Would you cut them out?

[2xblended]

Wondering if you'd give any of the people described a second chance? These people being friends, not family or romantic partners.

Person 1- Regularly picks up calls on speaker phone when with a group of friends, thus broadcasting your conversation without your knowledge. Continues to do this in spite of being asked not to.

Person 2- In an argument, says they want to slap you so hard that you get knocked unconscious and learn to do as you're told. Never actually gets into fist fights, but the threat happens whenever this person is angered. Note, this person is easily angered when not "obeyed" because they know better and can "fix you".

Person 3- On two occasions, has eavesdropped on conversations, knowing full well my hatred for invasion of privacy in this manner.

Person 4- Tells a mutual friend who is suicidal that they should just go kill themselves already if they're going to be selfish like that.

These are all people I've actually known and, despite them being great in other ways, I've chosen to cut out of my life due to these behaviours.
I've been told I'm being unreasonable (particularly regarding nos 1 & 3- both of whom I feel don't value privacy and the lack of ethics bothers me). Wondering if I'm the only one who would rather be alone than put up with tit like this from supposed friends?

ETA: I've been told to give them all a second chance because people make mistakes, but these are people in their late 30s-early 40s, so I can't understand their behaviour at all. Really interested to hear if others think I am being unreasonable or would do the same as me. Open to correcting my actions if I'm in the wrong.

 

[LoisLane]

Difficult to say without context but...

Person 1- Don’t keep phoning them with your personal business.

Person 2- Cut them out, they sound psychotic.

Person 3- Doesn’t sound like a big deal to me. But if it’s upset you that much then yeah cut them out.

Person 4- Sounds like this is an issue between the other two people.

This is your life, if you’ve decided to cut them out then others should respect your boundaries.

 

[JoeBloggs]

From the information on your post, if YOU want to stay friends with them.

Person 1 - Don’t call to speak about anything you don’t want public.

Person 2 - cut them out, that’s no okay.

Person 3 - again if you don't want them to hear don’t speak about those topics near them.

Person 4 - While that’s horrific, do you know the full situation and does that effect you relationship with them?

Only you can decide to be friends or not with these people. It sounds like they are perhaps not suited to you and perhaps you need new friends.

 

[Chandler Bing]

Without even reading your post, honestly if you have to ask then yes.

Having read your post, yes.

 

[littlepup]

It’s hard to say without context.
1&3. You don’t need to cut people off. You can just adjust how you approach them/what you say to them, I think they would be best in that situation.
2. Are they serious? Are they aggressive or exasperated? If serious and agree since with it, I’d give them a wide birth. Doesn’t even sound like they particularly like you if they are like this toward you.
4. Do they have a history of dealing with suicidal people, has their life been affected by it? Again, you don’t have to cut them off but I wouldn’t expect empathy or sympathy from them.

You obviously have very high standards, could they be too high? It’s hard to say without context. I think, If you cut people off quite easily you can soon end up with no one so sometimes you have to give not just them but yourself a break.
I have a friend that is a total blabber mouth. Not malicious, just forgets and says anything you tell them. So we just don’t tell them anything that can’t be shared. No biggy, I have other friends for that role.
I also had a friend that would use what you told them in confidence to gain advantage, or to act like they were in the loop where others weren’t. That wasn’t acceptable as it wasn’t about blabbing but manipulating information and betraying/using me.
It really all depends on the friends motives and reasons.

 

[Kim Mild]

1. I wouldn't phone them at all. I'd probably keep communicating by text or dm . Although being aware they dont respect your wishes has probably damaged your friendship.
2 . I'd wait til an argument then really argue without holding back before cutting off. They aren't the boss/don't know better and likely need reminding.
3 . I'm undecided . Depends how deliberate their eavesdropping was ? Was it 1's phone call cos that is circumstantial. Also depends what they did with the information.
4 .Yes , what would they be like if another friend or you went through hard times?


Like someone else said, the fact you've thought about cutting them off probably means the damage is already done.

 

[Scorpihoe]

Cut them all off. Life is too short to have people like that in your life.

 

[1001 others]

Person 1- are they a good friend despite this? If so, just keep your phone conversations short and sweet; save discussion for in-person.

Person 2- Cut them off without a second thought.

Person 3- Untrustworthy - I'd let them go.

Person 4- Perhaps needs a lesson in empathy - that it's not all about them.

 

[Raininvain]

Number 2 and 4 would be long gone. It depends with the other 2 on the circumstances. Whatever, if your uncomfortable or very unhappy with the person then do what's best for yourself.
I think anyone who's abusive verbally or physically should be just got rid of straight away. They wont get any better and you don't want to end up being attacked. Theres some really horrible people about and whilst you are wasting your time with them your not going to meet better people.

 

[ChloeBee]

1 and 3 not so much
2 needs to go. Toxic
4 they maybe need educating or challenging, if you can challenge them and encourage them to learn about how to deal with mental health problems then try move forwards, if not then bye

 

[Definitelyme]

Person 1: I wouldn’t phone them anymore. No need for that ridiculous behaviour, but I wouldn’t cut them out, maybe back off a bit.

Person 2: Gone without a doubt. They sound abusive, verbal threats are abuse.

Person 3: Wouldn’t cut them out, as with no1 just be careful what you say and when you know they are about don’t talk about stuff you don’t want them to hear.

Person 4: Same as person 2.

 

[2xblended]

Lots of food for thought, thank you all for your replies. I'm torn about 1 and 3, because most other people don't see it as a big deal, but both of them are really snoopy, regularly cross boundaries and invade other people's privacy (go through drawers when visiting, go out of their way to eavesdrop, disclose personal information to others, that sort of thing).
I'm very careful about what I say to either of them and barely communicate with them anymore, but I started thinking what's the point of having friends you have to be wary of, isn't it better to just cut ties?
It does seem I would need to reconsider both 1 and 3. I think I've been so badly burned by the other two people that it's making me want to isolate myself, lol.

Person 3 - again if you don't want them to hear don’t speak about those topics near them.

I wasn't the one speaking in these instances. One example, someone was confiding in me regarding her abusive marriage- that is a very difficult subject in itself. This person snuck up and put his ear to the door to eavesdrop on this very private conversation. I opened the door unexpectedly because I felt something was off and he came crashing down. I was so upset at that childish behaviour but others around me think it's not a big deal.

Person 4 - While that’s horrific, do you know the full situation and does that effect you relationship with them?

I know the suicidal person and they went on to attempt twice and have been left with permanent damage from the pills they swallowed.
I also know the exact situation of the conversation I posted about because I was present for it. Person A (depressed, suicidal) called Person B (friend I have cut off) saying they felt they couldn't go on. Person B snapped back asking why she's calling him and that she should just kill herself already, then disconnected the call.
I was mortified and called Person A repeatedly to try figure out where they were, to soothe them, to get them to phone a helpline. She didn't respond. A little bit later, I get a call from her mother that she's in A&E.
It was truly a traumatizing thing for me to experience. The person whom I described feels no guilt around his choice of words or the way he handled that very delicate situation. He cares but said that he's not powerful enough to stop someone from committing suicide. Which, yes, I get that none of us are- but we shouldn't help push them off the ledge either!

4 they maybe need educating or challenging, if you can challenge them and encourage them to learn about how to deal with mental health problems then try move forwards, if not then bye

I've tried to suggest this but he's stubborn. He is very knowledgeable about mental health and is quick to suggest therapy to anyone who needs it. But with suicide (though he's never had anyone previously attempt) he is adamant that suicidal people should not waste everyone's time and should just follow through. I find it very hard to look at him the same way now that I know this.

Doesn’t even sound like they particularly like you if they are like this toward you.

Claims to love me, I'm their best friend, yet regularly threatens to hit me because I don't follow his orders.

You obviously have very high standards, could they be too high? It’s hard to say without context. I think, If you cut people off quite easily you can soon end up with no one so sometimes you have to give not just them but yourself a break.

This is my biggest worry. Normally, I'm very laid back and I just observe people, take note of things that may be dodgy (aggressive behaviour, for instance) and adjust how I communicate with them moving forward. I don't ever cut people out of my life.
But right now, I feel differently. I've had a lot of people die around me this year (due to covid, cancer, suicide). I feel like I've lost the best people in my life and I don't want to spend my time with these other people who don't share my values. It could be I'm setting an unreasonable bar because I'm grieving. That's why I posted the thread for more objective opinions.

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts.

 

[littlepup]

Thanks to all of you for your thoughts.

Can I ask how old these people are? If these people are responsible, sociable adults, given the context they come off as, quite frankly, terrible, toxic people and You’re right to have high standards!! You just don’t go in other people’s draws or listen at doors if you’re a happy, content person. It sounds like these people are either externally paranoid or more likely, trying to gain information to be ‘in the know’ to further themselves and gain attention. To be the one with all the info.
As for the other two, I understand frustration but all of these people sound horrendously selfish and selfish does not make good friends.

 

[2xblended]

Can I ask how old these people are?

37, 38, 42, 44. Fully grown and should know better in my opinion.

To be the one with all the info.

I think it's a little of what you mentioned earlier- they want to have info to gain power and use it against people. Even if it's just simple curiosity, I have issues with that. I'm not about gossiping and eavesdropping, not even when I was a teenager, so it really rubs me the wrong way.

selfish does not make good friends.

So true. And I'm at a point where I just feel the effort of maintaining these friendships isn't worth it to me. These are people I don't fully trust to respect boundaries, have shown they cannot be polite when presenting an opposing viewpoint, and they cannot be trusted in an emergency....

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Person 2 is a narcissist and I would definitely cut them out of my life.

Person 1 just don’t reveal any personal things in a phone call.

Person 4 is just bloody heartless, get rid.

Person 3 I’m not sure about that one.

 

[2xblended]

Person 2 is a narcissist and I would definitely cut them out of my life.

Oh, if you don't mind, how is that behaviour narcissistic? I'm seriously asking as I'd love to be clued up.
I saw it as merely abusive/controlling/sexist (I'm the man and you will do as I say).

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Oh, if you don't mind, how is that behaviour narcissistic? I'm seriously asking as I'd love to be clued up.
I saw it as merely abusive/controlling/sexist (I'm the man and you will do as I say).

Abusive and controlling are traits of a narcissist.

 

[Missgobby124]

Wondering if you'd give any of the people described a second chance? These people being friends, not family or romantic partners.

Person 1- Regularly picks up calls on speaker phone when with a group of friends, thus broadcasting your conversation without your knowledge. Continues to do this in spite of being asked not to.

Person 2- In an argument, says they want to slap you so hard that you get knocked unconscious and learn to do as you're told. Never actually gets into fist fights, but the threat happens whenever this person is angered. Note, this person is easily angered when not "obeyed" because they know better and can "fix you".

Person 3- On two occasions, has eavesdropped on conversations, knowing full well my hatred for invasion of privacy in this manner.

Person 4- Tells a mutual friend who is suicidal that they should just go kill themselves already if they're going to be selfish like that.

These are all people I've actually known and, despite them being great in other ways, I've chosen to cut out of my life due to these behaviours.
I've been told I'm being unreasonable (particularly regarding nos 1 & 3- both of whom I feel don't value privacy and the lack of ethics bothers me). Wondering if I'm the only one who would rather be alone than put up with tit like this from supposed friends?

ETA: I've been told to give them all a second chance because people make mistakes, but these are people in their late 30s-early 40s, so I can't understand their behaviour at all. Really interested to hear if others think I am being unreasonable or would do the same as me. Open to correcting my actions if I'm in the wrong.

You are NOT in the wrong here. You did what was best for YOU, and that is honestly so good because many people don’t have the self respect or mind to be able to do that. Don’t regret your decisions and don’t let anyone guilt trip you into feeling guilty or forgiving them. It’s your life and you control who enters it. And these people are GROWN.. when reading I thought “teenagers?” but they’re bloody grown adults? Awful! You did the right thing don’t ever feel guilty. You’ll feel so much happier without those crappy people in your life, they had absolutely zero respect for you