help; you are acting out as a way of trying to deal with everything that’s going on in your life. You need the help of a professional.
do you still love your husband and want to be with him, have a life with him? Be honest. If yes, then you both find a way to be together- fuck work or visas or Covid. Fuck it all - he can come home and get a job in Tesco, it’s not important - being together should be the priority.
but stop shagging random guys. It’s going to cause more emotional damage than is already in play.

I second this (as I do most of your posts Betty )

To the OP:
it’s actually quite simple really but I’m of the mindset that if you actually loved someone, like truly loved them, then you wouldn’t have slept with other men. I feel like your behaviour said it all really and should give you a true idea of how you feel about your husband. In reality, if you were struggling with coping from work then running to your partner for support would’ve been my first port of call but you did the opposite and ran to other men.

I think you need to accept that you’ve done the wrong thing and think about whether your husband deserves this at all. I feel as though if you’ve been apart from 2 years then that says a lot, pre-Covid what stopped you from seeing each other? If you’d wanted to make the effort then you would have I guess. :/