Mumsnet #37 Wipe down my cucumber and sanitise my Hovis, I need to get my dicks in a row!

[cowtastrophe]

On the "how often are you complimented for your looks" thread. Think this might be outing for them? It's clearly very real and definitely a woman, after all.

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If I was in the forest and a six foot wraith with long black hair and clown sized feet approached me I think I’d shit bricks.

 

[50degreesnorth]

I’ve seen a few threads over there recently about alcohol levels in puddings and how they should have WARNINGS. Aye pet, that’s why you see teenagers binge-eating family tubs of tiramisu.

 

[50degreesnorth]

Straight from the breast to the mean streets of Henley-on-Thames with only a farrow & ball colour swatch and a Coutts bank account to their names.

 

[holasun]

Ahh admittedly not long ago we replaced all our crockery. And the plates ARE huge and now my kitchen cupboard doors don't shut properly (because it's a 90s kitchen in desperate need of modernisation).
But I can get a WHOLE pizza on a plate which means it's all a net win.

 

[MochiRocket]

I’m exhausted just reading the hobbies thread in chat.
“I work full time, home school my children, do crochet, bobsleigh and hand gliding on a Monday. Tuesday is a quiet one where I learn Norwegian whilst using my loom. Wednesday is my lacrosse night, followed by a skydive if weather permitting. On Thursdays I volunteer at a cats rescue where I give talks to the cats on how to make their Whiskas last a week. Then it’s a quick session at my synchronised swimming lesson. Friday is devoted to pottery and my coaching of the girls water polo.
The weekends are spent foraging with the children.”

Fuck me.

 

[anniemouse]

It’s that bag of skin some ladies get after having a baby.

Isn’t that a husband?

 

[Duchessofmanchester]

Imagine spending £100 on a notebook and writing bleach arsehole in it.

 

[50degreesnorth]

It’s been a while since S&B have spoiled us.

I’ve found the perfect accessories for a bargain price.

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She wants it for a posh restaurant. Maybe she means McDonald’s have started doing kiddy parties again?

 

[Thank(space)you]

Some of us have never been married because our OH doesn't exist think of that you heartless vipers

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

Found an escaped MNer.

We've lost sight of what a normal plug socket looks like.

 

[holasun]

Imagine spending £100 on a notebook and writing bleach arsehole in it.

New thread title right there

 

[orangehead]

Urgh. You don’t have sex with your DH do you? That’s so unhygienic. I didn’t have sex with my husband until my youngest was 19 as I was still breastfeeding.

We’re going to find a sterile lab, dettol it and ourselves, then DH will put on three pairs of latex gloves, each pair dettoled as they’re put on, he’ll ‘deposit’ into a sterile cup and then we’ll use a sterile implement to impregnate me and I’ll have a water birth but it’ll be 90% dettol and 10% water. Then on its 18th birthday we’ll kick it out on the street, go NC and sterilise our home.

 

[Brandshinynew]

I’ve seen a few threads over there recently about alcohol levels in puddings and how they should have WARNINGS. Aye pet, that’s why you see teenagers binge-eating family tubs of tiramisu.

Loitering in the park on a Friday night with a box of cherry liquer chocolates is how I spent my youth

 

[orangehead]

In Mumsnet land there’s about 6 countries

America - fat, guns, loud, bad kids
UK - fat, lazy, bad kids
Spain - where fat, lazy brits take their badly behaved kids on holiday and get sunburnt and drunk
Australia - where their kids move to and they get angry, where their siblings or siblings in law move to to and then don’t pull their weight in the family
Canada - see Australia
France - amazing, skinny people, well behaved kids

 

[Doll Parts]

This screenshot of a post sums up the prissiness and wannabe middle class-ness of the typical MN poster.
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‘Casual trainers’

it sounds less like a middle-class wannabe and more like a confused elderly person who has only just realised how discount codes and the internet works. Buying your clothes from a colour supplement is hardly high fashion.

 

[Geetbo]

I do love on any thread about porn, at least 50% of the thread will insist their husband is as disgusted by porn as they are and never watches it.

Course he doesn’t love.

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

On the "how often are you complimented for your looks" thread. Think this might be outing for them? It's clearly very real and definitely a woman, after all.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

@Eurgh @Geetbo and @Ineedmorecoffee are all to blame for this delightful title

Recently we've learned that mumsnetters are still having problems with wafty fannies, you should be kind to people who post close ups of their fannies on the internet because you never know what they are going through, and that apparently mumsnetters think tattlers are obsessed with poo and fannies. Go figure

 

[Girl#7]

The site is such a bore now, threads constantly deleted because they’re created by trolls and 100 people took the bait.

I've only been on that site for about one year. It's so repetitive - same issues - where no-one appears to search for previous threads where advice/information has been provided.

I only read threads mentioned on here or where they do not relate to (my top ten):

• Here are 15 clues my DH/OP/BF is cheating on me. Is he cheating on me?
• My parents are spending MY inheritance! What should I do?
• I am paid too much and have no idea why others are struggling. Why are YOU struggling?
• I have a fantastic BF who earns an average wage. Should I ditch him for the billionaire who has fallen heavily for me based on one photograph of me?
• My children as sooooo gifted. At age 8, they have progressed from crayons to pencils. Anyone else with almost equally gifted children?
• My PFB is heading to uni. Apart from the three bed house and car we've bought them, the cleaner we've employed and the £3k per month spends (to exclude foreign travel which we will fund separately) is there anything else we should provide?
• The NHS is shite. They don't tolerate lunatic my demands. The NHS is shite. The NHS is shite. Anyone got contact details of PALS and an indication of much money I will get for the NHS being shite.
• I hate all children, except my own who are models of perfection++++ in everything - stunning good looking, extremely popular, academically brilliant, Olympic standard sportspeople, musical proteges etc. Why don't others produce children as wonderful as mine??? Is it my and their father's superb genetics? Could it be just that we excel at parenting? Or both?
• I'm exhausted. My elderly mother demands far too much attention. She wants me to visit for an hour (sometimes more) per month. She could could afford a great nursing home but I'm reluctant to arrange this for her. How do I deprive her of capital to ensure the taxpayer picks up the tab? (Not too concerned about the legality of this, just want to make sure I get as much as I can out of the old goat before she's carted off to a crummy home where I can forget about her and free up an hour per month to use on life admin.)
• Why am I always being asked for ID when I'm 48? I know I'm v.v. pretty, teeny-tiny, and enchanting in a child-like way, but WHY are they asking for ID????

As a breed, I'm beginning to loathe them.

 

[Kikini Bamalam]

We've lost sight of what a normal sized plate should look like for our teeny tiny baby sparrow portions
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Yeah that 25mm extra makes all the difference. You can get at least another 3 green beans on that plate.
The silly cunt does know you don't have to fill the plate up to the edges, doesn't she?