Am I over-reacting ?

[disneys]

Hi all , would like some advice as I’m worrying I’m over reacting . For some context , I got my period yesterday and my husband and I have been trying for a baby for 7 months or so , so the event that transpired yesterday was really just the icing on a cake and I feel like this has clouded my judgement and make me react in a ridiculous way

I am almost 31 and have had the same group of friends since I was 22 , we all met at university in our final year and have been stuck together ever since . There are 6 of us . I live in Kent , about 40 mins out of London and before I had a baby used to commute into the city to work . Three of my friends live in London still and are either with partners or single , my other three friends have moved out to the burbs .. one of my friends is pregnant but I’m the only one with a child .. we talk weekly or so on a WhatsApp group and are still good friends even though some of us are in different life stages

I found out yesterday that they have made a plan to meet up after the lockdown is lifted and you can eat outside in London for mid April . One of them said something about being available on the 16th for lunch on the WhatsApp group and I queried it ... one of my friends then said they’d made a plan to meet up on the 16th April for lunch in the city and that they would’ve have invited me but rule of 6 and there are7 of us , and they assumed I wouldn’t be able to get childcare so didn’t ask ...

well , it stung to be honest .. I would have loved to meet up with them and my MIL is our childcare bubble so couldve Taken my son , they wouldve Known that if they asked .. I understand about the rule of 6 thing but it would’ve been nice to be asked .. or perhaps they could have arranged something else for me to attend ?

it’s send my head reeling a bit .. I haven’t seen them in a year and I don’t know .. it feels like they’ve left me out for a reason other than child care ? I’m quite easy going so I imagine they thought I wouldnt Be hurt by it but I am a bit ..

I’m quite an over thinker as it is ,and my husband thinks I was so upset because it was just the icing on the top of a disappointing an emotional day , but I still get a sharpness in my stomach when I think about it ....

any advice ? Am I being a child about this ?

 

[Definitelyme]

Oh I would be devastated.

I have a group of 6 friends also, we actually met after we all had our first baby at a group so all in that same situation, and years ago they all made a plan to go to the zoo. It just so happened that my husband and I also went to the zoo with our daughter that day (insane coincidence) and I saw them there. I was absolutely devastated about it, I felt so left out and forgotten, and just like I didn’t matter.
One of them got in touch later that day and apologised saying they had been thoughtless and she could see I had been hurt by how I acted when I saw them. she explained they were actually with another, large, group of mums from a local Facebook group (which I wasn’t part of by choice) but that since they were all going they should have invited me. Didn’t make it hurt any less, and even now when they get the “memories” photos and comment on them it still stings.

So I have been there, and it’s horrible. My heart goes out to you xxx

 

[veryfondoftea]

Not sure I have any good advice but don't want to read and run...I don't think you are overreacting though. It sounds pretty hurtful to me. Do you feel able to talk to them about it?

 

[Scottish Care Bear]

Ive had similar happen & it was the same excuse. Childcare & didn’t think you would want to come. Nice to be asked though. It does hurt & sting. I had it out with them & cleared the air. I did say “how would they feel if the same was done to them?” One did say “oh wouldn’t bother me. You’re taking it the wrong way!” Some did see my point & apologised. Ended up the get together was cancelled as change in childcare for some. I came away from the group. Didn’t feel the same & l realised we all had moved on.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I would definitely feel hurt and left out too. I too am a bit over an overthinker most of the time so I would probably think all sorts, like have they made another whatsapp group to arrange this, have I done something to them, is there a reason they don't want me there.. it really could be something so simple, that they just didn't think you would be free but again its nice to be asked. I think the whole rule of 6 thing is a bit of a silly excuse, I know its the rules but surely you could have met an stayed in your group so maybe 3 at one table and 4 at an other or am I being stupid?
Definitely tell them how you feel, you feel a little left out and upset that you weren't asked. Just simply talking about it with them might make you feel better and get some clarity.

 

[50sGirl]

I’m quite a bit older than you (prob nearer your parents age!) and usually when someone who is around the age of my children starts a post with “Am I overreacting?” my answer tends to be yes.
But having read your post no, you are not overreacting at all.
What they have done is incredibly hurtful.

I agree that your friend accidentally posted to the wrong group, or perhaps she deliberately did it because she felt bad about you being left out so it was her way of letting you know without the others being mad at her. Was the friend who let it slip the one who you are closest to?

I think you should put forward the solution another poster suggested - 2 tables adjacent to each other - one with 3 people and one with 4. You‘ll be abiding by the rules but will still be able to socialise. Try suggesting that and see how they react.

I’m sorry you’ve been hurt. I can still recall it happening to me 35 years ago when I went into town with my mum and saw my “friends” queueing for the cinema. They didn’t see me so when I asked them what they did at the weekend, they lied.
It’s strange how it’s like a video in my head that I can still visualise all these years later. I knew who the instigator was and eventually the others saw through her too but it still hurt that they did it.

Good luck and I hope they agree to your suggestion of splitting the tables.

 

[disneys]

Have you dropped out or cancelled on events prior to the past year due to childcare?

Not that I can think of , when I was heavily pregnant and my son was very young and I was recovering from my c section then I declined some invites but since he was about 4 months old I’ve been going out with them ! They usually know I can get my MIL on short notice during the week and my husband is usually about on the weekends to take him ...

they were a bit miffed because we couldn’t have them at our wedding in September , we changed our plans and had a small 15 person ceremony as our postponed date was early 2022 and we were worried my 89 year old grandfather wouldn’t have made it .. they were meant to be bridesmaids and were a bit gutted to miss out , but I think ultimately they understood

 

[coriander]

My god that's beyond bitchy in my opinion, but friendships come and go and there's nothing that you can do about it. What you can do is try not to take it personally, it's actually very very common.

 

[Scorpihoe]

If 7 of you are on a WhatsApp group & you only became aware of arrangements when plans were advanced it sugg to me a separate WhatsApp group of the other 6 was created? If so then there was a deliberate attempt made to exclude you from plans. Maybe wasn’t personal or as a result of you “doing” anything wrong. Just convenient. Only 6 can meet ... she has a baby .. she’ll probably be too busy. No matter what the excuse what they’ve done is mean & selfish. IMO either all meet or no one meets (as a group). I think your feelings of being hurt are justified. I think it would be hard to address this with 6 ppl. If I were you I’d give myself a cooling off period. Addressing something as emotional as this when you’re upset might mean you say things in the best of the moment you later regret. Say nothing do nothing .. your feelings are justified. When you feel calmer approach 1 of the 6 that you trust . Chat for a few minutes to warm things up & then as calmly & as cool as you can say “ I was surprised to see the arrangement to meet up on what’s app .. I don’t think I knew anything about it .. what’s the story?” Keep the way you speak quite light .. don’t rush to conclusions . You’re entitled to ask but if you sound upset your friend is more likely to go on the defensive. So take a deep breath .. take some time out & then ring the friend you trust most in the group & until you hear what she has to say don’t jump to any conclusions. Good luck .. & if ur not happy with the answers ur well rid & you’ve a lovely life husband gorgeous child ... you have so much more going on in your life than them & fingers crossed you will have the happy news you really want in a few months. x

I initially thought the first part too. It seemed off to me that one friend randomly said she was available on a certain date. Were there no messages about it before that? Because usually someone would start off the conversation with “it would be nice to meet up next week. When is everyone free?” Etc.

I am a total cynic but it sounds to me (IF it was out the blue and the first message about it), that she sent it in the wrong group and they all thought “oh well it’s out now” and went along with it. Then again I’m a massive overthinker.

Personally I would be really upset. Especially if they know you can get child care

 

[Clojo92]

It sucks to be left out of things so you have a right to me upset about that. However, you mentioned you feel like they are leaving you out for another reason. Is there actual evidence of that? This is something my therapist uses on me when I’m over thinking! Sometimes I’ll think oh my friends hate me etc etc but actually, is there any evidence that they do?

If you are upset that they have left you out, maybe say something to them or suggest something else for you all to do? Explain that you would love to see them all too and have child care ready to go.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Thanks all for your messages , I’m glad I’m not the only ones who would be hurt about this !

now they know I know about it they’re talking about it openly in the chat , where they’re going and what they’re doing ... I think I’m going to say something to them but not quite sure how to word it without sounding like I’m throwing my toys out of the pram about it

I have no evidence to suggest this is anything other than thoughtlessness on their parts .. I stopped going on nights out when I got pregnant but am always down for lunch or a boozy brunch , which I thought they would know ..

The fact they’re openly talking about it while you’re still in the group makes me think they genuinely didn’t mean to upset you/leave you out or they’re really quite savage!

It’s probably the former but I completely would come at it from the same angle as you and they should see that it’s a bit brutal to discuss it knowing you’re upset.

Maybe they were thinking that with you living a bit away and having a baby might mean something could come up that meant on the day you had to back out but they still should have spoken to you I think.

If you don’t feel things can go back to the way things were before then maybe it’s time to chalk it up to experience and step back. Hopefully before too long you’ll have another baby and your life will change again!

 

[disneys]

Thanks all for your messages , I’m glad I’m not the only ones who would be hurt about this !

now they know I know about it they’re talking about it openly in the chat , where they’re going and what they’re doing ... I think I’m going to say something to them but not quite sure how to word it without sounding like I’m throwing my toys out of the pram about it

I have no evidence to suggest this is anything other than thoughtlessness on their parts .. I stopped going on nights out when I got pregnant but am always down for lunch or a boozy brunch , which I thought they would know ..

 

[cosmo girl]

I would feel hurt too. You're are not over thinking at all. There should be two dates so everyone gets a chance to meet up.
Times like this show who your real friends are

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I’d be annoyed too but I would let my silence speak for itself and distance myself for a bit.

They could have put the feelers out and asked if anyone minded skipping it before outright just not including one person.

 

[disneys]

I initially thought the first part too. It seemed off to me that one friend randomly said she was available on a certain date. Were there no messages about it before that? Because usually someone would start off the conversation with “it would be nice to meet up next week. When is everyone free?” Etc.

I am a total cynic but it sounds to me (IF it was out the blue and the first message about it), that she sent it in the wrong group and they all thought “oh well it’s out now” and went along with it. Then again I’m a massive overthinker.

Personally I would be really upset. Especially if they know you can get child care

this was my exact thoughts too as it was so out of context , we hadn’t mentioned meeting up at all

I haven’t said anything to them yet but I have about 8 versions of a WhatsApp message in my phone notes .. I’ve calmed down some now and just think they should know that I was a bit hurt not to be included , if they are the lovely girls I think they are then I hope they’ll accommodate so that I can also be involved

If not , then they’re shady !

You’re not overreacting. Is there one you’re closer to than the rest that you could talk to about it? It might be easier to have a chat with one rather than the whole group initially, even if it’s just to explain that you feel deliberately excluded and ask how or why it might have happened before speaking to all of them.

Yes , there is one who I lived with at uni and I’m much closer too . She messaged me yesterday asking if I was ok , so I think I’ll talk to her privately first before I air my concerns to the group

 

[HelloStereo]

I think I'd be hurt as well. Not just because they assumed I didn't want to go and the logistics, but also because it seems like they planned it behind your back and you only found out because one of them let it slip? It's not like they were discussing it in the group whatsapp and said "oh, disneys can't come because of childcare, isn't that right?" Were you always up for meeting them before lockdown? I remember when I was younger I had a friend who I would invite to things and every time she'd pull out or say she couldn't come, so eventually we stopped asking her.

I'd probably mention that I was hurt and then make other plans with them when things start opening up again, maybe in smaller groups so you all get to spend time with each other and no one feels left out

 

[50sGirl]

Hi, just wondered if you’ve spoken to your friends and what the outcome was? Sorry, I’m a nosey bint!

 

[JoeBloggs]

I don’t think you are over reacting but to play devils advocate, have you previously cancelled or not been able to go because of child care? As other have said, I have a friend who constantly cancels and pulls out last minute so we no longer accommodate her and assume she won’t be there.

You say there are other reasons, what could they be? Before I had my two, I had two slightly older friends who kids at the same time. In the end our friendship fizzles because their whole world and conversations revolves around the kids which I just couldn’t relate to. I didn’t begrudge them but I just couldn’t join in. We’ve okay now but it’s not the same.

If you feel you can, call them out. Explain your hurt and that you respect the rule of 6 but why you.

 

[Bellaboo83]

Bless you, I'd feel exactly the same.

I don't have any great advice but wanted to tell you that I didn't think you were over reacting at all, I'd be hurt too x

 

[SoF]

If 7 of you are on a WhatsApp group & you only became aware of arrangements when plans were advanced it sugg to me a separate WhatsApp group of the other 6 was created? If so then there was a deliberate attempt made to exclude you from plans. Maybe wasn’t personal or as a result of you “doing” anything wrong. Just convenient. Only 6 can meet ... she has a baby .. she’ll probably be too busy. No matter what the excuse what they’ve done is mean & selfish. IMO either all meet or no one meets (as a group). I think your feelings of being hurt are justified. I think it would be hard to address this with 6 ppl. If I were you I’d give myself a cooling off period. Addressing something as emotional as this when you’re upset might mean you say things in the best of the moment you later regret. Say nothing do nothing .. your feelings are justified. When you feel calmer approach 1 of the 6 that you trust . Chat for a few minutes to warm things up & then as calmly & as cool as you can say “ I was surprised to see the arrangement to meet up on what’s app .. I don’t think I knew anything about it .. what’s the story?” Keep the way you speak quite light .. don’t rush to conclusions . You’re entitled to ask but if you sound upset your friend is more likely to go on the defensive. So take a deep breath .. take some time out & then ring the friend you trust most in the group & until you hear what she has to say don’t jump to any conclusions. Good luck .. & if ur not happy with the answers ur well rid & you’ve a lovely life husband gorgeous child ... you have so much more going on in your life than them & fingers crossed you will have the happy news you really want in a few months. x