Bf issue am I being too much?

[DeathToCovid]

Bf and I have been together 3 years with a 2 month break in that time. We don’t live together.

Recently, he’s been having a really hard time work related and lost out on a promotion, he’s very depressed and down about this, which I truly get. I have some anxiety and overthinking related issues. When he feels down he tends to retreat into himself a lot, when that happens his communication with me reduces and I can feel the weird energy vibes from him which in turn starts my overthinking and anxiety off and whilst I know it’s not because of me I tend to worry a lot, and then I reassurance seek from him that we’re ok and this really seems to annoy him.

I tried to explain today that I just need a little bit of reassurance each day but it turned into a huge argument where he couldn’t understand why I can’t just accept everything is ok like he’s said. I do tend to ask if he’s sure there is nothing else wrong and he doesn’t like that he says it implies I don’t believe him.

Do you think I’m being a really awful person? I don’t mean to be and id like an outsiders perspective. I’m in therapy currently.

 

[candyland_]

You’re not being awful at all.
I’ve been in your position so many times in my own relationship and it’s incredibly hard.

Mine also missed out on a work promotion last year and it was like the world had ended for him and as usual I had to wait for him to work through it.

I find it’s best to just give them space but make sure you take care of yourself too.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Reassurance every day? That is a bit much.

Hes going through something, and his communication or lack of, is setting off your anxiety.

You both need to communicate better, understand each others place and compromise.

 

[candyland_]

I don’t think they expect reassurance everyday.

It’s hard unless you’ve been through it.. They push you into oblivion, you have no idea how they will be with you from one day to the next or how long it’s going to last. You’re expected to back off and then bounce right back once they are over whatever problem is upsetting them this time. It’s horrible.

 

[DreamTeam84]

You are an emotional person. He is logical.

He’s trying to logic seek from you and you’re trying to emotion seek from him.

That doesn’t work and is what’s causing the conflict.

However, it’s easily solved.

the good/bad news is that he will need to make the change, albeit only a slight one.

Do you happen to know your love language? If not, Google the love language test and take it (free).

Then come back here and share your top love language and I’ll give you a couple of ideas for the solution.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I don’t think they expect reassurance everyday.

It’s hard unless you’ve been through it.. They push you into oblivion, you have no idea how they will be with you from one day to the next or how long it’s going to last. You’re expected to back off and then bounce right back once they are over whatever problem is upsetting them this time. It’s horrible.

The poster said every day - may not have meant it literally though.

It is horrible, but from either side - wanting to shut off and being asked repeatedly if theyre ok/is it me etc. Its no wonder there is conflict with two opposing coping methods.

 

[Sir John Elton]

I can relate to this , but reversed that I retreat in and my ex wanted reassurance all
The time. It didn’t work out for us , just caused too many arguments if I am honest . Best of luck and hopefully you can work it out, but your post has given me lots of flashbacks of terrible arguments and I really have no advice for you but know how hard it can be.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I don’t think you’re an awful person, no. Some people just need a lot of reassurance. Could be due to a number of things. I was the same at the beginning of my relationship with my partner. It used to absolutely do his head in cos he is the opposite and doesn’t need any reassurance.

it got to a point where I just opened up to him and told him why I needed all that reassurance and luckily he understood and let his guard down to me and gave me that reassurance. Not so much everyday but when he could tell I was a bit on edge he would reassure me. Gradually I got used to what we had and I began to need it less and less, cos he had started giving me some, knowing i needed it. Now I don’t need it at all really. I hope this makes sense

also my partner was made redundant a few months ago and he was awfully depressed afterwards. I didn’t know what to do or say and I felt like I needed to be reassured he was okay with me cos he was so down all the time, I felt like maybe it was towards me, and I guess that was selfish but honestly sometimes you just don’t know. We spoke about and again he reassured me he wasn’t so depressed cos of me. And I reassured him I’d be there for him whilst he sorted his job problems out

communication is key in a relationship

 

[judgejohndeed]

Personally I think if you feel you need reassurance every day, something in the relationship more widely is off. That's not to judge you for feeling that way - I understand that need. But to me that indicates your needs aren't really being met. You're not an awful person for feeling that way. One of my exes was the same with depression and seemed to think him having a MH condition meant he could totally ignore the impact it had on me when he was in one of these days long funny moods and barely speaking to me. Being with someone who has MH issues is hard. You mentioned you're in therapy, is he doing anything similar to sort his issues? It's really not fair for him to just accept behaving this way to you and using MH as an excuse IMO.

 

[wingingitthroughlife]

Of course you’re not an awful person

Needy, emotional people will struggle to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand their need for constant reassurance

 

[Mycatoliver]

It sounds like you’re not compatible
Why be with someone who can’t give you want you need in a relationship?
he might be a great person but that doesn’t mean he’s great in a relationship with you.
It shouldn’t be so much of a struggle and make you unhappy to be in this relationship

 

[katyazamo]

It is tough and I've been with someone similar. If he was down or going through a bad period, he'd turn argumentative and snappy which would suck all air out of the room and set my own anxiety off. What is your partner doing to address his mental health issues? Is he in therapy too? Ultimately you're working with what you've been given and if he retreats for days on end and withdraws communication, you're going to become panicky and anxious no matter what.

It's true that we often take things out on the people we love, but it doesn't need to be that way. He needs to sort out how he's feeling and work on his communication, because it's not fair to block you off. People are only human and have their problems but you have to work through it together as a team, and it doesn't seem like that's happening right now.

 

[Mycatoliver]

With the right person you won’t be needy

 

[Cindy-Lou Who]

My husband and I are the complete opposite when it comes to stuff like this. I retreat, always have done. He is the worrier.

I have no idea why but I'm always the one to look after others and put my feelings aside. I then end up at breaking point where I have to take myself away from situations for a while or break contact with people so I can deal with my tit on my own. My husband will tell every single person he comes into contact with what's going on with his day, if he's having a good or bad time at work etc.

My husband can tell when something isn't right without me opening my mouth. He gives me space, takes over with the kids and the house until I've had enough time to process my thoughts. I return that support to him by being his sounding board and offering him advice when he's asking for it.

Opposites can work really well and you can compliment each other but you need to get the balance right first. You need to listen to each other so in the future you can be on the same page when one of you are struggling.

Relationships are hard, especially events can throw a curveball. This could be the first time you've seen your boyfriend like this so you're both learning what this means.
Just be there for him, try to get him to seek help and then help him through the process. You're already going through a similar process by having a therapist so you can offer him advice and help if he is anxious about speaking to someone openly about his feelings. You can give him first hand knowledge of how helpful it is to speak to someone who doesn't know you and isn't going to judge.

By him letting you be there for him, that will be his way of giving you that reassurance.