Where to go for advice about a child?

karenjet

VIP Member
There’s a child that I’m concerned about and I really don’t know where to turn. I know the child personally, it’s not a YouTube thing.

The child is NOT at any risk of abuse of any type, or severe neglect.

I won’t go in to any detail on a public forum. But there are things going on in the home that worry me. It’s not a social services matter. The child is very much loved and cared for.

Myself and family members have tried to talk about it but are politely told to butt out. And maybe they’re right and it isn’t my business. But I’m very worried about things and the effect it could have on the child’s future.

Could I contact their health visitor in confidence?
 

karenjet

VIP Member
Difficult to say without details (which I obviously understand you don't want to share). You could call NSPCC and see what they advise.

View attachment 55085

Thanks a million. I did think about that but I don’t like the idea of taking up a charity’s time when it isn’t an abuse type situation 😗
 
The child is NOT at any risk of abuse of any type, or severe neglect.

I won’t go in to any detail on a public forum. But there are things going on in the home that worry me. It’s not a social services matter. The child is very much loved and cared for.
If its not an abuse matter, and the child is very much loved for and cared for, then they are right, you should butt out and its nothing to do with you.

Each family goes through their own individual problems and gets through them eventually.

Unless you live in that house, and you don't know what's really going on, I would keep my nose out. Maybe keep an eye from a distance, but don't make trouble where its not wanted.
 

karenjet

VIP Member
If its not an abuse matter, and the child is very much loved for and cared for, then they are right, you should butt out and its nothing to do with you.

Each family goes through their own individual problems and gets through them eventually.

Unless you live in that house, and you don't know what's really going on, I would keep my nose out. Maybe keep an eye from a distance, but don't make trouble where its not wanted.
I respect your opinion but I can’t help worrying when I’m seeing the effects every day. And I know if I could go in to details the majority of mothers here would agree.

This is not the situation but it’s a similar example that I can think of.

Imagine there are parents that only eat junk food. Fried foods at breakfast, sweets and crisps all day long and fast food for dinner. Nobody eats anything fresh or remotely healthy and the kids are fed the same way.

So you see how it’s affecting their child. Current development and will their future development. And because I’m very closely involved with the child of course it would worry me. As it would the health visitor, social workers, doctor and other people involved.

I’ve tried to mind my own business but I’m having sleepless nights worrying. I definitely don’t want to start any trouble. But if I thought starting a huge row would make some changes for the child then I would.

I’m not supernanny but I’ve reared 4 kids and know frustration and unhappiness in a child when I see it.

I love this child like my own and I just want her to be happy. They’re severely disabled and just aren’t getting to be the best they can be with how things are at home.

The grandparents and others involved agree. No mother likes being criticised. I was myself. Sometimes stupidly, but a few times I had to swallow my pride and realise it was in the best interests of my kids.

It’s not something stupid like I don’t like their clothes, or it’s a boy and they only buy toys traditionally for girls. Nothing silly like that.

I so wish I could just ignore and let it all play out but it’s literally worrying me sick 😞
 
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Jm564

Member
Imagine there are parents that only eat junk food. Fried foods at breakfast, sweets and crisps all day long and fast food for dinner. Nobody eats anything fresh or remotely healthy and the kids are fed the same way.
That obviously doesn’t sound ideal but it doesn’t sound like something that is particularly out of the ordinary unfortunately, and it’s certainly not the level to be contacting child cruelty charities and social services.

One thing that will damage the child is social services being all over their mother because somebody overstepped the mark unnecessarily. So I’d think VERY carefully before you do anything.
 

karenjet

VIP Member
That obviously doesn’t sound ideal but it doesn’t sound like something that is particularly out of the ordinary unfortunately, and it’s certainly not the level to be contacting child cruelty charities and social services.

One thing that will damage the child is social services being all over their mother because somebody overstepped the mark unnecessarily. So I’d think VERY carefully before you do anything.
Which is why I’ve said I wouldn’t contact social services or take up a charity’s time.

I’ve been thinking very carefully for 4 years. It could be argued that a child’s welfare is everyone’s business as they can’t speak for themselves.
 

Jm564

Member
Which is why I’ve said I wouldn’t contact social services or take up a charity’s time.

I’ve been thinking very carefully for 4 years. It could be argued that a child’s welfare is everyone’s business as they can’t speak for themselves.
Surely if the child is 4, they will be heading to school or be in nursery. If there is genuinely anything to be concerned about or the child is unhappy the school will pick up on it and take the appropriate action.

Unless the mother in incapable or unwilling to look after her child (which you’ve confirmed she’s not) then her child’s welfare is no ones business but hers.
 

karenjet

VIP Member
Surely if the child is 4, they will be heading to school or be in nursery. If there is genuinely anything to be concerned about or the child is unhappy the school will pick up on it and take the appropriate action.

Unless the mother in incapable or unwilling to look after her child (which you’ve confirmed she’s not) then her child’s welfare is no ones business but hers.
The educational psychologist has picked it up but her reports were dismissed as being wrong and advice ignored. The health visitor hasn’t made a home visit in over a year.

The parents aren’t incapable, but unwilling, yes. The child is fed and clean but there’s a lot more to it. Yes, the little one is severely disabled but that’s not to do with the issue.

I think the mother needs help, but they don’t see it as a problem.
 
The educational psychologist has picked it up but her reports were dismissed as being wrong and advice ignored. The health visitor hasn’t made a home visit in over a year.

The parents aren’t incapable, but unwilling, yes. The child is fed and clean but there’s a lot more to it. Yes, the little one is severely disabled but that’s not to do with the issue.

I think the mother needs help, but they don’t see it as a problem.
I'm sorry but I think this is nothing to do with you, reading all the above replies. You think the mother needs help, that's your opinion. Which you are entitled to. Doesn't mean its right. I think alot of people need help, doesn't mean I stick my nose in where it isn't wanted. You've done what you can, you have spoken to the family, that's all you can do.

Seriously, the authorities are not going to be one bit interested if its not an abuse or neglect issue. You've said the child is very much cared for, loved, fed and washed etc. Stop mum/parent shaming, and let people get on with their life.

I'm a mum to a young boy, and expecting again. We go through times and I think that sometimes I'm not doing enough, am I doing things right etc, is he where he should be in developmental terms, is he eating the right/enough food etc? The list goes on. But I get through them and learn. If I had someone like you getting involved, it could tear my family apart FOR NO REASON. Not to mention you would be putting unwanted pressure and extra stress on the family too, which will make things worse. So leave them be unless you see serious neglect or any signs of abuse.

Sorry, but you have really ruffled my feathers, some people just can't keep their nose out of others business.
 

erin182

Well-known member
I have no idea who you are but you sound like a mother in law that doesn’t agree with how her daughter in law is parenting her child... I’d echo what other posters are saying. I think you should keep out of their business unless there is a REAL concern for the child’s safety.
 

Apple In My Pie

Chatty Member
You should keep out of it. If you’re close enough to this child and this child’s family to know that her grandparents are aware and the educational psychologist is aware as are school teachers health visitors excetera then it’s hardly as if she’s completely neglected - someone will surely be able to stop her slipping through the net IF something is severely wrong. That doesn’t need to be you and tbh it just makes you come across as a bit of a busybody. If it was me I would worry the family would think me cheeky (because it is) or that i was being judgmental (because it is) and the relationship would break down which would be a shame if you love the child.
 

Jm564

Member
Sorry, but you have really ruffled my feathers, some people just can't keep their nose out of others business.
I feel the same.

I have a nearly 7 month old and am so sick of being mam shamed by people who have no real clue about your life. Even today, I was told someone didn’t know why I’d had a baby if I’m going back to work full time because I won’t ever see him. I would LOVE to stay at home with him forever, but unfortunately circumstance doesn’t allow for that.

If you think the mum needs some extra support, then support her! Offer her some help, ask her if she’s ok. But don’t put her down because she’s not doing what you deem to be perfect parenting because she’s probably trying her best.
 

karenjet

VIP Member
Yes I am family. And am very much involved with the child. I was at all the scans and the hospital for the birth (I was invited to be as it’s very close family. I wasn’t butting in in that department)

I was so excited about this baby and the mother called me mummy number 2 before they were even born and that’s how it’s always been. They’ve only ever been minded by anybody else a handful of times. They’ve asked me to take them to medical appointments, to take and collect from nursery. I know they aren’t my child and I try never to interfere. But this situation has just got so bad that I don’t know where to turn.

I’m really sorry that I’ve upset anyone In tho thread. I feel terrible about that. I never want to upset anybody.

I know I’m mum shaming and shouldn’t be. If I could explain the situation. I wish I could. Maybe it would be possible if I obviously didn’t include names or any identifying details.

I was left a widow with a 6 year old, a 3 year old and newborn twins that were brought up completely on my own for the last 16 years. I know very well how hard it is to be a mum.

I don’t think it’s wrong to see a child you love and want life to be better for them. I can’t help worrying. I have the child all day on a Friday and the effects of the situation are really upsetting to see.

Again, I’m really deeply sorry if I’ve upset anybody. I just so want this little one to be happy and feel it’s all so unfair. They’ve started hitting themselves which I know is frustration but it all just gets ignored as not being a problem.
 
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erin182

Well-known member
Yes I am family. And am very much involved with the child. I was at all the scans and the hospital for the birth (I was invited to be as it’s very close family. I wasn’t butting in in that department)

I was so excited about this baby and the mother called me mummy number 2 before they were even born and that’s how it’s always been. They’ve only ever been minded by anybody else a handful of times. They’ve asked me to take them to medical appointments, to take and collect from nursery. I know they aren’t my child and I try never to interfere. But this situation has just got so bad that I don’t know where to turn.

I’m really sorry that I’ve upset anyone In tho thread. I feel terrible about that. I never want to upset anybody.

I know I’m mum shaming and shouldn’t be. If I could explain the situation. I wish I could. Maybe it would be possible if I obviously didn’t include names or any identifying details.

I was left a widow with a 6 year old, a 3 year old and newborn twins that were brought up completely on my own for the last 16 years. I know very well how hard it is to be a mum.

I don’t think it’s wrong to see a child you love and want life to be better for them. I can’t help worrying. I have the child all day on a Friday and the effects of the situation are really upsetting to see.

Again, I’m really deeply sorry if I’ve upset anybody. I just so want this little one to be happy and feel it’s all so unfair. They’ve started hitting themselves which I know is frustration but it all just gets ignored as not being a problem.
Coming of here and being so vague about a situation you think is so serious is pointless. You’re not going to get any helpful advice because no one knows what the situation actually is. Even if you did tell us it would be completely one sided, which isn’t really fair.
I don’t think it’s any of our concern tbh; you’ve already said that child is well looked after, loved and cared for so however the parents decide to raise their kids is totally upto them.
 

Kake20

Member
I have to agree with everyone else here, it’s not really any of your business how they raise their child.
And if you do honestly think the Mum is struggling why are you sitting on a gossip site shaming her? Why aren’t you round there offering her help and support?
Go round, if there’s dishes, do them, make her some lunch, take round food, fold some washing, make her a cuppa sit down, talk!
Instead of slagging her off to random strangers on the internet :rolleyes:
 

Onepotatotwopotato

Well-known member
I can't really comment without any actual details but like others have said, I'd be careful what you do. You risk alienating the mother or making things worse.

Think if it were me I'd try to offer a solution to whatever the issue is but in a nice way.. Child watches too much TV? Gift some books, too much junk food? Bring some nice fruit when you visit. Not enough time outside? Offer to take to the park.

But honestly without giving more info, it's very hard to offer any advice or guidance

Also, you say the child is severely disabled, it's probably actually really tough for the parents as it is, and you mentioning you are worried about the child being unfulfilled emotionally won't help. Are you there 24/7? Could the child actually just be acting that way when you are there? All things to consider
 
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Rabbithole

New member
I would suggest you make an anonymous referral to children's services. They will decide, based on the information you provide, whether this warrants investigation. It is their duty to safeguard a child's welfare, and welfare compirises not only physical wellbeing, but also emotional and psychological wellbeing. If the child has an ed psych report, then they probably also have a school who are aware that the recommendations are not being followed. To be honest, the school should be alive to such an issue and children's services may already be involved. If you have a concern about a child's welfare, call children's services. The child ALWAYS comes first. And if you concern is unfounded and unwarranted, then no harm done. But if it leads to the family receiving advice and support, that can only be a good thing. You could also discuss with NSPCA who will pass the referral to children's services if they think it is warranted.

If a child is hitting itself in frustration, that is a problem. That is self harm. It may well be a problem that is being appropriately addressed by the parents and support services. If so, there is no role for children's services. But if it is not being appropriately addressed, children's services absolutely should be involved.

Your priority is to protect the child, not the parents.
 
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