Am I over reacting

[judgejohndeed]

I don’t think you’re overreacting - he lied to your face. I also wouldn’t have thought anything of his ex coming over if he had been open about it, but him lying about it makes it suspicious

 

[veryfondoftea]

Him making out your child was lying is pretty shitty behaviour. So is him lying to you. I don't think you're overreacting

 

[WilmaHun]

Hi Guys sorry for jumping on someone’s thread but for some reason I can’t create one! Anyway, I wanted to ask if anyone thought I was over reacting about this.
my bf of 1 year(he’s 28 I’m 34) has his parents authorised on his bank account. He asked them the other day to draw £30 out for his brothers birthday however they’ve took it upon themselves to look at his balance and look at what we have been spending in the last month. (I transfer money into this account too and we use just the one) They called him and went mad at him on the phone asking why he’s spending so much money etc and why we are we using the overdraft. Not that I have to explain to anyone but jan is a hard month for everyone and we used a little of the overdraft due to unexpected expenses. I’m really really annoyed about it guys like really. Not only that. They called his brother and told his brother too who then called him to have another go. Please can you tell me if I’m over reacting??? Xx

Absolutely not over reacting. I'd be fuming! He's a grown adult and therefore his finances have nothing to do with his parents. They had no place to go snooping! Why does he even have them authorised on his bank? I would be getting that removed ASAP. Why does a grown man need his parents on his bank?

 

[Very traditional]

Alcoholic

I don't think you're over reacting and again it's the not telling you that's the main issue although to be fair I wouldn't really want my partner sitting in my home with his ex drinking alcohol, it's just a bit weird and then to lie about it makes it even more so.

 

[Thewitcher]

I don’t think you’re overreacting - he lied to your face. I also wouldn’t have thought anything of his ex coming over if he had been open about it, but him lying about it makes it suspicious

If he'd have mentioned it to me, even as a passing comment I wouldn't have thought much of it.
The secrecy is what made me suspicious I agree about that.

 

[Katydoo]

this whole situation sounds dodgy to me. why is he bothering making such an effort to respond to her, why has she latched onto him so much when they're not even friends?? why is the girl comfortable texting someones boyfriend so much?

these things are usually very straight forward. she obviously has some form of feeling towards him

i hope the talk went well! assert your boundaries and trust your gut.

Thank you so much! The chat went really well, he’s absolutely mortified that he didn’t realise just how uncomfortable I was about it all. He has been increasingly irritated by her messages and had already discussed it with one of the guys in the group. Turns out they had stopped replying to her so much as she had been clingy with a few others in the group… all male!!! She’s obviously having a moment, self esteem issues and maybe lonely but she’s been more out of order than I thought. Boyf now realises he’s not been the best judge of character.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Hi sorry work has been manic. Ok so I spoke to him/and argued about this. And he tells me he doesn’t care that his parents have access to his account and yes they shouldn’t have looked but it’s his parents are they were worried after seeing the minus figure. I said they wouldn’t have seen this minus figure if they did what you asked and just drew out the £30. Honestly I said oh whatever well we aren’t using that account for our personal spend anymore and any money I give you towards the bills I will give you in cash. Came up with compromise however I’m still so annoyed about it. He just comes across as such a wuss and scared of standing his ground at 28. Might leave him honestly



That’s exactly what I’ve said I’m doing going forward. Prob won’t last that long with him tbh as he’s such a baby and weirdly too close to his family. Not that there is anything wrong with that just bit too much for me. Nothing is private. Grr x

Leave him. He sounds like an absolute looser. Plus, his family sound like creepy, too close for comfort oddballs.

 

[standupsitdown]

Bear in mind men can be a bit pathetic when it comes to a) standing up to a pushy ex and b) facing up to telling you and a possible negative reaction.

They like to take the easy option, but he was very wrong to bottle it and try and pull the wool over your eyes. He needs to appreciate the importance of honesty and trust no matter how awks it gets.

 

[watermelon sugar]

I don’t think you’re over reacting either. He shouldn’t have lied and he shouldn’t have made out like his child was lying either

 

[at-the-disco]

Thank you, and you’re right I do need to speak to him again. I’m not too concerned about his responses back. He’s the type of person who would be beside themselves if there was text he needed to reply to, whether he wanted to or not… a quality about him I don’t enjoy but love him in spite of!! We literally talk everything through, we’re both really approachable with each other but this one thing has me stumped without making drama that potentially isn’t there.

this whole situation sounds dodgy to me. why is he bothering making such an effort to respond to her, why has she latched onto him so much when they're not even friends?? why is the girl comfortable texting someones boyfriend so much?

these things are usually very straight forward. she obviously has some form of feeling towards him

i hope the talk went well! assert your boundaries and trust your gut.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you, and you’re right I do need to speak to him again. I’m not too concerned about his responses back. He’s the type of person who would be beside themselves if there was text he needed to reply to, whether he wanted to or not… a quality about him I don’t enjoy but love him in spite of!! We literally talk everything through, we’re both really approachable with each other but this one thing has me stumped without making drama that potentially isn’t there.

Hmmmm I dunno, I don’t think you are making a drama out of it at all - from what you’ve said, it is crossing a bit of a line - maybe not in the content of the messages, but in the way she seems to be in constant back & forth contact with someone she’s not particularly close to. He’s not friends with her - so it IS a bit weird that she’s latched onto him like this. It sounds like the kind of thing that could spiral - one minute she’s texting him non stop then it will be phone calls at all hours, then she will want to see him to talk about stuff….. I’m not saying that it’s not platonic in nature at the moment but look at it from her perspective - she’s vulnerable from her last relationship, from a guy who treated her poorly - and now she’s getting lots of support and attention from a guy who is by all accounts really kind & lovely and is showing an interest in her and who is there for her whenever she needs him…… it wouldn’t be hard for those lines to start getting mixed and for her to start seeing it as more than it is…..

Bottom line - it’s making you uncomfortable, it’s getting out of hand, he needs to rein it in and stop being this woman’s emotional crutch.

 

[Thewitcher]

So many questions that would need to be answered first.

have you been jealous/had issues with her in the past?
has he cheated on her or you in the past?
or cheated in a relationship before these two that makes you weary?

How sick is the daughter and could it just be that he doesn’t want to rock the boat and upset/make things awkward for everyone you by saying she was there?

what exactly was she collecting

Collecting a book (daughters)
He has cheated, but I'd say probably 10 years or so ago and not had trust issues for a long time, it was before we were very committed.
We had issues, she really disliked me. Said things like he couldn't see his daughter unless he broke things off with me etc, and I reciprocated the feelings.
I will add this was a long time ago and things have been good for many years now.
She's been very poorly for a few weeks, recovering at home after an operation.
I'm not sure why he wouldn't say, he's been to her house quite alot post op as he should. I'd have still found it odd, but I wouldn't have made an issue, it's the hiding it that's made me very suspicious.

 

[Katydoo]

EXACTLY THIS And the calls have already started coming through, mostly when the ex has been a knob. This week her dog died so of course this led to a stream of messages. I’m going to make a nice tea, open a bottle of wine and just have a relaxed, adult conversation with him about how we can help be supportive whilst steering her back towards the friendship group

 

[Thewitcher]

Alcoholic drink or cup of tea?

Always follow your gut instinct.

Alcoholic

 

[WilmaHun]

Hope I’ve picked the right thread… I have for the past few months become wary of a female friend of my boyfriend. She is part of his social circle, although not a close friend. Last year she left her toxic, abusive partner and father of her child. It was terrible and I genuinely felt for her. Everyone in the ‘group’ checked in on her etc including my boyfriend. The thing is, she seems to have chosen my boyfriend to text and call to confide in when her ex gets in touch or does/says something nasty. At first I assumed she was messaging everyone and just needed some all-round reassurance and was perhaps a bit lonely. I encouraged my boyfriend to check in on her and helped with his advice responses back to her. However, it has escalated where his phone is constantly pinging with messages from her. Nothing untoward, general chitchat I guess, but they’re not ‘best friends’/ ‘close friends’ so the volume of texts and calls feels inappropriate. I’m worried given the arsehole she was previously with, she sees how lovely my boyfriend is and has latched on and got a bit of a crush. I’m not jealous or threatened at all, just concerned. My boyfriend is the loveliest guy on Earth and I trust him completely but I have felt the need to mildly warn him to just be careful not to be too nice that she may misconstrue messages. Any advice????

I think you should just talk to your boyfriend and explain that you're somewhat uncomfortable with the volume of contact he's having with her (I know you say you're not threatened or jealous, but you wouldn't be writing here if you weren't and I mean that in the nicest way possible). If it's entirely innocent then he'll be happy to talk it through with you and reassure you. Are you friends with her at all? Or is it just him? If you are, could you reach out to her and offer her a friendly female ear?

 

[Katydoo]

Not overreacting AT ALL!! No idea why, as a grown man, he has them authorised on the account and as now you are using it as a joint account, surely he should’ve given you consideration and asked if you were ok with them still being on there? They overstepped by snooping and to pull him up on it (as well as the brother) it’s very invasive. The apron strings need cutting and remove them immediately.

 

[Thewitcher]

Just a random update to this. A few months later I got stronger confirmation something was happening...
Then we drifted apart for a year. My partner would never go anywhere with me, was so distant. A year later he said he wants yo split. No communication no explanation...just separation. I've since found more evidence. Always trust your instincts.

 

[Warpaint]

EXACTLY THIS And the calls have already started coming through, mostly when the ex has been a knob. This week her dog died so of course this led to a stream of messages. I’m going to make a nice tea, open a bottle of wine and just have a relaxed, adult conversation with him about how we can help be supportive whilst steering her back towards the friendship group

Yes or before you know it she'll be coming round for tea as well.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you for your reply. Tbh is this was the only reason I’d tell them myself but the relationship isn’t great anyway. He’s defensive, jealous, sometimes paranoid, wimpy, worries about everything, doesn’t stand up for himself, takes everything to heart and is like jekle and Hyde. (Christ, sorry! )And I will be honest here, my ex fiancé is a finance director, always put me first, stood up for himself, never questioned me, was never jealous. Treated me like an absolute queen, gave me a beautiful home and a Porsche etc and I left because I felt like I needed to find myself a little bit and tbh my bf has made me realise what I had a couple of years ago and what I’ve lost. He’s just the complete opposite. And I think I’m maybe trying to mould him into my ex x




I am sorry about them opening your post I would go mental at that!

So why on earth are you even still with him? Seriously?! I can’t decide if your posts are genuine or what but lord, just sort yourself out. You don’t sound as if you even particularly like your boyfriend, let alone anything else.

 

[Phil McCrackin]

Hi Guys sorry for jumping on someone’s thread but for some reason I can’t create one! Anyway, I wanted to ask if anyone thought I was over reacting about this.
my bf of 1 year(he’s 28 I’m 34) has his parents authorised on his bank account. He asked them the other day to draw £30 out for his brothers birthday however they’ve took it upon themselves to look at his balance and look at what we have been spending in the last month. (I transfer money into this account too and we use just the one) They called him and went mad at him on the phone asking why he’s spending so much money etc and why we are we using the overdraft. Not that I have to explain to anyone but jan is a hard month for everyone and we used a little of the overdraft due to unexpected expenses. I’m really really annoyed about it guys like really. Not only that. They called his brother and told his brother too who then called him to have another go. Please can you tell me if I’m over reacting??? Xx