When loved ones have terminal illness

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My father in law has been diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 lung cancer, he doesn't want chemo either. My husband is so angry, as been trying to get him to doctors for months, but he never wanted a fuss. He is beyond stoic, and refusing pain meds, even though he is in agony. My husband has depression and past history with alcohol abuse. Anyone have any experience with this, I feel like I'm just saying useless platitudes. Any advice appreciated.
 
Has your father in law been referred to the palliative care team ? They have people who can specially help him and his loved ones try to come to terms with his diagnosis , as well as with medications and pain relief optioptions.
Just being there to listen , to support your husband , there is nothing you can say as such , just to share the burden. Have you someone close you can talk to as well?
 
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Has your father in law been referred to the palliative care team ? They have people who can specially help him and his loved ones try to come to terms with his diagnosis , as well as with medications and pain relief optioptions.
Just being there to listen , to support your husband , there is nothing you can say as such , just to share the burden. Have you someone close you can talk to as well?
Thank you, I think he has been referred. He is just of the stiff upper lip generation so getting him to talk is a challenge. Really appreciate your response, just helped putting it out there
 
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Thank you, I think he has been referred. He is just of the stiff upper lip generation so getting him to talk is a challenge. Really appreciate your response, just helped putting it out there
Believe me they will be well experienced with all kinds of people . If he doesn't want to talk to anyone , there will be people your husband can talk to as well .
So sorry your going through this .
 
Palliative care team are amazing. They know ALL the right types of drugs for pain relief, at all different stages of a disease. Make sure you use them. My MIL spent weeks in agony for a nasty bowel infection, but the palliative care nurse sorted her out within hours. Changes everything it really does. I wish you well, make the most of the time left and look after yourself. đŸ˜˜
 
My father in law has been diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 lung cancer, he doesn't want chemo either. My husband is so angry, as been trying to get him to doctors for months, but he never wanted a fuss. He is beyond stoic, and refusing pain meds, even though he is in agony. My husband has depression and past history with alcohol abuse. Anyone have any experience with this, I feel like I'm just saying useless platitudes. Any advice appreciated.
Sadly I do have experience with this. I lost my father to lung cancer. You need to ask his GP for as much support as you can. And also ask them to get in touch with the Marie Curie team. Does he have someone who is his main carer only they will need support too? Cancer charities have telephone lines for support. You could possibly suggest your husband calls one? They helped me a lot when my dad was diagnosed x
 
Sadly I do have experience with this. I lost my father to lung cancer. You need to ask his GP for as much support as you can. And also ask them to get in touch with the Marie Curie team. Does he have someone who is his main carer only they will need support too? Cancer charities have telephone lines for support. You could possibly suggest your husband calls one? They helped me a lot when my dad was diagnosed x
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for the suggestion, MIL going to speak to cancer charity call line. Hadn't thought of that before. Really appreciate this. Hope things are easier for you xx
 
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So sorry for your loss. Thank you for the suggestion, MIL going to speak to cancer charity call line. Hadn't thought of that before. Really appreciate this. Hope things are easier for you xx
Thank you and it’s my pleasure.
It was a while ago now. It’s easier but I think of him everyday. I hope everyone gets the support they need xx
 
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Definitely reach out to Marie Curie and MacMillan nurses, they will give so much support. If there is a Maggie Centre in your area I strongly recommend going for support. They were such a help for my husband and his family when his sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer aged 37. Is he taking anything for pain at all? Try and get him on at least paracetamol 4 times a day if not. The palliative care team deal with symptoms of cancer and will be able to help with pain. Why does he not want anything for the pain? Thinking of you all at this hard time x
 
Definitely reach out to Marie Curie and MacMillan nurses, they will give so much support. If there is a Maggie Centre in your area I strongly recommend going for support. They were such a help for my husband and his family when his sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer aged 37. Is he taking anything for pain at all? Try and get him on at least paracetamol 4 times a day if not. The palliative care team deal with symptoms of cancer and will be able to help with pain. Why does he not want anything for the pain? Thinking of you all at this hard time x
Thank you, will have a look. He is just a pest with taking anything. So sad for everyone. Gosh that is awful about your SIL, i really hope things are easier now xx
 
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Thank you, will have a look. He is just a pest with taking anything. So sad for everyone. Gosh that is awful about your SIL, i really hope things are easier now xx
It was very sad, the NHS fobbed her off for months saying it was gastric issues, she went private and they got her primary cancer wrong so she had the wrong chemo then after a bowel obstruction and emergency surgery they found the primary. By this stage she was given around 8 weeks to live but she didn't last that long. It was less than 4 months from the wrong diagnosis to death. It was almost 4 years ago now but doesn't get any easier, her daughters keep everyone going.
I used to work in Respiratory with male patients (worked there for over 6 years) I have lots of experience with lung cancer from here so if I can help let me know. I live in Scotland though so not sure if the support services are the same. Does he have a lung cancer specialist nurse? X
 
Oh my goodness that is dreadful to hear. Children do help make everything brighter. We've been in touch with helplines this morning which is helping. Thank you again xx
 
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My father in law has been diagnosed with inoperable stage 4 lung cancer, he doesn't want chemo either. My husband is so angry, as been trying to get him to doctors for months, but he never wanted a fuss. He is beyond stoic, and refusing pain meds, even though he is in agony. My husband has depression and past history with alcohol abuse. Anyone have any experience with this, I feel like I'm just saying useless platitudes. Any advice appreciated.
I can't really offer much advice but do want to offer some support, and let you know you're not alone. Currently going through this with my grandma who has inoperable breast cancer, it's already spread to her bones. She's had a lump a long time I believe but only told her sister (who didn't tell anyone and who is a horrible piece of work in general) and wouldn't get it looked at.

It all came out when she was hospitalised with pneumonia. She wouldn't take her medication at first but I played on her by saying that it would be less stress for grandad if she took them, that if she didn't take them I would not ring or visit her as she was upsetting me by not doing this one thing (not nice lengths to go to I know but I was confident it would work and it has) is there anyone your father in law listens to more than others? Maybe getting them to put the pressure on would work?

Either way I hope you and your family will be okay, and don't forget to take care of yourselves as this is stressful on everyone, especially when the person affected won't accept help. I'm really sorry you're going through this and hope he will take some medications to help him soon.
 
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Sometimes its hard to admit the inevitable even more so when its happening. Are you or anyone able to talk to him on a quiet non fuss 1 to1 or failing that maybe even a stern doctor to help with the realisation. It sound like he doens't want to loose control.

sending love x
 
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Sometimes its hard to admit the inevitable even more so when its happening. Are you or anyone able to talk to him on a quiet non fuss 1 to1 or failing that maybe even a stern doctor to help with the realisation. It sound like he doens't want to loose control.

sending love x
Thank you, my husband is going to write a letter and see if that helps. Xx