BPD and Relationships

Pink blancmange · Apr 15, 2021

Does anyone with BPD really struggle with relationships? I've recently been back in touch with a ex. We didn't have a bad break up, circumstances just didn't allow us to be together previously.
We're back at the 'talking stage' and I can't cope with it. My feelings and emotions are either full on or not there at all, I don't have a middle ground. As we have history, all my feelings have come back, very strongly. I'm trying to accept that we may become an item but I can't stand the insecurity of not actually knowing and then I feel like I push him away even though all I want is for us to be closer. It's so hard

LaurieLaurie · Apr 15, 2021

I know it’s easier said than done but just chill. Take your time to respond and think before you do reply so that you aren’t saying anything you might regret and go with the flow. If you aren’t in the mood and fear messing it up just step back.

When I’m not in the mood for someone I will say ‘I’m spending time doing XYZ... Enjoy your day/night’ or ‘I’m having an early night. Goodnight’.

Just go out and live your life and don’t focus on him. If it works out then it does if not then oh well.

Gimmethegossipgirl · Apr 15, 2021

Pink blancmange said:
Does anyone with BPD really struggle with relationships? I've recently been back in touch with a ex. We didn't have a bad break up, circumstances just didn't allow us to be together previously.
We're back at the 'talking stage' and I can't cope with it. My feelings and emotions are either full on or not there at all, I don't have a middle ground. As we have history, all my feelings have come back, very strongly. I'm trying to accept that we may become an item but I can't stand the insecurity of not actually knowing and then I feel like I push him away even though all I want is for us to be closer. It's so hard

Do they know about your diagnosis? Lots of people don’t always know or understand the intense fluctuation of emotions from those with BPD/EUPD and can find it a little hard or confusing (totally not yours/anyone’s fault) as it’s a v complex MH issue. Would it help to be honest with them about your feelings and expectations?

rainbowlemon · Apr 15, 2021

I'm 29 and also have BPD. Relationships/ people in general can still be a trigger for me, but I feel like I've made a so much progress from where I was when I first started therapy 4 years ago and I was not diagnosed. Somethings that I think would be helpful for you :

1) Learning to identify your emotions and calm yourself down when you're distressed. I had to learn how to self sooth without instinctively resorting to self harm. For me a soft blanket, scented candles and hot tea help. I would really recommend this book for teaching you the basics- I started with a chart with cartoon faces to identify exactly what I was feeling.

The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook: Practical DBT Exercises for Learning Mindfulness, Interpersonal Effectiveness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance
by Matthew McKay and Jeffrey C. Wood

2) The other person would become my everything and my world revolved around them. The disorder is characterized by not having a fixed self. It was all about doing whatever made them happy. It took a long time to work out who I really was and taking space away from that person really did help. Maybe just for now try to limit contact to set times and not all day everyday . Journaling is super good for getting to know yourself and you can see the small ways you've changed when you look back.

4) I read and watched everything I could about BPD. Another book I liked is called "I hate you don't leave me" and the documentary "back from the beyond" which you can watch on youtube is free to watch.

4) Are you in therapy or on medication? I saw my London therapist on a discount as I was a student. Lots of others do also offer this if they have the space. You don't have to do therapy every week too. My sister goes every two weeks.