Worried about friend.

[GiggleBee]

I think if your friend is in an controlling situation it's not really your business, all you can do is be there if and when she comes to you. She's in a new relationship so may just be wrapped up in that and maybe finds all the messages and offers of 'help' too much and overbearing. I certainly would, if I'm spending time with my OH and kept getting messages when I hadn't replied to that friend it would feel like being hassled and offering to take my kid out would annoy me as well. Maybe just take a step back and if and when she's ready to reach out to you she will do. I think suggestions of contacting her kids nursery was way OTT and a sure fire way of losing her forever.

I was never going to contact the nursery and I only offered to take the little girl out because I used to have her once a week anyway until all this started.

Theres alot more to this story than I can say. Maybe I shouldnt have tried to reach out for help, I just needed somewhere to vent really but I know not to bother next time.

 

[Oohthedrama]

Be good if a Mod would come and keep this thread on topic

No need to be rude.

I think if your friend is in an controlling situation it's not really your business, all you can do is be there if and when she comes to you. She's in a new relationship so may just be wrapped up in that and maybe finds all the messages and offers of 'help' too much and overbearing. I certainly would, if I'm spending time with my OH and kept getting messages when I hadn't replied to that friend it would feel like being hassled and offering to take my kid out would annoy me as well. Maybe just take a step back and if and when she's ready to reach out to you she will do. I think suggestions of contacting her kids nursery was way OTT and a sure fire way of losing her forever.

glad to see others can look at it from a different perspective and not just label a relationship as abusive because one friend has pulled away slightly.

I made my comment based on past post history and contacting an abuse helpline/Claire’s law/contacting pre school talk,
based on nothing more than the user having hurt feelings because the guy “doesn’t like her” and feeling let down by the friend, which the user has experienced and posted about before, just with different friends.

think what you like but this is EXTREME based on nothing.

I offered a different opionion, the pandemic has us all struggling if different ways.
And my comment was twisted into implying she’s crazy, which,
just proves my point.

If theres ever trouble on these posts it seems to stem from you.

Other people do see what im seeing in my real life. No my mental health isnt great but Im not 'crazy'

as soon as someone didn’t agree, it went to attack So maybe that’s happened with the friend/her boyfriend as well.

 

[nbt]

@GiggleBee You sound like you’re a great friend as you obviously have concerns and have sought advice here.

I agree with the other posters that have advised you to keep being there for your friend. I think you’ll just have to try and keep the conversation as normal as possible and be a listening ear for her if she needs it. Just keep an eye out for further warning signs and see if more needs to be done.

Best of luck.

 

[under the ivy]

To keep ON TOPIC

You have every right to be worried about your friend. It doesn’t make you crazy. Have you tried reaching out to them? There’s not much you can do but letting your friend know you’re there for them may be a source of comfort to you.

 

[jarv]

Sorry your thread has ended up this way @GiggleBee ultimately you're concerned about your friend and you weren't asking for opinions on your own mental health so no such assertions needed to be made. I sincerely hope that your friend is safe. All you can do is see how things go and be there for her if she needs it, with kindness, I do hope that you are wrong and that your friend is just doing the whole "forgetting about other people" thing people sometimes do in new relationships

 

[GiggleBee]

To keep ON TOPIC

You have every right to be worried about your friend. It doesn’t make you crazy. Have you tried reaching out to them? There’s not much you can do but letting your friend know you’re there for them may be a source of comfort to you.

Thank you, Ive reached out, sometimes she replies (normally only a sentence) other times its days without a reply. Its hard, I am a worrier and I am full of anxiety but Im also not stupid, my gut tells me something isn't right and I believe that there is alot more going on behind closed doors.

Im going to just keep being here for her and hopefully she will be okay

 

[watermelon sugar]

@GiggleBee I think you're a very good friend for showing concern. I hope my friends look out for me the way you seem to be if I was in trouble. If things don't add up to you and make you concerned, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Just keep being there for your friend and keep an eye out for red flags! And most of all be there for her x

 

[GiggleBee]

@GiggleBee I think you're a very good friend for showing concern. I hope my friends look out for me the way you seem to be if I was in trouble. If things don't add up to you and make you concerned, you don't have to explain yourself to anyone. Just keep being there for your friend and keep an eye out for red flags! And most of all be there for her x

Thank you, that means alot. Im definitely gonna be there for her regardless.

 

[Georgethecat]

I was never going to contact the nursery and I only offered to take the little girl out because I used to have her once a week anyway until all this started.

Theres alot more to this story than I can say. Maybe I shouldnt have tried to reach out for help, I just needed somewhere to vent really but I know not to bother next time.

That's good you wouldn't contact the nursery, and yeah makes sense if you used to look after her kid a lot you will have a relationship with her. I do get it to an extend but have experience of being close friends with someone who was in an abusive relationship, it all came to a head one night when we were all on a weekend away in another part of the country, he completed kicked off and showed his true colours, but there was nothing I could do to stop it, I offered her a place to stay for a few nights after we came back home and then she went back to him... they stayed together for a couple of years after that, she had her own reasons for staying I suppose but I made sure she knew I was there for her and wouldn't judge or stick my nose in. To be honest we drifted apart a lot during that time wasn't wanting to be involved in any drama , she knew where I was if she needed me but really with grown adults they can make their own decisions. Even when people are being cheated on they won't thank you for exposing it... usually you'll get made out to be the badguy. If her partner is controlling and abusive then I really hope she sees sense for her and her kids sake.

 

[Ohflogoff]

Ive tried and there is always an excuse as to why she cant. Even offered to take her little one to the farm, she agreed, was happy for me to take her then the day before she came up with aload of excuses why I couldn't. Thankfully the farm refunded the tickets.



I think shes always with him so even if I did bump into her he would be there.



Im need to look at domestic abuse things but I know most are aimed at the person being abused.

Im still messaging her ect but its sad when there is no or little reply. Especially as we used to be so close.



There is so many red flags. Another is hed only met her little girl twice when I met him and he was kissing her all over her face ect.

Kissing who? Her or her child?

 

[Sunshine&clouds]

Could you change your strategy and be more positive about things? The trouble with this worrying is that it can and possibly is backfiring. If your friend is in a potentially dangerous relationship, you will do more to help her if you're on side.

This may be difficult for you, but if she doesn't have much contact with her family and other friends, with you out of the frame, who does she have? It's natural for her to protect him, even if he isn't great to her she's emotionally invested in this relationship and may be in love, so she'll choose you over him every time.

If he is dodgy and stopping her having contact with friends, you're playing right into his hands. You need to be on the inside as much as possible. I'd completely stop the route of trying to convince her he's bad. Thats going nowhere fast. I would apologise and say I was just jealous of the fact that now they're together, you're seeing her less. Say you miss her.

I don't know how well you can do this, but I'd back off but send the odd text, maybe a funny meme. Don't say anything negative about him. You may be worrying unnecessarily, you may not, but you need to be approachable if she does need you, so stay calm and see how things go. I hope she is ok.

 

[GiggleBee]

Kissing who? Her or her child?

Her child

Kissing who? Her or her child?

Could you change your strategy and be more positive about things? The trouble with this worrying is that it can and possibly is backfiring. If your friend is in a potentially dangerous relationship, you will do more to help her if you're on side.

This may be difficult for you, but if she doesn't have much contact with her family and other friends, with you out of the frame, who does she have? It's natural for her to protect him, even if he isn't great to her she's emotionally invested in this relationship and may be in love, so she'll choose you over him every time.

If he is dodgy and stopping her having contact with friends, you're playing right into his hands. You need to be on the inside as much as possible. I'd completely stop the route of trying to convince her he's bad. Thats going nowhere fast. I would apologise and say I was just jealous of the fact that now they're together, you're seeing her less. Say you miss her.

I don't know how well you can do this, but I'd back off but send the odd text, maybe a funny meme. Don't say anything negative about him. You may be worrying unnecessarily, you may not, but you need to be approachable if she does need you, so stay calm and see how things go. I hope she is ok.

Ive never told her he was bad or I didn't like him. Ive told her I miss seeing her and the kids. Ive asked to meet up but theres always an excuse.

Maybe it is me. It sounds stupid but she brought me the most amazing Christmas gift. Something you can't get in the UK and would of cost a fortune to ship and to me you wouldn't go to that trouble for someone you didnt like? We were so close before this, basically like sisters. Now, I feel I dont even know who she is.

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I would leave it and stop messaging.
My friend got into a new relationship and has dropped off the face of the earth and now we don’t speak at all, I tried to make the effort but they weren’t interested.

 

[GiggleBee]

I would leave it and stop messaging.
My friend got into a new relationship and has dropped off the face of the earth and now we don’t speak at all, I tried to make the effort but they weren’t interested.

But what if you were the only person to keep in contact with her?

My brain tells me to leave her but my heart says one day shell need someone and I need to be there for her.

 

[Sunshine&clouds]

Her child




Ive never told her he was bad or I didn't like him. Ive told her I miss seeing her and the kids. Ive asked to meet up but theres always an excuse.

Maybe it is me. It sounds stupid but she brought me the most amazing Christmas gift. Something you can't get in the UK and would of cost a fortune to ship and to me you wouldn't go to that trouble for someone you didnt like? We were so close before this, basically like sisters. Now, I feel I dont even know who she is.

She could quite simply be so enthralled with this guy that she's happy just being with him. We've all probably done this. I do think you may be over analysing this and that this is more about you feeling rejected than anything else. You say you're worried for her safety and then question whether she likes you anymore.

You miss her, but friendship isn't about owning people. Friendships change sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. You can't rely on nothing changing and it's natural that things do. She seems to be choosing to spend all her time with him and that hurts you. But she's an adult, with a child. It's not unreasonable for her to want a relationship. It's what most adults do. Her brother is unconcerned and despite you thinking there's lots of red flags, you admit no-one else is worried.

Have you other friends you can spend time with, or family? You may need to broaden your horizons too.

 

[GiggleBee]

She could quite simply be so enthralled with this guy that she's happy just being with him. We've all probably done this. I do think you may be over analysing this and that this is more about you feeling rejected than anything else. You say you're worried for her safety and then question whether she likes you anymore.

You miss her, but friendship isn't about owning people. Friendships change sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently. You can't rely on nothing changing and it's natural that things do. She seems to be choosing to spend all her time with him and that hurts you. But she's an adult, with a child. It's not unreasonable for her to want a relationship. It's what most adults do. Her brother is unconcerned and despite you thinking there's lots of red flags, you admit no-one else is worried.

Have you other friends you can spend time with, or family? You may need to broaden your horizons too.

Ive got plenty of other friends and family but she was my best friend. Maybe your right, maybe I just need to let it all go.

 

[Hope96]

But what if you were the only person to keep in contact with her?

My brain tells me to leave her but my heart says one day shell need someone and I need to be there for her.

I think perhaps letting her know you are there for her no matter what or you're a message away if she needs a chat is sufficient at the moment? I've had friends say to me that they'll be there when I need them and not all but some most certainly have when I've reached out for support even when I've fallen off the radar. Perhaps not the best advice but I think others have given good advice.

 

[tyrellsg]

Hello just wanted to offer a few words, OP you sound like such a caring person, do what feels right. Nobody knows the situation better than you so go with your gut.

I hope i dont trigger anyone or jump on this thread for any reason but to offer support but I am in a tit situation and have been for a long time now. I have nobody to reach out to and for years I have longed for a friend, well anyone really to reach out and ask that important question is everything okay.

You just never know what someone is going through.

Let her know your there for her.

Sending you love op