Why am I such a doormat when it comes to apologies?

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Had an argument with someone today. Both horrible to each other. But somehow I feel like I should be the one apologising? She instigated it but I reacted instead of walking off.

Does anyone else do this? Someone else kicks off at you and you argue back and then feel guilty afterwards?

I gave into the feeling before and tried apologising for what I said but she just kicked off again instead. I know that with some people an apology is never enough because they prefer the rage and drama of it all afterwards, and then with some other people they convince themselves that they had no part in the situation kicking off and are completely a victim of your terrible behaviour so an apology will never be enough. I don’t know why I can’t accept that though when it happens 😂😂

So now I just feel guilty and I’m starting to doubt myself that it was actually all me 😂😂😂 but it wasn’t!

Is anyone else like this with this kind of stuff? I feel drained!
 
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I'm exactly the same! I always find myself apologising after an argument even when I feel in my heart I was correct in what I said. I'm quite weak when it comes to confrontation so I'll always just want it over and done with as quickly as possible so that's why I apologise to get it out of the way.

Do you think that's how you feel? If you apologise (regardless of blame) it will help to end the situation?
 
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I'm exactly the same! I always find myself apologising after an argument even when I feel in my heart I was correct in what I said. I'm quite weak when it comes to confrontation so I'll always just want it over and done with as quickly as possible so that's why I apologise to get it out of the way.

Do you think that's how you feel? If you apologise (regardless of blame) it will help to end the situation?
Do you know what, I think that’s really explains how I feel! Like there’s no closure until an apology has been made and until then it all just hangs in the air draining more energy and life out of me. I like it done and dusted and resolved I think.

I struggle with confrontation too so when it does happen it all moves so fast and afterwards I think I really doubt myself and what I’ve said etc. And then when the other person seems so cross, it makes me doubt myself even more. So I think sometimes I talk myself into thinking it really was my fault too 😂

This is why I avoid people 😂
 
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I am the worst for this, I always feel guilty then feel worse even if the other person was completely wrong. I always seem to feel worse than anyone else ever does. I genuinely hate confrontation so it takes alot for me to say anything half the time. I had a friend a few years ago who would always play the victim and I found I was the one always saying sorry. It drains me too as then I sit and think about it constant and can't shake it for the whole day.
 
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I am like you. I blame my upbringing to be honest, I was always told I was wrong and was criticised and screamed at for absolutely anything and everything so have a terrible guilt complex.

Some people as well, just love to drag the drama on and on. They enjoy being angry. I once did something to annoy my mother. She was still going on about it days later. I apologised to her, she kept going. I eventually told her she could accept my apology and we could move on, or she could not accept it but I wouldn't be listening to her raving anymore.
 
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I've apologised in the past to keep the peace and to be the better person. I can't sleep on a problem so it for my sake too. It always seemed easier to just say sorry.

However!!!!

I'm 34 now and when I was younger there were no labels for things but now I recognise gaslighting /victim mentality/ persecution complex in people so I no longer back down. I've actually let go of a friend who always played the victim.

It's quite freeing when you stop apologising for things that aren't your fault.
 
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God I’m glad I found this thread! I’ve been having this problem with my sister for years, she’s obsessed with receiving apologies (mostly from me). She will behave in a disgraceful way, a lot of the time drink, but when you pull her up on it she will play the victim, be extremely offended then demand apologies. She will milk it for months too. At the moment she is not speaking to my boyfriend. She speaks to me one minute then the next day send a tirade of abuse for no reason at all then complains to our friends that I’m not speaking to her. It’s exhausting! She is single and obsessed with meeting a man. When she’s drunk she will sit there slagging me off to my boyfriend telling him he can do better and then flirt outrageously. She has done it with other boyfriends so she has form. A few months ago I noticed she was texting my boyfriends phone. He shows me all of them, nothing to hide, but he agreed she did text him a lot considering they weren’t really friends. I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not contact him as much. She kicked off on both of us, told my mum and all of our mutual friends that I’d accused them both of seeing each other (???) and now she’s dragging it on waiting for an apology from us both. I feel she owes me an apology for making me uncomfortable and not respecting my request. She has escalated it into this big monster now and brings it up at any possible opportunity, dragging on the pity party. How do we fix this without giving her the apology she craves but doesn’t deserve??
It’s awkward with our mum and mutual friends and my poor boyfriend is horrified and a bit scared of her. My boyfriend says she’s bullying me and I think he’s right
 
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God I’m glad I found this thread! I’ve been having this problem with my sister for years, she’s obsessed with receiving apologies (mostly from me). She will behave in a disgraceful way, a lot of the time drink, but when you pull her up on it she will play the victim, be extremely offended then demand apologies. She will milk it for months too. At the moment she is not speaking to my boyfriend. She speaks to me one minute then the next day send a tirade of abuse for no reason at all then complains to our friends that I’m not speaking to her. It’s exhausting! She is single and obsessed with meeting a man. When she’s drunk she will sit there slagging me off to my boyfriend telling him he can do better and then flirt outrageously. She has done it with other boyfriends so she has form. A few months ago I noticed she was texting my boyfriends phone. He shows me all of them, nothing to hide, but he agreed she did text him a lot considering they weren’t really friends. I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not contact him as much. She kicked off on both of us, told my mum and all of our mutual friends that I’d accused them both of seeing each other (???) and now she’s dragging it on waiting for an apology from us both. I feel she owes me an apology for making me uncomfortable and not respecting my request. She has escalated it into this big monster now and brings it up at any possible opportunity, dragging on the pity party. How do we fix this without giving her the apology she craves but doesn’t deserve??
It’s awkward with our mum and mutual friends and my poor boyfriend is horrified and a bit scared of her. My boyfriend says she’s bullying me and I think he’s right
I don't really have any advice because I am always apologizing myself and really need to build a backbone at times but I am so sorry you are going through that, it must be really draining to have a sister that gets on like that. Sending some virtual hugs xx
 
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God I’m glad I found this thread! I’ve been having this problem with my sister for years, she’s obsessed with receiving apologies (mostly from me). She will behave in a disgraceful way, a lot of the time drink, but when you pull her up on it she will play the victim, be extremely offended then demand apologies. She will milk it for months too. At the moment she is not speaking to my boyfriend. She speaks to me one minute then the next day send a tirade of abuse for no reason at all then complains to our friends that I’m not speaking to her. It’s exhausting! She is single and obsessed with meeting a man. When she’s drunk she will sit there slagging me off to my boyfriend telling him he can do better and then flirt outrageously. She has done it with other boyfriends so she has form. A few months ago I noticed she was texting my boyfriends phone. He shows me all of them, nothing to hide, but he agreed she did text him a lot considering they weren’t really friends. I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not contact him as much. She kicked off on both of us, told my mum and all of our mutual friends that I’d accused them both of seeing each other (???) and now she’s dragging it on waiting for an apology from us both. I feel she owes me an apology for making me uncomfortable and not respecting my request. She has escalated it into this big monster now and brings it up at any possible opportunity, dragging on the pity party. How do we fix this without giving her the apology she craves but doesn’t deserve??
It’s awkward with our mum and mutual friends and my poor boyfriend is horrified and a bit scared of her. My boyfriend says she’s bullying me and I think he’s right
That sounds horrendous for you. I wouldn’t even have direct contact with a sibling’s partner, unless it was something really serious or like, organising a surprise. I certainly wouldn’t chit chat with them like they were one of my personal friends. It seems so weird to me and it’s not surprising it’s ended up like this. If you apologise, nothing changes really. Maybe some space between you guys is for the best as I think your boyfriend may be right about the bullying. Maybe also tell your parents you’re sorry they’re stuck in the middle, but on this one you really feel you need to stand your ground as things really need to change on her side. Is there a reason she’s like this, other than she seems quite lonely and in need of attention?
 
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Thank you for acknowledging my problem even if it is hard to give advice. Although we’re twins, she is the ‘baby’ and has been very molly coddled by mum and older sister whereas I’ve just got on with life on my own. The 3 of them are very controlling and it’s very much what they say goes. So when I stand my ground none of them like it. It’s ingrained in my twin now to always get what she wants and have the last word. I do think there’s jealously there, I have a nice house, car, lovely boyfriend, good job and bigger salary but I’ve worked my bum off for all of them. She doesn’t have these things and is always asking for lifts, money etc.. which we all help with to the annoyance of my boyf. I think it’s best we move closer to his folks and sisters who are an hour away. They are all absolutely fantastic and I think we’d be happy there away from my toxic family but it’s still hard to cut ties.
 
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Thank you for acknowledging my problem even if it is hard to give advice. Although we’re twins, she is the ‘baby’ and has been very molly coddled by mum and older sister whereas I’ve just got on with life on my own. The 3 of them are very controlling and it’s very much what they say goes. So when I stand my ground none of them like it. It’s ingrained in my twin now to always get what she wants and have the last word. I do think there’s jealously there, I have a nice house, car, lovely boyfriend, good job and bigger salary but I’ve worked my bum off for all of them. She doesn’t have these things and is always asking for lifts, money etc.. which we all help with to the annoyance of my boyf. I think it’s best we move closer to his folks and sisters who are an hour away. They are all absolutely fantastic and I think we’d be happy there away from my toxic family but it’s still hard to cut ties.
My mum does the guilt trip thing and it’s exhausting. She’ll wind me up until I snap and then she’ll say ‘but I haven’t done anything’. 😤

You can’t win with people like that because they’ll never accept they are wrong.
 
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I used to apologise all the time regardless of whether or not I was the one in the wrong because I couldn’t stand confrontation but as I’ve gotten older I’m not so quick to jump to it. I think constantly apologising makes you come across weak and certain personalities can use that against you. If I’m the one in the wrong I’m the first to hold my hands up and admit it, and I will try to make amends to clear the air because I cba with a bad atmosphere. However, I no longer apologise just for the sake of it. If someone doesn’t extend the same courtesy to me or carries on with the drama then I’ll just get on with my life. There’s no pleasing some people. I think having my children has also made me more assertive.
 
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God I’m glad I found this thread! I’ve been having this problem with my sister for years, she’s obsessed with receiving apologies (mostly from me). She will behave in a disgraceful way, a lot of the time drink, but when you pull her up on it she will play the victim, be extremely offended then demand apologies. She will milk it for months too. At the moment she is not speaking to my boyfriend. She speaks to me one minute then the next day send a tirade of abuse for no reason at all then complains to our friends that I’m not speaking to her. It’s exhausting! She is single and obsessed with meeting a man. When she’s drunk she will sit there slagging me off to my boyfriend telling him he can do better and then flirt outrageously. She has done it with other boyfriends so she has form. A few months ago I noticed she was texting my boyfriends phone. He shows me all of them, nothing to hide, but he agreed she did text him a lot considering they weren’t really friends. I told her it made me uncomfortable and could she not contact him as much. She kicked off on both of us, told my mum and all of our mutual friends that I’d accused them both of seeing each other (???) and now she’s dragging it on waiting for an apology from us both. I feel she owes me an apology for making me uncomfortable and not respecting my request. She has escalated it into this big monster now and brings it up at any possible opportunity, dragging on the pity party. How do we fix this without giving her the apology she craves but doesn’t deserve??
It’s awkward with our mum and mutual friends and my poor boyfriend is horrified and a bit scared of her. My boyfriend says she’s bullying me and I think he’s right
Seems like she won't change so you might have to just distance from her. From what you described she has next to no decent qualities. It's up to you to change something with your relationship with her and not bow to family pressure. Do you think her end game is to split you up?
 
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I’m the sort of person who says sorry when someone else bumps into me..

How do I stop being like this?
 
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Seems like she won't change so you might have to just distance from her. From what you described she has next to no decent qualities. It's up to you to change something with your relationship with her and not bow to family pressure. Do you think her end game is to split you up?
I don’t think it’s her aim per se…but I think she would have a sly little chuckle to herself if we did. Since yesterday’s vent to you guys my boyfriend has messaged her asking her to end this feud and he has apologised for any offence he may have caused. I’m annoyed she’s got her way but the support from my bf means a lot. However, she has since screenshot his apology and sent it to all of our mutual friends mocking it.… she really is just absolutely vile and I’m officially done
 
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I don’t think it’s her aim per se…but I think she would have a sly little chuckle to herself if we did. Since yesterday’s vent to you guys my boyfriend has messaged her asking her to end this feud and he has apologised for any offence he may have caused. I’m annoyed she’s got her way but the support from my bf means a lot. However, she has since screenshot his apology and sent it to all of our mutual friends mocking it.… she really is just absolutely vile and I’m officially done
God, that is really sad. She really sounds like she needs professional help. Your poor boyfriend is a gentleman and clearly loves you very much. I think you were right, create some distance now and let her get on with it. I’m sure your mutual friends see through it. Don’t even address it with them or your family - let it die and if they mention it, I would just change the subject. If she contacts either of you now I would ignore her too and get on with your happy life, which ultimately she is totally jealous of. That way she is powerless.
 
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God, that is really sad. She really sounds like she needs professional help. Your poor boyfriend is a gentleman and clearly loves you very much. I think you were right, create some distance now and let her get on with it. I’m sure your mutual friends see through it. Don’t even address it with them or your family - let it die and if they mention it, I would just change the subject. If she contacts either of you now I would ignore her too and get on with your happy life, which ultimately she is totally jealous of. That way she is powerless.
This advice is spot on and definitely the adult thing to do. Youve no idea how much better I feel, thank you so, so much ❤
 
This advice is spot on and definitely the adult thing to do. Youve no idea how much better I feel, thank you so, so much ❤
You don’t deserve to be dragged down because your sister’s life isn’t how she would like it to be and you clearly have a lovely man, who I am jealous of ha! Seriously though, it’s up to her to change her life if it’s not how she wants it to be. I guarantee your friends and family see right through it too. And don’t forget to give your man extra kisses for being so lush! 🤣
 
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You don’t deserve to be dragged down because your sister’s life isn’t how she would like it to be and you clearly have a lovely man, who I am jealous of ha! Seriously though, it’s up to her to change her life if it’s not how she wants it to be. I guarantee your friends and family see right through it too. And don’t forget to give your man extra kisses for being so lush! 🤣
You’re absolutely right and yes, I do have a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful man🥰🥰🥰
 
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