Cheating on my partner with two men.

[BigQueenEnergy]

“went to a bar, met a guy and spent the next two days at his place doing some pretty unspeakable things with him. Anyway, that continues and I feel powerless around him (in a good way, it’s so hot).”

And you’re outraged I said to get tested, she’s in theory sleeping with 3 men, I’m shocked nobody else asked has she been careful or kept her sexual health in mind, we’re not kids, you can make one mistake and screw up your whole life, I don’t really give a fuck if someone is randomly shagging 5 people a night, but look after yourself and the people you’re hooking up with,
If you’re offended I said this I don’t know what to say to you, I stand by what I post.

100%. My ex partner was cheating on me without protection. He gave me 3 STD’s. One of which I have for life. He also gave me chlamydia which scarred my Fallopian tubes... so I ended up having an ectopic pregnancy and nearly died. My tube burst and I had to have it removed.

I also haven’t had sex for years since what he did to me because I have to disclose to the next guy what he’s given me. So much shame.

So yeah, my sexual health is royally fucked for the rest of my life because of his selfish behavior.

He also gave the same excuse. That he couldn’t be alone.

Fuck cheaters.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Stop shagging random men. Get help; you are acting out as a way of trying to deal with everything that’s going on in your life. You need the help of a professional.
do you still love your husband and want to be with him, have a life with him? Be honest. If yes, then you both find a way to be together- fuck work or visas or Covid. Fuck it all - he can come home and get a job in Tesco, it’s not important - being together should be the priority.
but stop shagging random guys. It’s going to cause more emotional damage than is already in play.

 

[Mycuppatea]

You're not a demon. You're just a normal person who reacted to terrible and abnormal events in a way that has shocked and saddened you. Few of us are the people we hope to be in a crisis situation and it sounds like you snapped under intense pressure. So please don't be do cruel to yourself or feel you've done something so dreadful you can't talk about it in therapy. I'm a really conservative catholic who has kept all the teachings of my church for decades and if I'm not shocked and horrified, I seriously doubt a counsellor would be. I think a good counsellor can help you find a way forward that helps you reconnect with who you truly know yourself to be and make a plan for how to handle things with your partner. I'm sorry life was so very hard and you had no support to help you. Life really can get better for you but it will take time and support I think.

 

[Meh]

This is an intense thread.

Just out of interest... I wonder what some of the people on this threads view have been if the OP was a male admitting to shagging multiple women behind his partner/wife’s back? don’t think everyone would be as understanding.

OP has had some really sound advice and truly I hope things work out for you.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Believe it or not, being completely uncompromising on protection is about the only moral high ground I can claim right now. I’m also kind of paranoid so will probably also get tested.

I respect how open you are about how fucked up this all is I don’t know what the future holds but you’ll be ok we all fuck up, we’re human,
Just set yourself a lockdown on this,
Make a choice to leave it in October? Leave it in November
but you need to draw a line, realise you’ve hit a kind of rock bottom, and it’s now time to get out of it,

forget the men involved, leave all 3 if necessary, make choices for you. This isn’t it, you deserve better.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Take the leap and move abroad to be with your partner. Even if you can’t find a job.

But if you feel that even being with your oartner won’t stop your behaviour then the best thing to do would be to breakup with him.

 

[Lulu Goss]

Get yourself tested.... it doesn’t sound like protection has been priority.
guy one sounds like a scank.

How do you know she hasn’t used protection? Bit of an assumption to make.

 

[Oohthedrama]

This is unfair on the OP to lay all of that on her. Shame a moderator is doing this! Where do I report that? I'm so uncomfortable right now.

Her sexual health is none of your business, you don't need to worry about it. First thing that also jumped at me is that she could potentially transmit stds to her partner (which is why I originally liked your post) but I didn't say it because she's not looking for health advice, and later she explained she did use protection (not that any of us were owed an explanation). She was looking for a room to scream in. We should all be allowed a space with no judgement to just let go and scream/tell our truth. Isn't this why we're anonymous online?

To the other poster who got stds from her partner: whilst I deeply sympathise with you for your pain, I again feel like it was unfair to lay that on the OP. She didn't cheat on you, your partner did. Did you watch the thread to give her advice or were you just waiting for a moment to strike?

I respectfully ask you to grow up,
This is a gossip site....
with an advice forum, not a support network, nobody here is giving advice in a professional capacity and nor should they be expected to do so,
The original poster admitted to shagging two men, and I quote......

met a guy and spent the next two days at his place doing some pretty unspeakable things with him. Anyway, that continues and I feel powerless around him (in a good way, it’s so hot).
On top of that I met a guy at the gym

so no I’m not going to wrap it up in pretty ribbon. I don’t give a flying fuck who’s shagging who, where or when, but get tested.
I stand by that post. Get tested, then unwrap the rest of this mess.
I’m not even going to respond to the rest of this comment
“She was looking for a room to scream in. We should all be allowed a space with no judgement to just let go and scream/tell our truth” not going there today

hit report on this post and allow admin to put me on the naughty step if necessary.
I won’t deal with this level of snowflakedom, if you post a thread here you might not get the replies you want.

To the other poster who got stds from her partner: whilst I deeply sympathise with you for your pain, I again feel like it was unfair to lay that on the OP. She didn't cheat on you, your partner did. Did you watch the thread to give her advice or were you just waiting for a moment to strike?

how dare you, and how dare anyone who likes this attack on two members, long standing members who have been on this site for quite a while really support this? No problem with you calling me out, honestly don’t care but this woman? After what she shared?
Mind blown. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
@BigQueenEnergy you should really report that post to admin

Believe it or not, being completely uncompromising on protection is about the only moral high ground I can claim right now. I’m also kind of paranoid so will probably also get tested.

I respect how open you are about how fucked up this all is I don’t know what the future holds but you’ll be ok we all fuck up, we’re human, but you need to draw a line, realise you’ve hit a kind of rock bottom, and it’s now time to get out of it, forget the men involved, leave all 3 if necessary, make choices for you. This isn’t it, you deserve better.

while we’re here let’s just recap the reply’s, WITH the original poster. You know, just for the laugh.

In an odd way I feel like your relationship is the least of your concerns right now,

I couldn’t agree with this more. I feel that people are focused too much on what you are doing, rather than the why. Trying to fix the symptoms rather than the cause, so to speak.

I will stand by my point, if there was a chance she had slipped up and caught something, that is JUST as important and should be addressed as priority. For herself and everyone she sleeps with from here on in. You can’t mess with another persons health like that.
anyway I rest my case.
@Markle Debarkle I hope things are improving for you.

 

[Markle Debarkle]

Get yourself tested.... it doesn’t sound like protection has been priority.
guy one sounds like a scank.

the rest, you know what you need to do, you’re playing with 3 men, at least one of them deserves the truth. Don’t make any decisions until all your cards are on the table.

Believe it or not, being completely uncompromising on protection is about the only moral high ground I can claim right now. I’m also kind of paranoid so will probably also get tested.

 

[CarrieW24]

This is unfair on the OP to lay all of that on her. Shame a moderator is doing this! Where do I report that? I'm so uncomfortable right now.

Her sexual health is none of your business, you don't need to worry about it. First thing that also jumped at me is that she could potentially transmit stds to her partner (which is why I originally liked your post) but I didn't say it because she's not looking for health advice, and later she explained she did use protection (not that any of us were owed an explanation). She was looking for a room to scream in. We should all be allowed a space with no judgement to just let go and scream/tell our truth. Isn't this why we're anonymous online?

To the other poster who got stds from her partner: whilst I deeply sympathise with you for your pain, I again feel like it was unfair to lay that on the OP. She didn't cheat on you, your partner did. Did you watch the thread to give her advice or were you just waiting for a moment to strike?

 

[BettyCrocker]

You’ve been living a separate life from your husband for 2 years with no intention of that changing anytime soon. It’s not a marriage. I can tell you this - under no circumstances would I ever be apart from my husband for that length of time. It just wouldn’t happen. Shagging various other men is a symptom of the fact that your relationship with your husband is over - you’ve crossed that line with seemingly reckless abandon and now you are talking like this “bar guy” is some knight in shining armour who has stepped in to rescue you. Sorry but give your head a wobble. Tell your husband that you’ve been having affairs, be honest and end it with him and then you can do whatever you want but this carry on is pretty out of order. What’s the point in this marriage? You live separate lives in separate countries and you’ve been unfaithful with more than 1 person. It’s pointless.

 

[Base2019]

I understand that you are going through a difficult time right now but I don’t honestly think that is a valid excuse for cheating on your husband with two men you need to be upfront and honest with your husband. You will never be able to rebuild the relationship with your husband fully if you are riddled with guilt - which you will be if you keep this from him.

I see my husband at weekends only due to work and sometimes he even has to work some of those weekends, meaning I could possibly only see him for a couple of days in one month. We are together 10 years. I would never dream of cheating on him because I felt lonely or down with our working arrangements because I love him. If you really love someone you don’t cheat in my opinion. Sorry if that sounds very harsh but I am being honest.

I hope it all works out for you xxx

 

[Markle Debarkle]

Hi @Markle Debarkle - just wondering if there's any updates? Have you decided what you're going to do?

Maybe the new lockdown will be the best thing for you - time away from the two other men to really focus on what it is about your partner that you love?

Hey, so getting a little help from an unlikely source. I ended things with gym guy then had a little, sorry, massive cry the other night at the bar guys house. I ended up telling him everything and he was incredibly sweet. Turns out he works in mental health with the military and he has referred me to a civilian colleague. We are scheduling an online counseling appointment. Bar guy has been unbelievably supportive. I’m not optimistic yet but it’s a start I think.

 

[Jmx]

I’m not even sure OP is married? I haven’t noticed her saying ‘husband’. Either way, I’m surprised at the comments and the lack of people telling her to tell the main man in her life what she’s been up to. I definitely think if she wants to remain with him, he deserves the right to know and then make his own mind up.

 

[WilmaHun]

Personally I think you need to tell your husband what has happened. That would absolutely be my first step. Think how terrible you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and he didn't tell you. I think just as a matter of respect you need to tell him.
I also think you need to tell the other men your situation so they're not lead along.
I also think that you should be considering whether you actually see your relationship with your other half going anywhere in the future, or do you feel that you have reached a dead end? If you see it going somewhere, tell him, apologise, do everything you can to kickstart the relationship again. Work at it, like you've never worked at it before. Move to be with him, or ask him to move back and take any job he can get. If you want eachother that much you'll sacrifice little things like jobs, heirachy etc.
If you see this as a sign that the relationship is over, then again, tell him, apologise and explain it's for the best you go your separate ways.

You're not a demon, and you're not a horrible person you've just reacted to a situation and maybe gone off the rails a bit. But you do have time to put this right.

 

[Bitofthebubbly]

It sounds like you are suffering from trauma and this is how you are coping. Do not be too hard on yourself, it’s been a hell of a year for everyone. Working in a hospital you will have seen things this year that many of us could never imagine. You are not a ‘demon’ but this isn’t healthy for you, your partner or the other men you are involved with. It’s going to get to a point where you won’t be able to keep up with the lies any longer and something will have to give.

I’ve never been in this situation so I might be way off here but the first thing I would do is end things with these men and detox from them, block them on everything and delete their numbers - you can even explain why if that will feel better. You’re not going to be able to get your head straight whilst you’re messing around with random men and being dishonest to your partner. It’s going to fuck you up mentally even more in the long run.

Second thing I’d do is try to reconnect with your partner again. Is he available to video chat with you often? Maybe setting a certain day and time every week to do that would give you something to look forward to. Failing that, maybe you could email or even WhatsApp. I don’t think anything can make up for being physically close to your partner (not just sexually), but we are lucky these days that we have so many means of communicating with people no matter where they are in the world, long distance is still hard but it’s easier than ever in a way too.

It sounds twee but be kind to yourself. Self hatred won’t change anything but taking action to improve the situation will.

 

[BigQueenEnergy]

This is unfair on the OP to lay all of that on her. Shame a moderator is doing this! Where do I report that? I'm so uncomfortable right now.

Her sexual health is none of your business, you don't need to worry about it. First thing that also jumped at me is that she could potentially transmit stds to her partner (which is why I originally liked your post) but I didn't say it because she's not looking for health advice, and later she explained she did use protection (not that any of us were owed an explanation). She was looking for a room to scream in. We should all be allowed a space with no judgement to just let go and scream/tell our truth. Isn't this why we're anonymous online?

To the other poster who got stds from her partner: whilst I deeply sympathise with you for your pain, I again feel like it was unfair to lay that on the OP. She didn't cheat on you, your partner did. Did you watch the thread to give her advice or were you just waiting for a moment to strike?

Did I say anything about OP? I was talking about cheaters who don't use protection. RELAX.

I asked OP why she is scared of being alone because I think that's the issue here.

Whether you like it or not, cheating ruins lives. Good on OP for wanting to fix it, but there's also the other person who can potentially have their life destroyed. It's not wrong to look at both sides of cheating which is why I shared my story. I didn't lay anything on OP.

So sorry to OP if I made her upset. I'm sure she knows what she's doing is wrong.

 

[Markle Debarkle]

So, the short of it is, I’m having an affair. Two actually. I don’t want to end them yet, I don’t want to tell my partner but I feel like something has snapped in me and this is my way of going a little mad for a while. I don’t want to make excuses, I’m a horrible person for this. But is there a way back?
The longer story (and the excuses I didn’t want to make) is that my partner and I have been living separately for two years after he changed jobs and moved abroad. I’m supposed to join him but so far haven't been able to find a job where he is and because of covid I have not even seen him for over a year. I was also moved to my hospitals icu for the worst of the outbreak and I think it may have affected me a little more than I thought. It was brutal and so many people died and I live alone and I’m so sick of being lonely. Anyway, a few weeks ago I think I had a bit of a breakdown. The unfairness of everything was overwhelming and all I could do was cry and literally scream and punch things. Afterwards I was exhausted and stayed in bed for a week and barely ate or slept, just stared at the wall.
Then it was like a switch flicked off and I got up and showered, dressed, put on some makeup, went to a bar, met a guy and spent the next two days at his place doing some pretty unspeakable things with him. Anyway, that continues and I feel powerless around him (in a good way, it’s so hot). On top of that I met a guy at the gym who takes me on lovely dates, buys me flowers and is fully romantic and wonderful. I have no real feelings towards either of them and I find I’m literally able to not even think about my partner.
None of these men deserve what I’m doing to them and I feel like the kind, happy, compassionate professional that was dedicated to her job and her partner is gone and had been replaced by this demon. I worry about what a second lock down might bring.
I get that therapy would be the real solution here but I’m not sure I could face the shame of admitting to all this face to face with a real person. Also expensive.
So really, has anyone else gone off the rails for a while? How did you begin to fix it? I’m scared that if my conscience ever returns, the guilt of this may kill me.

 

[Oohthedrama]

How do you know she hasn’t used protection? Bit of an assumption to make.

“went to a bar, met a guy and spent the next two days at his place doing some pretty unspeakable things with him. Anyway, that continues and I feel powerless around him (in a good way, it’s so hot).”

And you’re outraged I said to get tested, she’s in theory sleeping with 3 men, I’m shocked nobody else asked has she been careful or kept her sexual health in mind, we’re not kids, you can make one mistake and screw up your whole life, I don’t really give a fuck if someone is randomly shagging 5 people a night, but look after yourself and the people you’re hooking up with,
If you’re offended I said this I don’t know what to say to you, I stand by what I post.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Get yourself tested.... it doesn’t sound like protection has been priority.
guy one sounds like a scank.

the rest, you know what you need to do, you’re playing with 3 men, at least one of them deserves the truth. Don’t make any decisions until all your cards are on the table.