Why does my mother in law tattle on me to my hubby, and how can I keep it from ruining our lives?

[marycollette]

Hi! I was just currious if any one has any experience with this annoyance. My mother in law is a very nosy, gossipy person and often tells only half true or untrue stories. I am her favorite person to gossip about to all the family and friends that we have in common. At one point it got cps at our door because she told someone at the church that I don't change or feed my children. And also that I'm a chronic hoarder who is never home. That made me very hurt and concerned. But the thing she does most that is causing the most strife in our house is tattle telling on me to my husband and it is causing fights. She steals our mail to show to him to make it look like i'm sneaky, and texts him about things I do during the day. Example: "Paul, did you know Sarah's taking a nap?" or "Paul, did you know that Sarah went to a dr.'s appointment this morning?" Sorry this is so long, I just need some perspective, amd advice. She is ruining my life and my marriage. I think she enjoys making people miserable. or, she hates me... she currently lives with us ( due to economic issues) My hubby has talked to her about it numerous times, but it occured to me a few weeks ago that there should be a way that we can work together to avoid the chaos. I just want to know a variety of meathods that we could use to make our lives run more smoothly. Any advice would be greay. We can't change her but we can change us.
Update: Yeah. I have issues with it as well as my hubby. But we tried with her. Time for us. I know there just HAS TO be a way to cut this drama out that won't hurt anyone's feelings or cause a huge war.

 

[Helen]

Moved to advice, finally a thread in this forum

 

[Heilo]

he situation is more difficult for you because she lives there. I would at least tried to take her out on a nice "date" and to talk to her. Maybe do that a few times to establish a new bond. She might look at you differently.
Explain your feelings and set some clear boundaries. Tell her it also hurt the relationship between you and her son. Appeal to her feelings. Also make sure you have space and me time so you have that extra energy to handle the situation.

 

[Oohthedrama]

@marycollette
My advice, you’re all adults, it doesn’t matter how you’re related you’re adults living under the one roof, your MIL needs to remember that anything said to your husband, you WILL know about, like wise anything said to you, he will know about. You’re a couple, she needs to respect that and actually, If shes honestly going near your mail she’s crossing serious lines.
Sit down with her (the 3 of you) as adults and talk to her out straight about it, tell her she’s very welcome where she is but rules need to put in place “for you all” and this gossiping behind people’s backs needs to stop.
You’re the woman of that house, you’re doing her a favour don’t forget that.
And she needs to back away, maybe encourage her to go visit family and friends more so you have time alone because it can’t be easy on your marriage.
But make sure you and your husband are a team throughout it all.
Keep being honest with him, she can’t do any real damage then.

And nap whenever the hell you want girl ?

 

[Oohthedrama]

The situation is more difficult for you because she lives there. I would at least tried to take her out on a nice "date" and to talk to her. Maybe do that a few times to establish a new bond. She might look at you differently.
Explain your feelings and set some clear boundaries. Tell her it also hurt the relationship between you and her son. Appeal to her feelings. Also make sure you have space and me time so you have that extra energy to handle the situation.

(Hangs head in shame.... ?)
Damn, my first reply was toss her knickers on the lawn, when she goes to get them lock the door and double bolt ?
I’m glad I edited it a bit ??‍
I aspire to be this nice...
but I’d have the locksmith on speed dial for sure ?

 

[snickerdoodle]

I have to say, you’re a far more patient and decent person than I am, because I would’ve shat in her tea by now.

 

[Mouse]

My MIL didn't live with us but was a Cat A witch

Husband thought the sun shone out of her arse and didn't/ wouldn't hear anything I said, it would backfire on me and she got what she wanted, we divorced.

My advice - kill her with kindness. Your hub will think you are ace, she will have nothing bad to say about you, and it will peck her frigging head. Really, it will driver her bonkers and what can she do?

Her: Son your wife is a nightmare
Son; Why?
Her: Well she is just so...........nice to me...
Son: How dare she???!!

See

Also try and ignore her devious ways and just smile and say awwwwwwww thanks for being so concerned about me etc etc etc

of course spit in her tea too.

 

[KawaiiAF]

Can I just say I'm really sorry you're in this position. I kinda understand, I've witnessed it with a family member in the same boat. The most important thing is that your husband isn't triggered by it nor you, the more you ignore her behaviour the better. The only way you can overcome it is if you two stand strong as a team. Every time she says something to him about you, his first response needs to be to protect you, and to let her know under no circumstances is she to tattle on you, he won't stand for it! That's what worked with my relatives, they had to be pie hot about it. I know it's difficult, but if you can find a way to move that would be the best option, then you don't need to deal with her at all. If it makes you feel any better, when she passes nobody will care, and there will be lots of light heartedness at the funeral, I know that's what I experienced! You can always imagine that on your worst days, lol

If it makes you feel any better, she is probably like a bunch of mothers with sons are, nobody is good enough for their little boy! I don't know why some mother's are like that, probably insecure or needy, I dated a guy once who bought me a really nice gift, and his mother was very upset he did not buy her the same gift. Which would be totally inappropriate for a mother, in fact she was a nightmare all around. He never protected me from her, and after we started to not get along for other reasons I met someone else and moved on. We stayed friends and he started to date a real witch (just like his mother!) with a child & she begged me to take him back HAHA. No thanks! I never in a million years thought that woman could like me, but deep down your mother in law probably does, she just finds it hard to show it.

Anyway I digress, she's only doing it because she's bored, insecure, still thinks she has power over her son and she (so far) is getting away with it. That has to stop. her actions must not have any affect on you guys, at least not outwardly to her. If it causes any probs, do it in private don't let her see. Be a constantly unified, happy front!

No amount of talking to her will help. she will not listen. She'll just enjoy the attention and aggro she's causing!

Meanwhile, listen to abe hicks if you like it, or it appeals to you, I love them they're fab! Here's a good free channel I found and enjoy but there are loadsss more you can search for that topic too
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-YgmJ_fR_eBNeUG1W4gOKg/playlists?disable_polymer=1

There's even a playlist about Relationships, not sure if there's anything about that, but it all helps. I'd start to write lists of all the things she does that I like, hard to do but even if it's only one thing, it will help shift the energy.

I have a shocking relationship with my parents, they are 'difficult' at best. If I don't stay focused on the positives with them, it flips into a hell hole in a short amount of time. If I stay on it, reading my lists once a day of all the things they've done for me, or that I appreciate about them, they turn into angels. It's bizarre, but it works!! Don't let her grind you down, you will win don't worry!! I always believe the good guys come out on top xx

 

[KawaiiAF]

btw it's illegal for anyone to open your letters. That's a serious crime, regardless if you share the same house.

 

[Greed-Futures]

There is only room for two people in a marriage. His mother isn't one of those people. It's important to present a united front, and back one another up. It's also important to form a set of rules together (i.e. we have rules about how close we can live to my mother in law, about not loaning/gifting her money, about how to respond to certain behavior from her, etc).

Having a live-in parent isn't ideal either. You and husband might want to sit down with her and work out when exactly she plans on obtaining her own living accommodations, or else this type of woman will continue to leach off you indefinitely. If she can't come up with a date, you need to make your own date she has to be out by. You may also want to talk through the exact behavior you both will not tolerate (this would be better coming from him).

You are being extremely generous allowing her to stay with you, don't let her take advantage of your hospitality and patience. She is walking all over you and as you say "ruining your marriage". She isn't worth ruining your marriage over.

 

[mksward]

I mean you could always put her in a home... Jokes aside just.

Just tell her if she wants to see the grandchildren she needs to get her act together. If she can't act like a responsible adult, you don't want the kids growing up around her.

 

[Cunny funt]

My MIL didn't live with us but was a Cat A witch

Husband thought the sun shone out of her arse and didn't/ wouldn't hear anything I said, it would backfire on me and she got what she wanted, we divorced.

My advice - kill her with kindness. Your hub will think you are ace, she will have nothing bad to say about you, and it will peck her frigging head. Really, it will driver her bonkers and what can she do?

Her: Son your wife is a nightmare
Son; Why?
Her: Well she is just so...........nice to me...
Son: How dare she???!!

See

Also try and ignore her devious ways and just smile and say awwwwwwww thanks for being so concerned about me etc etc etc

of course spit in her tea too.

I have similar hole MIL woman seriously loves the sound of her own horn! Might just take u up on this advice that is of course if I can contain myself from strangulating her first!!?