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I have never found any celebration in sober times, to be honest. I just wait for it to end. I find those times just after stopping very, very difficult - almost more so than times when they are drinking. I am constantly on edge, feel unsettled. It’s A hard time.
I've been thinking about this thread recently and keep forgetting to check in, so thank you for posting and resurrecting it.
I don't think you're a witch for not being ecstatic. The people celebrating, have not experienced alcoholism in the same sense that those of us closest to the person do. I found this with my person, other people were so joyous and happy that they were sober but I was dubious, suspicious and still very angry. I didn't want people to be happy for my person, I wanted them to know exactly how they had hurt those of us closest and the pain they had caused us.
It's been a long time now that my person has been sober. They had a relapse about 6 months in but its been about 18 months sober now. I still don't celebrate it or feel proud of them tbh. I'm glad they don't cause us the continual pain that they did, but I'll never be able to forget that feeling or fully forgive them.
I think it's okay to feel how you do. I've found it's only a very select number of people who have been through it like we have.
How’s everyone doing? Things are better but I’ve realised how anxious the whole thing has made me. I’m still not sure what to do with some of my feelings about it all, I don’t want to raise it with partner cos they seem to be doing well and I shouldn’t put extra stress on them. Mutual friends know now but they are “his” friends and only one of mine really knows about it all and I don’t want to bore her with it!
Christmas feels a bit scary but I’m trying to have faith and I know I can’t do anything to control what happens.
Christmas feels a bit scary but I’m trying to have faith and I know I can’t do anything to control what happens.
New to this thread but so glad I've found it.
Your posts really resonate with where I am. My husband drinks everyday, I don't know how much, he hides it from me and won't talk about it. He's functioning, goes to work etc. He isn't abusive and is the best husband and Dad in the daytime but come 6pm he clocks off and the drinking starts.
I love him so much but despise his drinking which makes him incoherent and prevents him being present. I've told him he has to sleep on the sofa as I can't sleep in bed with him when he's been drinking but that hasn't changed anything and we barely sleep in the same bed anymore. It's miserable and I was toying with the idea of joining and AlAnon group for support but thought on the off chance there may be something on here which may be of some help. I can't believe there are so many other people who are describing the isolation, worry and internal conflict that I've been feeling for years now.
I see there's not been a post here for a while. I hope everyone is okay.
Isolation is right, I didn’t realise how much until he stopped (still stopped, fingers crossed).
Try an Al Anon meeting, if you don’t like it you don’t need to go again, but maybe something will resonate? I think SMART recovery do a family thing as well so if that’s near you it could be good?
how old are your kids, that must be hard.
Try an Al Anon meeting, if you don’t like it you don’t need to go again, but maybe something will resonate? I think SMART recovery do a family thing as well so if that’s near you it could be good?
how old are your kids, that must be hard.
I'll give the Al Anon group another look, I see its had mixed reviews but, as everything, its worth a try. I hadn't heard of SMART recovery so will see what thats all about.
My kids are teenagers but I had spent a lot of time over the years shielding them from his drunken behaviour which would have been confusing and scary to them as younger children. Now they are older I can't hide it anymore; they notice him slurring, repeating himself and his inability to remember conversations etc from the night before leaving my role in this situation a bit defunkt.
I think this has been a catalyst for me feeling unable to carry the situation anymore, my focus was on the children, now I just feel lonely, ashamed and as if I'm not being very loyal by discussing how I feel about his drinking with other people.
This sounds quite similar to my situation except I was the child.
Sending you so much strength as it is a lot for anyone to have to go through. You can’t help a person that doesn’t want to be helped, and so don’t feel like any of it is your fault x
I would echo Al-anon. If anything it is so helpful to listen to other people in exactly the same situation and know that it is not you and it it not your fault. The one thing I have taken from Al-anon is the 3 Cs - I didnt Cause it, I can Cure it and I can't Control it. It also helps you to detach from the the alcoholic, and understand that they are not the same person you know and love, they have a disease, are sick and need help. Unfortunately in the UK unless you have private insurance, that help is near on impossible to get. It is heart breaking.
There is also Al-ateen for children of.an alcoholic.
There is also Al-ateen for children of.an alcoholic.
I didn't know there was a support group for children, I'll have a look at it as it appears my daughter is struggling and so may benefit from some support.
I've started taking to a therapist which has helped structure my concerns rather than me making myself feel like I'm just having a moan and I think the 'community' element of AlAnon could really help, even if its just listening to others in a similar situation.
The three Cs make a lot of sense and if it helps detach the behaviour from the person then it has a functional use for me on a day to day basis. When I think about my situation I'm finding myself swaying from feeling grieving and upset to angry and irrational, neither of which is very pleasant.
I’m really struggling with my Dad and his alcoholism. He’s been alcoholic for as long as I can remember. He has had one or two bouts of being sober, one stint for as long as 3 years. It’s so so draining, he doesn’t want help otherwise he wouldn’t constantly fail. He can be really verbally abusive and controlling to my Mom (and myself and brother. I just have him blocked now so I don’t have contact unless it’s through my Mom because it does nothing for my own health). He has to know what she’s doing all the time and where she is.
He has to plan everyone’s day and everyone has to drop everything for him based on his needs (duck the fact that we have jobs right?!). Take for example today, myself and my brother were going to visit him this evening with our Mom (I don’t like her going to his by herself) and he asked for us to go today (he wants help with something so that’s the only reason he’s asked us to go). That’s fine. Now he’s pissed up and had been hounding my Mom all day just being an idiot and taking the high ground because we refuse to be around him when he’s drunk. He doesn’t like it when you call him out for being drunk either. But he blatantly slurring. I am convinced he’s mixing his prescription medication up too with all this booze.
For background my parents are estranged and don’t live together. Technically separated but not divorced.
He’s clearly very unwell, barely leaves his flat and is constantly incoherent. Doesn’t like it when you say he’s drunk. Doesn’t like it when you catch him drinking. Doesn’t like it how I look in his bins and call him out on his bullshit. Doesn’t do anything for himself (my Mom does his weekly shop, phones to sort his docs appointments or his dentist appointments. Myself and brother sort out his phone contract and monitor his emails for him). He has alcohol delivered to his house by a local shop and I’m trying to find out which shop it is as I want to go in and demand they stop delivering it. I just think it’s disgusting and these people are taking the absolute piss and most likely laughing at my Dad as he pays them to consistently get drunk and feed his alcoholism.
It’s totally life ruining. I feel like I would given anything to have a normal father. Absolutely anything. Just for the peace. The worst of it all when he’s sober, he is brilliant. So so good for advice. He just can’t stay sober, or maybe he doesn’t want to. Heartbreaking cause clearly his family and their feelings mean zilch to him as this is all I ask and he can’t even do that.
On the other hand I’m so so worry about him dying lonely cause I wouldn’t want that for him. He has got people around who love him
The whole thing is such a headfuck.
It’s took me some time to pluck up the courage to post here as I have people in my real life who know my user but don’t know the full details re: my dad, but duck it. I’m so sick of feeling stunted and embarrassed by all of this when it’s his actions, not mine.
He has to plan everyone’s day and everyone has to drop everything for him based on his needs (duck the fact that we have jobs right?!). Take for example today, myself and my brother were going to visit him this evening with our Mom (I don’t like her going to his by herself) and he asked for us to go today (he wants help with something so that’s the only reason he’s asked us to go). That’s fine. Now he’s pissed up and had been hounding my Mom all day just being an idiot and taking the high ground because we refuse to be around him when he’s drunk. He doesn’t like it when you call him out for being drunk either. But he blatantly slurring. I am convinced he’s mixing his prescription medication up too with all this booze.
For background my parents are estranged and don’t live together. Technically separated but not divorced.
He’s clearly very unwell, barely leaves his flat and is constantly incoherent. Doesn’t like it when you say he’s drunk. Doesn’t like it when you catch him drinking. Doesn’t like it how I look in his bins and call him out on his bullshit. Doesn’t do anything for himself (my Mom does his weekly shop, phones to sort his docs appointments or his dentist appointments. Myself and brother sort out his phone contract and monitor his emails for him). He has alcohol delivered to his house by a local shop and I’m trying to find out which shop it is as I want to go in and demand they stop delivering it. I just think it’s disgusting and these people are taking the absolute piss and most likely laughing at my Dad as he pays them to consistently get drunk and feed his alcoholism.
It’s totally life ruining. I feel like I would given anything to have a normal father. Absolutely anything. Just for the peace. The worst of it all when he’s sober, he is brilliant. So so good for advice. He just can’t stay sober, or maybe he doesn’t want to. Heartbreaking cause clearly his family and their feelings mean zilch to him as this is all I ask and he can’t even do that.
On the other hand I’m so so worry about him dying lonely cause I wouldn’t want that for him. He has got people around who love him
The whole thing is such a headfuck.It’s took me some time to pluck up the courage to post here as I have people in my real life who know my user but don’t know the full details re: my dad, but duck it. I’m so sick of feeling stunted and embarrassed by all of this when it’s his actions, not mine.
I am sharing this from a post on another site but was encouraged to share on the alanon page, but had minimal response.
Not sure if this is a good place to try?
My relationship with my (ex ) partner has been mostly lovely.
There has been a couple of occasions where I’ve been concerned about his drinking and I previously ended the relationship over some quite extreme drunkenness but changed my mind as though it was my over reaction (I am also the adult child of an alcoholic parent).
He stopped drinking after that occasion and hasn’t drink for approx 8 months.
This weekend he was meeting and old friend who apparently prior to the meeting was hassling my partner to drink with him.
Later on he messaged me and made a point of saying he’d had one drink at the behest of said friend.
All his friends know about his drink problem and the majority of them were pleased to see he’d ’stopped’ drinking.
I was suspicious when I read ‘one drink’ as felt it was unnecessary specific detail.
My partner drove to mine from the meeting and when I saw him was slurring and had wet himself. I made him leave there and then and said I’d call the police unless he used a cab to get home.
He insisted he’d only had one drink but clearly he hadn’t. He hadn’t realised he was wet ( which he does every time he drinks ).
I have ended the relationship and a big part of it is because he lied but also because he was dui.
After his marriage ended he tried to take his life and has no recollection of this. It ended a few years ago but from things he’s said I’m not sure he’s really over it. It was a very long marriage.
Apart from a couple of incidents we were very happy together and I believed very much in love, with future plans.
I have kids and he has adult kids who have told me their childhoods were very much impacted by his drinking .
As times have progressed I’ve learned more about this from them and also from his friends and family that his drinking was a concern for them. Everyone keeps saying how. Happy they are he’s stopped drinking and he gets loads of praise but I felt he could have done a lot more than just abstain, everyone is different and I wanted to give him a chance and respect his decision to do it alone
I feel a fool for so many reasons but because of my past am also doubtful about my own behaviour and validity of my feelings.
Am I being too harsh or was I right to end things?
I’m so sad. But also feel a bit of a dick because I know of his history.
I don’t know why I’ve overlooked it really. I guess blind optimism. I’m also autistic so probably take people at face value a bit too much even though I have lifelong experience of addiction in my family, ex partners etc.
I don’t connect well with many people and am quite vulnerable to men and friends and spend a lot of time alone and lonely.
hes the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt safe and secure and loved. He’s kind and gentle and loving and generous and we have so much in common. I believe he might be autistic too and may be why I have overlooked this thing.
i never knew him to drive drunk although I did suspect it once very early in our relationship
I lost a parent to alcohol related problems two years ago too. I can’t be with someone who drunk drives and I can’t have an alcoholic in the lives of my kids.
sense. I am so so sad . I knew he had been over confident in believing he could practice complete abstinence without doin the work but I chose to ’believe’ him whilst deep down knowing that it was highly improbable that he wouldn’t fall off the wagon at some point.
I just wanted our relationship and all of the good bits whilst deep down knowing I’d have to face his alcoholism again but hoping not.
yes as you say this is highly likely linked to my being an acoa and a huge familiarity because of that and me and xbf have known each other our whole lives so there was a sense of safety and security I never had before , operating on multiple levels.
A codependent dry drunk relationship?!
I don’t know how to move forward, it is extremely early days. I know how he operates and he will be practical and just get on with the next stage, hopefully getting help and support from his friends and family.
he has very close friends and family and I am very much alone apart from my children.
i have lots of friends but no close safe ones which is probably why I clung so hard to this one too
How do I move on from this need to check in he is ok? I am not ok and I know he will not be either. He has his family etc but ultimately it’s the end of what was in all essence a happy and loving relationship. I feel pain cutting it dead but also realise that anything else just keeps me in a feedback loop where I’m still codependent with him
Not sure if this is a good place to try?
My relationship with my (ex ) partner has been mostly lovely.
There has been a couple of occasions where I’ve been concerned about his drinking and I previously ended the relationship over some quite extreme drunkenness but changed my mind as though it was my over reaction (I am also the adult child of an alcoholic parent).
He stopped drinking after that occasion and hasn’t drink for approx 8 months.
This weekend he was meeting and old friend who apparently prior to the meeting was hassling my partner to drink with him.
Later on he messaged me and made a point of saying he’d had one drink at the behest of said friend.
All his friends know about his drink problem and the majority of them were pleased to see he’d ’stopped’ drinking.
I was suspicious when I read ‘one drink’ as felt it was unnecessary specific detail.
My partner drove to mine from the meeting and when I saw him was slurring and had wet himself. I made him leave there and then and said I’d call the police unless he used a cab to get home.
He insisted he’d only had one drink but clearly he hadn’t. He hadn’t realised he was wet ( which he does every time he drinks ).
I have ended the relationship and a big part of it is because he lied but also because he was dui.
After his marriage ended he tried to take his life and has no recollection of this. It ended a few years ago but from things he’s said I’m not sure he’s really over it. It was a very long marriage.
Apart from a couple of incidents we were very happy together and I believed very much in love, with future plans.
I have kids and he has adult kids who have told me their childhoods were very much impacted by his drinking .
As times have progressed I’ve learned more about this from them and also from his friends and family that his drinking was a concern for them. Everyone keeps saying how. Happy they are he’s stopped drinking and he gets loads of praise but I felt he could have done a lot more than just abstain, everyone is different and I wanted to give him a chance and respect his decision to do it alone
I feel a fool for so many reasons but because of my past am also doubtful about my own behaviour and validity of my feelings.
Am I being too harsh or was I right to end things?
I’m so sad. But also feel a bit of a dick because I know of his history.
I don’t know why I’ve overlooked it really. I guess blind optimism. I’m also autistic so probably take people at face value a bit too much even though I have lifelong experience of addiction in my family, ex partners etc.
I don’t connect well with many people and am quite vulnerable to men and friends and spend a lot of time alone and lonely.
hes the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt safe and secure and loved. He’s kind and gentle and loving and generous and we have so much in common. I believe he might be autistic too and may be why I have overlooked this thing.
i never knew him to drive drunk although I did suspect it once very early in our relationship
I lost a parent to alcohol related problems two years ago too. I can’t be with someone who drunk drives and I can’t have an alcoholic in the lives of my kids.
sense. I am so so sad . I knew he had been over confident in believing he could practice complete abstinence without doin the work but I chose to ’believe’ him whilst deep down knowing that it was highly improbable that he wouldn’t fall off the wagon at some point.
I just wanted our relationship and all of the good bits whilst deep down knowing I’d have to face his alcoholism again but hoping not.
yes as you say this is highly likely linked to my being an acoa and a huge familiarity because of that and me and xbf have known each other our whole lives so there was a sense of safety and security I never had before , operating on multiple levels.
A codependent dry drunk relationship?!
I don’t know how to move forward, it is extremely early days. I know how he operates and he will be practical and just get on with the next stage, hopefully getting help and support from his friends and family.
he has very close friends and family and I am very much alone apart from my children.
i have lots of friends but no close safe ones which is probably why I clung so hard to this one too
How do I move on from this need to check in he is ok? I am not ok and I know he will not be either. He has his family etc but ultimately it’s the end of what was in all essence a happy and loving relationship. I feel pain cutting it dead but also realise that anything else just keeps me in a feedback loop where I’m still codependent with him
That’s so sad for you and (and him).
It sounds like you know you need to make a clean break but I understand how hard that will be. Sounds like you love him very much and he’s a good man who’s gone bad ways. Allow yourself time to grieve. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t save him but you can save yourself.
I think cutting contact is the right thing, you’re courageous and I bet you’re a fantastic mum x
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I don’t know how you move on, but you will, just think about one day at a time for now x
It sounds like you know you need to make a clean break but I understand how hard that will be. Sounds like you love him very much and he’s a good man who’s gone bad ways. Allow yourself time to grieve. You’re doing the right thing, you can’t save him but you can save yourself.
I think cutting contact is the right thing, you’re courageous and I bet you’re a fantastic mum x
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I don’t know how you move on, but you will, just think about one day at a time for now x