Anyone gone no contact with a family member?

[Prince fan 1999]

Very long story but not spoken to my brother in almost a year and previously to that contact has been very sporadic. I hate how it's made my mum feel as she doesn't need this. We lost our dad last year to cancer aged 64. Previous to this he's pretty much made my parents life hell,moreso my dad. Around 12 years ago they borrowed alot of money(13 grand which was my dad's redundancy money) and only paid around £300 back. Just before my dad passed they wanted more money to get a second hand car. My dad was in alot of pain and they ended up slamming the phone down on him when they didn't want to hear that he wouldn't lend any more money. My dad was in tears telling me and basically stressed and upset my dad so much at the end of his life. I told him some home truths in a text almost a year ago. Which he didn't like but it was the truth. A couple of months ago I sent a friend request in the hope of trying to be civil for mums sake but I've been blocked. Facebook messages were our only way of communicating.
What should I do? Think that's it,he's toxic or should I push things? Just trying to make some effort for mums sake really.

 

[Swipeuplikeandshare]

Just because he is your blood you don’t need to have him In your life
He adds nothing to it but adds distress
If he doesn’t see it in himself that is his problem not yours xx

 

[HelloStereo]

Very long story but not spoken to my brother in almost a year and previously to that contact has been very sporadic. I hate how it's made my mum feel as she doesn't need this. We lost our dad last year to cancer aged 64. Previous to this he's pretty much made my parents life hell,moreso my dad. Around 12 years ago they borrowed alot of money(13 grand which was my dad's redundancy money) and only paid around £300 back. Just before my dad passed they wanted more money to get a second hand car. My dad was in alot of pain and they ended up slamming the phone down on him when they didn't want to hear that he wouldn't lend any more money. My dad was in tears telling me and basically stressed and upset my dad so much at the end of his life. I told him some home truths in a text almost a year ago. Which he didn't like but it was the truth. A couple of months ago I sent a friend request in the hope of trying to be civil for mums sake but I've been blocked. Facebook messages were our only way of communicating.
What should I do? Think that's it,he's toxic or should I push things? Just trying to make some effort for mums sake really.

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your dad and how your brother treated him towards the end of his life.

Is your mum still in contact with your brother? If so, is it worth her talking to him?

To be honest though, your brother does sound rather selfish and thinks nothing of how he treats others. Do you really want him in your life, or do you just want to be civil for the sake of family? Even if you don't talk to each other if he is still coming to family events you can just be cordial or keep your distance?

 

[Prince fan 1999]

First of all, I am sorry to hear about your dad and how your brother treated him towards the end of his life.

Is your mum still in contact with your brother? If so, is it worth her talking to him?

To be honest though, your brother does sound rather selfish and thinks nothing of how he treats others. Do you really want him in your life, or do you just want to be civil for the sake of family? Even if you don't talk to each other if he is still coming to family events you can just be cordial or keep your distance?

The being cordial was kind of what I'm after. I don't want things to be awkward if we need to meet up. Things were ok as much as they could be at my dad's funeral,then we had arranged to see them at my mum's the day after the funeral before we all went home. They live an hour and a half away,us almost 4 hours away but they left,taking my dad's car,which my mum felt pressured to give them. After everything that had happened,I didn't thing they deserved it . My mum still speaks regularly to him, although it's always her calling him. I'm just worried as my mum gets older,we'd need to speak to eachother if anything happens and I can't

 

[HelloStereo]

The being cordial was kind of what I'm after. I don't want things to be awkward if we need to meet up. Things were ok as much as they could be at my dad's funeral,then we had arranged to see them at my mum's the day after the funeral before we all went home. They live an hour and a half away,us almost 4 hours away but they left,taking my dad's car,which my mum felt pressured to give them. After everything that had happened,I didn't thing they deserved it . My mum still speaks regularly to him, although it's always her calling him. I'm just worried as my mum gets older,we'd need to speak to eachother if anything happens and I can't

Perhaps your mum could talk to him and just ask that you be cordial, especially as you say, if anything happens.

Your brother really doesn't sound nice at all and I don't think you need to extend an olive branch so to speak, but just have each other in your phone book for pratical reasons.

 

[Prince fan 1999]

My message to him last year,just after Christmas was initially thanking them for my daughter's Christmas present. Then my mum called him,chatted then asked if he wanted to speak to me,he grumpily said no (he was the same to my dad's sister when she was there and she could hear him saying it with a horrible tone). My mum after was really upset saying she felt pig in the middle. I messaged back saying how upset mum was and could he at least try and be civil for mums sake. That's when everything kicked off and maybe I said things I shouldn't have said but nothing that he didn't know. I dont think he was aware that I knew about them "borrowing" the redundancy money.

 

[HelloStereo]

My message to him last year,just after Christmas was initially thanking them for my daughter's Christmas present. Then my mum called him,chatted then asked if he wanted to speak to me,he grumpily said no (he was the same to my dad's sister when she was there and she could hear him saying it with a horrible tone). My mum after was really upset saying she felt pig in the middle. I messaged back saying how upset mum was and could he at least try and be civil for mums sake. That's when everything kicked off and maybe I said things I shouldn't have said but nothing that he didn't know. I dont think he was aware that I knew about them "borrowing" the redundancy money.

Do you think that he is holding a grudge for what you said to him after Christmas? If I had said things I didn't mean, I would own it and apologise for saying them, without expecting the other person to do the same.

However, I know from experience some people are quite narcissist and will ignore you until you apologise and push the entire blame on you and rid themselves of any responsibility. You only reacted to how he was acting, and he has acted poorly in the past and should face up to that. But do you think he ever would, or is he quite manipulative?

 

[Prince fan 1999]

Do you think that he is holding a grudge for what you said to him after Christmas? If I had said things I didn't mean, I would own it and apologise for saying them, without expecting the other person to do the same.

However, I know from experience some people are quite narcissist and will ignore you until you apologise and push the entire blame on you and rid themselves of any responsibility. You only reacted to how he was acting, and he has acted poorly in the past and should face up to that. But do you think he ever would, or is he quite manipulative?

No because things have been awkward for the last 10 years or so. But I'd say it's got worse the last 3 years or so.

Do you think that he is holding a grudge for what you said to him after Christmas? If I had said things I didn't mean, I would own it and apologise for saying them, without expecting the other person to do the same.

However, I know from experience some people are quite narcissist and will ignore you until you apologise and push the entire blame on you and rid themselves of any responsibility. You only reacted to how he was acting, and he has acted poorly in the past and should face up to that. But do you think he ever would, or is he quite manipulative?

Yes I do wonder if he has some narcissistic traits and wonder if it's a combination of him and his wife. They're extremely money oriented and like to give the impression they have more than they do. We are spending Christmas with mum as her support bubble so they will speak on the phone Christmas day and I don't want mum being upset again if he refuses to be civil again

 

[HelloStereo]

No because things have been awkward for the last 10 years or so. But I'd say it's got worse the last 3 years or so.

He doesn't sound like a good person, and your poor mum who feels loyalty towards him because he's her son! I understand sometimes you have to keep in touch with family members you don't necessarily like because of practical reasons though.

I'd honestly maybe send a text or message or letter or however else you can contact him just saying that you would like to be civil for practical reasons in case anything happens in the future, and if he would like that then to get in touch or something.

Then you know you have made the effort but it's in his court?

 

[Prince fan 1999]

He doesn't sound like a good person, and your poor mum who feels loyalty towards him because he's her son! I understand sometimes you have to keep in touch with family members you don't necessarily like because of practical reasons though.

I'd honestly maybe send a text or message or letter or however else you can contact him just saying that you would like to be civil for practical reasons in case anything happens in the future, and if he would like that then to get in touch or something.

Then you know you have made the effort but it's in his court?

Thank you. This had crossed my mind to do something like this. I think I'll send a Christmas card and at least I can say I've tried

 

[HelloStereo]

No because things have been awkward for the last 10 years or so. But I'd say it's got worse the last 3 years or so.


Yes I do wonder if he has some narcissistic traits and wonder if it's a combination of him and his wife. They're extremely money oriented and like to give the impression they have more than they do. We are spending Christmas with mum as her support bubble so they will speak on the phone Christmas day and I don't want mum being upset again if he refuses to be civil again

Imagine how empty someone's life must be that they care more about money and cars than they do about their own family members. I think he'll come to regret it in the end.

Thank you. This had crossed my mind to do something like this. I think I'll send a Christmas card and at least I can say I've tried

I think that's a nice idea . Even if your mum does not have a great relationship with her son, at least she has you . You sound like a lovely decent person!

 

[Missmadness]

I have a brother that I’ve cut off completely.The thing is ask yourself what does he bring to the family?sounds like he’s a tit.I wouldn’t bother with him.Dont worry about him.Enjoy you’re time with your mum and try and avoid mentioning him.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I honestly don’t think you need to apologise for what you said at Christmas if it’s the truth. Your brother sounds very selfish, to upset his parents like that because of money is just awful. Has he always behaved this way?

to be honest, most of my family don’t speak. I have spoken to my half sister (my dad’s child) since the day before Christmas Eve 2013. Simply put, she’s seven years older, has bullied and controlled me since I was a baby and is very sly. She kicked off that day because I refused to be at my dad’s (where she was living) for 8am Christmas Day because I didn’t want to leave my mum alone. She turned nasty, I told her a lot of truths (but I wasn’t nasty) and now neither her nor my dad have spoken to me since. My other older half sister also hasn’t spoken to me.

honestly you know, if your life is better off without, then it isn’t always a bad thing, my dad and my half sister always treated me like crap and it did feel like a weight had been lifted when they cut me off in a weird way.

if your brother isn’t prepared to change, then you shouldn’t have to try, he’s the one in the wrong, not you.

I do get that it’s different though when you have the same mum and dad. My mum has four sisters and they used to be civil when their parents were still alive, once Nan got dementia and grandad passed away, they let rip at each other and most haven’t spoken since, it’s sad, but there’s some nasty characters in that sibling group.

 

[Prince fan 1999]

Sad thing is also they have an 11 year old daughter. My 9 year old keeps talking about her and asking when she can see her again

 

[Raininvain]

From what you say I'd just sack him off completely OP and if something happens to your Mum than I would write regarding arrangements or do it all through a solicitor. I would also talk to your Mum about about making a will etc, so he doesn't come in and take the lot if anything happens to her. He sounds really awful, I wouldn't be even polite to him. I wouldn't be in his company at all.

 

[Prince fan 1999]

From what you say I'd just sack him off completely OP and if something happens to your Mum than I would write regarding arrangements or do it all through a solicitor. I would also talk to your Mum about about making a will etc, so he doesn't come in and take the lot if anything happens to her. He sounds really awful, I wouldn't be even polite to him. I wouldn't be in his company at all.

My dad spoke to me a couple of years ago re his will and making myself and brother executors. I said I'd rather my aunt instead of him which he was happy to do. Unfortunately he never got round to changing it There had been many times he said he was going to take brother out of the will altogether.

Well I've written the card. Will think for a couple of days before I post.

 

[Annie101]

I stopped speaking to my sister about 10 years ago. She moved to the same city as me and I reached out and we started speaking again. Then my father passed away and I heard she said that as i am not my fathers biological daughter so i dont need to be part of the family. Since he adopted at the age of 3 months her words hurt me a lot and i decided not to speak to her again after that.

 

[Koakes]

I dont have either of my parents in my life due to them being very toxic people, it took me a long time to find the strength to walk away.

Its hard when children are involved as they don't understand and ask questions. But you have to do whats best for you and your mental health

 

[littlepup]

I’d want to protect yourself and your Mum in this situation. Who knows what he’s talked her into since your Dad’s passing. I really would speak to your Mum about her will as he sounds greedy and manipulative and rather than holding his hands up, he’s chosen to snub you so obviously doesn’t intend to change. Not having a relationship with you allows him much more freedom to go behind your back too.
I would say you’d like to be able to be civil and ask that he at least unblocks you for emergency situations.
He’ll have to talk to you if anything happens to your Mum unless he tries to get in quick so he can control the situation which it sounds as though he may do which might be why he’s not interested too. I’ve been known people to start clearing out the jewellery and valuables in advance and claim no knowledge when they can’t be found. Another reason to have your Mum have everything in place now. He may well turn around after she passes with some story about what she wanted and you won’t know for sure, if it’s all written down it can’t be disputed.
Even if he’s not that bad, someone who’s willing to cut off their niece and sister isn’t someone you, or your daughter need anymore of a relationship with though IMO.

 

[Prince fan 1999]

I’d want to protect yourself and your Mum in this situation. Who knows what he’s talked her into since your Dad’s passing. I really would speak to your Mum about her will as he sounds greedy and manipulative and rather than holding his hands up, he’s chosen to snub you so obviously doesn’t intend to change. Not having a relationship with you allows him much more freedom to go behind your back too.
I would say you’d like to be able to be civil and ask that he at least unblocks you for emergency situations.
He’ll have to talk to you if anything happens to your Mum unless he tries to get in quick so he can control the situation which it sounds as though he may do which might be why he’s not interested too. I’ve been known people to start clearing out the jewellery and valuables in advance and claim no knowledge when they can’t be found. Another reason to have your Mum have everything in place now. He may well turn around after she passes with some story about what she wanted and you won’t know for sure, if it’s all written down it can’t be disputed.
Even if he’s not that bad, someone who’s willing to cut off their niece and sister isn’t someone you, or your daughter need anymore of a relationship with though IMO.

That's another thing that concerns me with his behaviour. I don't trust him at all I know my mum likes to keep the peace and would never say anything regarding my brother which is hard. They hardly visited my parents unless he wanted something ie passing by to look at a car, despite kicking up a fuss about hardly seeing them and they moved a little closer and they still hardly visited. They've seen mum a bit more recently and I had to speak to mum as it was so out of character and was worried what they were after