Worried about ageing parents

[krillernew]

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone has felt this way and what has helped you cope. I’m in my early twenties and ever since I can remember I’ve worried so much about my parents. I worry about their health, well-being, memory problems, financial state and also about them dying. My parents had me a bit later in life so they’ve always been a lot older than all my friends’ parents. They aren’t in the best of health but not the worst either. They don’t have a good relationship so I know they can’t rely on each other emotionally. They also aren’t financially set because of poor decisions they’ve made but they were immigrants and moved to England and built a life without any help and had to help their families back home so I understand it must’ve been really tough back then.

I know worrying won’t change anything. I’m just laying here awake in the middle of the night thinking about it. I sometimes feel envious of people my age that don’t have to worry about their young/healthy parents and can just get on with their lives. Does anyone feel guilty knowing their parents are getting older when you’re out living your life? I find it all so stressful to deal with and it often really upsets me. I find it so difficult to watch them getting older and more frail to the point where I don’t know how to deal with it and worry myself to death. Does anyone have any experience with this and/or advice? Thank you for reading

 

[Beachbabe]

I’ve got no experience but I am a parent, of an only child. And I will just say as a parent most of us want our children to be out there living their best lives.

Have you thought about contacting social services for some help or even some advice? That way you could get some things in place for when they really will need the help.

Take it easy on yourself, you sound like a very thoughtful person but it wasn’t your choice to be born late on in your parents life.

 

[HoGi]

Yup. My parents were 40 and 46 when they had me. So by my mid 20s they were already late 60s/early 70s.

It is tough! I felt like I couldn't support them like my colleagues who had similarly aged parents did. Mainly because I was 20 years younger!! Most people with elderly parents were part time or more stable financially so were able to cut hours to help out. I couldn't do that.

The flip side is that I don't have kids of my own whereas if I was 20 years older I might. So I only had parents to look out for not kids as well.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid. It is tough. My friends didn't understand as their parents were all a lot younger. The main thing I would say is ask for professional help (social services) as early as possible. Don't leave it until you are desperate as it doesn't out you any higher up the list. You start at the bottom regardless.

 

[Murphygirl]

I can totally relate to this. I'm an only child and moved 200 miles away 6 years ago with my now husband. My parents always kept in good health but it always worried me that is something happened I wasn't close by and had no other siblings to help. Last year unfortunately it all came to a head as out of the blue, my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and my dad had a breakdown. I spent the summer travelling up and down to visit and taking my dad to visit my mum when she was in hospital. What I would say is are there any neighbours that can keep an eye out for them and keep a spare key for emergencies? My mum and dad's neighbours were great, they had to call me a couple of times when my dad had a fall. This lead me to arranging a pendant alarm with social services which meant they had someone on call if something happened. They also recommended a key safe for outside the house, which home carers, emergency services etc could use to access if the house if nobody is around and they need entry.

 

[laughing]

Someone once said to me that they are your parents and you are not their carer.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Have you spoken to them about your concerns? Perhaps it would be good to speak to them, maybe they have plans in place that they haven't told you about and it is also good for you to understand their wishes.

I would suggest getting LPA (lasting power of attorney) for both wealth and health or at least health now. I have it for my parents at their wish and they are only in their early 60s. It will sit dormant, until such time as its needed but if it is left and they cannot give it you have to go to court to obtain permissions.

I bet they would not want you to worry and miss out on your life, they have lived theirs and still are. Could you encourage them to join a group or go on a little trip so they get out more? I know it is hard, but live for the now. Enjoy them while you can and spend time with them. The future can be a big worry for us all but we have no idea what's coming and worrying the time you have away you won't get it back.

 

[Kim Mild]

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone has felt this way and what has helped you cope. I’m in my early twenties and ever since I can remember I’ve worried so much about my parents. I worry about their health, well-being, memory problems, financial state and also about them dying. My parents had me a bit later in life so they’ve always been a lot older than all my friends’ parents. They aren’t in the best of health but not the worst either. They don’t have a good relationship so I know they can’t rely on each other emotionally. They also aren’t financially set because of poor decisions they’ve made but they were immigrants and moved to England and built a life without any help and had to help their families back home so I understand it must’ve been really tough back then.

I know worrying won’t change anything. I’m just laying here awake in the middle of the night thinking about it. I sometimes feel envious of people my age that don’t have to worry about their young/healthy parents and can just get on with their lives. Does anyone feel guilty knowing their parents are getting older when you’re out living your life? I find it all so stressful to deal with and it often really upsets me. I find it so difficult to watch them getting older and more frail to the point where I don’t know how to deal with it and worry myself to death. Does anyone have any experience with this and/or advice? Thank you for reading

My parents had me late in life too . My dad was 82 when he died and I was in 30s. I feel like I was in the territory of people 20+ years my senior. I started a thread on here about older parents cos I think it can be so conscious of and it was nice to hear others experiences .

Do your parents worry about aging/ their mortality? There are people in the 70s / 80s who live life as normal. If your worrying is taking over your life , it isn't good for you. Try and take some of your worries and approach them practically to plan for the future. Some of the previous posters have given good advice.

Are you an only child? Is there a language barrier that makes you worry ?

There are funeral plans that can be paid for in advance that can take some of the financial worry.

You could approach preparing for the future with them , but they may not be ready to make any plans yet . Sometimes it takes a scare to make people sort our power of attorney etc.

 

[Murphygirl]

Have you spoken to them about your concerns? Perhaps it would be good to speak to them, maybe they have plans in place that they haven't told you about and it is also good for you to understand their wishes.

I would suggest getting LPA (lasting power of attorney) for both wealth and health or at least health now. I have it for my parents at their wish and they are only in their early 60s. It will sit dormant, until such time as its needed but if it is left and they cannot give it you have to go to court to obtain permissions.

I bet they would not want you to worry and miss out on your life, they have lived theirs and still are. Could you encourage them to join a group or go on a little trip so they get out more? I know it is hard, but live for the now. Enjoy them while you can and spend time with them. The future can be a big worry for us all but we have no idea what's coming and worrying the time you have away you won't get it back.

Totally agree about the Power of Attorney, luckily my mum and dad had their's in place as my dad's mental health declined very quickly and I had to make decisions about putting him in care and selling the house. I hate to think how long it would have taken to go through a court if it hadn't been set up, even as an only child. It's the last thing you want to be worrying about on top of everything else when decisions need to be made.

Another thing that my mum and dad had if you could bring yourself to raise the topic is a folder with all their documents. It contained their wills, POA, funeral plans etc. They told me where it was kept so I could carry on with my life but be assured that should the worst happen, everything was taken care of and all the documents could be found in one place. Sadly when this did happen last year, I at least knew where everything was and dealing with solictors, doctors etc, everything was all in one place. If you could help set this up, it may put your mind at rest that you and they are prepared for all eventualities and concentrate on enjoying family life. While it won't stop you worrying about them, it may help to know you're equipped to deal with any issues.

 

[queenamber]

Totally agree with how you're feeling. I'm extremely close to both of my parents and have found myself really worrying about them lately. Luckily they're both in good health but I find myself worrying about how much time we have left together. I think this might have been brought on by the pandemic as I feel robbed of so much time with loved ones.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Totally agree about the Power of Attorney, luckily my mum and dad had their's in place as my dad's mental health declined very quickly and I had to make decisions about putting him in care and selling the house. I hate to think how long it would have taken to go through a court if it hadn't been set up, even as an only child. It's the last thing you want to be worrying about on top of everything else when decisions need to be made.

Another thing that my mum and dad had if you could bring yourself to raise the topic is a folder with all their documents. It contained their wills, POA, funeral plans etc. They told me where it was kept so I could carry on with my life but be assured that should the worst happen, everything was taken care of and all the documents could be found in one place. Sadly when this did happen last year, I at least knew where everything was and dealing with solictors, doctors etc, everything was all in one place. If you could help set this up, it may put your mind at rest that you and they are prepared for all eventualities and concentrate on enjoying family life. While it won't stop you worrying about them, it may help to know you're equipped to deal with any issues.

This is fantastic advice. My mum and dad have always been very open but dealing with my grandparents estates has made them see how hard things can be if you don't know where to start and when your trying to deal with it during a hard time in your life (death, illness etc) can make it so much harder. Having details to hand when the time comes helps everyone, even them should they forget things.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

I do worry about my mum, but for different reasons.

My mum raised me alone, she had me in her 30’s, but she was suffering really badly with depression, even before I came along.

My whole childhood I can remember her being a heavy drinker on and off and she often went through phases were she didn’t get out of bed. She even attempted suicide when I was 7 and again when I was in my 20’s.

Now I’m in my late 20’s, have my own house and a fiance, I worry about her all the time. She lives alone and doesn’t have a partner and I always worry about when the next relapse will be with her mental health. I find it so hard trying to support her. I have two older brothers, but one has schizophrenia and the other lives away.

She also has other health problems, mainly physical ones, nothing life threatening, but it’s just another challenge, sometimes it gets too much.

 

[F the dust.]

Instead my mam on mother's day last year, my anxiety is through the roof now about losing my dad. He's aged since mam went. 52 years together and he misses her terribly as do I. I couldn't bear to lose him as well. He's 75 and thankfully he's very active and he has a fantastic diet. But still. My hearts shattered and it will be unbearable to face it again. Sorry to derail but I get the worry the anxiety over it

 

[krillernew]

Instead my mam on mother's day last year, my anxiety is through the roof now about losing my dad. He's aged since mam went. 52 years together and he misses her terribly as do I. I couldn't bear to lose him as well. He's 75 and thankfully he's very active and he has a fantastic diet. But still. My hearts shattered and it will be unbearable to face it again. Sorry to derail but I get the worry the anxiety over it

I'm so sorry this is causing you so much worry. I completely understand, you are not alone It's easier said than done but I guess we all need to learn to worry less. How? I have absolutely no idea

Have you spoken to them about your concerns? Perhaps it would be good to speak to them, maybe they have plans in place that they haven't told you about and it is also good for you to understand their wishes.

I come from a culture where these things aren't discussed so it is a difficult topic to bring up. Some may view it as disrespectful so it's quite complex. I don't want to hurt their feelings by making them feel like I don't think they're capable anymore

My parents had me late in life too . My dad was 82 when he died and I was in 30s. I feel like I was in the territory of people 20+ years my senior. I started a thread on here about older parents cos I think it can be so conscious of and it was nice to hear others experiences .

Do your parents worry about aging/ their mortality?

Are you an only child? Is there a language barrier that makes you worry ?

I will take a look at that thread, thank you so much

I don't think they worry too much as far as I know. I guess they know they're getting older and just getting on with it.

I am not an only child, I have a few siblings. There's more of a culture clash than a language barrier because they were brought up completely differently.

 

[boobear191]

I can relate so much, I’m 19. My mum had me when she was early 40s.. I literally overthink way to much about it & worry myself sick that I’m running out of time or if I’ll be homeless if anything was to happen, I’ve got chronic depression & severe anxiety which I’m on medication for but these thoughts still live in my mind ALOT. Like I find myself worrying about my mum never being able to meet my future children (even though I am still very young) it’s such a horrible thing to think about I thought I was going crazy thinking if I’m weird for even thinking about these kind of things as I’m so so fortunate to still have both parents but they aren’t in the best health.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Hi everyone, just wondering if anyone has felt this way and what has helped you cope. I’m in my early twenties and ever since I can remember I’ve worried so much about my parents. I worry about their health, well-being, memory problems, financial state and also about them dying. My parents had me a bit later in life so they’ve always been a lot older than all my friends’ parents. They aren’t in the best of health but not the worst either. They don’t have a good relationship so I know they can’t rely on each other emotionally. They also aren’t financially set because of poor decisions they’ve made but they were immigrants and moved to England and built a life without any help and had to help their families back home so I understand it must’ve been really tough back then.

I know worrying won’t change anything. I’m just laying here awake in the middle of the night thinking about it. I sometimes feel envious of people my age that don’t have to worry about their young/healthy parents and can just get on with their lives. Does anyone feel guilty knowing their parents are getting older when you’re out living your life? I find it all so stressful to deal with and it often really upsets me. I find it so difficult to watch them getting older and more frail to the point where I don’t know how to deal with it and worry myself to death. Does anyone have any experience with this and/or advice? Thank you for reading

My parents, well my dad especially at the time I was born (1980) was older - 42 - and he was older than my friends’ parents.

I was 18 when my mum died and 29 when my dad died. My mum had cancer and died within 9 months of diagnosis, my dad fell ill first when I was 5, was healthy enough for a long time and then had further medical problems in his 60s. I feel really cheated that they weren’t here to see me marry or were able to be grandparents.

I really would urge you to speak to someone about this. I understand the way you’re thinking but as you say, it’s not going to prevent anything happening to them. I’m sorry to sound harsh but I lost two friends last year - one in an accident and one with an unknown medical condition. They were both in their 40s, both had kids, and neither had any idea when they got up in the morning that was their last day.

Enjoy spending time with your parents. Keep them busy, help them do things they enjoy - even if it’s getting them an Alexa so they can play their favourite music or puzzle books etc. Not every elderly person gets Alzheimer’s and has to go into a home or completely wastes away.

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I'm 32, my mum (63)/dad(63) /stepdad (60) - I know that is still very young but it still scares me so much that one day they won't be here. My mum is probably my best friend and I love her so much. we do so much together, we talk every other day, we go grocery shopping every Thursday, we meet up once a month for drinks at her house with my stepdad and my boyfriend and its always so much fun but always in the back of my head I worry about the day I have to be without her and that breaks my heart. I'm near crying even thinking about it.

I worry about something happening to my stepdad and my mum being alone, she doesn't really do a lot as in she's quiet, keeps herself to herself, very much like me so I overthink about her sat alone in the house sad. I know that's me just overthinking but I can't help it. Then I worry about something happening to my mum and then my stepdad being sat alone, though he goes out with his friends from time to time I'd worry about him hitting the drink hard and doing something stupid.
Both of them are quite big 'social' drinkers, but not in the alcoholic dependency kind of way or always in the pub kind of way, just more in the sense its just the two of them most of the time & they have a drink when watching football or at the weekend. They both are in relatively good health though.

My dad however hasn't got great health, he spent his life very dependent on alcohol, he has had numerous heart attacks, has been in and out of hospital with other issues too. He is really frail now and I worry so much about him however my other siblings live closer to him so I know he has the company and people looking out for him when I can't be there. My youngest sister (different mum) is 10! so naturally i worry about her too id anything was to happen to my dad.

I guess it doesn't help that my sister died, grandparents, stepmum, family friends - so it makes it a bit harder wondering who is next

My mum was really ill after her booster, in bed constantly sleeping and I was a mess thinking she needed to go to hosp and thinking all sorted. My nan died mid 70's from dementia and I worry about my mum's memory too but i know these are all things that I can't control and for now I should just be happy and content.

I know no amount of worrying will change the future or what will happen so I really do take advantage of the time i get to spend with my loved ones, and make as many memories as I can. I'm so glad I'm not alone in how I think. I always keep it in and tell nobody but its horrible.

 

[krillernew]

I'm sorry for the way you're feeling, it's so difficult to feel this way. You really aren't alone! I can relate to a lot of what you said about worrying. I think we often worry because it gives us the illusion of control but we know we can't control these things.

It's so lovely that you have such a wonderful relationship with your mum. So many of us (including me) long and wish for that and it sounds like you have made wonderful memories together which you can cherish. All my best wishes to you and your family

 

[krillernew]

I'm sorry for the way you're feeling, it's so difficult to feel this way. You really aren't alone! I can relate to a lot of what you said about worrying. I think we often worry because it gives us the illusion of control but we know we can't control these things.

It's so lovely that you have such a wonderful relationship with your mum. So many of us (including me) long and wish for that and it sounds like you have made wonderful memories together which you can cherish. All my best wishes to you and your family

@Tinkerbell cat

 

[Youre a wizard Harry]

I don’t have any advice but I can understand how you feel and the thoughts you are having.
My parents have a 12 year age gap (mum is 56, dad 68). At the back of my mind, I always thought that it would be my dad who’d be the one to need care first (but it wouldn’t be for years yet). But then my mum had a stroke at the end of last year and whilst she is recovering well, my dad cares for her a lot and I can see how exhausted he looks. I have worried since that either she would have a second stroke with a worse outcome, or that the toll of looking after my mum would cause my dad ill health.

For me, that was the moment that it hit home that my parents aren’t invincible and (sadly) won’t be around forever. I think that moment happens to a lot of us and that’s a huge thing for anyone to process.

Other posters have given some great advice and I echo theirs- enjoy the time you have with your parents- I’m sure they won’t want you to worry about them- and it sounds like you are a very thoughtful person.

 

[krillernew]

@Youre a wizard Harry Thank you so much for your reply and your kind words. I'm sorry that you are also familiar with these feelings and worries. It does help to know that it is a fact of life that would be difficult for anyone to process. I wish you and your family good health